It still all feels surreal.
It was a year ago, September 12th to be exact, that this journey began. We found out that Ernie had Stage 4 lung cancer. He was only 44. He had never smoked. It didn't make sense. We were devastated, confused, and scared.
But, as we would all come to learn during the year that followed, Ernie was special. He was a warrior with a heart of gold. From the moment he found out he handled it all with a peace, and strength and grace unlike anything I have ever seen before. He made a choice to fight for as many days as God would allow him and to make each one count. He also chose to let everyone in and to share his journey with the world. I'm not sure what prompted him to do that. But I'm sure that he could not have ever imagined that he would touch so many lives the way that he did.
No matter what happened or how much pain he was in his posts were always uplifting. He always made sure to mention what a beautiful day it was and encouraged everyone to enjoy it. There were good days and there were bad days but he met every single day with a grace and courage that inspired us all. And his smile, his smile lit up the room and reassured us.
His journey made me question everything - my life, my faith, my beliefs, my relationships, my actions, etc. Whenever I was tempted to complain about something trivial, I remembered his grace and courage and smile. Whenever I was tempted to behave in a way that I knew was not offering the best of me, I remembered his grace and courage and smile. Whenever I was tempted to get caught up in the small stuff that I now know doesn't matter in the grand scheme of life, I remembered his grace and courage and smile. He became my source of inspiration to always strive to be the best person I could be and to use my life to try and inspire others the way he inspired me. And I have tried to do just that. I don't know if I'm always successful. In fact, I'm sure that I often fall short. But what I know for sure is that I am not the same person I was before and that I will continue to strive to always be the best person that I can be.
During his last few weeks of life and after his passing so many people reached out to me. Some of you had known him your whole lives and others just a short time. Some of you knew him well and others just in passing. All of you shared stories about how special he was to you. I heard stories about how he made your life better in some way; how he lifted you up when you were down; how he befriended you when you didn't know anyone, etc. While hearing all of these stories warmed my heart, I was not surprised by any of them. They only confirmed for me who I already knew Ernie to be. What I was surprised by was how many people who had NEVER met him but were following his story reached out to me as well. They too had stories to tell about how seeing Ernie's story unfold each day helped them keep their spirits up throughout their own illness. There were stories about how Ernie's journey helped people reconnect with their faith. There were stories about how Ernie's spirit inspired them to do and be better.
It was the totality of all of these stories and testimonies that made me realize that Ernie was here to be a teacher. He was here to remind us about how to live and love and laugh, no matter what. He was here to encourage us to be the best people we can be and to offer the best of ourselves to others. He was here to inspire us to use our lives to inspire others. He was here to confirm for us that we need to not sweat the small stuff as he would so often say, but to stay focused on the big picture of life and to make every day of it count.
Ernie had a light in him that was as bright as the sun. And I believe that his light helped to turn on a light in each of us. And the energy and spirit of that light that remains in each of us and all around us is his legacy. And as such, I would just ask that you all remember Ernie, remember his spirit. Keep it with you as you go about each day. Let it continue to inspire and guide you. Use his life as an example for your own and live your life in a way that pays tribute to his legacy. And use your life to inspire others in his name. Don't go back to business as usual once the dust settles. Let the lessons his life taught us change you and make you better and pass it on. This is how we can honor Ernie and what he meant to us.
Yesterday, after the services were over, some of us went to grab a bite to eat. I sat across from his son and just watched him. I was so overwhelmed with emotion because it was so clear to me how much of his father is in him. That same light and laughter and smile. I watched him all throughout the funeral stand there with such grace and maturity, constantly checking in on his mom to make sure she was ok. He represented his father in a way that I know made Ernie proud. And I couldn't help but to imagine all of the people that his son's life will touch as his own life continues to unfold.
For those that are interested we have started a fundraiser to help raise money on Ernie's behalf in support of his son. If any of you are inspired to give, please visit https://www.giveforward.com/fundraiser/zv03/ernie-s-army-of-angels-fund.
Last, but definitely not least, there is his amazing wife Ana. I have grown to love her and appreciate her so much throughout this time. She has earned my respect, love and admiration and she will forever have a sister in me. She was by his side every step of the way supporting him and helping him with a dignity and strength and grace that had me in awe. I told her at one point that their relationship and family was such a great example of what love and family means. They were a true team that had each other's back at every turn. He was as blessed to have her and she was to have him. And I'm sure their son cannot fully comprehend and appreciate how blessed he is to have them as his parents but he will know one day, I'm sure.
Thank you to everyone for your love and support during this time and thank you for letting me share Ernie's story with you. It has meant the world to me.
Much love,
Vanessa...in progress. (VIP)
Sunday, September 8, 2013
Monday, July 15, 2013
Outing myself for my birthday...
Today I turn 39. I always make a point of giving myself a gift on my birthday. But for this birthday none of the typical types of gifts I usually give myself interested me. This year...it would have to be something different. Something more. Something life changing.
