As always, we start every new year full of hope and excitement about what the year will bring. I ended 2011 on a really strong and upbeat note and felt sure that I would transition into 2012 on the same note. I was certain that 2012 would be an amazing year.
Then, before the first month of the year was even over I was hit with the revelation that I had been betrayed in such a sick, demented, and disturbing way that I am still unable to even process what happened.
I am not going to share the details of what occurred. This is out of respect for the betrayer (because their dysfunction does not mean that I have to lower myself by attacking them) and out of respect for my need to fully process this before I can share it openly in a way that is constructive and helpful and not about just gossiping.
But I do feel the need to share certain things that I have learned at this point. Please keep in mind that it is less than one week since I found out about this betrayal so I am still processing and I'm sure there are many other lessons that I will learn down the line. But, from where I stand today there are some clear, solid lessons that I feel compelled to express for my own healing. And so that I can move forward.
So here is what I've learned:
There are some seriously damaged people in the world. I guess I always knew this to be true. Trust me, I have unfortunately had the opportunity to know many troubled people. However, I don't think I ever understood JUST how damaged a person could actually be, especially when they appear to be so normal. And not only can they appear normal, but they can also convincingly appear to be your best friend and greatest advocate. So, what I've learned through this is that anyone is capable of anything and while I will never go around assuming the worst of people, I do think it helps to know and understand just how damaged a person can be because it helps in detecting it when necessary.
Crazy people make you feel crazy. A good friend told me this a long time ago and while I did experience that to be true at times, never have I realized it so powerfully than now. The reality is that if through most of your life you feel pretty normal, and most of your interactions with people feel pretty normal, but there is that ONE person that whenever you interact with them it makes you feel a little crazy and/or takes you out of character, that is a red flag. And feeling 'crazy' can take several different forms. It can be something as simple as interactions with that person always making you question what you know to be true and making you doubt yourself. When you finally do realize that there is that one person that keeps making you feel a little crazy do what you have to do to remove them from your life. If it is someone you love, it is ok to still love them, but sometimes the best way to love yourself and someone else is to love them from afar.
Sometimes intution speaks softly. When I discovered what had occurred and the severity of the betrayal I was upset with myself for not realizing it sooner. And then as I began to process it I realized that I did see the signs. My intuition was speaking to me, but in whispers. I remember clearly moments where something just didnt sit right with me. And it was in those moments where I felt like I was 'crazy' for having such crazy thoughts. I, being a relatively healthy and sane person could not grasp that these 'crazy' thoughts I was having could possible be true, so I assumed that I was the crazy one. Several times it even made me behave in a crazy way which would make me feel disappointed in myself afterwards. But, again, despite all of this I kept 'ignoring' my quiet instincts because I could not accept that what they were telling me could be possible. Learn to listen closely to your instincts. They will never fail you.
I have definitely grown and changed. There was a time not long ago that this would have broken me. It would have sent me into a serious depression, made me close up and disconnect from the world, stop trusting people, and build a wall around me to never let anyone in again. Not this time. I'm not going to lie, this has greatly impact me and shaken me. I have definitely been grieving. But,I have gone through it all with tremendous grace and peace that it even surprises me. I know that this is because of many things. But basically, it is because through the past couple of years I have reconnected with my faith and centered myself. Because of that I have ebeen able to see this situation through different eyes and that has made a drastic difference in how I have been able to deal with this. And instead of letting it break me or tear me down, I've been able to process all of the negative associated with this and transform it into positive energy that I am using to propel me forward.
Take the high road. Again, I know how much I have changed because years ago this whole thing would have gotten very ugly. I would have declared an all out war against the person that harmed me and I would have fought that war until I was victorious. But again, not this time. I have processed it all through LOVE. And that's why I can stand here and still feel love for this person. As a matter of fact they have made me out to be the villain in all of this, as damaged people will often do. I think that damaged people are so damaged that they themselves cannot accept and process their disturbing behavior. And so, when confronted with what they have done must turn it around and make you the bad guy. They have to make you be the crazy one and cut you out of their world in order to maintain the facade to the other people in their life. I'm ok with that. I've chosen to take the high road. I could be GOING OFF on this person right now and retaliating and causing a lot of damage in their life and NO ONE would blame me for doing so because they would understand. But I'm just not going to go there. Not because they deserve my compassion, but because I deserve to take the high road for myself. Allowing myself to lower myself and behave in that way will not change what has occurred but it will keep me in the negative energy that surrounds this situation. Instead I'm choosing to cut off all of the negativity and to cut my losses and lift myself up and out of it with my head held high. I am strong enough and willing to be the villain in this if that is what they need me to be. I can do that because I know that I will move forward, heal, and my life will continue to evolve and I will be good. And I know that they will not. I do not feel good about that. It hurts me to know how troubled they are. But I also know that it is not my problem. I wish this person well. I hope they find healing for themselves. As for me, I'll be ok. There is no doubt in my mind.
It's all about perspective. I started this year believing that 2012 was going to be the best year ever. And it is. I am not going to focus on this because as bad as it is, it is temporary and years from now it will have just been a moment in time. It does not define me. And it will not dictate the direction of my life. I am making a choice to focus on the positive. I am focused on the aspects of all of it that I am thankful for - my friends that helped me through it, the fact that I discovered it before it got worse, the fact that I am free of it and now have more time and energy to dedicate to the other more important things in my life. My life is fantastic and full of many awesome and amazing things. I am a good (not perfect) person who is always striving to be better. And this, as horrible as it is, is insignificant in the grand scheme of my life and life in general. 2012 is still a great year and great things are on their way. As a matter of fact, they are already here.
I have some real angels in my life. I cannot end this blog without acknowledging the amazing friends I have in my life. I know that I have changed and I do give myself props for handling this more gracefully than I would have in the past. But, I have to keep it real. I know that a MAJOR reason why I did not completely lose my mind because of a small group of friends who stayed with me as I went through this. During a time of shock and disbelief and questioning everything, they were my rocks and my reality. They kept me grounded and were my safe place to fall as I went through all of it. And out of the many positive things I'm pulling out of this, I am most grateful for the opportunity that this has given me to remind me what amazing people I have in my life. Every once in a while a negative person might creep in but they will never be able to stay for long because there is too much light and goodness in my life. And negative people cannot survive in that light and goodness.
As I said before, I'm barely a week into this, and so I'm sure that as I continue to move forward I will have many more realizations, lessons, etc. And perhaps at some point when I'm far enough away from this I will be able to share it in all its detail. But for now, what is important to know is that I cannot and will not be broken. And more importantly, not only will I not be broken, but I will always use every adversity to make me better.
Life is always beautiful. And its when it is darkest that you can see and appreciate the beauty of the stars.
Much love,
Vanessa...in progress.(VIP)
