And then there was Cancer...

I'm sure we have all been there. Or know someone who has been there. 

You're just going along, living your life, thinking we have all the time in the world to figure it all out. And then suddenly...there is Cancer. You or someone you love finds out that they have Cancer. And life is never the same again.

I have known many people that have died of cancer. Many of them were old when they were diagnosed so even though it was a shock, unexpected, tragic and difficult there is still a sense of 'they lived a good life' which helps you cope with everything a bit better. I have also known many people who have survived cancer. Mainly, breast cancer. And while the battle wasn't easy and some are still in the midst of the battle there is a light at the end of the tunnel for them.

But never have I been hit by cancer as hard as it has hit me this time. As many of you know a few weeks ago a very dear cousin of mine (44 year old non-smoker) was diagnosed with Stage 4 Lung Cancer (Non-Small Cell Adenocarcinoma). Look it up.  It's pretty serious stuff and the outlook is not good.

Now, before I continue I just want to say that I am very well aware that this illness is about HIM and his family and not about me. But because I cannot even begin to understand what this feels like from their perspective nor can I speak for him or his family I am sharing MY story, from my perspective as someone that loves him and cares about him and his family very much.

When I heard the news I was in shock...devastated...confused....sad....scared...worried...etc. I didn't even know what to feel. The same thoughts kept running through my mind - it can't be, he's too young, how can this happen, what does this mean, what is he going to do, etc.  And then came that other thought. The one I didnt want to think.  The thought of - what do I do?

The fact of the matter is I hadn't really seen or talked to my cousin in a long time. I loved him dearly and he has always been one of my favorite people in the whole world. But as life took its turns and I got all wrapped up in the dramas of my life, time went by and we lost touch. And so here we were...in this situation. And how can I reach out to him now when I havent talked to him in so long? How can I step in and be there for him when I havent been there all this time? I was so angry at myself and consumed with guilt.

I have lost a lot of people in my life starting at a very young age. And for as bad as that is it had always taught me a very important thing - we dont know how long we have with the people we love so always show the people you love that they are important to you.  And I have always tried my best to do just that.  But somewhere along the way I got lost and forgot it. Somewhere along the way I got sidetracked by the events of my life and seperated myself from many of the things and people that were important to me. I kind of know why it happened and I could sit here and make a million excuses for it. And they are good excuses. But still excuses. The fact is I let myself lose sight of what was important and put my energy into things that weren't.  And here....now....when confronted with the reality of this situation that reality is hitting me like a ton of bricks. So now...not only do I have to deal with my feelings about what my cousin is going through but I also have to deal with my own feelings of guilt for not having let him know all this time how important he was to me.

My philosphy has always been that the only way to undo a wrong is to replace it with a right. I couldnt go back and redo the time I had lost with him but I could start now and make sure he knew how much I love him...how much I have always loved him...and how much I will always love him. So I did just that. I'll never forget that first day I went to see him at the hospital. I was excited to see him but also scared. Scared because I wasnt sure what his state of mind was and what attitude he had about his illness. I was also scared because of my guilt. I felt that maybe he and his family would wonder why I was there. Why now? But regardless, I knew going was the right thing and so I went.

INSTANTLY I was reminded why I loved him so much and why he has always been one of my favorite people. First of all, there he was...laying down in pain dealing with this illness...and cracking jokes...being positive...and telling me how much he loved me and how happy he was that I was there. In an instant I was reminded what a beautiful, positive person he is and that we had a special connection that transcended whatever amount of time might have passed since we last saw each other.  I went to visit him that day trying to figure out how I was going to help lift his spirits and within minutes he had lifted mine. He's that awesome.

Since that day a lot has happened. My cousin is a warrior. He knows the road ahead is long and difficult but he has vowed to fight with everything in him every step of the way and to appreciate every day to the fullest extent. He is an such an inspiration and I am lucky to be a part of his family and honored to be able to support him along his journey. And I truly believe that if there is anyone on the face of the earth that can beat Cancer it's this guy. I put ALL my money on him.

But this blog isnt really about his cancer.  That journey has just begun and there will be alot to say down the line as we continue down the road of treatment and healing. This blog isnt really about my issues of guilt either.  The point is what the combination of those two things has given me and what I hope I can pass on to you through this blog.

