I won't bother with sharing all the details of how I learned these lessons because I dont want to continue to dwell on what happened...I've already done more than enough of that! I prefer to focus on the lessons that this experience has taught me and the gifts it has left me with......so here they go...
LESSON #1) Not all men are assholes... Seriously?!?!?! Who knew?!?!?! Well it's not that I really thought ALL men were assholes. I know several of my friend's husbands and some male friends that seem like pretty terrific guys. I guess it's just that I thought that any guy that I would ever become involved with was bound to be an asshole. Whether it's because of the bad choices I was making or just bad luck...I had resigned myself to believe this was my fate. But, I was recently presently surprised to meet someone that seemed to be a really great and special guy. Whether this change in fate was due to my now making better choices or a sudden stroke of good luck...the reality is I had the pleasure of meeting and getting to know someone I thought was pretty awesome...and that was very refreshing!This has restored my faith and hope in men and helped me to finally allow myself to open up to other experiences. I had been very closed off for a very long time...but I finally feel like I'm ready to move on from the demons of the past and start seeing what's out there again...
LESSON #2)It's important to take it sloooooow right from the beginning...and give ample time for someone to REALLY demonstrate who they truly are, how they really feel about you, what their intentions are, and what they want...before you open yourself up emotionally, allow yourself to be vulnerable and give yourself to them completely. I was used to not letting anyone in...ever...because that was the only way I knew to keep myself safe. What I learned from this most recent experience is that it's ok to venture out...explore...find out what people are about...share some good times...and enjoy yourself. But you should take your time and wait before you REALLY put yourself out there...until you are sure...as sure as anyone ever can be...that the situation and circumstances are right for you...
LESSON #3)Know what it is you are looking for so that you can determine what situations are right for you and which ones aren't. It's not that every situation has to be perfectly suited in order for you to enter into it and enjoy it...but you need to be clear and honest with yourself so that you don't go into a situation hoping it turns into what you want when it clearly isn't going to. If you're willing to enjoy it for what it is without any other expectations...and you can truly be ok with that...that's great....have a blast! But if you are not willing to do that...then you should really just stay focused on giving your time and energy to the situations that are in line with what you want. Even if they don't all end happily ever after...that's fine...but at least you are working towards your goal, not expending unnecessary energy on something that has no chance of bringing you what you want or someone that does not want what you want, and you are not selling yourself short in the process...
LESSON #4) Respect yourself throughout the process...and make sure you are being valued and treated the way you believe you should be. Sometimes we think that as long as we aren't being treated badly that it's all ok. But the reality is, you don't have to be treated badly to be settling for less than you think you deserve. For me, at this point in my life, I'm not necessarily looking for THE ONE...I dont know if I even believe that exists. I'm not even necessarily looking for a long-term serious relationship. I'm just looking to be involved in something that is healthy and honest and open...and fun...and has the possibility of something more...even if that something more never actually comes. I want to be in something that adds to my already full life and makes me feel good. I want something that allows me to be authentically me...allows me to give the best of who I am...and gives me the things that I need/want in return. Now...I realize that I may need/want a lot of things...and thats not easy for just anyone to give...but regardless...I feel that I deserve and am worth those things...and worth someone maybe pushing passed their comfort zone and putting in the effort and time...for me. And so...if you get to a point where you feel that you are not getting the things you need/want....you may need to walk away...or maybe hit the restart button and start over. But, you can't stay in something and be ok with it...if you are not having your needs met and your not feeling valued. What you accept defines what you get. So if its not really what you want...don't accept it. I've regretted staying longer than I should have a million times in my life. I've never regretted respecting and honoring myself enough to walk away from something that was making me uncomfortable...even if its possible I may have walked away too early...and even if what I walked away from wasn't really bad at all. Maybe the"right thing to do"is somehwere in between those extremes..but for me...for right now...I am just not able to sit with that level of discomfort for very long...and I'm ok with that...for now. I think that as a relationship develops over time...and establishes some roots...the amount of stuff you should be willing to deal with and work through, the amount of time you are willing to hang in there and work things out, and your willingness to compromise...should grow with the relationship. But in the beginning...I feel that we need should be having fun...showing each other how we feel...keeping each other interested....trying to demonstrate to each other that its worth our while to stay involved and engaged...giving each other something to keep working towards...keeping each other excited about what could come next....and make it worth our while to stick it out and 'see what happens'. I dont think that things need to be intense or serious in order for that dynamic to exist...but I do think that it needs to exist on some level...and there needs to be effort made to make sure those messages are being sent. If it's not there...if there is no effort...if it's just sort of whatever...then...to me...there is nothing to hang on to...to get you through the waiting period....nothing makign you want more...nothing to remind me that you still want me there...and so I may decide that I have to go....
LESSON #5) Be who you are and let the pieces fall where they may. I had convinced myself that I didnt 'know' how to do this whole relationship thing. So...in this most recent situation I let myself feel that I was ill-equipped to deal with it and as a result I tried to temper who I was at times andrelied heavily on the advice of others. In a way this was good because it gave me time to think and collect different viewpoints that helped me decide my best course of action. But whatI realized at the end of this process is that I just really have to be me and do what feels right...even if it may be 'wrong' according to the general consensus. I believe the right person willstick through all my craziness and the occassional error in judgement on my part...as I would do for them. What I dont want is to have to pretend to be someone I'm not and be swallowing all my real feelings and emotions in an effort to seem 'normal' and make someone like me. I am a low tolerance, high expectations person. I am prone to extremes and can at times be reactive and emotional. While that might not always be the funnest thing in the world for someone to deal with...it's not even all that fun for me sometimes...I don't think they are the worst attributes in the world...and at some level they even keep life a little exciting and interesting. And...I believe...those traits are also complimented by a long list of awesome and amazing traits that make me worth it in the end. So...the point here is...just be yourself...and the people who belong in your life will be attracted to who you are...and stick around...no matter how crazy it is. And those that don't belong...will leave...which is what you want them to do anyway...so no big loss...