And then it hit me. Next year I will be 40. My 30's have been a time of significant transformation. I need to honor that transformation by making this last year of my 30's a year of even more transformation that will carry me into my 40's a better person.
Over the past few years I have changed so many things in my life in an effort to be a better person. There will always be more to do but I feel good about where I am at this point in my life. I have dealt with most of the things that were obstacles, overcome them, and replaced them with things that enrich my life. And that feels great. But with the arrival of my 39 birthday and the path to 40 in front of me, I can no longer ignore the fact that there was one area where I was still failing. I could no longer deny that there was a major part of me that I have not been able to fix. And I could no longer turn my back on the truth that was in front of me. I knew that this needed to be the focus of my life for this year. I knew that tackling this had to be the gift I gave to myself. And I knew that in order for me to do it successfully I needed to 'out' myself.
The truth is that for many years I have been waging a war against my body and it has gotten to the point that I barely recognize myself and it is impacting my health and well being in many different ways. This is not just about weight. As a matter of fact, I think that one of the reasons I have been failing at dealing with this issue for so long is because I thought it was an issue of weight and tried to deal with it with all of the typical 'weight loss' methods. Not only did they not work but they only made things worse. It's only been during this past year as I've made progress in other areas of my life that I came to truly understand that at some point the occasional food over indulgence had grown into me being in a completely abusive and compulsive relationship with myself when it came to food.
I don't want to get into all of the many reasons why this has happened. At least not yet. Maybe I will blog about those things at another time. Its sufficient at this time to say that there were many people, places, things, events and circumstances that have occurred over my lifetime that left me feeling disconnected from my body and my soul. And over the years that disconnection left me feeling empty and incomplete. And as many people do I tried to fill the void in many ways that were not good for me. But as I've been cleaning out my life of many of the other negative ways I tried to fill the void it seems that the only outlet left to hold my feelings and help me stay disconnected from myself was to eat. And so while other areas of my life got better this area kept getting worse. At first I didn't understand. I was finally in a good place and feeling better than I have ever felt before. So many things were going well and working out for me. Why was this one thing getting worse? I couldn't figure it out but I didn't really try. Going there was too painful so I just kept focusing on everything else and let that problem just continue to grow.
As I started reconnecting with my soul through the work I have been doing on myself and the many transformations that have taken place, the disconnect with my body became to painful to ignore anymore. The truth is that the real me...the complete me has been hiding. I can feel that my light is dimmed because of this. I can feel that I have become a muted version of myself which prevents me from living my life to its fullest potential. I know that the last piece of the puzzle is hiding in this compulsion that has been several years in the making. I know that if I really want to continue to progress and be on this life journey that I need to reconnect with all the parts of me and that includes this one. This will mean going inside and uncovering all of those things I've been trying to ignore. I know it will not be easy but it is necessary.
So today, on my 39th birthday I am declaring a year long journey back to health. This is not a declaration to lose a certain amount of weight by a certain time. This is not about some diet I'm going to start or an exercise program I am going to begin. This is about an unstructured process of self discovery and reconnection that needs to begin with complete acceptance of where I am today. My goal is to end the abusive relationship with my body. My goal is to heal all of the unhealthy messages that have been programmed into me and replace them with acceptance. My goal is to redefine my relationship with my body into one that honors it. My goal is to replace the abuse with love. And in the end my hope is that through this process I will begin to make healthier choices. In doing so, I hope that my body will be become healthier and stronger and an external expression of what is inside of me. My hope is that when I cross that 40 threshold I do so leaving this abusive relationship that does not serve me behind and I walk into my 40's with a new healthy and loving relationship that will allow me to fully express myself in the world.
I know that some of the people that will read this are some of the people that have contributed in some way to this problem in the first place. I know there are some people that will read it that will not wish me well. But I am not writing this for them. They no longer matter to me. That is the point of outing myself. To say that I acknowledge what I have created but that I'm not 'hiding' anymore. I accept myself as I am and I alone define where I go from here and how I get there. I am no longer letting in the negativity. I write this blog for myself. I write this blog for those of you who I know cheer me on, encourage me, and pray for my well being. I write this blog for those of you who are battling with any kind of abusive relationship with yourself, so you know you are not alone and that there is no shame in it. The only shame comes in not accepting and loving yourself in whatever place you might be in your life.
So for those of you that love me and support me, I invite you in to be a part of the journey. I look to you for encouragement and love. Keep me motivated. Keep me focused. Keep me accountable. I'm counting on you.
Of course I will keep you updated on my progress and the many battles I know I will encounter along the way. I am excited and anxious. I'm eager and scared. But most importantly, I'm not hiding anymore. And that's what matters.
And with that I begin my journey to 40...one healthy...loving choice at a time.
Much love,
Vanessa...in progress. (VIP)
And then it hit me. Next year I will be 40. My 30's have been a time of significant transformation. I need to honor that transformation by making this last year of my 30's a year of even more transformation that will carry me into my 40's a better person.
