I can hardly believe that 2011 is over. It's been quite a year!
I can honestly say that 2011 has been one of the best years of my life. From the outside looking in, I'm sure it seemed as though nothing major really happened. But what did happen was a critical internal shift in my perspective on life...and that shift has made all the difference.
I started 2011 in a not so great place. Little did I know that although the place I was in was a little painful, it ended up lighting a fire in me that set off a chain of choices and events that have brought me to this amazing place I am at now.
As 2011 comes to a close, I find myself happier than I have ever been even though my external circumstances are not much different than they were before...I find myself more at peace than I have ever been even though I am often still surrounded by chaos...and I find myself more hopeful than I have ever been because I now understand life a bit better.
I didn't really make 'resolutions' last year, but last year I blogged a list of things that I wanted to incorporate into how I lived my life in 2011. For the most part I think I made good on that list. Obviously, it wasn't perfect, but I did make many of those a part of how I now move through life and that has helped me to be a much happier and more peaceful person.
Through lots of trials and lots of errors I learned a lot during this year. If I had to sum it all up I would say that the top 5 lessons I learned in 2011 were:
1) This too shall pass. - There is no need to stress anything. Easier said than done, but in the end it's always true. Everything is temporary and whatever you are going through will pass. So give it its due attention and not a drop more, learn from it what you can, and then let it pass.
2) Respond instead of react. - For so long I believed that the quicker and more forceful my reaction the stronger I was and that I 'won' somehow. I've learned that there is a beauty and grace that comes with pausing and thinking so that you can respond out of love instead of reacting out of anger.
3) Letting go is the best way of holding on. - For so long I dealt with my fears and insecurities by holding on tightly to everything and the more afraid I was of losing something the tighter I held on. I FINALLY learned that holding on tightly is the most sure fire way of losing everything. Love liberates. We must learn to let go.
4)Love yourself first and foremost. - You are of no use to yourself or the world if your cup is empty. I spent so much time trying to fill the cup of others at the expense of my own. It's become CRYSTAL CLEAR that it just doesnt work like that. I need to fill and nourish myself first and foremost and from that place of fullness I can give the best of myself to others.
5) There is nothing I can't do or have. - This year I most definitely learned that the sky is the limit. The only limits are the ones we place on ourselves out of fear, insecurity, doubt, etc. I now know that when I overcome the impulse to limit myself, when I believe that I deserve the outcome I'm hoping for, and when I remember that I can handle ANYTHING that comes across my path, the possibilities are endless and the rewards are overflowing.
I'm not trying to pretend that I live this way 24/7 and that I never falter. The fact is that I usually come back to this new way of thinking/being AFTER I've already messed something up by first resorting to old habits. Then it hits me...oh yeahhhhhh...remember that lesson I learned...so let me try this new way...and without fail...when I remember to try the new way...it either works out or a new door is opened...always.
So, as I think back on 2011 I realize that it was an awesome year. Again, not because some major event took place but because I became a better person in so many ways and that has allowed me to live a much better life.
Because of these changes I head into 2012 ready...fearless...and hopeful. And while 2011 was a year of lots of internal changes, I can already tell that it laid the foundation for 2012. As I move through this next year as a more evolved Vanessa...a Vanessa in progress...I know that I will begin to see my external circumstances start to shift to reflect the changes that have taken place within.
There are no resolutions for 2012...no grand statements about what I'm going to accomplish or how I'm going to do things differently. As I move into 2012 all I know is that I'm going to take it one moment at a time, give the best of myself in each of those moments and know that if I do that the best will always come back to me. And that's all any of us ever really have to do.
I hope all of you are ending 2011 on a high note and that you are filled with love and hope going into 2012. Wishing you all a very happy New Year!
Much love,
Vanessa...in progress.(VIP)
Friday, December 30, 2011
Saturday, November 19, 2011
Letting Go...