You see, I'm not the kind of person that necessarily believes that everything happens for a reason. I think sometimes crappy stuff just happens. But I do believe that there is something to be learned in everything that happens. And when we fail to learn the lesson we dishonor what happened. I have thought long and hard about what I have learned and am still learning through this. And the learning is still in progress (as are we) but here is where I am:

• The small stuff doesnt matter. It never matters. It REALLY doesnt matter. So just let it go. I know it is not always easy and I'm not always going to get it right. But one of my new daily practices is to do a better job of putting life in its proper perspective and just not letting myself get stuck in the small stuff. Life is bigger than that.
• Focus on what is important. This of course is the opposite of the previous thought. Basically, we often don't have time for what is important to us because we are focused on the 'oh so not important in the grand scheme of life' things. And that's just not right. We have to make sure we give the proper attention to the proper things.
• Don't waste your time and life on people that don't matter or make you feel good. I can't even begin to tell you how much time and energy I have wasted on people that weren't worthy of me. There is absolutely no reason to every allow this to happen. So just don't.
• Show people that you love them NOW! I so wish that instead of wasting time on people that didnt matter I had been investing that time in my cousin and others I love. Make sure your energy is invested where your love is.
• Tomorrow is not promised to anyone so life fully NOW.  Don't wait until you have enough money, loose enough weight, or whatever other thing you are waiting for.  Live each moment to the fullest NOW! Now is all we have.
• In order to live life to the fullest you must express yourself fully. For so long I held back on fully expressing myself for fear of what some people might think (you know those people who I now realize don't really matter). But with everything that has happened with my cousin I've just realized that I really dont care what anyone thinks. I want to make sure that I don't reach the end of my life feeling like I left anything unexpressed. I want to have put all my cards on the table and played the hell out of them.
• And last...but not least...just be happy.  We can always find a million things that will annoy us or frustrate us or whatever. Or...we can literally...RIGHT NOW...just CHOOSE...to be happy.  Yes there may be things in our lives that are not perfect...but just be happy anyway.  Little by little start focusing on what you do have and what is good about your life and the more you focus on those things the better things will be.  Trust me. It works.

My cousin is fighting for his life. But he wakes up every day smiling, appreciating the love around him, basking in the beauty of each passing day, and expressing his love to everyone he can. The truth is he has always been that kind of guy. He never sweat the small stuff. And he always gave the best of himself to everything and everyone around him. But now, in the midst of his illness, when he would have every right to be angry and discouraged he does just the opposite. He appreciates his life even more. He sweats the small stuff even less. He is my hero. He inspires me so much.  And he has changed me in these past few weeks more than he can even begin to understand.

Please dont wait for something like this to happen in your life for you to take stock of where you are. Are you focused on who and what is important? Do the people you love know you love them? Are you living your life to the fullest? Are you happy? If you have something you need to change, change it now. Don't wait. Please.

And I can't end this blog without leaving you with a personal request. If you believe in prayer, please pray for my cousin. Please pray for everyone who is struggling with an illness. Please pray for everyone that is going through a tough time in their life. Offer your prayers and send them love. It makes a difference.

AND...if you can find it in your heart to give a gift to help my cousin and his family please visit:

www.giveforward.com/erniesarmyofangels

We've built him an Army of  Angels...some that know him and many that don't but have been touched by his story and inspired by his journey. I hope that you choose to be an Angel for Ernie too. 

But either way....thank you for listening to our story.

Much love,

Vanessa...in progress. (VIP)

I Figured Out My Funk!

Those of you that have been following my blog for a while now know that I have talked about being in a FUNK on and off over the past few years. You may also have noticed that I have not had any posts since I wrote about the betrayal incident in January. Well, needless to say I went into another FUNK after that betrayal and it took me a while to get myself to a point of understanding what happened, dealing with it, and moving passed it. While going through that process I kept thinking - "How did I get here...again!?!?!?!" And by here...I mean...the FUNK.