LESSON #6) Regardless of how something ends...you should find the gifts and learn the lessons and use them to create an even better version of yourself. Every situation...even the worst ones...have some gifts that you walk away with and some important lessons for you to learn...about yourself..and about life in general. You can choose to harp on everything that went wrong and be angry or upset that it ended...or you can be grateful for the good stuff..and let go of the rest. In this situation...there wasn't really any bad stuff at all...so I have only good stuff to look back on...so I'm extremely grateful for that. But it also just served as a reminder to me...that in every situation...there are gifts...we just have to find them...
LESSON #7) No matter what...don't take your eyes off your goals, stay focused on the big picture, and keep your priorities straight. We are all on our own individual journeys in this life...and while I think its good and healthy for someone to temporarily throw you for a loop and knock you off course a little bit...anyone worth your time should have that kind of effect on you...the reality is that the RIGHT person will actually be on a parallel journey and so you will end up walking along side eachother as you each continue on your individual life paths. You may need to take some different routes and make some different arrangements than originally anticipated...but as long as the end game is the same...as long as the big picture is in sync...as long as your overall goals are aligned...and as long as walking the rest of the journey side by side enhances and enriches both your lives...then that is was truly matters...so try not to get lost in or overwhelmed by the details...
LESSON #8) I have some truly amazing friends who listen to me ad nauseum...give advice regularly....provide support tirelessly...and love me unconditionally through all of my situations...this one...and the countless others through the years. I am so blessed to have each and every one of them. I am always blown away when life reminds me just how loved I am. I can only hope that in some way they get out of their friendship with me as much as I get out of being friends with them. I'll never be able to adequately thank them and show them how much they are appreciated...but I hope somehow...they know...
As for the particular HIM that prompted these lessons...and inspired this blog post...I just want to say that he was/is pretty awesome...and I am happy and grateful for everything we shared...for the gifts that it left me with..and the critical lessons it taught me. And although I felt the need to walk away at this particular time because I felt that the circumstances as they were at the moment were not valuing me they way I feel I deserve or giving me what I needed....I'm thankful for him...and the fact that we are still friends...and I look forward to continuing to get to know him better...and leaving the door open...for whatever life may bring in the future...
And now that this chapter has closed and a new one has begun...one that I can hopefully navigate better since learning these lessons....it's now time to focus on 2011...what I want for myself...how I'm going to up my game...and how I'm going to make sure that I live every day out loud...to the fullest...and not let anything get in my way!
Much love...
Vanessa...in progress. (VIP)
Tuesday, December 28, 2010
Friday, November 26, 2010
Counting My Blessings...
It's always good to stop every once in a while and count your blessings. Sometimes we get caught up in the day to day complexities of life and forget to stop and smell the roses and realize that there is plenty to be thankful for...no matter what! And what better time to stop...smell the roses...and count your blessings than Thanksgiving?!?!
So...here it goes...
I am thankful for:
I would love to hear what you are thankful for if you want to share!
Much love...
Vanessa...in progress. (VIP)
So...here it goes...
I am thankful for:
- My mental and physical health - This is first and foremost to me because if not for this I would not be able to do and have so many other blessings in my life.
- My daughter - I can't even say enough about how special my daughter is and how honored I am to be her mother. Since the moment she came into the world she has been teaching me about who I am and who I want to be and constantly reminding me about what is truly important in life. She has brought a meaning to my life that I couldn't even think possible before knowing her. I love you Emily!
- My family - As crazy as they may make me sometimes I love and appreciate my family more than they will ever understand. They are the most supportive, loving, helpful and patient bunch of people and I dont know what I would do without them. A big huge thanks to them for all they have done for me (and will do...because it isnt' over yet! lol)
- My friends - I have the most amazing and diverse group of friends that keep my life interesting, exciting and fun! From the old school NY crew...to the new...the homeroomies...the Healthers...and countless others that I won't mention by name in this public forum...but they know who they are! Life would be quite boring without all of you...and who would listen to all of my stories!?!?! lol... Love you guys!
- My job - I have been blessed enough to work with an amazing organization for the past 13 years that allows me to make a difference in the world. I am also lucky enough to work side by side with people I consider to be my second family. I am so grateful to be a part of such an awesome team doing such amazing work! Thanks to the 'higher ups' for allowing me this opportunity!
- My daughter's father - As crazy as it may sound...that experience taught me so much about myself and about life...I now know what rock bottom looks like and try my best to not look down on people because I may not know or understand what they are going through...I now know what it feels like to have your choices judged by your friends, be ostracized and feel utterly alone because you can't talk to anyone...I now know myself at a level deeper than I could have ever imagined and after being broken open and building myself back up I now know that I am indestructable. And...in the process...I walked away with an amazing gift which is my daughter...as well as new friends that I consider family!
