Living Out Loud...

I've always been a bit LOUD.  Not only am I literally LOUD but I guess you can kind of say that I've always lived out LOUD meaning that I have always lived my life very out in the open for all to see. Throughout the years I've encountered people that enjoy and are entertained by my 'loudness'. And I've also encountered those that are put off by it and just don't get it. I never really gave any of it much thought. I was just living. It was just who I was. But recently, I had reason to stop and think about it. So I did.

Starting on the assumption that my way was the only correct and logical way to be (because isn't that what we all think?) I began to wonder how anyone could NOT appreciate it.  Isn't it fun? Isn't it funny? Isn't it amusing? Isn't it entertaining? Etc. But I guess it isn't, not to everyone. Why?

I began to think about some of the things I know they think to themselves (or have said to me). The most basic complaint is that I'm disturbing the quiet. OK.  I get that. And I guess I'm kind of sorry. It's not my intention. But sometimes the quiet disturbs my need to be loud. So, I guess we'll have to compromise on that one.

Another question I often get is "Why do you want everyone to know your business? Don't you like for some things to be private?" I had to think hard about that one. For as much as I share there are still a few (very few) things that I do keep all to myself.  But yes, for the most part I put myself on blast. I guess I do this for a few reasons. Part of it is really just natural. As I said, I've just sort of always been this way. I dont have that little flag that goes up as your talking and tells you, "Hey, this may be something you want to keep to yourself...TMI!" But I guess at another level I share because I want others to know who I am. I want them to know I'm real. I want them to know what makes me tick. I want them to know my stories. And in sharing my stories with them my hope is always that it helps them to open up and share their stories with me. And if they don't feel comfortable sharing, to at least know enough about me that they feel they can connect with me on a deeper level.

You see, I've never been much for superficial connections. And I just feel that until you can get down into the depths of who a person is and understand who they are and know their stories you can never really connect with them at that level.  And that's really what I want. I want us to connect. I want you to understand me and I want to understand you. And from that place of understanding I hope that something new and beautiful can grow. Even if all we ever have is one conversation but that conversation was deep and meaningful, then it meant something to me and will stay with me forever. And I'm sure that in some way it changed me. Some of my favorite memories are of long, deep conversations with people I only met once.  I recall those exchanges with love and appreciation and know that I grew from them ins some way.

Beyond that I also share because I feel that is how we learn.  I have learned so much about life, how to be happy, and how to relate to other people from learning about other people's experiences. And I guess that in some way I hope that when I share my story someone will see themselves in my stories and that they will feel connected and maybe, just maybe they will learn something that helps them grow.

And lastly, I guess the other reason I share so much is because...well why the hell not?!?!?!?! I have nothing to hide. I'm not concerned with being judged. And no one can hurt me with information that I've chosen to share. So...I'm just gonna keep right on sharing.

Now, another comment I've heard is that I want/need attention. Ummm, why yes...yes I do. I think we all do in some way. And this is my way.  I don't want attention in the sense that I will shrivel up and die if I dont get it. Or I dont feel worthy without it.  I just like it.  It's how I connect. It's how I interact. And so I'm not sharing from a place of neediness. I'm sharing from a place of love and the attention is just a nice perk. So there!

A few years ago, I decided to start this blog and that would require sharing at a whole other level. I chose to start this blog for 2 main reasons: 1) because writing for me is cathartic, 2) I was looking for some like minded people. Life had taken some twists and turns and as a result I had become less open and felt the need more and more to put up a facade as though everything was perfect. And as a result of that I had surrounded myself with people that were also not open and that hightened the need to keep up appearances to keep myself in favor with everyone. I felt like I was dying a slow death. I was suffocating. And one day I knew that I just couldn't do it anymore. I knew I had to step out and tell my truth and if it cost me every friend and relationship I had well then that was just how it was going to have to be. But I could not hide my truth anymore. The truth being that I was not perfect. That I didnt have it all together. That I have crazy thoughts sometimes. That I make mistakes all the time. That I am a work in progress and that I know you are too. And that I am no longer afraid and no longer feel the need to hide behind this mask of fake perfection. And not only do I no longer feel the need to hide any of this but I embrace it. I'm crazy as hell and its all good.

Writing for me is like talking. It's an outlet. It helps me to sort out the thoughts that get all jumbled in my head and TRY to make some kind of sense out of them. So when I decided to 'step out' and figure this all out I first thought of journaling....privately. But then someone mentioned blogging to me. And I thought...hmmm.  And that's when I realized.  I think some of us are made like this for a reason. There are some of us that are made in a way where we have no reservations about sharing and bearing our soul for the world to see. And I think for that for those of us that have this 'gift' it is almost our duty to use our lives as examples for those that may be struggling and not have an outlet of their own or not have someone to talk to.  And so the blog was born. I named the blog very appropriately I think. I had no idea at the time what was going to come out of my mouth...err...fingers.  But I knew whatever it was it would be truth, imperfect, and subject to change as I learn and grow. That I would never have it figured it. That I would always be happily in progress. And that I just hoped that as I wrote I could find some answers for myself. And that as some poeple read that they might find some answers for themselves.

So...for those of you who have read and appreciated the openness and the sharing, I thank you. And if even one of you have ever connected with any of it and learned anything from it then it is all worth it.  And even if you havent learned from it or connected in any deep kind of way but were somehow entertained by it, then it was still worth it.