Now, for those that have not been following my blog and may be here for the first time, let me explain what I mean by FUNK. Basically, for me, it’s this state of not necessarily being depressed but not being happy. It feels like not being satisfied with where I am but not knowing where I want to go. I feel like there is something I must do to de-FUNK myself but not having a clue as to what that is. There is never a clear or absolute reason for the FUNK nor is it always clear how and when the FUNK arrived. But there comes a moment when I realize...oh...here it is again. And then it seems that it leaves as quietly as it came. No major event that washed it away. It's just sort of gone. Perhaps sometimes I have some epiphanies during the FUNK or it does motivate me to do something...anything. So, they are sometimes useful. But most of the time it's just sort of there....and then it isn't. And I'm just left with that same question - "How did I get here...again?!?!"

This time...the question rang even louder…almost to the point of being deafening. I've been doing so much work on myself, reading, praying, meditating, learning, trying to be a better person, being kinder, being more loving, etc. Was it all for nothing? How could I be seemingly putting all this work into being a better person and yet end up betrayed and back in a funk. Was I that off the mark? Was I kidding myself? Should I just throw in the towel? WHAT THE FUNK!?!?!?!?

But...anyone who knows me...knows...that while I always like to have my overly dramatic outburst (see paragraph above) that I NEVER throw in the towel and I always follow up my tirade with action never giving up hope that this time will be THE time that I figure it all out.

I've been so FUNK-focused since January that I haven’t even been able to write. I didn’t know what to say. Surely there were many things that have happened that I could have shared but I just couldn’t bring myself to write. Usually when I write, whether it’s good or not, interesting or not, it’s all real and from the heart. And I just couldn’t get to that place of sharing what was real and loving inside me...because I was so lost in my FUNK.

So...I quietly toiled away at trying to figure it all out for myself...sometimes actively thinking it through and sometimes temporarily forgetting all about it only to inevitably come back to it later.

And then it just hit me! I'm driving in my car...listening to an audiobook...when something I hear in the book just smacks me across the face! OMG! It's been so obvious for so long. How did I miss it. How could I not see it. I've read it a million times in a million different books. I've heard it a million times in a million different ways from a million different people. It's just so painfully obvious its almost embarrassing to admit that I hadn’t yet figured it out.

I kept finding myself in a FUNK because I had disconnected from myself.

That's it, Vanessa? That's your big epiphany!?!?

YES!

It may sound simple...and I guess in many ways IT IS SIMPLE! But I think that it’s SO simple and I had heard it philosophically and theoretically so many times that it had become a sort of cliché. It was a familiar statement that you sort of knew what it meant but didn’t REALLY know what it meant and it didn’t apply to you anyway so...whatever. I mean...disconnected from myself? What does that mean? I'm here. This is my body. I'm in it. So...I'm not disconnected. I'm introspective. I'm constantly self-examining. I'm always trying to better understand myself. If there is anyone that is CONNECTED to herself…IT'S ME! Or so I thought...

NOW...I know what it means! NOW...I get it! NOW...I understand! And NOW...I see how disconnected I have been despite all my attempts to be connected.

What I've realized is that all that reading...all that introspection...all that self-examination was not a waste. It was necessary for me to lay the foundation for myself so that I could one day be ready to TRULY understand and accept the idea that I was actually disconnected. This was no longer some abstract philosophical or theoretical concept. It was real! I got it! I got it deep within my soul...finally! I figured out my FUNK!

I will try my best to explain to you what I mean by being disconnected but I'm sure many of you will just hear it at words and will probably react like I did at first - That's it, Vanessa? That's your big epiphany!?!?! I'm sure many of you will react as I did whenever I heard or read it somewhere - yeah...whatever. And you should react that way. Because what I know now is that until you can FEEL that disconnect inside of you cannot KNOW it.

My disconnection was about how far I had moved away from the core of who I was. There was once this little girl named Vanessa who was amped about life and believed anything was possible. She wanted to take the world by storm. She wanted every day to be a celebration. She couldn’t get enough out of life or give enough of herself to it. She was awesome!

And then life happened...again...and again. In so many ways I believed life was telling me...literally or metaphorically...that the dreams weren't possible...that you couldn't celebrate everyday...that’s impossible. I came to believe that this was all there was and I just had to make the best of it and arrive as safely and intact at the end of my life as I possibly could trying to just be the best person I can be. And the 'glory' came in being able to say "I made it!" at the end of it all. To be able to say that I survived all the trials and tribulations and they didn’t break me would be my claim to fame.

