I won't bother with sharing all the details of how I learned these lessons because I dont want to continue to dwell on what happened...I've already done more than enough of that! I prefer to focus on the lessons that this experience has taught me and the gifts it has left me with......so here they go...
LESSON #1) Not all men are assholes... Seriously?!?!?! Who knew?!?!?! Well it's not that I really thought ALL men were assholes. I know several of my friend's husbands and some male friends that seem like pretty terrific guys. I guess it's just that I thought that any guy that I would ever become involved with was bound to be an asshole. Whether it's because of the bad choices I was making or just bad luck...I had resigned myself to believe this was my fate. But, I was recently presently surprised to meet someone that seemed to be a really great and special guy. Whether this change in fate was due to my now making better choices or a sudden stroke of good luck...the reality is I had the pleasure of meeting and getting to know someone I thought was pretty awesome...and that was very refreshing!This has restored my faith and hope in men and helped me to finally allow myself to open up to other experiences. I had been very closed off for a very long time...but I finally feel like I'm ready to move on from the demons of the past and start seeing what's out there again...
LESSON #2)It's important to take it sloooooow right from the beginning...and give ample time for someone to REALLY demonstrate who they truly are, how they really feel about you, what their intentions are, and what they want...before you open yourself up emotionally, allow yourself to be vulnerable and give yourself to them completely. I was used to not letting anyone in...ever...because that was the only way I knew to keep myself safe. What I learned from this most recent experience is that it's ok to venture out...explore...find out what people are about...share some good times...and enjoy yourself. But you should take your time and wait before you REALLY put yourself out there...until you are sure...as sure as anyone ever can be...that the situation and circumstances are right for you...
LESSON #3)Know what it is you are looking for so that you can determine what situations are right for you and which ones aren't. It's not that every situation has to be perfectly suited in order for you to enter into it and enjoy it...but you need to be clear and honest with yourself so that you don't go into a situation hoping it turns into what you want when it clearly isn't going to. If you're willing to enjoy it for what it is without any other expectations...and you can truly be ok with that...that's great....have a blast! But if you are not willing to do that...then you should really just stay focused on giving your time and energy to the situations that are in line with what you want. Even if they don't all end happily ever after...that's fine...but at least you are working towards your goal, not expending unnecessary energy on something that has no chance of bringing you what you want or someone that does not want what you want, and you are not selling yourself short in the process...
LESSON #4) Respect yourself throughout the process...and make sure you are being valued and treated the way you believe you should be. Sometimes we think that as long as we aren't being treated badly that it's all ok. But the reality is, you don't have to be treated badly to be settling for less than you think you deserve. For me, at this point in my life, I'm not necessarily looking for THE ONE...I dont know if I even believe that exists. I'm not even necessarily looking for a long-term serious relationship. I'm just looking to be involved in something that is healthy and honest and open...and fun...and has the possibility of something more...even if that something more never actually comes. I want to be in something that adds to my already full life and makes me feel good. I want something that allows me to be authentically me...allows me to give the best of who I am...and gives me the things that I need/want in return. Now...I realize that I may need/want a lot of things...and thats not easy for just anyone to give...but regardless...I feel that I deserve and am worth those things...and worth someone maybe pushing passed their comfort zone and putting in the effort and time...for me. And so...if you get to a point where you feel that you are not getting the things you need/want....you may need to walk away...or maybe hit the restart button and start over. But, you can't stay in something and be ok with it...if you are not having your needs met and your not feeling valued. What you accept defines what you get. So if its not really what you want...don't accept it. I've regretted staying longer than I should have a million times in my life. I've never regretted respecting and honoring myself enough to walk away from something that was making me uncomfortable...even if its possible I may have walked away too early...and even if what I walked away from wasn't really bad at all. Maybe the"right thing to do"is somehwere in between those extremes..but for me...for right now...I am just not able to sit with that level of discomfort for very long...and I'm ok with that...for now. I think that as a relationship develops over time...and establishes some roots...the amount of stuff you should be willing to deal with and work through, the amount of time you are willing to hang in there and work things out, and your willingness to compromise...should grow with the relationship. But in the beginning...I feel that we need should be having fun...showing each other how we feel...keeping each other interested....trying to demonstrate to each other that its worth our while to stay involved and engaged...giving each other something to keep working towards...keeping each other excited about what could come next....and make it worth our while to stick it out and 'see what happens'. I dont think that things need to be intense or serious in order for that dynamic to exist...but I do think that it needs to exist on some level...and there needs to be effort made to make sure those messages are being sent. If it's not there...if there is no effort...if it's just sort of whatever...then...to me...there is nothing to hang on to...to get you through the waiting period....nothing makign you want more...nothing to remind me that you still want me there...and so I may decide that I have to go....