And to those of you who think I'm crazy and needy and don't get it....I say...then why are you reading this?  No...just kidding...you are welcome to. But please know, that yes I am crazy. And in some sense needy. And even if you don't get it you are welcome to stay and I love you all the same.

Much love,

Vanessa...in progress. (VIP)

It's 2013! So Now What?

I originally intended to do my first blog post of the year on the 1st. But, I wasn't quite ready yet. Ready for what...I'm not sure. But I felt like I had still needed time to think about how I felt about this coming year.

2012 was everything a year is supposed to be. There were betrayals and tragedies...blessings and surprises...good news and bad news...the ending of relationships and the starting (or restarting) of news ones...setbacks and moving forward.  There were lessons, tears, laughter, and growth.  It was perfect!

In the past, if I had a year like that I would have been miserable. I would have drowned myself in the misery of the 'bad' stuff and never fully enjoyed the good stuff because I would be waiting for the other shoe to drop. And in the end I would have proclaimed it a bad year and been eager to put it to bed and move on to a new year where maybe, just maybe, things might get a little bit better.  But...that's not the place I'm in anymore.

The past few years I've been undergoing a transformation of sorts.  Sometimes the lessons and changes are very slow and laborious. At other times they are sudden burts of big giant blow your hair back kind of changes.  All leading me towards what I believe is a better version of myself....a version of myself that is more in line with the essense of who I truly am and who I was always meant to be...a version of myself that I had strayed away from for a very long time.

I dont regret the straying. There were plenty of good times and hard lessons during those years. And while I would definitely try to make better choices if I could go back and do it all again, I don't regret or look back on any of it negatively. After all, it all lead me here...to the place I am in this moment. And I don't know if I could or would appreciate this place so much if I hadnt had the 'darker' years.

So, here I am...transformed and still transforming (or shall I say, in progress.) And from this place I can tell you that I'm a little worn out by the ups and downs, I'm feeling extremely appreciative for the good stuff, and I'm excited and hopeful about the future. And the difference is all in my perspective. See, I've learned and finally come to understand that life isnt good when good things are happening and bad when bad things are happening. It's all just life. All of it makes up life. And it is up to each of us to decide how we show up to the events in our lives, how we work through them, what we bring to them, what we learn from them, and what meaning we give to them. And I have chosen to try to try my best to show up to all of these things in an effort to bring love and serve as best I can. I have chosen to try to travel through it all with love, understanding and accepting that there is a bigger picture that I can't always see. I have chosen to find the silver lining in every cloud, try to learn as much as I can from every experience and to give a positive and empowering meaning to everything that happens.I have chosen to become more aware of the fact that ever day, every moment is a gift no matter what it is filled with and that the ability to even experience good or bad means that I am alive and I am here and that there is life for me to live. And that has made all the difference in the quality of my life.

I needed a few extra days to to step back and gain that perspective and really understand this change. I needed time to contemplate all that was 2012, where I am in this moment , and what I want and hope for 2013.  There is always so much hype and activity around the celebrating of the holidays that I often don't get the chance to just stop and think and consider things. So when the celebrating had died down a little...I just took some time...and thought...and as always...in the stillness there was clarity. And I am thankful for the clarity. And I am thankful for all that was 2012.

There are no resolutions this year....but I have 2 hopes that I believe would contain within them any resolutions that I may have made for myself.

The first hope is that as I move forward and continue to tranform...that I can bring some alignment to all of the various aspects of my life.  I have areas of my life where I feel like I'm in a good place and moving forward and all is well. And I have areas of my life where I am struggling and need help. And then there is that essense of me that I mentioned earlier. When I look deeper at the places where things are well and the areas where things aren't well, the problem becomes clear to me. Those things that go well are usually those where I am able and aware enough to bring my true self to the table complete with all my lessons and growth. And those areas where I still struggle are those that for some reason I am not yet able to bring myself fully to the table. So as I said, my hope is to be able to bring more alignment into my life. So that in everything I do and everywhere I go I am always bringing ME as fully and completely as I can. And I believe that when I am able to master always making my top priority the bringing of me into every moment that all of the other pieces will begin to fall into place...almost effortlessly.

The second hope is that I learn to be more loving and better able to serve. I have seen with my own eyes and my own life how different and how much better everything is when there is love. And while I do my best to be loving I know that I fall short regularly. I don't expert to ever get it perfect. But I do hope that on some level I can just improve in this area and be better able to bring love into every situation and moment...especially those where it is the hardest to do so...because those are the ones that need it the most.  Along with that...because I believe they go hand in hand...is the hope that I can be of better service to the world. Sometimes we can serve by simply bringing love and I will try to do that. But where it is within my power and ability to bring more, to make life better, to leave a situation or person better than I found them, I hope that I am aware enough...humble enough...strong enough...brave enough and loving enough to do what needs to be done.

After all, I do believe this is why we are all here. I believe we are here so that we can wake up each day and fully appreciate the gradiosity that is life...that we can be in awe of our existence and ability to sift through all that life has to offer and try to make the best of it all...that we do our best to be aware and fully present in each moment accepting and appreciating all that life brings with it while understanding that it is all necessary and important...and to understand our capacity and ability to love and bring it to everything we do...and that while we are here enjoying our existence and living life to the fullest that we are also serving...making things better...helping one another...and contributing to this thing called life.

This is where I'm at and what I hope for 2013. How about you?

Much love...

Vanessa...in progress. (VIP)