For as much transformation as I feel I have gone through since starting this blog over a year ago, every so often I have a setback and feel as though I haven't actually made any progress at all. Intellectually, of course, I know that I have. But in the emotional center of the setback all I can see and feel is where I am in that moment and nothing else that I have accomplished seems to matter.
So here I am, in the emotional center of a setback, yet again. And because I HAVE changed and I HAVE learned a few things on this journey, I know enough that when things start feeling crazy and I'm losing control over my thoughts and feelings, that I need to be still. So, I did that today. I took some time to just quiet my mind, body, and soul. And in that quiet space, there was clarity, as there always is (which makes me wonder why I always wait so long to get still in the first place, but I digress). Of course, I wouldnt say there was clarity about EVERYTHING that I'm dealing with. But there was clarity about one very central issue that I believe does effect everthing else.
What I realized is this...
I just need to LET GO...of EVERYTHING!
The thing is that I HAVE progressed significantly through the past year and a half. I have learned a lot about myself, about life, about others, etc. But as I move forward with each new lesson, I still carry into it all my 'stuff'. And so while there is change and there is improvement, I'm still tethered to my 'stuff' and so there is only so far that I can go and grow.
So...what is my 'stuff'? Well...it's a lot of things.
I have my STORIES - stories about who I was growing up; stories about the things that have happened to me throughout my life; stories about who I am; stories about who I thought I was supposed to grow up to be; etc.
I have my BELIEFS - beliefs about what my role in life is; beliefs about my value; beliefs about what I think I'm worth; beliefs about what I think I deserve; beliefs about who my friends are, etc.
I have my EXPECTATIONS - expectations of my own behavior; expectations of the behavior of family, friends, the world, etc.
I have my JUDGEMENTS - judgements about what is right or wrong; good or bad; acceptable or unacceptable; etc.
The list goes on and on and on...but I think you get the point.
And...what I realized when I allowed myself to be still...was that I am bringing all of this 'stuff' into every situation...consciously and subconsciously. I see everything that happens as it relates to what has happened to me in the past. I see everything from the perspective of who I think I am and the role I'm supposed to play in life. I see everything in the context of whether or not it met my expectations. I see everything as either good or bad or right or wrong. And as a result, I live each experience in my head, with all this 'stuff' swirling around not letting me just experience the moment for what it is.
I know that on some level our 'stuff' is important. We grow through life by what we learn from our experiences. The problem is that the way I interpreted things in the past, before going on this journey, were very much from a place of pain and anger. And so I created this life based on those experiences and the life that surrounds me is reflective of those beliefs and actions. What I'm coming to realize is that there is a part of me that has move beyond that. There is a part of me that now understands life at a higher level and wants to go there. But as I said before, I'm tethered, and I didnt realize until today what was holding me back.
My inner turmoil at the moment comes from the frustration of being in a reality of my own creation that is no longer reflective of who I am or who I am trying to become. I feel as though my current surroundings are not conducive to helping me along the rest of this journey. And so I feel stuck...in part because of my current surroundings as I said...but also stuck because of all my 'stuff' that does not allow me the freedom to break free and just BE...and allow myself to create new stories, beliefs, expectations, judgements, etc. that are born from a place of love and empowerment and strength instead of from pain and anger.
So it is now clear to me that I have to let go of all of it...of everything I believe to be true...about who I think I am...about who I think the people in my life are to me...about what life is supposed to look like. I have to let it all go. And I have to start over. I have to go through each experience with stillness and openness and create a new reality for myself.
And as much as I know that cutting these ties that are holding me back is necessary, I am terrified. As Alanis Morissette says in one of her songs - "These precious illusions in my head did not let me down when I was defenseless. And parting with them is like parting with invisible best friend". I don't know who I am without these illusions. But I know now that they are just illusions and that the time has come to let them go so that I can be who I want to be.
