One of my dearest friends just recently lost her dad. I feel very lucky to have had the honor of getting to know him fairly well over the past few years. He was one of the kindest, happiest and most gentle souls that I have ever had the honor to meet and spend time with...and I know that I am a better person for having known him.
Upon his death, as with all deaths, his friends and family began to reminisce about his life and share stores with eachother that illustrated what a special kind of man he was. I know everyone always recalls the best of people after their death...and if I hadn't known him personally I may have thought that people were just recalling his 'best' moments. But, I know that the stories I was hearing were only scratching the surface and didnt...couldn't...do him justice in attempting to sum up his well lived life and his kind, gentle, and loving nature.
This got me thinking of the many people I have lost in my life...and the various 'stories' that were told about them after they had died. It's always interesting to see what remains in people's memories about someone's life once they are gone...how they are summarized...remembered...recalled. Obviously...all of them had wonderful stories and memories associated with them...but for some there were also those unfortunate blanket statements made - he was always searching for something and was never able to find it; she was always so angry and never learned to just enjoy life; if only he could have learned to appreciate what he had a little more; she never really lived or enjoyed her life...and the list goes on...
As I have contemplated all of this over the past few days I couldnt help but wonder...what stories will be told about me...what will my legacy be... If I died tomorrow...how would I remembered? The thought of it sent a chill down my spine...because I KNOW...that I am not completely LIVING the story I would like told about me when I die. I know that I have never been able to LIVE the story that has ALWAYS been inside of me. I have lived pieces and enjoyed parts and overall I would say that I've managed to create a crazy, fun, dramatic, exciting and memorable existence for myself. But, after all the funny stories are told and the memories of all the crazy and fun things Vanessa said and did are shared...I know the other things that will be said...that must be said...because they are true...the parts that aren't so funny...the parts that were painful...the aspects of life that I struggled with and no one could really help me with...though many tried.
Its not so much the details that are the issue...its not the losses that life threw at me or the struggles that I encountered that are the problem. Many have had just as many stuggles and losses...and more. The real problem...the real tragedy...is the inner struggle and inability to find peace and and grace...through all of it. Yes...maybe I have had a bit more that your average person's share of turmoil...but there are people with much worse circumstances that go through it all with much more peace and grace than I have ever been able to. That peace and grace is something that I have longed for and fought for but has eluded me all my life.
It is now, in this moment, as I mourn this most recent loss, that I can really take that all in and realize that this is not the story that I want told about me. It's not so much about caring what people think about me...I don't care much about that. But what I do care about...what I care about most...are the memories and lessons about life...and how it should be lived...that I leave behind for my daughter. How will she remember me? Also, I care about how people will remember feeling after they spent time with me. I want people to feel happy...positive...renewed...reenergized...excited...hopeful...inspired...etc...whether they spent 5 seconds with me or a lifetime. And while I do hope that at times I have accomplished just that...I know that more times than I would like to admit or accept...I have left people feeling drained...tired...bothered...annoyed...exhausted...frustrated...or worst of all...feeling bad for me...because I can't find peace and grace.
This is not acceptable...and the gift here is that in having been able to see it and acknowledge it...in this way...under these circumstances...I can now do something about it.
While all of life is a journey, for the past year or so I have been on one of the most significant chapters of my journey so far. This has definitely been a year of introspection...and growth...and drastic change. And over the past few months I have experienced a chain of events that have ignited something in me that I have never felt before. I know that I am in the midst of great transformation...so great that I am not even able to comprehend what it will look like when I am on the other side of it...but I know that my life will never be the same again. I know that I am finally breaking free of the stories and the pain and the fears that have been holding me back in so many ways for so very long. It's exciting, confusing and frightening all at once. There are days when I am elated and able to see and celebrate even the smallest change or accomplishment. Then there are days where the magnitude and depth of the shift taking place inside me is too much for me to even handle and I can barely catch my breath. All of it is good. All of it is necessary. All of it is welcome.
But again, from this state of transformation that I have been lingering in for some time now...and probably...hopefully...will continue to be in...successfully and progressively...for the rest of my life...I have been able to mourn the loss of my friend's father and use his life as a source of inspiration to make mine better.
Life is short...and yet long at the same time. We never get it perfect...it's never going to be pain free...but I do believe that we can get to a place where we are able to navigate all of it...the good and the bad...with some peace and grace. I know many of you that may read this don't even understand what I'm talking about because handling life with peace and grace is standard for you and you have never known anything but that. God bless you...really...you will never fully understand what a gift that is if you have always had it. But if you are or have ever been like me, you understand how difficult it is to get there and stay there. Our set point is so far from the mark that everything is a struggle and we often feel like we are being dragged through life and barely surviving.
