Friends have always been a very important part of my life. I was never very trusting of people and it took a lot for me to let someone in to my inner circle. But...once they were in I gave them 150% of myself. I was honest, loyal, loving, caring, supportive, etc. And...I expected the same in return. Often, I didnt get it. But...they were my friends. So regardless, I maintained my loyalty to the relationships and continually worked through the rough spots. Many times I felt like I was the only one working.
I have always felt that being a good friend was one of my best qualities. That's not to say that I think I was flawless at it. Looking back on the years, I know that I could be pretty judgmental, demanding, bitchy, crazy, and draining at times. And I'm forever grateful to those friends of mine that stuck through all of that. I dont know what I would have done without them. But, I also know what I gave to them. As I said before, I was beyond loyal. I went out of my way to celebrate them and give them love. During rough times, I tried my best to be there for them and support them. And as the years passed, and we got older, I made a point of reaching out to them and maintaining the relationship. I know that there are many important friendships in my life that would not exist today if I were not the one to continually reach out.
Many of my friendships have been great, with the occassional rough spot here and there...as is to be expected in relationships. But many of them have been difficult and draining. But, my philosphy at the time was that once you were in my inner circle you were there for life no matter what. And of course, this has caused a lot of unnecessary drama and difficulty in my life throughout the years.
I think its really only been in this last year of major transition that I've really figured out that it doesnt have to be like that...nor should it. I've realized that all that energy and focus that I was putting on giving unconditional love and support to my 'friends' and maintaining those relationships was better spent on giving those things to MYSELF. I realized that I had to first fill my cup before I could fill anyone else's. I realized that in order for me to REALLY be as good of a friend as I wanted to be...a friend without the demands and judgements...among other things...I needed to first fully be me. And so I turned the focus and energy inward and began to restructure my life.
And...then...an incredible thing happened. The more I learned to REALLY love and accept myself...and fully step in to who I am...the clearer I was able to see the different relationships in my life. It became extremely clear which relationships nurtured me...strengthened me...lifted me up...supported me...and brought out the best in me. It became EXTREMELY clear which relationships drained me...weakened me...brought me down...made me question myself...and prevented me from growing and being ME. And it became extremely clear that those negative relationships were standing in the way of me being happy.
The problem was that the 'old' Vanessa either liked you or hated you. There was no in between. So what should I do now that I felt I needed to sever some of these relationships but at the same time felt some inner conflict about letting them go because we had shared some good times through the years...and I had always believed we would be friends to the end...no matter what.
Long story short...I've learned that the most important thing is to be a good friend to yourself and that nothing and noone should interefere with that. Those that bring positive energy to your life...make you feel good...encourage you to be the best that you can be...and leave you feeling energized and happy...are the realtionships that you need to keep close to you and share the best of yourself with. Those that can't see and appreciate all that you are...bring negative energy into your life...and leave you feeling depleted and down...need to be kept at a healthy distance. Sometimes its not possible to completely delete them from your lives because of the surrounding circumstances. But you can keep them at a healthy distance while still sending them love and appreciating the place they once had in your life.
At the end of the day the way you treat yourself...and the people and energy that you allow to surround you will dictate the quality of your life and the level of your happiness. There is no reason to be unhappy. And there is no reason to invest time or energy in people that don't invest in you and lift you up. Besides, you need to save that energy to invest in yourself and the relationships that DO invest back in you and lift you up. And...I promise...once you start doing that...more and more positive people start showing up in your life and the happier and better you become.
So...to everyone that has been a friend at some point in my life...thanks for the good times. To those that I needed to pull away from...I send you love and wish you nothing but the best. And to those that are still around and I now keep close...thank you for helping bring out the best in me!
Much Love...to all...
Vanessa...in progress. (VIP)