I also know that letting go will also probably result in the loss of a lot of relationships...for many reasons. Some because they will not understand or support the transition that I'm going through. Some because they are relationships that hold me back and so they will just not be able to come on the journey with me. And some because realistically, the only reason they still exist is because I hold on to them so tightly. And I know that once I let go they will likely disappear. But I'm willing to step out into the unknown. It's more than being willing. It's that I MUST. My soul is tearing me apart from the inside out because it will not allow me to be at peace with what is because I am ready for more. Some changes must be made. And I'm finally ready to make them.
So...as I said...step one...is to LET GO...of all of it...
And...step two...is to just be still...and breathe...
To Be Continued...
Much Love,
Vanessa...in progress. (VIP)
So here I am, in the emotional center of a setback, yet again. And because I HAVE changed and I HAVE learned a few things on this journey, I know enough that when things start feeling crazy and I'm losing control over my thoughts and feelings, that I need to be still. So, I did that today. I took some time to just quiet my mind, body, and soul. And in that quiet space, there was clarity, as there always is (which makes me wonder why I always wait so long to get still in the first place, but I digress). Of course, I wouldnt say there was clarity about EVERYTHING that I'm dealing with. But there was clarity about one very central issue that I believe does effect everthing else.
What I realized is this...
I just need to LET GO...of EVERYTHING!
The thing is that I HAVE progressed significantly through the past year and a half. I have learned a lot about myself, about life, about others, etc. But as I move forward with each new lesson, I still carry into it all my 'stuff'. And so while there is change and there is improvement, I'm still tethered to my 'stuff' and so there is only so far that I can go and grow.
So...what is my 'stuff'? Well...it's a lot of things.
I have my STORIES - stories about who I was growing up; stories about the things that have happened to me throughout my life; stories about who I am; stories about who I thought I was supposed to grow up to be; etc.
I have my BELIEFS - beliefs about what my role in life is; beliefs about my value; beliefs about what I think I'm worth; beliefs about what I think I deserve; beliefs about who my friends are, etc.
I have my EXPECTATIONS - expectations of my own behavior; expectations of the behavior of family, friends, the world, etc.
I have my JUDGEMENTS - judgements about what is right or wrong; good or bad; acceptable or unacceptable; etc.
The list goes on and on and on...but I think you get the point.
And...what I realized when I allowed myself to be still...was that I am bringing all of this 'stuff' into every situation...consciously and subconsciously. I see everything that happens as it relates to what has happened to me in the past. I see everything from the perspective of who I think I am and the role I'm supposed to play in life. I see everything in the context of whether or not it met my expectations. I see everything as either good or bad or right or wrong. And as a result, I live each experience in my head, with all this 'stuff' swirling around not letting me just experience the moment for what it is.
I know that on some level our 'stuff' is important. We grow through life by what we learn from our experiences. The problem is that the way I interpreted things in the past, before going on this journey, were very much from a place of pain and anger. And so I created this life based on those experiences and the life that surrounds me is reflective of those beliefs and actions. What I'm coming to realize is that there is a part of me that has move beyond that. There is a part of me that now understands life at a higher level and wants to go there. But as I said before, I'm tethered, and I didnt realize until today what was holding me back.
My inner turmoil at the moment comes from the frustration of being in a reality of my own creation that is no longer reflective of who I am or who I am trying to become. I feel as though my current surroundings are not conducive to helping me along the rest of this journey. And so I feel stuck...in part because of my current surroundings as I said...but also stuck because of all my 'stuff' that does not allow me the freedom to break free and just BE...and allow myself to create new stories, beliefs, expectations, judgements, etc. that are born from a place of love and empowerment and strength instead of from pain and anger.
So it is now clear to me that I have to let go of all of it...of everything I believe to be true...about who I think I am...about who I think the people in my life are to me...about what life is supposed to look like. I have to let it all go. And I have to start over. I have to go through each experience with stillness and openness and create a new reality for myself.
And as much as I know that cutting these ties that are holding me back is necessary, I am terrified. As Alanis Morissette says in one of her songs - "These precious illusions in my head did not let me down when I was defenseless. And parting with them is like parting with invisible best friend". I don't know who I am without these illusions. But I know now that they are just illusions and that the time has come to let them go so that I can be who I want to be.