Over the past few years I have changed so many things in my life in an effort to be a better person. There will always be more to do but I feel good about where I am at this point in my life. I have dealt with most of the things that were obstacles, overcome them, and replaced them with things that enrich my life. And that feels great. But with the arrival of my 39 birthday and the path to 40 in front of me, I can no longer ignore the fact that there was one area where I was still failing. I could no longer deny that there was a major part of me that I have not been able to fix. And I could no longer turn my back on the truth that was in front of me. I knew that this needed to be the focus of my life for this year. I knew that tackling this had to be the gift I gave to myself. And I knew that in order for me to do it successfully I needed to 'out' myself.
The truth is that for many years I have been waging a war against my body and it has gotten to the point that I barely recognize myself and it is impacting my health and well being in many different ways. This is not just about weight. As a matter of fact, I think that one of the reasons I have been failing at dealing with this issue for so long is because I thought it was an issue of weight and tried to deal with it with all of the typical 'weight loss' methods. Not only did they not work but they only made things worse. It's only been during this past year as I've made progress in other areas of my life that I came to truly understand that at some point the occasional food over indulgence had grown into me being in a completely abusive and compulsive relationship with myself when it came to food.
I don't want to get into all of the many reasons why this has happened. At least not yet. Maybe I will blog about those things at another time. Its sufficient at this time to say that there were many people, places, things, events and circumstances that have occurred over my lifetime that left me feeling disconnected from my body and my soul. And over the years that disconnection left me feeling empty and incomplete. And as many people do I tried to fill the void in many ways that were not good for me. But as I've been cleaning out my life of many of the other negative ways I tried to fill the void it seems that the only outlet left to hold my feelings and help me stay disconnected from myself was to eat. And so while other areas of my life got better this area kept getting worse. At first I didn't understand. I was finally in a good place and feeling better than I have ever felt before. So many things were going well and working out for me. Why was this one thing getting worse? I couldn't figure it out but I didn't really try. Going there was too painful so I just kept focusing on everything else and let that problem just continue to grow.
As I started reconnecting with my soul through the work I have been doing on myself and the many transformations that have taken place, the disconnect with my body became to painful to ignore anymore. The truth is that the real me...the complete me has been hiding. I can feel that my light is dimmed because of this. I can feel that I have become a muted version of myself which prevents me from living my life to its fullest potential. I know that the last piece of the puzzle is hiding in this compulsion that has been several years in the making. I know that if I really want to continue to progress and be on this life journey that I need to reconnect with all the parts of me and that includes this one. This will mean going inside and uncovering all of those things I've been trying to ignore. I know it will not be easy but it is necessary.
So today, on my 39th birthday I am declaring a year long journey back to health. This is not a declaration to lose a certain amount of weight by a certain time. This is not about some diet I'm going to start or an exercise program I am going to begin. This is about an unstructured process of self discovery and reconnection that needs to begin with complete acceptance of where I am today. My goal is to end the abusive relationship with my body. My goal is to heal all of the unhealthy messages that have been programmed into me and replace them with acceptance. My goal is to redefine my relationship with my body into one that honors it. My goal is to replace the abuse with love. And in the end my hope is that through this process I will begin to make healthier choices. In doing so, I hope that my body will be become healthier and stronger and an external expression of what is inside of me. My hope is that when I cross that 40 threshold I do so leaving this abusive relationship that does not serve me behind and I walk into my 40's with a new healthy and loving relationship that will allow me to fully express myself in the world.
I know that some of the people that will read this are some of the people that have contributed in some way to this problem in the first place. I know there are some people that will read it that will not wish me well. But I am not writing this for them. They no longer matter to me. That is the point of outing myself. To say that I acknowledge what I have created but that I'm not 'hiding' anymore. I accept myself as I am and I alone define where I go from here and how I get there. I am no longer letting in the negativity. I write this blog for myself. I write this blog for those of you who I know cheer me on, encourage me, and pray for my well being. I write this blog for those of you who are battling with any kind of abusive relationship with yourself, so you know you are not alone and that there is no shame in it. The only shame comes in not accepting and loving yourself in whatever place you might be in your life.
So for those of you that love me and support me, I invite you in to be a part of the journey. I look to you for encouragement and love. Keep me motivated. Keep me focused. Keep me accountable. I'm counting on you.
Of course I will keep you updated on my progress and the many battles I know I will encounter along the way. I am excited and anxious. I'm eager and scared. But most importantly, I'm not hiding anymore. And that's what matters.
And with that I begin my journey to 40...one healthy...loving choice at a time.
Much love,
Vanessa...in progress. (VIP)
Friday, May 24, 2013
Me & Emily
I can remember it like it was yesterday. It was eight years ago (May 25th) that I officially became Emily's mom and my life forever changed.
Before Emily, my life was part awesome and part disaster! I didn't always make the greatest decisions and I struggled with a lot of anger, frustration and sometimes even depression. I just couldn't seem to get it right.
Then there was Emily. And everything changed.