- The extras - There are so many 'extras' in life that we dont even notice or appreciate but they are the icing on the cake that make life more beatiful and yummy! Simple things like going to the movies, shopping at the store, taking my daughter to swimming and dancing class, driving in your car singing at the top of your lungs, special moments with family, friends or even strangers, laughing until your stomach hurts...and the list goes on and on.
- Life's Surprises - Every once in a while life will step up and surprise you with a wonderful unexpected surprise that turns your life a little bit upside down...in a good way...and you have to be able to seize the moment and enjoy the ride! So, thank you to a certain someone who has turned life a little bit upside down for me...and makes me feel like smiling!
I would love to hear what you are thankful for if you want to share!
Much love...
Vanessa...in progress. (VIP)
Thursday, November 4, 2010
Honesty isn't always easy...but it's always right!
So...if you've been following my posts...you know that I've been in and out of a funk for a while now...and while I love my puppy and he does provide the occassional distraction...the funk was still there. This helped me to realize that I was not going to avoid my way out of the funk and instead I needed to get down and dirty with it if I was going to overcome it...and I've been doing just that...and let me tell you it hasnt been easy!
As I dug deeper and began to try and sort my way through it...I realized that PART of my funk was due to having 'lost myself' in a sense...the REAL me that I mentioned in a previous post. The version of me that was strong...confident...sure of herself...and honest...always...no matter what. Because that girl...loved herself and thought she was pretty awesome...and didnt really care much if others didn't agree. I was the only one that needed to love me...and I only wanted those around who were smart enough to see how awesome I was anyway...so if you weren't drinking the Vanessa Kool-Aid...then no need to stick around. If you did decide that you wanted to stick around...then you got the privilege of even more wonderful parts of me... love...loyalty...support...friendship...and the list goes on. I knew I was also difficult...but felt that I was worth the effort to deal with me...because once you broke through to the other side of me...there were some pretty significant benefits to being in my circle of people.
Somewhere along the way...I lost myself...and became the exact opposite of all the things I admired about myself. I became insecure...weak...confused...unsure...passive...and the list goes on. I know what caused this drastic change but that's a blog for another day. The point is that at some point I was confronted with the horrific truth that I was no longer me and had become some other person...one that frankly...I wouldn't really even want to be friends with...and it shook me to my core.
As they say acceptance is the first step...so just the realization and acceptance of who I had become and how I felt about it was huge...but now what? Which person am I supposed to be? Or is there some other version of me out there I'm supposed to aspire to? Do I go back to who I was, stay here, or search for someone else to be? Trying to figure this out while still dealing with the day to day hassles of life and its many ups and downs was not an easy task but the alternative is to give up...and I was never good at that (and luckily not giving up is one trait I never let go of).
I began the 'fake it until you make it' approach...so I did my best to behave as the person I thought I wanted to be...without even being sure thats who I wanted to be...hoping that at some point it would all become clear and everything would click. Add into the mix that everyone has an unasked for opinion...that just muddies the waters even more...especially if you were already confused and lost and unsure of yourself. But this dynamic just created even more dissatisfaction and angst inside of me because there was such a disparity between who I was at the moment...who I had been in the past...and who I think..I thought...I should maybe consider being...and not feeling really sure about any of it.
As I continued to push forward through my confusion and funk...and peel away the layers...I finally realized that I didnt need to figure out who I was...I just needed to BE who I was...and that should be a natural process that doesnt take so much work and thought...it just takes doing and being...and the real problem I was having was that my soul was painfully aware that I was not BEING who I was...and therein lay the problem.
This is the issue that actually prompted me to start my blog...the premise being ignorance and honesty. I dont know it all...and neither do you. There is no absolute truth. There's what you think, what I think, what he thinks, what she thinks, etc. Sometimes the thinks are in sink...many times they aren't. We can learn from each other and our thoughts can change and opinions morph and knowledge grow...but at any given moment...my truth...not yours...is what I am thinking and feeling at that moment...whether or not you agree...and whether or not you understand...and whether or not its 'right'. It's my truth.
Step one in my new 'project' of being ME was just being honest....primarily with MYSELF...but also with others. As I moved forward with embracing who I am and reintroducing her to the world...that hadn't seen her in a LONG time...and some of my newer friends had never even met her to begin with...I knew that this would be a very difficult journey...but if you've ever met me...you know I prefer things a little on the difficult side.
It's been a slow...difficult...interesting...complicated journey so far...as all of this unfolds...but I feel like I become more and more present with myself and who I am every day and with every choice I make that is true to who I am.
Being honest with myself is very difficult at times...because its so much easier...at least initially...to ignore...avoid...and alter the truth to keep yourself and everyone around you 'happy'. But that kind of 'lying' eats away at you over time until you become angry and bitter and feel imprisoned by the fakeness...at least that's how it made me feel. But being honest with others is even more complicated because in the process of doing so...of being true to yourself and how you feel and doing what you feel you need to do for your own self-preservation and happiness...you sometimes hurt those you are being honest with...and at times cause rifts and make waves you wish didn't have to be.
Since this journey began...back in July...I've had to make the choice to be honest with some people in my life because something about our dynamic and relationship was not sitting right with me or allowing me to feel free at at ease. So far...I've actually taken action on sharing my truth with 2 of those people...and there are more to follow.
I feel especially bad...because they are receiving (or will be) the information in one big package...when in reality its been a bunch of little things building up over time that have brought me to this place of discomfort. Perhaps if I had been honest all along...no one issue that surfaced would have required such a serious discussion...but alas...my period of self-denial brought me to this place and now there is a lot to get off my chest.