I also know that letting go will also probably result in the loss of a lot of relationships...for many reasons. Some because they will not understand or support the transition that I'm going through. Some because they are relationships that hold me back and so they will just not be able to come on the journey with me. And some because realistically, the only reason they still exist is because I hold on to them so tightly. And I know that once I let go they will likely disappear. But I'm willing to step out into the unknown. It's more than being willing. It's that I MUST. My soul is tearing me apart from the inside out because it will not allow me to be at peace with what is because I am ready for more. Some changes must be made. And I'm finally ready to make them.
So...as I said...step one...is to LET GO...of all of it...
And...step two...is to just be still...and breathe...
To Be Continued...
Much Love,
Vanessa...in progress. (VIP)
Sunday, October 9, 2011
Greatness is not for a chosen few...
For most of my life I have longed for something great...for something beyond me...beyond the life I was living day to day. I never seemed to want what everyone else around me wanted and I always felt that I was never satisfied by the things that seem to satisfy others. I believed that I was crazy for feeling this way and that I should just learn to accept my reality and find a way to be content with it. Who was I to long for greatness? I was just Vanessa. Greatness...I came to believe...was reserved for 'special' people. I was just meant to be one of the mediocre masses just floating through life and making the best of it.
This belief forced me to give in and give up on ever trying to be more. At a very early age I gave up on my dreams and learned accept my current reality. But the longing never left and continued to burn deep inside.
I think that many times through the years I tried to satisfy that yearning by doing things that would provide me with temporary excitment and thrills to distract me from the reality that I desired more. The distraction worked for a while but after several years, even those behaviors stopped providing gratification of any kind and the emptiness persisted.
Since I've been on this journey of looking inward, nourishing my soul and trying to get to know myself all over again I've realized that I've been very wrong for very long. Not only have I realized that the desire for more will never go away, I have also realized that it won't go away because it knows better than me. I've come to realize that the burning desire inside of me knows that I am in fact meant for greatness. We all are. It is not something that is meant for a chosen few. It is something that WE must choose for ourselves. And in choosing it, we must then believe it is possible and pursue it without hesitation or doubt!
This is the space that I am currently in. I have finally come to the point where I am no longer willing to ignore the voice inside me that has been screaming for more. I am no longer willing to accept that it is not possible for me to acheive each and every dream that my mind can conceive. I am no longer willing to allow my fears of failure, judgement, rejection or denial stand in the way of my acheivement of ANYTHING. From the space I am currently in I KNOW that I am ready, willing and able to do anything my heart desires. Every fiber of my being is now pushing me forward and not allowing me to settle for anything less than amazing. I now KNOW that what I thought was impossible is not only possible...but it is in fact...alreay mine. I only have to go and claim it.
I also know now that every moment of my life until now has been preparing me for THIS moment. I know that every difficulty and blessing that I have experienced ahs been building in me the wisdom, skills, drive, perseverence, etc. that I would need to capitalize on this moment and catapult myself into a realm of success that I would have never before dreamed was possible for me.
I have made up my mind. I am moving full steam ahead into the realm of all of my wildest dreams. I am ready to encounter whatever the journey may bring and to use every experience as an oppportunity for further growth.
I will not be deterred. I have a vision. And I'm making it happen!
Watch me...
Much love...
Vanessa...in progress. (VIP)
This belief forced me to give in and give up on ever trying to be more. At a very early age I gave up on my dreams and learned accept my current reality. But the longing never left and continued to burn deep inside.
I think that many times through the years I tried to satisfy that yearning by doing things that would provide me with temporary excitment and thrills to distract me from the reality that I desired more. The distraction worked for a while but after several years, even those behaviors stopped providing gratification of any kind and the emptiness persisted.