Even though the circumstances around the time of her birth were not necessarily ideal, I was still aware enough to know that she was a precious gift. I remember rocking her in the glider and watching her sleep in my arms, so in love with her and also so completely overwhelmed. How could I ever parent her? How could I ever be a good mother? I hadn't even yet figured out my own life. What could I possibly teacher her?
She was so tiny. So beautiful. So full of love and trust and joy. I wanted her to have everything. I wanted to be able to give her everything. And I knew that what I didn't want was to pass on to her my confusion, anger, frustration and depression. I knew that I needed to figure it out once and for all. I needed to be happy. I needed to become who I wanted her to grow up to be.
I made one key decision at that time, that would change everything and eventually save my life. I decided that I no longer had the luxury of just surviving and being dragged through life. I no longer had the luxury of making bad decisions. I decided that from that day forward Emily would be my guide and the screen through which I would make all future decisions. I didn't know what the future had in store or what situations I would encounter. But I decided that whatever came my way I would do my best to stop and think what I would want Emily to do if it were her in that situation. And whatever that was, I needed that to be the decision I would make for my own life. I knew that what would speak louder than anything I could ever tell her or try and teach her, was the example of my own life. And I couldn't just limit it to choices she would know about or see. It had to also be those decisions I made in private that she would never even know about. Those might even be the more important decisions because those decisions would be the ones that truly formed my character and integrity and would create my own opinion of myself. And I knew that no matter what behavior I was demonstrating to her, what would always come through loud and clear was what I truly thought and how I truly felt about myself. And so the journey began. The ultimate act of love for her would be for me to be the best me that I could be and set the example for her.
And that is what I have tried to do every day for the past eight years. Trust me, I have blown it many a time. And even that has been a learning experience for both of us. I make sure to let her see me messing up, dusting myself off and starting over again. I let her see me try to make amends when I make a mistake. I want her to see that we aren't perfect and that we will make mistakes but that we must still try to offer the best of ourselves each and every day. I want her to see that we have to make choices that are loving and respectful of ourselves and those around us. And I want her to see that we should appreciate every moment and live it to the fullest.
It's been an interesting experience to see how different the decisions I would have instinctually made for myself differed from what I would want for her. Little by little I began to see how the decisions I had been making in my life were not at all loving or respectful to myself. And what started out as a decision to help me be a better mother to her, proved to be a life altering change for me. With each good decision I began to make using Emily as my guide, I began to learn to love myself. I began to see what loving choices look like. I began to gain respect for myself again. And as the love and respect increased, the anger, frustration and depression fell away effortlessly. I learned that the most important thing in the world is for you to truly love yourself because nothing around you can be right if you aren't first right within yourself.
Over the past eight years I also learned that I was a fool to think that I would be the one teaching Emily because it is so clear that she has been the one teaching me. Her spirit, her heart, her excitement, her energy, her drive, her hope, her faith, her belief that anything is possibly, her sense of wonder and amazement, her pureness, her wholeness, her innocence, etc. Every day I wake up and try to be more and more like her. In so many ways she has transformed the way I think and opened me back up to a beautiful world full of possibilities and excitement that brings out the best in me.
And the most profound realization of all has been the realization that everything that happened in my life up until she was born was all just preparation for me to be Emily's mother. Not just a mother, but to be EMILY's mother. I can see with every situation and circumstance how life was just preparing me for her. I see how even those things I thought were some of the worst experiences in my life were just preparing me to be who I needed to be for her. I believe that our children don't belong to us. We are entrusted with them for a period of time and our job is to keep them safe and nurture and guide them so that they can grow into who they are meant to be and at that point our job is to let go. And I know with every fiber of my being that Emily Sofia Greene has come into this life with a plan and a purpose and a mission. And I know beyond a shadow of a doubt that it was my plan and purpose and mission to learn the lessons for her so that I could guide her and pave the way for her so she can step into her greatness.
Emily told me a few years ago that I was the mommy she picked before she was born. I believe that. And I'm honored and humbled that she picked me and I take this responsibility and privilege very seriously. I know I fall short every day. But I also know that I try my best to do a good job of being her mother. It is the single most difficult and rewarding experience and I treasure every part of it. This is definitely my life's greatest work and I am thankful for it.
Emily, Happy 8th Birthday my beautiful baby girl. Thank you for picking me. Every day with you has been an absolute blessing. And I'm looking forward to seeing what you teach me next.
Much Love,
Vanessa...in progress. (VIP)
Before Emily, my life was part awesome and part disaster! I didn't always make the greatest decisions and I struggled with a lot of anger, frustration and sometimes even depression. I just couldn't seem to get it right.
Then there was Emily. And everything changed.
Even though the circumstances around the time of her birth were not necessarily ideal, I was still aware enough to know that she was a precious gift. I remember rocking her in the glider and watching her sleep in my arms, so in love with her and also so completely overwhelmed. How could I ever parent her? How could I ever be a good mother? I hadn't even yet figured out my own life. What could I possibly teacher her?
