I have always felt 'different' from everyone around me. Sometimes, even a little embarrassed about the places my mind would go. Everyone else always seemed so 'normal' and I always felt like everyone thought I was crazy. So, over time, I started taking on that perspective and believed that I in fact, was crazy...and everyone else was normal. And...over time I began to tone myself down to appear more 'normal'. Anyone who has known me over the past few years may not feel that I have been 'toned down' at all...but the fact is that I have. The 'real' me is much more 'crazy' than I have allowed myself to be in recent years.
It's only over the past year or so, as I go through this period of self-examination and growth that I realize that I'm no more crazy than anyone else. We are all 'crazy' in our own unique way. And it's precisely that crazy in each of us that makes us special and awesome.
Some people don't have the strength or the freedom to fully express their inner crazy and that really is a shame. But those that can...and do...fully embrace and expres their inner crazy...must lead a truly extraordinary life.
I've probably existed somewhere in the middle...expressing my craziness at times and trying to mute it at others...embracing my quirks but also feeling as though I should be apologetic about them. I have never mastered the fine art of being 100% at peace and comfortable with stepping into ME...completely..and unapologetically.
As I've been going down this road of shining a light inside myself to see what I'm really all about...to find out who I really am at my core when you take away all the ways I've 'changed' myself over the years in reaction to people or situations...to get in touch with who I am when I stop acting out of trying to 'protect' myself from possible future pain...to see who I could really be if I stopped holding myself back...it's through this process that I have begun to realize...that I AM in fact completely crazy...in a perfectly awesome kind of way...and what a shame that I haven't been allowing that crazy uniqueness to guide me through life.
The fact is, I never thought ordinary was for me...but resigned myself a long time ago to believe that that ordinary was the way it had to be. I often tried to compensate by filling my life with false 'excitement' that was really just bad for me. Not only does that not create an extraordinary life...but it actually weakens you and takes you farther and farther away from the life you want.
Well...NO MORE! I have seen the light and I'm finally going to let my crazy self bask in it! It's time to unleash the crazy, beautiful me without hesitation or apology.
I know not everyone will be able to handle an unbridled Vanessa...but thats ok. The only one that needs to like it is me. But I know that those that will be able to truly appreciate and love me and all my craziness will be there...enjoying the ride.
So bring on the crazy! Brace yourselves...
Much love...
Vanessa...in progress. (VIP)
To be nobody but yourself in a world which is doing its best, night and day, to make you everybody else means to fight the hardest battle which any human being can fight; and never stop fighting. e.e. cummings
