To all the men I've 'loved' before...

First of all let me clarify the word love in this context...

At this point in my life I feel like I can truly say that I have never known REAL love. I have come to a place in my life that I believe that REAL love (at least the kind of love I'm looking for)requires both people be open and honest and able to give and receive from a place of wholeness. I believe that only from that place can a real exchange and sharing of love take place. I know that I have never been in that place before where I was able to offer myself in that way. And I know that I have never been with anyone that was in a place to offer that to me.

That's not to say that those relationships were not real, or special in their own way. They most definitely were. But...when I say love...in this sense...I mean the love you feel for someone just because they are a fellow human being...because you shared a period of time with them that was special in some way...and because in my own way I gave of myself to them in the best way that I knew how...at that moment in my life.

I also say love...because today...I realize how necessary they each were to my internal evolution. I know that each and every one of them taught me something about what I want...what I don't want...and whether I realized it at the moment or not...the time spent with them taught me things about myself which over time have collectively lead to the place I am today. So while once I may have been bitter and angry and felt regret about the having wasted my time in a relationship that ended badly or with someone that I felt wasn't worth my time and energy in the end...I realize now that each one of them has played an important role in my life and I wouldnt be me...without them.

So...given all of that...this is sort of my 'love letter' to each of them...thanking them for the important role they each played in my life...and the lessons it taught me.

To Mr. Love #1

Since the moment I laid eyes on you, you were my everything. You are the one that the rest have all been compared to. I have never again felt that pure and open love with no boundaries. You taught me about my own incredible capacity to love and that what I want is a friend with who I have deep and special connection. And even though life took its turns and for many reasons we could no longer be together, you also taught me that that love like that never ends. And even though you are no longer with us, I still carry you in my heart every day and you are with me wherever I go.

To Mr. Love #2

To this day I dont think that any man has ever loved me with the level of intensity and honesty that you did and for as long as you did.  It wasn't until recently that I realized what kept drawing me back to you all of these years. It was the certainty of you. I was certain that you loved me. I was certain that you would be there. In an uncertain world...certainty can become very intoxicating. But we got to a point where I couldnt handle us anymore. The honesty became too raw for me. Even though I know that honesty helped me in the long run and has been the catalyst to some significant transformation in my life...it got too hard for me. I didn't feel safe anymore. Our relationship taught me that I do want to be with someone I can feel secure with and depend on and whose love I am certain of...but I also realized that it needs to be a space where I can be me...always...in progress...and not feel constantly judged or corrected for being flawed.  I need to feel free to trip and fall and figure things out for myself and to know that I will still be loved through all of it. So...even though we had to eventually part ways...again...I know I would not be me...without you. I thank you for loving me so much...and for the gift of that special love and connection that only we could understand. I will always wonder...what if...  

To Mr. Love #3

You were definitely different from the rest of them...in so many ways. You were my first 'good guy'. We really had something good that I think I just wasn't ready for and couldn't fully appreciate at the time. And...really...I just wasn't the one for you. You loved me...but you always wanted me to be just a little bit different...and I wasn't...and would never be. I have nothing but good thoughts and memories of us. But I also know that we had to go our seperate ways or we would have ended up very unhappy. You taught me that I want to be with someone that loves me for who I am...just the way I am. But no matter what we always treated each other with love and respect and that will always give you a special place in my heart.

To Mr. Love #4

You were the right guy at the right time. Boy...did we had some good times. You were my sweet escape. We were all fun...nothing serious. And that was exactly what we both wanted from each other. It worked out perfectly. In a way I think that our time together brought me back to life...and got me back in touch with parts of myself that I had forgotten. Nothing but smiles whenever I think of you. As a matter of fact...whenever I think of you I get the urge to track you down. But I know that that was a different time and we wouldnt work like that anymore. But it was perfect while it lasted. Thank you for reminding me that its important to just have fun. You taught me that I want to be with someone who I can get lost with in pure bliss. But you also taught me that when it's time to get found...the person you're with has to want to get found too. You weren't that guy...and that's cool. It doesnt take away from any of the fun we had. You definitely rocked my world!

To Mr. Love #5

I almost hesitate to even write anything about you. Thinking about us is still so difficult. Not because it was bad...but just because there are still many questions left unanswered and issues unresolved...and there is nothing I can do about it. What I know for sure is that the time we shared taught me that I want to be with someone I can laugh with...and someone that has a good heart...like you did. But you also taught me that I need someone that that I can count on and rely on...and you couldn't be that guy. Our short time together also taught me important lessons about family, friends, life and death. The world has definitely not been the same without you...and I'm extremely grateful for having had the opportunity to know you. Thanks for the good times and for leaving me with a new group of extended family and friends.