The first person I addressed issues with resulted with the friendship being put on a sort of 'hold' indefinitely. Only time will tell where that will lead. The results of the issues addressed with the 2nd person are still pending...but I hope that they can be worked through so that the relationship can surface even stronger and better than before. And there are other issues with other people that still need to be addressed but there is a time and place for everything and those will happen when their time comes.
The reality...and point of this blog post...is really just to say that honesty isn't always easy...but I do believe it's always right. I regret the fact that I ever lost myself to begin with. And I regret the fact that my inability to be honest and open for a while caused me to now come to this point where I feel I MUST bear my soul and truth all at once...and as a result this may bring discomfort, hurt and even anger to others unexpectedly. I regret those things deeply. But what I do not regret is finding myself again. And I don't regret that I am now being true to myself. And I don't regret the honesty I have and will continue to share with others in order to be true to myself.
I don't know know what will happen...or where this road may lead...what friends I may lose...or what new ones I will make...or what consequences I will have to face as a result of being ME...honestly...and unapologetically. But I do know...that while I may have to grieve some losses...and walk through some fires...there is no greater peace or reward than the feeling that comes with being totally and completely honest...with yourself first...and with others.
To all those I may hurt or upset...I am truly sorry...because it's not my intention...and is actually the last thing I would ever want to do...but I would do it 100 times over...before EVER losing myself again.
Thanks for listening...
Much love...
Vanessa...in progress. (VIP)
P.S. This is definitely the deepest and most HONEST post I have posted so far. I would really love to hear your thoughts and perspectives on it. All comments are welcome. This is a place where we can all be HONEST!
As I dug deeper and began to try and sort my way through it...I realized that PART of my funk was due to having 'lost myself' in a sense...the REAL me that I mentioned in a previous post. The version of me that was strong...confident...sure of herself...and honest...always...no matter what. Because that girl...loved herself and thought she was pretty awesome...and didnt really care much if others didn't agree. I was the only one that needed to love me...and I only wanted those around who were smart enough to see how awesome I was anyway...so if you weren't drinking the Vanessa Kool-Aid...then no need to stick around. If you did decide that you wanted to stick around...then you got the privilege of even more wonderful parts of me... love...loyalty...support...friendship...and the list goes on. I knew I was also difficult...but felt that I was worth the effort to deal with me...because once you broke through to the other side of me...there were some pretty significant benefits to being in my circle of people.
Somewhere along the way...I lost myself...and became the exact opposite of all the things I admired about myself. I became insecure...weak...confused...unsure...passive...and the list goes on. I know what caused this drastic change but that's a blog for another day. The point is that at some point I was confronted with the horrific truth that I was no longer me and had become some other person...one that frankly...I wouldn't really even want to be friends with...and it shook me to my core.
As they say acceptance is the first step...so just the realization and acceptance of who I had become and how I felt about it was huge...but now what? Which person am I supposed to be? Or is there some other version of me out there I'm supposed to aspire to? Do I go back to who I was, stay here, or search for someone else to be? Trying to figure this out while still dealing with the day to day hassles of life and its many ups and downs was not an easy task but the alternative is to give up...and I was never good at that (and luckily not giving up is one trait I never let go of).
I began the 'fake it until you make it' approach...so I did my best to behave as the person I thought I wanted to be...without even being sure thats who I wanted to be...hoping that at some point it would all become clear and everything would click. Add into the mix that everyone has an unasked for opinion...that just muddies the waters even more...especially if you were already confused and lost and unsure of yourself. But this dynamic just created even more dissatisfaction and angst inside of me because there was such a disparity between who I was at the moment...who I had been in the past...and who I think..I thought...I should maybe consider being...and not feeling really sure about any of it.
As I continued to push forward through my confusion and funk...and peel away the layers...I finally realized that I didnt need to figure out who I was...I just needed to BE who I was...and that should be a natural process that doesnt take so much work and thought...it just takes doing and being...and the real problem I was having was that my soul was painfully aware that I was not BEING who I was...and therein lay the problem.
This is the issue that actually prompted me to start my blog...the premise being ignorance and honesty. I dont know it all...and neither do you. There is no absolute truth. There's what you think, what I think, what he thinks, what she thinks, etc. Sometimes the thinks are in sink...many times they aren't. We can learn from each other and our thoughts can change and opinions morph and knowledge grow...but at any given moment...my truth...not yours...is what I am thinking and feeling at that moment...whether or not you agree...and whether or not you understand...and whether or not its 'right'. It's my truth.
Step one in my new 'project' of being ME was just being honest....primarily with MYSELF...but also with others. As I moved forward with embracing who I am and reintroducing her to the world...that hadn't seen her in a LONG time...and some of my newer friends had never even met her to begin with...I knew that this would be a very difficult journey...but if you've ever met me...you know I prefer things a little on the difficult side.
It's been a slow...difficult...interesting...complicated journey so far...as all of this unfolds...but I feel like I become more and more present with myself and who I am every day and with every choice I make that is true to who I am.
Being honest with myself is very difficult at times...because its so much easier...at least initially...to ignore...avoid...and alter the truth to keep yourself and everyone around you 'happy'. But that kind of 'lying' eats away at you over time until you become angry and bitter and feel imprisoned by the fakeness...at least that's how it made me feel. But being honest with others is even more complicated because in the process of doing so...of being true to yourself and how you feel and doing what you feel you need to do for your own self-preservation and happiness...you sometimes hurt those you are being honest with...and at times cause rifts and make waves you wish didn't have to be.