Well who wouldn't be in a FUNK with that thinking!?!?!?!?

The reality is you can let go of those dreams and desires intellectually. But your heart, your soul, your spirit, your being...NEVER lets go of them. Every moment of every day they all collectively try calling you back to yourself...back to your dreams...back to the things that drive you and inspire you and need you just like you need them. No matter how much you might try to just forget about them because you think life has told you they are not possible you can never forget about them inside of yourself. Those dreams and desires must be tended to...and nurtured...and nourished...so that they can be born through you. If not...you will forever be FUNKEDIFIED!

So here I was thinking I was doing a great job at becoming a better person. Learning to be more serene and still. Learning to be a better person. Learning to be kinder and more loving. Learning, learning, learning. Important...but...boring, boring, boring. And inside I was SCREAMINGGGGGGGGGGGGGGG the whole time trying to get my own attention but I had learned through many bumps and bruises to just ignore that noise inside myself.

But now...since I was learning...that voice inside was becoming harder and harder to ignore. It was reaching a fever pitch that manifested itself into a deafening FUNK.

All this time I had tried to ignore the FUNK by distracting myself with so many things (that in most cases I knew weren't right for me) but I distracted myself anyway because in those moments the familiarity of distraction felt safer than the fear of the unknown that was sure to come if I allowed myself to hear myself and open myself back up to the possibilities.

But I hear you now. I'm not afraid. I'm open. So...speak to me, Vanessa...I'm listening! I will not ignore you anymore. Let's do this!

Much love,

Vanessa...in progress. (VIP)

P.S. If you enjoyed this post please consider sharing it. Thank you.

Nothing like a little betrayal to start the year!

As always, we start every new year full of hope and excitement about what the year will bring. I ended 2011 on a really strong and upbeat note and felt sure that I would transition into 2012 on the same note. I was certain that 2012 would be an amazing year.

Then, before the first month of the year was even over I was hit with the revelation that I had been betrayed in such a sick, demented, and disturbing way that I am still unable to even process what happened.

I am not going to share the details of what occurred. This is out of respect for the betrayer (because their dysfunction does not mean that I have to lower myself by attacking them) and out of respect for my need to fully process this before I can share it openly in a way that is constructive and helpful and not about just gossiping.

But I do feel the need to share certain things that I have learned at this point. Please keep in mind that it is less than one week since I found out about this betrayal so I am still processing and I'm sure there are many other lessons that I will learn down the line. But, from where I stand today there are some clear, solid lessons that I feel compelled to express for my own healing. And so that I can move forward.

So here is what I've learned:

There are some seriously damaged people in the world. I guess I always knew this to be true. Trust me, I have unfortunately had the opportunity to know many troubled people. However, I don't think I ever understood JUST how damaged a person could actually be, especially when they appear to be so normal. And not only can they appear normal, but they can also convincingly appear to be your best friend and greatest advocate. So, what I've learned through this is that anyone is capable of anything and while I will never go around assuming the worst of people, I do think it helps to know and understand just how damaged a person can be because it helps in detecting it when necessary.

Crazy people make you feel crazy. A good friend told me this a long time ago and while I did experience that to be true at times, never have I realized it so powerfully than now. The reality is that if through most of your life you feel pretty normal, and most of your interactions with people feel pretty normal, but there is that ONE person that whenever you interact with them it makes you feel a little crazy and/or takes you out of character, that is a red flag. And feeling 'crazy' can take several different forms. It can be something as simple as interactions with that person always making you question what you know to be true and making you doubt yourself. When you finally do realize that there is that one person that keeps making you feel a little crazy do what you have to do to remove them from your life. If it is someone you love, it is ok to still love them, but sometimes the best way to love yourself and someone else is to love them from afar.

Sometimes intution speaks softly. When I discovered what had occurred and the severity of the betrayal I was upset with myself for not realizing it sooner. And then as I began to process it I realized that I did see the signs. My intuition was speaking to me, but in whispers. I remember clearly moments where something just didnt sit right with me. And it was in those moments where I felt like I was 'crazy' for having such crazy thoughts. I, being a relatively healthy and sane person could not grasp that these 'crazy' thoughts I was having could possible be true, so I assumed that I was the crazy one. Several times it even made me behave in a crazy way which would make me feel disappointed in myself afterwards. But, again, despite all of this I kept 'ignoring' my quiet instincts because I could not accept that what they were telling me could be possible. Learn to listen closely to your instincts. They will never fail you.

