For as much transformation as I feel I have gone through since starting this blog over a year ago, every so often I have a setback and feel as though I haven't actually made any progress at all. Intellectually, of course, I know that I have. But in the emotional center of the setback all I can see and feel is where I am in that moment and nothing else that I have accomplished seems to matter.
So here I am, in the emotional center of a setback, yet again. And because I HAVE changed and I HAVE learned a few things on this journey, I know enough that when things start feeling crazy and I'm losing control over my thoughts and feelings, that I need to be still. So, I did that today. I took some time to just quiet my mind, body, and soul. And in that quiet space, there was clarity, as there always is (which makes me wonder why I always wait so long to get still in the first place, but I digress). Of course, I wouldnt say there was clarity about EVERYTHING that I'm dealing with. But there was clarity about one very central issue that I believe does effect everthing else.
What I realized is this...
I just need to LET GO...of EVERYTHING!
The thing is that I HAVE progressed significantly through the past year and a half. I have learned a lot about myself, about life, about others, etc. But as I move forward with each new lesson, I still carry into it all my 'stuff'. And so while there is change and there is improvement, I'm still tethered to my 'stuff' and so there is only so far that I can go and grow.
So...what is my 'stuff'? Well...it's a lot of things.
I have my STORIES - stories about who I was growing up; stories about the things that have happened to me throughout my life; stories about who I am; stories about who I thought I was supposed to grow up to be; etc.
I have my BELIEFS - beliefs about what my role in life is; beliefs about my value; beliefs about what I think I'm worth; beliefs about what I think I deserve; beliefs about who my friends are, etc.
I have my EXPECTATIONS - expectations of my own behavior; expectations of the behavior of family, friends, the world, etc.
I have my JUDGEMENTS - judgements about what is right or wrong; good or bad; acceptable or unacceptable; etc.
The list goes on and on and on...but I think you get the point.
And...what I realized when I allowed myself to be still...was that I am bringing all of this 'stuff' into every situation...consciously and subconsciously. I see everything that happens as it relates to what has happened to me in the past. I see everything from the perspective of who I think I am and the role I'm supposed to play in life. I see everything in the context of whether or not it met my expectations. I see everything as either good or bad or right or wrong. And as a result, I live each experience in my head, with all this 'stuff' swirling around not letting me just experience the moment for what it is.
I know that on some level our 'stuff' is important. We grow through life by what we learn from our experiences. The problem is that the way I interpreted things in the past, before going on this journey, were very much from a place of pain and anger. And so I created this life based on those experiences and the life that surrounds me is reflective of those beliefs and actions. What I'm coming to realize is that there is a part of me that has move beyond that. There is a part of me that now understands life at a higher level and wants to go there. But as I said before, I'm tethered, and I didnt realize until today what was holding me back.
My inner turmoil at the moment comes from the frustration of being in a reality of my own creation that is no longer reflective of who I am or who I am trying to become. I feel as though my current surroundings are not conducive to helping me along the rest of this journey. And so I feel stuck...in part because of my current surroundings as I said...but also stuck because of all my 'stuff' that does not allow me the freedom to break free and just BE...and allow myself to create new stories, beliefs, expectations, judgements, etc. that are born from a place of love and empowerment and strength instead of from pain and anger.
So it is now clear to me that I have to let go of all of it...of everything I believe to be true...about who I think I am...about who I think the people in my life are to me...about what life is supposed to look like. I have to let it all go. And I have to start over. I have to go through each experience with stillness and openness and create a new reality for myself.
And as much as I know that cutting these ties that are holding me back is necessary, I am terrified. As Alanis Morissette says in one of her songs - "These precious illusions in my head did not let me down when I was defenseless. And parting with them is like parting with invisible best friend". I don't know who I am without these illusions. But I know now that they are just illusions and that the time has come to let them go so that I can be who I want to be.
I also know that letting go will also probably result in the loss of a lot of relationships...for many reasons. Some because they will not understand or support the transition that I'm going through. Some because they are relationships that hold me back and so they will just not be able to come on the journey with me. And some because realistically, the only reason they still exist is because I hold on to them so tightly. And I know that once I let go they will likely disappear. But I'm willing to step out into the unknown. It's more than being willing. It's that I MUST. My soul is tearing me apart from the inside out because it will not allow me to be at peace with what is because I am ready for more. Some changes must be made. And I'm finally ready to make them.
So...as I said...step one...is to LET GO...of all of it...
And...step two...is to just be still...and breathe...
To Be Continued...
Much Love,
Vanessa...in progress. (VIP)
