I can remember it like it was yesterday. It was eight years ago (May 25th) that I officially became Emily's mom and my life forever changed.
Before Emily, my life was part awesome and part disaster! I didn't always make the greatest decisions and I struggled with a lot of anger, frustration and sometimes even depression. I just couldn't seem to get it right.
Then there was Emily. And everything changed.
Even though the circumstances around the time of her birth were not necessarily ideal, I was still aware enough to know that she was a precious gift. I remember rocking her in the glider and watching her sleep in my arms, so in love with her and also so completely overwhelmed. How could I ever parent her? How could I ever be a good mother? I hadn't even yet figured out my own life. What could I possibly teacher her?
She was so tiny. So beautiful. So full of love and trust and joy. I wanted her to have everything. I wanted to be able to give her everything. And I knew that what I didn't want was to pass on to her my confusion, anger, frustration and depression. I knew that I needed to figure it out once and for all. I needed to be happy. I needed to become who I wanted her to grow up to be.
I made one key decision at that time, that would change everything and eventually save my life. I decided that I no longer had the luxury of just surviving and being dragged through life. I no longer had the luxury of making bad decisions. I decided that from that day forward Emily would be my guide and the screen through which I would make all future decisions. I didn't know what the future had in store or what situations I would encounter. But I decided that whatever came my way I would do my best to stop and think what I would want Emily to do if it were her in that situation. And whatever that was, I needed that to be the decision I would make for my own life. I knew that what would speak louder than anything I could ever tell her or try and teach her, was the example of my own life. And I couldn't just limit it to choices she would know about or see. It had to also be those decisions I made in private that she would never even know about. Those might even be the more important decisions because those decisions would be the ones that truly formed my character and integrity and would create my own opinion of myself. And I knew that no matter what behavior I was demonstrating to her, what would always come through loud and clear was what I truly thought and how I truly felt about myself. And so the journey began. The ultimate act of love for her would be for me to be the best me that I could be and set the example for her.
And that is what I have tried to do every day for the past eight years. Trust me, I have blown it many a time. And even that has been a learning experience for both of us. I make sure to let her see me messing up, dusting myself off and starting over again. I let her see me try to make amends when I make a mistake. I want her to see that we aren't perfect and that we will make mistakes but that we must still try to offer the best of ourselves each and every day. I want her to see that we have to make choices that are loving and respectful of ourselves and those around us. And I want her to see that we should appreciate every moment and live it to the fullest.
It's been an interesting experience to see how different the decisions I would have instinctually made for myself differed from what I would want for her. Little by little I began to see how the decisions I had been making in my life were not at all loving or respectful to myself. And what started out as a decision to help me be a better mother to her, proved to be a life altering change for me. With each good decision I began to make using Emily as my guide, I began to learn to love myself. I began to see what loving choices look like. I began to gain respect for myself again. And as the love and respect increased, the anger, frustration and depression fell away effortlessly. I learned that the most important thing in the world is for you to truly love yourself because nothing around you can be right if you aren't first right within yourself.
Over the past eight years I also learned that I was a fool to think that I would be the one teaching Emily because it is so clear that she has been the one teaching me. Her spirit, her heart, her excitement, her energy, her drive, her hope, her faith, her belief that anything is possibly, her sense of wonder and amazement, her pureness, her wholeness, her innocence, etc. Every day I wake up and try to be more and more like her. In so many ways she has transformed the way I think and opened me back up to a beautiful world full of possibilities and excitement that brings out the best in me.
And the most profound realization of all has been the realization that everything that happened in my life up until she was born was all just preparation for me to be Emily's mother. Not just a mother, but to be EMILY's mother. I can see with every situation and circumstance how life was just preparing me for her. I see how even those things I thought were some of the worst experiences in my life were just preparing me to be who I needed to be for her. I believe that our children don't belong to us. We are entrusted with them for a period of time and our job is to keep them safe and nurture and guide them so that they can grow into who they are meant to be and at that point our job is to let go. And I know with every fiber of my being that Emily Sofia Greene has come into this life with a plan and a purpose and a mission. And I know beyond a shadow of a doubt that it was my plan and purpose and mission to learn the lessons for her so that I could guide her and pave the way for her so she can step into her greatness.
Emily told me a few years ago that I was the mommy she picked before she was born. I believe that. And I'm honored and humbled that she picked me and I take this responsibility and privilege very seriously. I know I fall short every day. But I also know that I try my best to do a good job of being her mother. It is the single most difficult and rewarding experience and I treasure every part of it. This is definitely my life's greatest work and I am thankful for it.
Emily, Happy 8th Birthday my beautiful baby girl. Thank you for picking me. Every day with you has been an absolute blessing. And I'm looking forward to seeing what you teach me next.
Much Love,
Vanessa...in progress. (VIP)