I have definitely grown and changed. There was a time not long ago that this would have broken me. It would have sent me into a serious depression, made me close up and disconnect from the world, stop trusting people, and build a wall around me to never let anyone in again. Not this time. I'm not going to lie, this has greatly impact me and shaken me. I have definitely been grieving. But,I have gone through it all with tremendous grace and peace that it even surprises me. I know that this is because of many things. But basically, it is because through the past couple of years I have reconnected with my faith and centered myself. Because of that I have ebeen able to see this situation through different eyes and that has made a drastic difference in how I have been able to deal with this. And instead of letting it break me or tear me down, I've been able to process all of the negative associated with this and transform it into positive energy that I am using to propel me forward.

Take the high road. Again, I know how much I have changed because years ago this whole thing would have gotten very ugly. I would have declared an all out war against the person that harmed me and I would have fought that war until I was victorious. But again, not this time. I have processed it all through LOVE. And that's why I can stand here and still feel love for this person. As a matter of fact they have made me out to be the villain in all of this, as damaged people will often do. I think that damaged people are so damaged that they themselves cannot accept and process their disturbing behavior. And so, when confronted with what they have done must turn it around and make you the bad guy. They have to make you be the crazy one and cut you out of their world in order to maintain the facade to the other people in their life. I'm ok with that. I've chosen to take the high road. I could be GOING OFF on this person right now and retaliating and causing a lot of damage in their life and NO ONE would blame me for doing so because they would understand. But I'm just not going to go there. Not because they deserve my compassion, but because I deserve to take the high road for myself. Allowing myself to lower myself and behave in that way will not change what has occurred but it will keep me in the negative energy that surrounds this situation. Instead I'm choosing to cut off all of the negativity and to cut my losses and lift myself up and out of it with my head held high. I am strong enough and willing to be the villain in this if that is what they need me to be. I can do that because I know that I will move forward, heal, and my life will continue to evolve and I will be good. And I know that they will not. I do not feel good about that. It hurts me to know how troubled they are. But I also know that it is not my problem. I wish this person well. I hope they find healing for themselves. As for me, I'll be ok. There is no doubt in my mind.

It's all about perspective. I started this year believing that 2012 was going to be the best year ever. And it is. I am not going to focus on this because as bad as it is, it is temporary and years from now it will have just been a moment in time. It does not define me. And it will not dictate the direction of my life. I am making a choice to focus on the positive. I am focused on the aspects of all of it that I am thankful for - my friends that helped me through it, the fact that I discovered it before it got worse, the fact that I am free of it and now have more time and energy to dedicate to the other more important things in my life. My life is fantastic and full of many awesome and amazing things. I am a good (not perfect) person who is always striving to be better. And this, as horrible as it is, is insignificant in the grand scheme of my life and life in general. 2012 is still a great year and great things are on their way. As a matter of fact, they are already here.

I have some real angels in my life. I cannot end this blog without acknowledging the amazing friends I have in my life. I know that I have changed and I do give myself props for handling this more gracefully than I would have in the past. But, I have to keep it real. I know that a MAJOR reason why I did not completely lose my mind because of a small group of friends who stayed with me as I went through this. During a time of shock and disbelief and questioning everything, they were my rocks and my reality. They kept me grounded and were my safe place to fall as I went through all of it. And out of the many positive things I'm pulling out of this, I am most grateful for the opportunity that this has given me to remind me what amazing people I have in my life. Every once in a while a negative person might creep in but they will never be able to stay for long because there is too much light and goodness in my life. And negative people cannot survive in that light and goodness.

As I said before, I'm barely a week into this, and so I'm sure that as I continue to move forward I will have many more realizations, lessons, etc. And perhaps at some point when I'm far enough away from this I will be able to share it in all its detail. But for now, what is important to know is that I cannot and will not be broken. And more importantly, not only will I not be broken, but I will always use every adversity to make me better.

Life is always beautiful. And its when it is darkest that you can see and appreciate the beauty of the stars.

Much love,

Vanessa...in progress.(VIP)