Since this journey began...back in July...I've had to make the choice to be honest with some people in my life because something about our dynamic and relationship was not sitting right with me or allowing me to feel free at at ease. So far...I've actually taken action on sharing my truth with 2 of those people...and there are more to follow.
I feel especially bad...because they are receiving (or will be) the information in one big package...when in reality its been a bunch of little things building up over time that have brought me to this place of discomfort. Perhaps if I had been honest all along...no one issue that surfaced would have required such a serious discussion...but alas...my period of self-denial brought me to this place and now there is a lot to get off my chest.
The first person I addressed issues with resulted with the friendship being put on a sort of 'hold' indefinitely. Only time will tell where that will lead. The results of the issues addressed with the 2nd person are still pending...but I hope that they can be worked through so that the relationship can surface even stronger and better than before. And there are other issues with other people that still need to be addressed but there is a time and place for everything and those will happen when their time comes.
The reality...and point of this blog post...is really just to say that honesty isn't always easy...but I do believe it's always right. I regret the fact that I ever lost myself to begin with. And I regret the fact that my inability to be honest and open for a while caused me to now come to this point where I feel I MUST bear my soul and truth all at once...and as a result this may bring discomfort, hurt and even anger to others unexpectedly. I regret those things deeply. But what I do not regret is finding myself again. And I don't regret that I am now being true to myself. And I don't regret the honesty I have and will continue to share with others in order to be true to myself.
I don't know know what will happen...or where this road may lead...what friends I may lose...or what new ones I will make...or what consequences I will have to face as a result of being ME...honestly...and unapologetically. But I do know...that while I may have to grieve some losses...and walk through some fires...there is no greater peace or reward than the feeling that comes with being totally and completely honest...with yourself first...and with others.
To all those I may hurt or upset...I am truly sorry...because it's not my intention...and is actually the last thing I would ever want to do...but I would do it 100 times over...before EVER losing myself again.
Thanks for listening...
Much love...
Vanessa...in progress. (VIP)
P.S. This is definitely the deepest and most HONEST post I have posted so far. I would really love to hear your thoughts and perspectives on it. All comments are welcome. This is a place where we can all be HONEST!
Monday, November 1, 2010
Halloween is over...but will people take their masks off?
Well...another Halloween has gone by...a day full of trick or treating and disguising ourselves and our children...and sometimes even our pets as ghosts, goblins, witches and the like. But...now that it's over...and in theory the costumes and masks are all supposed to come off...the reality is...that most of us will just be swapping them for our other daily social masks.
I really don't know what's up with me lately but the more I'm exposed to the 'fakeness' of so many people around me...the more I feel like I go a little mad inside.
Does ANYONE know how to be authentic anymore? Including me!?!?! Once upon a time...I was very raw and painfully 'authentic'. All my ugly...flawed...confused...pained reality was out on the table for all to see. And...I didnt care. I didnt care what people thought, said, felt about anything that was ME! And I felt strong and confident in who and how I was...no matter what it was...or how it was perceived by others. Those were the good old days!
But...somehow...I feel that over the years...in an effort to be more 'mature' and...I lost myself. I lost that authenticity that once defined me. I find myself smiling and laughing and pretending instead of expressing myself authetically! I find myself keeping some of my 'realities' to myself for fear of how it might be judged by others. Or, when I do share something, I usually find myself automatically regretting having shared the information because I know it makes me somehow seem less than perfect...not pulled together...not sure...and to others that is a shunnable offense!
Then...I go back into the madness of my mind and wonder when and how that transformation happened. When did I start caring more about what others thought and felt then I did about being whole and true to myself above all else. How do I get back to that place of authenticity that once defined me? And then...more importantly...how do I surround myself with people that are authentic...and welcome honestly and expression...in all its forms? Because...seriously...whenever I spend time with someone who is so obviously 'faking it' and not being authentic I feel like I die a little inside. Not so much because THEY are being fake...but because I'm participating in it...because I'm going along for the ride...because in accepting their lack of authenticity and surrounding myself with it I'm being fake myself! And...that just doesn't sit right with me anymore.
I will say...that I do have a few amazing and awesome people in my life that I do think are VERY authentic...and thank GOODNESS I have them. They ground me. But they are few and far between...and I definitely dont spend enough time with them.
So...my challenge to myself on this post-Halloween day is to actively take off my mask...today...and every day...and once again begin to flex my authenticy and be ME...more fully and honestly...and to hell with whoever doesnt like it.
Ahhh...it feels better already...
Much love...
Vanessa...in progress. (VIP)
P.S. Don't forget to leave a comment. You can also easily share the link with the buttons under the post's title. Thanks for helping out!
I really don't know what's up with me lately but the more I'm exposed to the 'fakeness' of so many people around me...the more I feel like I go a little mad inside.
Does ANYONE know how to be authentic anymore? Including me!?!?! Once upon a time...I was very raw and painfully 'authentic'. All my ugly...flawed...confused...pained reality was out on the table for all to see. And...I didnt care. I didnt care what people thought, said, felt about anything that was ME! And I felt strong and confident in who and how I was...no matter what it was...or how it was perceived by others. Those were the good old days!
But...somehow...I feel that over the years...in an effort to be more 'mature' and...I lost myself. I lost that authenticity that once defined me. I find myself smiling and laughing and pretending instead of expressing myself authetically! I find myself keeping some of my 'realities' to myself for fear of how it might be judged by others. Or, when I do share something, I usually find myself automatically regretting having shared the information because I know it makes me somehow seem less than perfect...not pulled together...not sure...and to others that is a shunnable offense!