Since I've been on this journey of looking inward, nourishing my soul and trying to get to know myself all over again I've realized that I've been very wrong for very long. Not only have I realized that the desire for more will never go away, I have also realized that it won't go away because it knows better than me. I've come to realize that the burning desire inside of me knows that I am in fact meant for greatness. We all are. It is not something that is meant for a chosen few. It is something that WE must choose for ourselves. And in choosing it, we must then believe it is possible and pursue it without hesitation or doubt!
This is the space that I am currently in. I have finally come to the point where I am no longer willing to ignore the voice inside me that has been screaming for more. I am no longer willing to accept that it is not possible for me to acheive each and every dream that my mind can conceive. I am no longer willing to allow my fears of failure, judgement, rejection or denial stand in the way of my acheivement of ANYTHING. From the space I am currently in I KNOW that I am ready, willing and able to do anything my heart desires. Every fiber of my being is now pushing me forward and not allowing me to settle for anything less than amazing. I now KNOW that what I thought was impossible is not only possible...but it is in fact...alreay mine. I only have to go and claim it.
I also know now that every moment of my life until now has been preparing me for THIS moment. I know that every difficulty and blessing that I have experienced ahs been building in me the wisdom, skills, drive, perseverence, etc. that I would need to capitalize on this moment and catapult myself into a realm of success that I would have never before dreamed was possible for me.
I have made up my mind. I am moving full steam ahead into the realm of all of my wildest dreams. I am ready to encounter whatever the journey may bring and to use every experience as an oppportunity for further growth.
I will not be deterred. I have a vision. And I'm making it happen!
Watch me...
Much love...
Vanessa...in progress. (VIP)
Sunday, August 28, 2011
Friend or Foe?
Friends have always been a very important part of my life. I was never very trusting of people and it took a lot for me to let someone in to my inner circle. But...once they were in I gave them 150% of myself. I was honest, loyal, loving, caring, supportive, etc. And...I expected the same in return. Often, I didnt get it. But...they were my friends. So regardless, I maintained my loyalty to the relationships and continually worked through the rough spots. Many times I felt like I was the only one working.
I have always felt that being a good friend was one of my best qualities. That's not to say that I think I was flawless at it. Looking back on the years, I know that I could be pretty judgmental, demanding, bitchy, crazy, and draining at times. And I'm forever grateful to those friends of mine that stuck through all of that. I dont know what I would have done without them. But, I also know what I gave to them. As I said before, I was beyond loyal. I went out of my way to celebrate them and give them love. During rough times, I tried my best to be there for them and support them. And as the years passed, and we got older, I made a point of reaching out to them and maintaining the relationship. I know that there are many important friendships in my life that would not exist today if I were not the one to continually reach out.
Many of my friendships have been great, with the occassional rough spot here and there...as is to be expected in relationships. But many of them have been difficult and draining. But, my philosphy at the time was that once you were in my inner circle you were there for life no matter what. And of course, this has caused a lot of unnecessary drama and difficulty in my life throughout the years.
I think its really only been in this last year of major transition that I've really figured out that it doesnt have to be like that...nor should it. I've realized that all that energy and focus that I was putting on giving unconditional love and support to my 'friends' and maintaining those relationships was better spent on giving those things to MYSELF. I realized that I had to first fill my cup before I could fill anyone else's. I realized that in order for me to REALLY be as good of a friend as I wanted to be...a friend without the demands and judgements...among other things...I needed to first fully be me. And so I turned the focus and energy inward and began to restructure my life.
And...then...an incredible thing happened. The more I learned to REALLY love and accept myself...and fully step in to who I am...the clearer I was able to see the different relationships in my life. It became extremely clear which relationships nurtured me...strengthened me...lifted me up...supported me...and brought out the best in me. It became EXTREMELY clear which relationships drained me...weakened me...brought me down...made me question myself...and prevented me from growing and being ME. And it became extremely clear that those negative relationships were standing in the way of me being happy.
The problem was that the 'old' Vanessa either liked you or hated you. There was no in between. So what should I do now that I felt I needed to sever some of these relationships but at the same time felt some inner conflict about letting them go because we had shared some good times through the years...and I had always believed we would be friends to the end...no matter what.