But I'm done...I know this is my time. I know the events of the past year and months have not been for nothing. I know that my angst and drive to be better and do better are pushing me to go places I've never gone before and learn things I never dreamed could be possible...for me. And because I am open...because I am completely broken open...with no more walls to protect me...and ready...to learn...to receive...to be present...I know that this is one of those pivotal moments where I shed what was and create a new reality for myself...with no limits...no boundaries...and no obstacles. Life was meant to be lived...and I will start each day staying true to my story and living it...fully.
So, a profound thank you to my friend's father for the beautiful life he lead that is now serving as an example and inspiration to me. I am beyond grateful for having been fortunate enough to have known him and learned from him. Everytime he saw me he would tell me "I sure do appreciate ya, Vanessa." He has no idea how those words made me feel every time he said them....the idea that he truly appreciated ME...it brings tears to my eyes just to think about it. Little did he know...that it is ME that sure does appreciate him...and I always will.
RIP...and thank you.
"I can't go back to yesterday, because I was a different person then." ~ Lewis Carroll
Much love,
Vanessa...in progress. (VIP)
Saturday, January 29, 2011
Wednesday, January 19, 2011
Embracing Angry
I'm ANGRY...and I now realize that I just need to FINALLY acknowledge it!
In my quest to constantly challenge myself to learn and grow and try and be a 'better person', I have been trying to deal with a recent situation by 'rising above it' and not resorting to 'old patterns' to get through it. Instead of feeling hurt...I've tried to understand. Instead of feeling angry...I've tried to be more loving. Instead of closing up...I've tried to open up more and be more vulnerable. And that's all noble and great and everything...and I've actually learned a lot...especially about myself...in that process...so I guess it wasn't all for nothing...but the fact of the matter is...I DONT FEEL ANY BETTER!!!!!!!!!!! AND...I haven't really been able to MOVE ON! Perhaps old patters weren't the 'healthiest' but they damn sure were effective in the moment.
So...what's a girl to do...when she wants to be true to who she is and how she feels...but also challenge herself to grow and learn new, healthier patterns? There is apparently a very fine line between the two...and what I've discovered is if you don't navigate that line correctly you can drive yourself INSANE!
After a short period of insanity...I decided to revisit my resolutions and see how well I was doing at applying them to this situation. That's when I realized...that I was attempting to do a lot of the things I had listed...but was doing them for others. I was being honest, kind, loving, etc. to others...but I was failing to make sure that I was FIRST AND FOREMOST being all of that to and for myself. Then and ONLY then can you authentically do those things to and for others.
It was then that I stopped...and started to really be HONEST and LOVING and KIND with myself and realized...WTF!?!?!?!?!!? I have been ANGRY this whole time and have not been honest enough...loving enough...and kind enough with myself to put ME first and fully feel that anger and process it so that I COULD move through the situation...more efficiently and effectively...and be done with it. But because I've been denying myself that emotion...and burying it...in my effort to be 'nice' and 'better'...all I've done is surpress it...and surpressed feelings always find a way of expressing themselves eventually! So...before my surpressed feelings express themselves by EXPLODING...I've decided to go ahead and EMBRACE MY ANGER!
I guess I thought that the anger and rage that I used to feel and comforted me during my earlier more crazy years was all a part of being immature and unevolved. I thought it was a raw emotion that I now needed tamed. But as I sit with this...I am now realizing that anger is a beautiful and honest emotion that when acknowledged properly (as it should be) and used correctly can be extremely healing, teach lessons, and bring a level of clarity that can better position you for the next great thing that is waiting for you. It is NOT a sign of immaturity but rather an act of self-love to acknowledge whatever emotion you are feeling...even if that emotion is anger...to allow yourself to feel it...process it...learn from it...heal from it...and eventually...move on from it. The key is to go through that process...in a constructive and not destructive way.
So...now that I am clear about the wonderful place anger can play in life...I am ready to embrace it...and express it...and let it do what it needs to do....constructively. I'm ready to be angry until it feels good...and that's when I'll know I've come out on the other side.