Then...I go back into the madness of my mind and wonder when and how that transformation happened. When did I start caring more about what others thought and felt then I did about being whole and true to myself above all else. How do I get back to that place of authenticity that once defined me? And then...more importantly...how do I surround myself with people that are authentic...and welcome honestly and expression...in all its forms? Because...seriously...whenever I spend time with someone who is so obviously 'faking it' and not being authentic I feel like I die a little inside. Not so much because THEY are being fake...but because I'm participating in it...because I'm going along for the ride...because in accepting their lack of authenticity and surrounding myself with it I'm being fake myself! And...that just doesn't sit right with me anymore.
I will say...that I do have a few amazing and awesome people in my life that I do think are VERY authentic...and thank GOODNESS I have them. They ground me. But they are few and far between...and I definitely dont spend enough time with them.
So...my challenge to myself on this post-Halloween day is to actively take off my mask...today...and every day...and once again begin to flex my authenticy and be ME...more fully and honestly...and to hell with whoever doesnt like it.
Ahhh...it feels better already...
Much love...
Vanessa...in progress. (VIP)
P.S. Don't forget to leave a comment. You can also easily share the link with the buttons under the post's title. Thanks for helping out!
Saturday, October 9, 2010
When in Doubt...Get a Dog!
One sure way to get yourself out of a funk...is to get a dog!
I had been contemplating buying a dog for a while now. I figured it would be good to have a dog for when Emily and I live alone...for security and companionship. However, I have been hesitant because as we all know, dogs are a lot of work and I wasn't sure if adding more work to my load was a smart thing to do. Afterall, the load of a single parent is enough all on its own. I knew eventually I would give in...but I wasn't sure when.
It happened last week! I decided now was the time. We researched and we went out and bought our new puppy, Max. WE LOVE HIM!
He's a cream colored Havanese and is just 3 months old and in the few short days he's been with us has brought us tremendous joy and happiness.
If you've been following my blog you know I've been in a bit of a funk. You also know that I've decided to dive in to that funk head first...and I have been. But, I also decided that I should 'reward' myself for my bravery. So I did. The reward is Max.
It's so awesome to come home and have your new puppy fall over himself trying to get to you and wagging his tail from excitement! It's so cute to see him playing with his toys and trying to provoke you to play a game of chase. And it's EXTRA awesome to watch Emily and him play. He loves her and she loves him and they are having so much fun together. It's also been teaching her about responsibility and caring for something. She loves taking care of him. And he's grateful.
That's another thing! I love the fact that Max is happy and grateful for every little thing we do for him. That's a trait rarely found in humans these days. In a world where so much of what you do, say, and feel is taken for granted its nice to give of yourself and see some genunine appreciation and love in return. If only humans were more like dogs!
Anyway...just wanted to share that we have a new addition to the family...our little Havanese puppy, Max! We couldn't be happier. And at least for the moment...there is no funk in sight. It has been temporarily been put on a shelf so that I can play with my puppy!
I have plenty of time to deal with the little things that are irking me. I'll get to them in due time. But for now, I'm just going to take some time to enjoy the awesome blessings in my life.
Uh...and now I have to go...because Max is chewing up my shoe...
Much love...
Vanessa...in progress. (VIP)
P.S. Don't forget to leave a comment. You can also easily share the link with the buttons under the post's title. Thanks for helping out!
I had been contemplating buying a dog for a while now. I figured it would be good to have a dog for when Emily and I live alone...for security and companionship. However, I have been hesitant because as we all know, dogs are a lot of work and I wasn't sure if adding more work to my load was a smart thing to do. Afterall, the load of a single parent is enough all on its own. I knew eventually I would give in...but I wasn't sure when.
It happened last week! I decided now was the time. We researched and we went out and bought our new puppy, Max. WE LOVE HIM!
He's a cream colored Havanese and is just 3 months old and in the few short days he's been with us has brought us tremendous joy and happiness.
If you've been following my blog you know I've been in a bit of a funk. You also know that I've decided to dive in to that funk head first...and I have been. But, I also decided that I should 'reward' myself for my bravery. So I did. The reward is Max.
It's so awesome to come home and have your new puppy fall over himself trying to get to you and wagging his tail from excitement! It's so cute to see him playing with his toys and trying to provoke you to play a game of chase. And it's EXTRA awesome to watch Emily and him play. He loves her and she loves him and they are having so much fun together. It's also been teaching her about responsibility and caring for something. She loves taking care of him. And he's grateful.
That's another thing! I love the fact that Max is happy and grateful for every little thing we do for him. That's a trait rarely found in humans these days. In a world where so much of what you do, say, and feel is taken for granted its nice to give of yourself and see some genunine appreciation and love in return. If only humans were more like dogs!
Anyway...just wanted to share that we have a new addition to the family...our little Havanese puppy, Max! We couldn't be happier. And at least for the moment...there is no funk in sight. It has been temporarily been put on a shelf so that I can play with my puppy!
I have plenty of time to deal with the little things that are irking me. I'll get to them in due time. But for now, I'm just going to take some time to enjoy the awesome blessings in my life.
Uh...and now I have to go...because Max is chewing up my shoe...
Much love...
Vanessa...in progress. (VIP)
P.S. Don't forget to leave a comment. You can also easily share the link with the buttons under the post's title. Thanks for helping out!