She was so tiny. So beautiful. So full of love and trust and joy. I wanted her to have everything. I wanted to be able to give her everything. And I knew that what I didn't want was to pass on to her my confusion, anger, frustration and depression. I knew that I needed to figure it out once and for all. I needed to be happy. I needed to become who I wanted her to grow up to be.
I made one key decision at that time, that would change everything and eventually save my life. I decided that I no longer had the luxury of just surviving and being dragged through life. I no longer had the luxury of making bad decisions. I decided that from that day forward Emily would be my guide and the screen through which I would make all future decisions. I didn't know what the future had in store or what situations I would encounter. But I decided that whatever came my way I would do my best to stop and think what I would want Emily to do if it were her in that situation. And whatever that was, I needed that to be the decision I would make for my own life. I knew that what would speak louder than anything I could ever tell her or try and teach her, was the example of my own life. And I couldn't just limit it to choices she would know about or see. It had to also be those decisions I made in private that she would never even know about. Those might even be the more important decisions because those decisions would be the ones that truly formed my character and integrity and would create my own opinion of myself. And I knew that no matter what behavior I was demonstrating to her, what would always come through loud and clear was what I truly thought and how I truly felt about myself. And so the journey began. The ultimate act of love for her would be for me to be the best me that I could be and set the example for her.
And that is what I have tried to do every day for the past eight years. Trust me, I have blown it many a time. And even that has been a learning experience for both of us. I make sure to let her see me messing up, dusting myself off and starting over again. I let her see me try to make amends when I make a mistake. I want her to see that we aren't perfect and that we will make mistakes but that we must still try to offer the best of ourselves each and every day. I want her to see that we have to make choices that are loving and respectful of ourselves and those around us. And I want her to see that we should appreciate every moment and live it to the fullest.
It's been an interesting experience to see how different the decisions I would have instinctually made for myself differed from what I would want for her. Little by little I began to see how the decisions I had been making in my life were not at all loving or respectful to myself. And what started out as a decision to help me be a better mother to her, proved to be a life altering change for me. With each good decision I began to make using Emily as my guide, I began to learn to love myself. I began to see what loving choices look like. I began to gain respect for myself again. And as the love and respect increased, the anger, frustration and depression fell away effortlessly. I learned that the most important thing in the world is for you to truly love yourself because nothing around you can be right if you aren't first right within yourself.
Over the past eight years I also learned that I was a fool to think that I would be the one teaching Emily because it is so clear that she has been the one teaching me. Her spirit, her heart, her excitement, her energy, her drive, her hope, her faith, her belief that anything is possibly, her sense of wonder and amazement, her pureness, her wholeness, her innocence, etc. Every day I wake up and try to be more and more like her. In so many ways she has transformed the way I think and opened me back up to a beautiful world full of possibilities and excitement that brings out the best in me.
And the most profound realization of all has been the realization that everything that happened in my life up until she was born was all just preparation for me to be Emily's mother. Not just a mother, but to be EMILY's mother. I can see with every situation and circumstance how life was just preparing me for her. I see how even those things I thought were some of the worst experiences in my life were just preparing me to be who I needed to be for her. I believe that our children don't belong to us. We are entrusted with them for a period of time and our job is to keep them safe and nurture and guide them so that they can grow into who they are meant to be and at that point our job is to let go. And I know with every fiber of my being that Emily Sofia Greene has come into this life with a plan and a purpose and a mission. And I know beyond a shadow of a doubt that it was my plan and purpose and mission to learn the lessons for her so that I could guide her and pave the way for her so she can step into her greatness.
Emily told me a few years ago that I was the mommy she picked before she was born. I believe that. And I'm honored and humbled that she picked me and I take this responsibility and privilege very seriously. I know I fall short every day. But I also know that I try my best to do a good job of being her mother. It is the single most difficult and rewarding experience and I treasure every part of it. This is definitely my life's greatest work and I am thankful for it.
Emily, Happy 8th Birthday my beautiful baby girl. Thank you for picking me. Every day with you has been an absolute blessing. And I'm looking forward to seeing what you teach me next.
Much Love,
Vanessa...in progress. (VIP)
Monday, January 14, 2013
Living Out Loud...
I've always been a bit LOUD. Not only am I literally LOUD but I guess you can kind of say that I've always lived out LOUD meaning that I have always lived my life very out in the open for all to see. Throughout the years I've encountered people that enjoy and are entertained by my 'loudness'. And I've also encountered those that are put off by it and just don't get it. I never really gave any of it much thought. I was just living. It was just who I was. But recently, I had reason to stop and think about it. So I did.
Starting on the assumption that my way was the only correct and logical way to be (because isn't that what we all think?) I began to wonder how anyone could NOT appreciate it. Isn't it fun? Isn't it funny? Isn't it amusing? Isn't it entertaining? Etc. But I guess it isn't, not to everyone. Why?
