Today I turn 39. I always make a point of giving myself a gift on my birthday. But for this birthday none of the typical types of gifts I usually give myself interested me. This year...it would have to be something different. Something more. Something life changing.
And then it hit me. Next year I will be 40. My 30's have been a time of significant transformation. I need to honor that transformation by making this last year of my 30's a year of even more transformation that will carry me into my 40's a better person.
Over the past few years I have changed so many things in my life in an effort to be a better person. There will always be more to do but I feel good about where I am at this point in my life. I have dealt with most of the things that were obstacles, overcome them, and replaced them with things that enrich my life. And that feels great. But with the arrival of my 39 birthday and the path to 40 in front of me, I can no longer ignore the fact that there was one area where I was still failing. I could no longer deny that there was a major part of me that I have not been able to fix. And I could no longer turn my back on the truth that was in front of me. I knew that this needed to be the focus of my life for this year. I knew that tackling this had to be the gift I gave to myself. And I knew that in order for me to do it successfully I needed to 'out' myself.
The truth is that for many years I have been waging a war against my body and it has gotten to the point that I barely recognize myself and it is impacting my health and well being in many different ways. This is not just about weight. As a matter of fact, I think that one of the reasons I have been failing at dealing with this issue for so long is because I thought it was an issue of weight and tried to deal with it with all of the typical 'weight loss' methods. Not only did they not work but they only made things worse. It's only been during this past year as I've made progress in other areas of my life that I came to truly understand that at some point the occasional food over indulgence had grown into me being in a completely abusive and compulsive relationship with myself when it came to food.
I don't want to get into all of the many reasons why this has happened. At least not yet. Maybe I will blog about those things at another time. Its sufficient at this time to say that there were many people, places, things, events and circumstances that have occurred over my lifetime that left me feeling disconnected from my body and my soul. And over the years that disconnection left me feeling empty and incomplete. And as many people do I tried to fill the void in many ways that were not good for me. But as I've been cleaning out my life of many of the other negative ways I tried to fill the void it seems that the only outlet left to hold my feelings and help me stay disconnected from myself was to eat. And so while other areas of my life got better this area kept getting worse. At first I didn't understand. I was finally in a good place and feeling better than I have ever felt before. So many things were going well and working out for me. Why was this one thing getting worse? I couldn't figure it out but I didn't really try. Going there was too painful so I just kept focusing on everything else and let that problem just continue to grow.
As I started reconnecting with my soul through the work I have been doing on myself and the many transformations that have taken place, the disconnect with my body became to painful to ignore anymore. The truth is that the real me...the complete me has been hiding. I can feel that my light is dimmed because of this. I can feel that I have become a muted version of myself which prevents me from living my life to its fullest potential. I know that the last piece of the puzzle is hiding in this compulsion that has been several years in the making. I know that if I really want to continue to progress and be on this life journey that I need to reconnect with all the parts of me and that includes this one. This will mean going inside and uncovering all of those things I've been trying to ignore. I know it will not be easy but it is necessary.
So today, on my 39th birthday I am declaring a year long journey back to health. This is not a declaration to lose a certain amount of weight by a certain time. This is not about some diet I'm going to start or an exercise program I am going to begin. This is about an unstructured process of self discovery and reconnection that needs to begin with complete acceptance of where I am today. My goal is to end the abusive relationship with my body. My goal is to heal all of the unhealthy messages that have been programmed into me and replace them with acceptance. My goal is to redefine my relationship with my body into one that honors it. My goal is to replace the abuse with love. And in the end my hope is that through this process I will begin to make healthier choices. In doing so, I hope that my body will be become healthier and stronger and an external expression of what is inside of me. My hope is that when I cross that 40 threshold I do so leaving this abusive relationship that does not serve me behind and I walk into my 40's with a new healthy and loving relationship that will allow me to fully express myself in the world.
I know that some of the people that will read this are some of the people that have contributed in some way to this problem in the first place. I know there are some people that will read it that will not wish me well. But I am not writing this for them. They no longer matter to me. That is the point of outing myself. To say that I acknowledge what I have created but that I'm not 'hiding' anymore. I accept myself as I am and I alone define where I go from here and how I get there. I am no longer letting in the negativity. I write this blog for myself. I write this blog for those of you who I know cheer me on, encourage me, and pray for my well being. I write this blog for those of you who are battling with any kind of abusive relationship with yourself, so you know you are not alone and that there is no shame in it. The only shame comes in not accepting and loving yourself in whatever place you might be in your life.
So for those of you that love me and support me, I invite you in to be a part of the journey. I look to you for encouragement and love. Keep me motivated. Keep me focused. Keep me accountable. I'm counting on you.
Of course I will keep you updated on my progress and the many battles I know I will encounter along the way. I am excited and anxious. I'm eager and scared. But most importantly, I'm not hiding anymore. And that's what matters.
And with that I begin my journey to 40...one healthy...loving choice at a time.
Much love,
Vanessa...in progress. (VIP)