Much love...and anger... ;-)
Vanessa...in progress. (VIP)
In my quest to constantly challenge myself to learn and grow and try and be a 'better person', I have been trying to deal with a recent situation by 'rising above it' and not resorting to 'old patterns' to get through it. Instead of feeling hurt...I've tried to understand. Instead of feeling angry...I've tried to be more loving. Instead of closing up...I've tried to open up more and be more vulnerable. And that's all noble and great and everything...and I've actually learned a lot...especially about myself...in that process...so I guess it wasn't all for nothing...but the fact of the matter is...I DONT FEEL ANY BETTER!!!!!!!!!!! AND...I haven't really been able to MOVE ON! Perhaps old patters weren't the 'healthiest' but they damn sure were effective in the moment.
So...what's a girl to do...when she wants to be true to who she is and how she feels...but also challenge herself to grow and learn new, healthier patterns? There is apparently a very fine line between the two...and what I've discovered is if you don't navigate that line correctly you can drive yourself INSANE!
After a short period of insanity...I decided to revisit my resolutions and see how well I was doing at applying them to this situation. That's when I realized...that I was attempting to do a lot of the things I had listed...but was doing them for others. I was being honest, kind, loving, etc. to others...but I was failing to make sure that I was FIRST AND FOREMOST being all of that to and for myself. Then and ONLY then can you authentically do those things to and for others.
It was then that I stopped...and started to really be HONEST and LOVING and KIND with myself and realized...WTF!?!?!?!?!!? I have been ANGRY this whole time and have not been honest enough...loving enough...and kind enough with myself to put ME first and fully feel that anger and process it so that I COULD move through the situation...more efficiently and effectively...and be done with it. But because I've been denying myself that emotion...and burying it...in my effort to be 'nice' and 'better'...all I've done is surpress it...and surpressed feelings always find a way of expressing themselves eventually! So...before my surpressed feelings express themselves by EXPLODING...I've decided to go ahead and EMBRACE MY ANGER!
I guess I thought that the anger and rage that I used to feel and comforted me during my earlier more crazy years was all a part of being immature and unevolved. I thought it was a raw emotion that I now needed tamed. But as I sit with this...I am now realizing that anger is a beautiful and honest emotion that when acknowledged properly (as it should be) and used correctly can be extremely healing, teach lessons, and bring a level of clarity that can better position you for the next great thing that is waiting for you. It is NOT a sign of immaturity but rather an act of self-love to acknowledge whatever emotion you are feeling...even if that emotion is anger...to allow yourself to feel it...process it...learn from it...heal from it...and eventually...move on from it. The key is to go through that process...in a constructive and not destructive way.
So...now that I am clear about the wonderful place anger can play in life...I am ready to embrace it...and express it...and let it do what it needs to do....constructively. I'm ready to be angry until it feels good...and that's when I'll know I've come out on the other side.
Much love...and anger... ;-)
Vanessa...in progress. (VIP)
Saturday, January 1, 2011
New Year's Resolutions
Every year most of us attempt to make resolutions for the new year only to forget about them somewhere along the way because we either give up or just get too busy and distracted to focus on them. I, myself do this year after year. And as disheartening as it may be to get to the end of yet another year not having accomplished the majority of the goals I had outlined for myself, I never give up hope and continue to re-up every year and try again. I'm relentless and persistent...and I guess that's a good thing!
But, this year I've decided to change things up a bit. I'm still going to make resolutions...because...you just sort of have to...its tradition! But I'm going to try and make them a little bit different this time. Instead of a long list of goals that I want to acheive...I've decided to instead make resolutions that are about defining a way of traveling through life this coming year. I realized that the results we often desire can only really come when you change your way of being and thinking. So instead of focusing on the end results that I want to see, I figure that it would be better to focus on the things I need to change on the inside so that I'm where I need to be mentally, spiritually, and emotionally....and that's when I will be truly ready to receive the things that I want...and that is when they will be mine.
So...with all of that said...my resolutions this year are:
1) Truth - To live my life from a place of truth and honesty...first and foremost with myself...but also in how I interact with others.
2) Love - To love myself...to love others...to see others actions and words from a place of love...to surround myself with love...and to welcome love in all forms into my life.
3) Kindness - To be kind to myself...because I have often forgotten to do just that...and then...starting from that place...I can begin to extend that kindness to those around me.
4) Time - To take my time...stop rushing...learn to sit with my thoughts and my feelings...enjoy the ride with all its ups and downs and detours...and not be in such a hurry to get to the finish line.
5) Fun - To enjoy every day...find the enjoyment and laughter in everything I do...and celebrate each moment for the gift that it is.