I began to think about some of the things I know they think to themselves (or have said to me). The most basic complaint is that I'm disturbing the quiet. OK. I get that. And I guess I'm kind of sorry. It's not my intention. But sometimes the quiet disturbs my need to be loud. So, I guess we'll have to compromise on that one.
Another question I often get is "Why do you want everyone to know your business? Don't you like for some things to be private?" I had to think hard about that one. For as much as I share there are still a few (very few) things that I do keep all to myself. But yes, for the most part I put myself on blast. I guess I do this for a few reasons. Part of it is really just natural. As I said, I've just sort of always been this way. I dont have that little flag that goes up as your talking and tells you, "Hey, this may be something you want to keep to yourself...TMI!" But I guess at another level I share because I want others to know who I am. I want them to know I'm real. I want them to know what makes me tick. I want them to know my stories. And in sharing my stories with them my hope is always that it helps them to open up and share their stories with me. And if they don't feel comfortable sharing, to at least know enough about me that they feel they can connect with me on a deeper level.
You see, I've never been much for superficial connections. And I just feel that until you can get down into the depths of who a person is and understand who they are and know their stories you can never really connect with them at that level. And that's really what I want. I want us to connect. I want you to understand me and I want to understand you. And from that place of understanding I hope that something new and beautiful can grow. Even if all we ever have is one conversation but that conversation was deep and meaningful, then it meant something to me and will stay with me forever. And I'm sure that in some way it changed me. Some of my favorite memories are of long, deep conversations with people I only met once. I recall those exchanges with love and appreciation and know that I grew from them ins some way.
Beyond that I also share because I feel that is how we learn. I have learned so much about life, how to be happy, and how to relate to other people from learning about other people's experiences. And I guess that in some way I hope that when I share my story someone will see themselves in my stories and that they will feel connected and maybe, just maybe they will learn something that helps them grow.
And lastly, I guess the other reason I share so much is because...well why the hell not?!?!?!?! I have nothing to hide. I'm not concerned with being judged. And no one can hurt me with information that I've chosen to share. So...I'm just gonna keep right on sharing.
Now, another comment I've heard is that I want/need attention. Ummm, why yes...yes I do. I think we all do in some way. And this is my way. I don't want attention in the sense that I will shrivel up and die if I dont get it. Or I dont feel worthy without it. I just like it. It's how I connect. It's how I interact. And so I'm not sharing from a place of neediness. I'm sharing from a place of love and the attention is just a nice perk. So there!
A few years ago, I decided to start this blog and that would require sharing at a whole other level. I chose to start this blog for 2 main reasons: 1) because writing for me is cathartic, 2) I was looking for some like minded people. Life had taken some twists and turns and as a result I had become less open and felt the need more and more to put up a facade as though everything was perfect. And as a result of that I had surrounded myself with people that were also not open and that hightened the need to keep up appearances to keep myself in favor with everyone. I felt like I was dying a slow death. I was suffocating. And one day I knew that I just couldn't do it anymore. I knew I had to step out and tell my truth and if it cost me every friend and relationship I had well then that was just how it was going to have to be. But I could not hide my truth anymore. The truth being that I was not perfect. That I didnt have it all together. That I have crazy thoughts sometimes. That I make mistakes all the time. That I am a work in progress and that I know you are too. And that I am no longer afraid and no longer feel the need to hide behind this mask of fake perfection. And not only do I no longer feel the need to hide any of this but I embrace it. I'm crazy as hell and its all good.
Writing for me is like talking. It's an outlet. It helps me to sort out the thoughts that get all jumbled in my head and TRY to make some kind of sense out of them. So when I decided to 'step out' and figure this all out I first thought of journaling....privately. But then someone mentioned blogging to me. And I thought...hmmm. And that's when I realized. I think some of us are made like this for a reason. There are some of us that are made in a way where we have no reservations about sharing and bearing our soul for the world to see. And I think for that for those of us that have this 'gift' it is almost our duty to use our lives as examples for those that may be struggling and not have an outlet of their own or not have someone to talk to. And so the blog was born. I named the blog very appropriately I think. I had no idea at the time what was going to come out of my mouth...err...fingers. But I knew whatever it was it would be truth, imperfect, and subject to change as I learn and grow. That I would never have it figured it. That I would always be happily in progress. And that I just hoped that as I wrote I could find some answers for myself. And that as some poeple read that they might find some answers for themselves.
So...for those of you who have read and appreciated the openness and the sharing, I thank you. And if even one of you have ever connected with any of it and learned anything from it then it is all worth it. And even if you havent learned from it or connected in any deep kind of way but were somehow entertained by it, then it was still worth it.
And to those of you who think I'm crazy and needy and don't get it....I say...then why are you reading this? No...just kidding...you are welcome to. But please know, that yes I am crazy. And in some sense needy. And even if you don't get it you are welcome to stay and I love you all the same.
Much love,
Vanessa...in progress. (VIP)
Sunday, January 6, 2013
It's 2013! So Now What?
I originally intended to do my first blog post of the year on the 1st. But, I wasn't quite ready yet. Ready for what...I'm not sure. But I felt like I had still needed time to think about how I felt about this coming year.