To Mr. Love #6

Well...my life was really never the same again after you. This one is pretty complicated so I'll sum it up by saying...that I know now that you were a necessary part of my life. My time with you made me question everything about myself. I became a shell of a human being and was completely lost for a long time..and I was angry about it for a LONG time. But after fighting my way back to myself I have realized what a tremendous gift you were in my life. As crazy as our 'relationship' was (if we can even really call it a relationship) it was the 'rock bottom' that I needed to hit in order to stop making some of the really bad decisions I was making, get serious about my life...and recreate myself. And as difficult as the whole thing was I wouldnt change it for a moment...especially because it gave me the greatest gift that life could ever give me - my daughter! And she has been the motivation for everything good I have done since she was born. So...thank you for forcing me to hit my reset button and for the gift of my daughter...which has brought me the greatest joy and been my guiding light through life.

To Mr. Love #7

Really...you shouldn't even be in this list of men because we didnt even really have a relationship. And you, yourself, were not all that significant in my life. But our very brief exchange taught me so much about myself that I felt that it was important to include it in this list. In so many ways you were my full circle moment. In some way, shape or form, our time together kicked up all of the insecurities and fears that I had developed over time. But it was the missing piece for me. In many ways it was the period at the end of a very long sentence. It allowed me to finally step into myself in how I relate to men. It allowed me to finally let go of all of those insecurities and fears and begin an adventure of self discovery that would prove to completely transform me as a person. This experience taught me that I'm finally ready for a 'good guy' but he has to actually BE a good guy and not just be acting like one. You taught me that I won't settle for anything less than a man for which honesty and integrity are a top priority. The most important lessons I learned were that true strength is found in learning to be vulnerable...that I alone know what is right for me...that I CAN trust my own judgement...that I WILL act in my best interest when I allow myself to...and that I am ready....and those lessons have made all the difference in my life. So...while you were the least significant 'relationship'...I still owe you the biggest thank you.

While there were others in between the 'SUPER SEVEN' these are the ones that I feel had the greatest impact and taught me the greatest lessons that have transformed my life

As I said in the beginning...today...I know who I am...I know what I bring to the table...I'm ready to bring it to the table with openness and love and confidence...I know what I want...I know I have the ability to recognize it and embrace it when I find it...and that I have the strength of character and self worth to walk away when I know it's not right. And regardless of if or when I find it...I am already complete and have everything I need.

So...again...to all the men I've 'loved' before...and to all of you...

Thanks...and much love.

Vanessa...in progress. (VIP)

It's my birthday...and I'll blog if I want to...

I can't believe it has been a whole year since I started this blog! Happy Birthday to me...and my blog!

I have to say this has very proven to be the BEST year of my entire life...in so many ways.

From making the initial choice to start this journey and put my life out there for all to see...experiencing my daughter go through Kindergarten...getting stuck in a funk which I would later learn would be the key to me turning my entire life around...getting a dog...learning how to be brutally but lovingly honest...learning to truly see and count my blessings...dealing with an extremely brief 'fling' gone 'bad'...rediscovering who I am and being able to reconnect with that...exploring a new way of traveling through life that feels more natural and comfortable and is much more enjoyable and fun...remembering how to respect and honor myself and my emotions...being reminded and inspired to live my best life by dealing with the loss of a loved one...falling madly and unconditionally in love with myself and life even if I'm a little crazy or maybe especially because I'm a little bit crazy...reconnecting with my faith...learning to love and not judge and always strive to be the best me I can be...and finally learning that true stength is found in vulnerability...whew...

And those are just the overarching lessons...inside each one are many small yet impactful lessons that have truly transformed me in a way I would have never thought possible when I started this journey one year ago. And yet...with all that change I know its only the beginning. I know that all I have done is clear out a lot of the cobwebs that were blocking my path...and now with all the cobwebs cleared...and my path wide open and laid out in front of me...I can begin to travel down that path with a steadfast clarity about who I am and who I'm not...what I want and what I dont...what I'm willing to compromise on and what I'm not...and complete confidence in my ability to navigate it all. And I can take that journey with an openness I've never had before to let it all in...knowing that it all has a purpose and I will always be the better for it.

Today I'm celebrating my 37th birthday but in many ways I feel like my life is just beginning. Today I step out...born again...and ready...to take on another year...with a me that seems to be new and born again each and every day...