Wednesday, October 6, 2010
The only way out is through...
I'm convinced...Alanis and so many others were right...the ONLY way out IS through!
I've been in a bit of a funk lately...for various reasons...none of them major...nor was the funk itself major. I just wasn't feeling my happy, and peppy self and it was bothering me. So...I decided to give myself a mental health weekend. I took a Friday off of work and planned a weekend full of ME activities - walking Emily to school, prayer and meditation, exercise, journaling, etc. It was AWESOME and I felt GREAT! I was happy that I had taken the time to "do me" and was feeling good again and thought the funk was over.
That is...until Monday morning...when I charged back in to reality...only to be confronted again with all the same stuff that I had walked away from during my 3 day mental health retreat. Grrr... Did those things not know that I had taken a respite and they were all supposed to be gone now that I was "feeling better"?
So...that's when I realized...again...that the only way out is through. I can't distract my way out of it. It's there...and it's not going away until I dive in and deal with it. I'm not exactly sure what diving in and dealing with it means in this case...since its really not one thing but rather a mix of things all rolled in to one. But, I know that sitting with it, examining it, embracing it, and putting one foot in front of the other as I deal with it is the only thing that's going to put me on the other side of it.
So I will dive...and we'll see what happens. It may get worse before it gets better...but it WILL get better!
Main lessons learned from this little experience: 1) We should definitely all learn to take more time for ourselves...to just slow it down...and "do us"...and clear the mind. Even though it didnt get rid of the "stuff" it did feel great! And...2) is the unfortunate reminder that the only way out is through. Whatever IT is...won't go away until I confront it head on. So confront I must and I will.
Stay tuned.
Much love...
Vanessa...in progress. (VIP)
P.S. Don't forget to leave a comment. You can also easily share the link with the buttons under the post's title. Thanks for helping out!
I've been in a bit of a funk lately...for various reasons...none of them major...nor was the funk itself major. I just wasn't feeling my happy, and peppy self and it was bothering me. So...I decided to give myself a mental health weekend. I took a Friday off of work and planned a weekend full of ME activities - walking Emily to school, prayer and meditation, exercise, journaling, etc. It was AWESOME and I felt GREAT! I was happy that I had taken the time to "do me" and was feeling good again and thought the funk was over.
That is...until Monday morning...when I charged back in to reality...only to be confronted again with all the same stuff that I had walked away from during my 3 day mental health retreat. Grrr... Did those things not know that I had taken a respite and they were all supposed to be gone now that I was "feeling better"?
So...that's when I realized...again...that the only way out is through. I can't distract my way out of it. It's there...and it's not going away until I dive in and deal with it. I'm not exactly sure what diving in and dealing with it means in this case...since its really not one thing but rather a mix of things all rolled in to one. But, I know that sitting with it, examining it, embracing it, and putting one foot in front of the other as I deal with it is the only thing that's going to put me on the other side of it.
So I will dive...and we'll see what happens. It may get worse before it gets better...but it WILL get better!
Main lessons learned from this little experience: 1) We should definitely all learn to take more time for ourselves...to just slow it down...and "do us"...and clear the mind. Even though it didnt get rid of the "stuff" it did feel great! And...2) is the unfortunate reminder that the only way out is through. Whatever IT is...won't go away until I confront it head on. So confront I must and I will.
Stay tuned.
Much love...
Vanessa...in progress. (VIP)
P.S. Don't forget to leave a comment. You can also easily share the link with the buttons under the post's title. Thanks for helping out!
Monday, August 23, 2010
Transitions...
I was working on a new post a few days ago about anger...and then all of a sudden today...the topic didnt feel important enough to me to complete the post. You see, yesterday my daughter started Kindergarten...and milestones like these have a way of putting all of life in better perspective and helping you focus on what really matters.
As we spent the last few weeks, and especially this past weekend getting everything in order and ready for the big day I began to have a shift in focus from stressing the trivialities of life to appreciating just how awesome life really is. As I looked at my little girl, ready to start Kindergarten it became clear to me that none of the things that seem to take so much of our energy and consume our time day to day are really all that important in the grand scheme of life! What mattered in that moment was that I am blessed to have the most amazing daughter and the realization that it is my responsiblity and joy to guide her so that she can be smart enough, strong enough, skilled enough, confident enough and happy enough to be ready for all of the transitions that life will throw at her as she grows.
It seems a cruel joke that most of us tend to waste so much of our time and energy dealing with things that dont keep us in a positive space and don't help us move our lives forward. I was writing a post about the things that make me angry and how I deal with that anger...and then suddenly...after this experience...I realized I had nothing to be angry about...because life was beautiful just as it was. And just like that...my world changed.
Now...I do realize...in a few days/weeks...the euphoria of this experience will wear off....and someone is bound to piss me off...at which point I'll revisit the post I was working on about anger...because I am after all human and feisty. But, I will try my best to ensure that the lesson of this experience does stay with me so that even though I may get angry I can still manage to keep it in perspective and don't let it overshadow just how fabulous my life really is...always...no matter what!
Transitions are a gift...that allow us to pause...reflect and appreciate all we have and are...let go of negative energy that is holding us back...and reposition ourselves to enter the next chapter of our lives. My daughter experienced a major transition. She was excited, ready, determined and happy as she suited up in her new school uniform and marched down the large hallways into her classroom to start her new adventure...unsure of what would happen...but confident that she would master whatever came her way. It was then that I realized that I, myself was going through a transition of my own and must meet it with excitement, readiness, determination and happiness...and even though I may not know what will come...I know that I can master it!