2012 was everything a year is supposed to be. There were betrayals and tragedies...blessings and surprises...good news and bad news...the ending of relationships and the starting (or restarting) of news ones...setbacks and moving forward. There were lessons, tears, laughter, and growth. It was perfect!
In the past, if I had a year like that I would have been miserable. I would have drowned myself in the misery of the 'bad' stuff and never fully enjoyed the good stuff because I would be waiting for the other shoe to drop. And in the end I would have proclaimed it a bad year and been eager to put it to bed and move on to a new year where maybe, just maybe, things might get a little bit better. But...that's not the place I'm in anymore.
The past few years I've been undergoing a transformation of sorts. Sometimes the lessons and changes are very slow and laborious. At other times they are sudden burts of big giant blow your hair back kind of changes. All leading me towards what I believe is a better version of myself....a version of myself that is more in line with the essense of who I truly am and who I was always meant to be...a version of myself that I had strayed away from for a very long time.
I dont regret the straying. There were plenty of good times and hard lessons during those years. And while I would definitely try to make better choices if I could go back and do it all again, I don't regret or look back on any of it negatively. After all, it all lead me here...to the place I am in this moment. And I don't know if I could or would appreciate this place so much if I hadnt had the 'darker' years.
So, here I am...transformed and still transforming (or shall I say, in progress.) And from this place I can tell you that I'm a little worn out by the ups and downs, I'm feeling extremely appreciative for the good stuff, and I'm excited and hopeful about the future. And the difference is all in my perspective. See, I've learned and finally come to understand that life isnt good when good things are happening and bad when bad things are happening. It's all just life. All of it makes up life. And it is up to each of us to decide how we show up to the events in our lives, how we work through them, what we bring to them, what we learn from them, and what meaning we give to them. And I have chosen to try to try my best to show up to all of these things in an effort to bring love and serve as best I can. I have chosen to try to travel through it all with love, understanding and accepting that there is a bigger picture that I can't always see. I have chosen to find the silver lining in every cloud, try to learn as much as I can from every experience and to give a positive and empowering meaning to everything that happens.I have chosen to become more aware of the fact that ever day, every moment is a gift no matter what it is filled with and that the ability to even experience good or bad means that I am alive and I am here and that there is life for me to live. And that has made all the difference in the quality of my life.
I needed a few extra days to to step back and gain that perspective and really understand this change. I needed time to contemplate all that was 2012, where I am in this moment , and what I want and hope for 2013. There is always so much hype and activity around the celebrating of the holidays that I often don't get the chance to just stop and think and consider things. So when the celebrating had died down a little...I just took some time...and thought...and as always...in the stillness there was clarity. And I am thankful for the clarity. And I am thankful for all that was 2012.
There are no resolutions this year....but I have 2 hopes that I believe would contain within them any resolutions that I may have made for myself.
The first hope is that as I move forward and continue to tranform...that I can bring some alignment to all of the various aspects of my life. I have areas of my life where I feel like I'm in a good place and moving forward and all is well. And I have areas of my life where I am struggling and need help. And then there is that essense of me that I mentioned earlier. When I look deeper at the places where things are well and the areas where things aren't well, the problem becomes clear to me. Those things that go well are usually those where I am able and aware enough to bring my true self to the table complete with all my lessons and growth. And those areas where I still struggle are those that for some reason I am not yet able to bring myself fully to the table. So as I said, my hope is to be able to bring more alignment into my life. So that in everything I do and everywhere I go I am always bringing ME as fully and completely as I can. And I believe that when I am able to master always making my top priority the bringing of me into every moment that all of the other pieces will begin to fall into place...almost effortlessly.
The second hope is that I learn to be more loving and better able to serve. I have seen with my own eyes and my own life how different and how much better everything is when there is love. And while I do my best to be loving I know that I fall short regularly. I don't expert to ever get it perfect. But I do hope that on some level I can just improve in this area and be better able to bring love into every situation and moment...especially those where it is the hardest to do so...because those are the ones that need it the most. Along with that...because I believe they go hand in hand...is the hope that I can be of better service to the world. Sometimes we can serve by simply bringing love and I will try to do that. But where it is within my power and ability to bring more, to make life better, to leave a situation or person better than I found them, I hope that I am aware enough...humble enough...strong enough...brave enough and loving enough to do what needs to be done.
After all, I do believe this is why we are all here. I believe we are here so that we can wake up each day and fully appreciate the gradiosity that is life...that we can be in awe of our existence and ability to sift through all that life has to offer and try to make the best of it all...that we do our best to be aware and fully present in each moment accepting and appreciating all that life brings with it while understanding that it is all necessary and important...and to understand our capacity and ability to love and bring it to everything we do...and that while we are here enjoying our existence and living life to the fullest that we are also serving...making things better...helping one another...and contributing to this thing called life.
This is where I'm at and what I hope for 2013. How about you?
Much love...