LESSON #5) Be who you are and let the pieces fall where they may. I had convinced myself that I didnt 'know' how to do this whole relationship thing. So...in this most recent situation I let myself feel that I was ill-equipped to deal with it and as a result I tried to temper who I was at times andrelied heavily on the advice of others. In a way this was good because it gave me time to think and collect different viewpoints that helped me decide my best course of action. But whatI realized at the end of this process is that I just really have to be me and do what feels right...even if it may be 'wrong' according to the general consensus. I believe the right person willstick through all my craziness and the occassional error in judgement on my part...as I would do for them. What I dont want is to have to pretend to be someone I'm not and be swallowing all my real feelings and emotions in an effort to seem 'normal' and make someone like me. I am a low tolerance, high expectations person. I am prone to extremes and can at times be reactive and emotional. While that might not always be the funnest thing in the world for someone to deal with...it's not even all that fun for me sometimes...I don't think they are the worst attributes in the world...and at some level they even keep life a little exciting and interesting. And...I believe...those traits are also complimented by a long list of awesome and amazing traits that make me worth it in the end. So...the point here is...just be yourself...and the people who belong in your life will be attracted to who you are...and stick around...no matter how crazy it is. And those that don't belong...will leave...which is what you want them to do anyway...so no big loss...
LESSON #6) Regardless of how something ends...you should find the gifts and learn the lessons and use them to create an even better version of yourself. Every situation...even the worst ones...have some gifts that you walk away with and some important lessons for you to learn...about yourself..and about life in general. You can choose to harp on everything that went wrong and be angry or upset that it ended...or you can be grateful for the good stuff..and let go of the rest. In this situation...there wasn't really any bad stuff at all...so I have only good stuff to look back on...so I'm extremely grateful for that. But it also just served as a reminder to me...that in every situation...there are gifts...we just have to find them...
LESSON #7) No matter what...don't take your eyes off your goals, stay focused on the big picture, and keep your priorities straight. We are all on our own individual journeys in this life...and while I think its good and healthy for someone to temporarily throw you for a loop and knock you off course a little bit...anyone worth your time should have that kind of effect on you...the reality is that the RIGHT person will actually be on a parallel journey and so you will end up walking along side eachother as you each continue on your individual life paths. You may need to take some different routes and make some different arrangements than originally anticipated...but as long as the end game is the same...as long as the big picture is in sync...as long as your overall goals are aligned...and as long as walking the rest of the journey side by side enhances and enriches both your lives...then that is was truly matters...so try not to get lost in or overwhelmed by the details...
LESSON #8) I have some truly amazing friends who listen to me ad nauseum...give advice regularly....provide support tirelessly...and love me unconditionally through all of my situations...this one...and the countless others through the years. I am so blessed to have each and every one of them. I am always blown away when life reminds me just how loved I am. I can only hope that in some way they get out of their friendship with me as much as I get out of being friends with them. I'll never be able to adequately thank them and show them how much they are appreciated...but I hope somehow...they know...
As for the particular HIM that prompted these lessons...and inspired this blog post...I just want to say that he was/is pretty awesome...and I am happy and grateful for everything we shared...for the gifts that it left me with..and the critical lessons it taught me. And although I felt the need to walk away at this particular time because I felt that the circumstances as they were at the moment were not valuing me they way I feel I deserve or giving me what I needed....I'm thankful for him...and the fact that we are still friends...and I look forward to continuing to get to know him better...and leaving the door open...for whatever life may bring in the future...
And now that this chapter has closed and a new one has begun...one that I can hopefully navigate better since learning these lessons....it's now time to focus on 2011...what I want for myself...how I'm going to up my game...and how I'm going to make sure that I live every day out loud...to the fullest...and not let anything get in my way!
Much love...
Vanessa...in progress. (VIP)