Until next time...
Much love.
Vanessa...in progress. (VIP)
P.S. Don't forget to leave a comment. You can also easily share the link with the buttons under the post's title. Thanks for helping out!
As we spent the last few weeks, and especially this past weekend getting everything in order and ready for the big day I began to have a shift in focus from stressing the trivialities of life to appreciating just how awesome life really is. As I looked at my little girl, ready to start Kindergarten it became clear to me that none of the things that seem to take so much of our energy and consume our time day to day are really all that important in the grand scheme of life! What mattered in that moment was that I am blessed to have the most amazing daughter and the realization that it is my responsiblity and joy to guide her so that she can be smart enough, strong enough, skilled enough, confident enough and happy enough to be ready for all of the transitions that life will throw at her as she grows.
It seems a cruel joke that most of us tend to waste so much of our time and energy dealing with things that dont keep us in a positive space and don't help us move our lives forward. I was writing a post about the things that make me angry and how I deal with that anger...and then suddenly...after this experience...I realized I had nothing to be angry about...because life was beautiful just as it was. And just like that...my world changed.
Now...I do realize...in a few days/weeks...the euphoria of this experience will wear off....and someone is bound to piss me off...at which point I'll revisit the post I was working on about anger...because I am after all human and feisty. But, I will try my best to ensure that the lesson of this experience does stay with me so that even though I may get angry I can still manage to keep it in perspective and don't let it overshadow just how fabulous my life really is...always...no matter what!
Transitions are a gift...that allow us to pause...reflect and appreciate all we have and are...let go of negative energy that is holding us back...and reposition ourselves to enter the next chapter of our lives. My daughter experienced a major transition. She was excited, ready, determined and happy as she suited up in her new school uniform and marched down the large hallways into her classroom to start her new adventure...unsure of what would happen...but confident that she would master whatever came her way. It was then that I realized that I, myself was going through a transition of my own and must meet it with excitement, readiness, determination and happiness...and even though I may not know what will come...I know that I can master it!
Until next time...
Much love.
Vanessa...in progress. (VIP)
P.S. Don't forget to leave a comment. You can also easily share the link with the buttons under the post's title. Thanks for helping out!
Thursday, July 15, 2010
Happy Birthday to Me!!!
Today I turn 36 years old. What a fun and crazy ride it’s been - some good and some not so good. But, I don’t regret any of it, I’ve learned from all of it, and I’ve had some great experiences along the way. So, today I celebrate all that has been to bring me to this very moment.
But, this past year there has been something stirring inside me. I’ve felt this deep internal need to start living a more authentic life. So…as I look forward to what lies in front of me…I cant help but wonder…what if…
What if we decided to live a more authentic life?
What if we decided to stop trying to look like we have it all figured out and that our lives are perfect?
What if we didn’t care what people thought?
What if we truly put all our cards on the table?
What if we were honest about our uncertainties and fears?
What if we lived our life in a way that truly brought us happiness?
What if we embraced our mistakes and used them to transform our lives instead of beating ourselves up about them?
What if we stopped being so judgmental about other people’s lives?
What if we did all of this unapologetically?
What if…
It’s these questions that have been swirling around my mind and soul for a while now and I have been trying to answer. It’s these thoughts that I plan to begin exploring out loud, as I live my life day to day. And it’s these experiences that I want to share with you.
The reality is that we are all works in progress and none of us have it all figured out. I invite you to take part in my journey and in the process inspire you to go on a journey of your own to answer those questions that have been inside of you. I encourage you to comment, ask questions, give your thoughts, and speak your mind. Let’s make it a space to learn from each other, be supportive, grow together and HAVE FUN!
For now, I’m off to continue celebrating my birthday. Thanks for listening.
Until next time…
Much love.
Vanessa...in progress. (VIP)
P.S. Don't forget to leave a comment. You can also easily share the link with the buttons under the post's title. Thanks for helping out!
But, this past year there has been something stirring inside me. I’ve felt this deep internal need to start living a more authentic life. So…as I look forward to what lies in front of me…I cant help but wonder…what if…
What if we decided to live a more authentic life?
What if we decided to stop trying to look like we have it all figured out and that our lives are perfect?
What if we didn’t care what people thought?
What if we truly put all our cards on the table?
What if we were honest about our uncertainties and fears?
What if we lived our life in a way that truly brought us happiness?
What if we embraced our mistakes and used them to transform our lives instead of beating ourselves up about them?
What if we stopped being so judgmental about other people’s lives?
What if we did all of this unapologetically?
What if…
It’s these questions that have been swirling around my mind and soul for a while now and I have been trying to answer. It’s these thoughts that I plan to begin exploring out loud, as I live my life day to day. And it’s these experiences that I want to share with you.
The reality is that we are all works in progress and none of us have it all figured out. I invite you to take part in my journey and in the process inspire you to go on a journey of your own to answer those questions that have been inside of you. I encourage you to comment, ask questions, give your thoughts, and speak your mind. Let’s make it a space to learn from each other, be supportive, grow together and HAVE FUN!
For now, I’m off to continue celebrating my birthday. Thanks for listening.
Until next time…
Much love.
Vanessa...in progress. (VIP)
P.S. Don't forget to leave a comment. You can also easily share the link with the buttons under the post's title. Thanks for helping out!
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