Vanessa...in progress. (VIP)
2012 was everything a year is supposed to be. There were betrayals and tragedies...blessings and surprises...good news and bad news...the ending of relationships and the starting (or restarting) of news ones...setbacks and moving forward. There were lessons, tears, laughter, and growth. It was perfect!
In the past, if I had a year like that I would have been miserable. I would have drowned myself in the misery of the 'bad' stuff and never fully enjoyed the good stuff because I would be waiting for the other shoe to drop. And in the end I would have proclaimed it a bad year and been eager to put it to bed and move on to a new year where maybe, just maybe, things might get a little bit better. But...that's not the place I'm in anymore.
The past few years I've been undergoing a transformation of sorts. Sometimes the lessons and changes are very slow and laborious. At other times they are sudden burts of big giant blow your hair back kind of changes. All leading me towards what I believe is a better version of myself....a version of myself that is more in line with the essense of who I truly am and who I was always meant to be...a version of myself that I had strayed away from for a very long time.
I dont regret the straying. There were plenty of good times and hard lessons during those years. And while I would definitely try to make better choices if I could go back and do it all again, I don't regret or look back on any of it negatively. After all, it all lead me here...to the place I am in this moment. And I don't know if I could or would appreciate this place so much if I hadnt had the 'darker' years.
So, here I am...transformed and still transforming (or shall I say, in progress.) And from this place I can tell you that I'm a little worn out by the ups and downs, I'm feeling extremely appreciative for the good stuff, and I'm excited and hopeful about the future. And the difference is all in my perspective. See, I've learned and finally come to understand that life isnt good when good things are happening and bad when bad things are happening. It's all just life. All of it makes up life. And it is up to each of us to decide how we show up to the events in our lives, how we work through them, what we bring to them, what we learn from them, and what meaning we give to them. And I have chosen to try to try my best to show up to all of these things in an effort to bring love and serve as best I can. I have chosen to try to travel through it all with love, understanding and accepting that there is a bigger picture that I can't always see. I have chosen to find the silver lining in every cloud, try to learn as much as I can from every experience and to give a positive and empowering meaning to everything that happens.I have chosen to become more aware of the fact that ever day, every moment is a gift no matter what it is filled with and that the ability to even experience good or bad means that I am alive and I am here and that there is life for me to live. And that has made all the difference in the quality of my life.
I needed a few extra days to to step back and gain that perspective and really understand this change. I needed time to contemplate all that was 2012, where I am in this moment , and what I want and hope for 2013. There is always so much hype and activity around the celebrating of the holidays that I often don't get the chance to just stop and think and consider things. So when the celebrating had died down a little...I just took some time...and thought...and as always...in the stillness there was clarity. And I am thankful for the clarity. And I am thankful for all that was 2012.
There are no resolutions this year....but I have 2 hopes that I believe would contain within them any resolutions that I may have made for myself.
The first hope is that as I move forward and continue to tranform...that I can bring some alignment to all of the various aspects of my life. I have areas of my life where I feel like I'm in a good place and moving forward and all is well. And I have areas of my life where I am struggling and need help. And then there is that essense of me that I mentioned earlier. When I look deeper at the places where things are well and the areas where things aren't well, the problem becomes clear to me. Those things that go well are usually those where I am able and aware enough to bring my true self to the table complete with all my lessons and growth. And those areas where I still struggle are those that for some reason I am not yet able to bring myself fully to the table. So as I said, my hope is to be able to bring more alignment into my life. So that in everything I do and everywhere I go I am always bringing ME as fully and completely as I can. And I believe that when I am able to master always making my top priority the bringing of me into every moment that all of the other pieces will begin to fall into place...almost effortlessly.
The second hope is that I learn to be more loving and better able to serve. I have seen with my own eyes and my own life how different and how much better everything is when there is love. And while I do my best to be loving I know that I fall short regularly. I don't expert to ever get it perfect. But I do hope that on some level I can just improve in this area and be better able to bring love into every situation and moment...especially those where it is the hardest to do so...because those are the ones that need it the most. Along with that...because I believe they go hand in hand...is the hope that I can be of better service to the world. Sometimes we can serve by simply bringing love and I will try to do that. But where it is within my power and ability to bring more, to make life better, to leave a situation or person better than I found them, I hope that I am aware enough...humble enough...strong enough...brave enough and loving enough to do what needs to be done.
After all, I do believe this is why we are all here. I believe we are here so that we can wake up each day and fully appreciate the gradiosity that is life...that we can be in awe of our existence and ability to sift through all that life has to offer and try to make the best of it all...that we do our best to be aware and fully present in each moment accepting and appreciating all that life brings with it while understanding that it is all necessary and important...and to understand our capacity and ability to love and bring it to everything we do...and that while we are here enjoying our existence and living life to the fullest that we are also serving...making things better...helping one another...and contributing to this thing called life.
This is where I'm at and what I hope for 2013. How about you?
Much love...
Vanessa...in progress. (VIP)
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)