6) Motherhood - To realize every moment of every day how blessed I am to be the mother of the most amazing little girl...and to strive each day to do the best job I can of being her mother...to be a good role model for her...and make sure she knows that she is loved and that her dreams and opportunities in life are limitless.
7) Work - To up the level of focus, dedication and excellence in my work...in the big tasks...and the small...and to always remember the greater purpose in the work that I do.
8) Goals - To make sure that I have clear and defined goals that I'm working towards and that I stay focused on them...but at the same time...to not to let the acheivement of those goals overshadow my ability to enjoy the journey on my way to them.
9) Trust - To trust myself and remember that I am capable of making good choices. If I am living my other resolutions of truth, love, kindness, time, etc...then I will be in the space I need to be able to make good decisions for me and those I love...and I need to do a better job of trusting myself in that process.
10) Faith - To bring faith back into my life. To once again believe in something divine...whatever it might be. To have faith that good things can and will happen to me. And to believe that I am worthy of having those things.
I know that keeping these concepts and thoughts front of mind...day to day...moment to moment...will not be easy. I know that I will constantly have to remind myself...reposition myself...forgive myself for the slip ups...etc. But that's ok. Again...its about the journey...and what matters is that I'm moving forward and in the right direction and doing the best job that I can do from moment to moment...and then when there is a slip up...that I acknowledge it...forgive myself...let it go...and get back to my journey. And while I'm on the journey...to stay open to all the good things life has coming my way.
So...as we all start out on our 2011 journeys...I wish everyone a healthy and happy new year...and may all your dreams and wishes come true.
Much love...
Vanessa...in progress. (VIP)
But, this year I've decided to change things up a bit. I'm still going to make resolutions...because...you just sort of have to...its tradition! But I'm going to try and make them a little bit different this time. Instead of a long list of goals that I want to acheive...I've decided to instead make resolutions that are about defining a way of traveling through life this coming year. I realized that the results we often desire can only really come when you change your way of being and thinking. So instead of focusing on the end results that I want to see, I figure that it would be better to focus on the things I need to change on the inside so that I'm where I need to be mentally, spiritually, and emotionally....and that's when I will be truly ready to receive the things that I want...and that is when they will be mine.
So...with all of that said...my resolutions this year are:
1) Truth - To live my life from a place of truth and honesty...first and foremost with myself...but also in how I interact with others.
2) Love - To love myself...to love others...to see others actions and words from a place of love...to surround myself with love...and to welcome love in all forms into my life.
3) Kindness - To be kind to myself...because I have often forgotten to do just that...and then...starting from that place...I can begin to extend that kindness to those around me.
4) Time - To take my time...stop rushing...learn to sit with my thoughts and my feelings...enjoy the ride with all its ups and downs and detours...and not be in such a hurry to get to the finish line.
5) Fun - To enjoy every day...find the enjoyment and laughter in everything I do...and celebrate each moment for the gift that it is.
6) Motherhood - To realize every moment of every day how blessed I am to be the mother of the most amazing little girl...and to strive each day to do the best job I can of being her mother...to be a good role model for her...and make sure she knows that she is loved and that her dreams and opportunities in life are limitless.
7) Work - To up the level of focus, dedication and excellence in my work...in the big tasks...and the small...and to always remember the greater purpose in the work that I do.
8) Goals - To make sure that I have clear and defined goals that I'm working towards and that I stay focused on them...but at the same time...to not to let the acheivement of those goals overshadow my ability to enjoy the journey on my way to them.
9) Trust - To trust myself and remember that I am capable of making good choices. If I am living my other resolutions of truth, love, kindness, time, etc...then I will be in the space I need to be able to make good decisions for me and those I love...and I need to do a better job of trusting myself in that process.
10) Faith - To bring faith back into my life. To once again believe in something divine...whatever it might be. To have faith that good things can and will happen to me. And to believe that I am worthy of having those things.
I know that keeping these concepts and thoughts front of mind...day to day...moment to moment...will not be easy. I know that I will constantly have to remind myself...reposition myself...forgive myself for the slip ups...etc. But that's ok. Again...its about the journey...and what matters is that I'm moving forward and in the right direction and doing the best job that I can do from moment to moment...and then when there is a slip up...that I acknowledge it...forgive myself...let it go...and get back to my journey. And while I'm on the journey...to stay open to all the good things life has coming my way.
So...as we all start out on our 2011 journeys...I wish everyone a healthy and happy new year...and may all your dreams and wishes come true.
Much love...
Vanessa...in progress. (VIP)
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