I can hardly wait to see what experiences are before me...and the lessons they will teach me...and the ways that they will transform me... And I plan to smile and laugh as much as I can along the way.

Thanks so much for taking this ride with me...and I hope you stick around for the rest of it.

Much love...

Vanessa...in progress. (VIP)

What I learned from the Casey Anthony story...

From the moment the story hit the news back in 2008 I was captivated...for many reasons. First and foremost little Caylee and my daughter were just a few months apart in age so at the time the story was breaking I kept watching the images of Caylee flash on the screen and then would look back at my own daughter and I would be overwhelmed with many different and sometimes contradictory emotions. Secondly, I too was a single mother and therefore kept trying to put myself in Casey's place and try to understand and relate...but I could not bring myself to comprehend what had happened. I couldnt let go of the story or the gut-wrenching pain that I felt inside when the reality of it all would hit me over and over again in waves.

For months I followed the story intently but after a year or so it faded from the news with the exception of an occassional update and I went back to my life and was eventually able to put it out of my mind.

Then came the trial. I tried to not get sucked in but the image of Caylee's little face all over the screen made it possible for me to turn my head and I got sucked in again. I watched and listened to every day of testimony and then listened more to recaps and opinions in the evening news stories each day. And I...like many others...was shocked...saddened...pained...and in disbelief when I heard the verdict.

However, my intent here is not so much to discuss the outcome of the trial. I have a very strong opinion about it...but I respect others right to have theirs...and I respect the judicial process in our country (although I also have several criticisms of it.) But at the end of it all...when the shock and anger and emotion started to subside a bit...I began to realize that through this process and in part because of it...I had changed.

What I learned from this story...is that we are all human...and all flawed...and are in no position to self-righteously judge anyone. That's not to say that we should not judge the act of murdering a child. I think we can all agree that it is beyond wrong....and when done at the hands of your own mother (which I believe it was) is beyond comprehension. But...I learned that it is not our role in life to judge. I think it was clear to all of us that the Anthony's were a very disfunctional family...but whose family isn't? And yes...maybe there's was a bit more disfunctional than most...but I believe they had a genuine love for each other...Cindy's pain and desperation on that 911 call was real...and let's face it...there has to be a deep rooted love to stand by each other and stay 'in tact' through something as horrible as this. And while I do believe that Casey killed Caylee you see the pictures and videos of them interacting and I just dont feel that those emotions and the happiness that you see in those images is fake. God only knows what happened in Casey's mind that caused her to do this unthinkable act...and none of us can even begin to imagine what it must be like to be any of the Anthony's and have to deal with any of this while also grieving the loss of your grandaughter. And while I strongly...STRONGLY...disgree with the verdict of the jurors...who are we to know what it was like to be sequestered for 6 weeks and sit in their shoes and have to make a decision about some young woman's life...when...while I did think the prosecution had proved their case....the defense was able to legitimately poke some holes in it....and when (and this is my biggest issue at the moment) the people that were selected as jurors in the first place are not really given the proper education, information, training, direction, guidance and instruction to even be able to adequately review and anazlyze the evidence put before them and full and clearly understand the charges or the true definition of reasonable doubt. I think that I will have to spend an entire blog just expressing my issues and concerns with the jury process but again...my point here is just to say that given what it is...who are we to judge them either when we have not walked in their shoes.

As I woke up this morning what I felt was pity and empathy for everyone. Pity that the Anthony's have lost their precious grandaughter and that their lives are forever destroyed and damaged....pity that the jury has to live with the decision that they made...pity that casey is so damaged that she doesnt even seem to be able to comprehend the gift that she had in that little girl...and the magnitude of what she did. I feel pity for those that are reacting with anger and proposed violence...pity that they feel that level of pain but also pity that they dont have a better way of processing it and dealing with it. I could go on and on...but again..my point is that today I feel sadness and just hope and pray for a sense of peace for everyone...especially little Caylee.

And the last and most important thing that I learned is that when I have the impulse to judge another...I try my best (although I still fail at times) to turn it around and use that impulse to judge to make myself better. As I said in the beginning...I too am a single mother with a young daughter...and it isn't always easy balancing a child...work...finances...relationships...the judgement of others...and all the other things life throws at you. And while I know that I am a much better mother than Casey was and am incapable of harming my child in any way...the entire story caused me to check myself to make sure that I was functioning above my own level of judgement. While my sadness for those affected by this persists...it brings me a sense of peace to know that I have used the experience of this tragedy to become a better mother to my daughter and a better person, in general...and that's all that's ever really in our power to do.

Without judgement...

Vanessa...in progress. (VIP)