Long story short...I've learned that the most important thing is to be a good friend to yourself and that nothing and noone should interefere with that. Those that bring positive energy to your life...make you feel good...encourage you to be the best that you can be...and leave you feeling energized and happy...are the realtionships that you need to keep close to you and share the best of yourself with. Those that can't see and appreciate all that you are...bring negative energy into your life...and leave you feeling depleted and down...need to be kept at a healthy distance. Sometimes its not possible to completely delete them from your lives because of the surrounding circumstances. But you can keep them at a healthy distance while still sending them love and appreciating the place they once had in your life.
At the end of the day the way you treat yourself...and the people and energy that you allow to surround you will dictate the quality of your life and the level of your happiness. There is no reason to be unhappy. And there is no reason to invest time or energy in people that don't invest in you and lift you up. Besides, you need to save that energy to invest in yourself and the relationships that DO invest back in you and lift you up. And...I promise...once you start doing that...more and more positive people start showing up in your life and the happier and better you become.
So...to everyone that has been a friend at some point in my life...thanks for the good times. To those that I needed to pull away from...I send you love and wish you nothing but the best. And to those that are still around and I now keep close...thank you for helping bring out the best in me!
Much Love...to all...
Vanessa...in progress. (VIP)
I have always felt that being a good friend was one of my best qualities. That's not to say that I think I was flawless at it. Looking back on the years, I know that I could be pretty judgmental, demanding, bitchy, crazy, and draining at times. And I'm forever grateful to those friends of mine that stuck through all of that. I dont know what I would have done without them. But, I also know what I gave to them. As I said before, I was beyond loyal. I went out of my way to celebrate them and give them love. During rough times, I tried my best to be there for them and support them. And as the years passed, and we got older, I made a point of reaching out to them and maintaining the relationship. I know that there are many important friendships in my life that would not exist today if I were not the one to continually reach out.
Many of my friendships have been great, with the occassional rough spot here and there...as is to be expected in relationships. But many of them have been difficult and draining. But, my philosphy at the time was that once you were in my inner circle you were there for life no matter what. And of course, this has caused a lot of unnecessary drama and difficulty in my life throughout the years.
I think its really only been in this last year of major transition that I've really figured out that it doesnt have to be like that...nor should it. I've realized that all that energy and focus that I was putting on giving unconditional love and support to my 'friends' and maintaining those relationships was better spent on giving those things to MYSELF. I realized that I had to first fill my cup before I could fill anyone else's. I realized that in order for me to REALLY be as good of a friend as I wanted to be...a friend without the demands and judgements...among other things...I needed to first fully be me. And so I turned the focus and energy inward and began to restructure my life.
And...then...an incredible thing happened. The more I learned to REALLY love and accept myself...and fully step in to who I am...the clearer I was able to see the different relationships in my life. It became extremely clear which relationships nurtured me...strengthened me...lifted me up...supported me...and brought out the best in me. It became EXTREMELY clear which relationships drained me...weakened me...brought me down...made me question myself...and prevented me from growing and being ME. And it became extremely clear that those negative relationships were standing in the way of me being happy.
The problem was that the 'old' Vanessa either liked you or hated you. There was no in between. So what should I do now that I felt I needed to sever some of these relationships but at the same time felt some inner conflict about letting them go because we had shared some good times through the years...and I had always believed we would be friends to the end...no matter what.
Long story short...I've learned that the most important thing is to be a good friend to yourself and that nothing and noone should interefere with that. Those that bring positive energy to your life...make you feel good...encourage you to be the best that you can be...and leave you feeling energized and happy...are the realtionships that you need to keep close to you and share the best of yourself with. Those that can't see and appreciate all that you are...bring negative energy into your life...and leave you feeling depleted and down...need to be kept at a healthy distance. Sometimes its not possible to completely delete them from your lives because of the surrounding circumstances. But you can keep them at a healthy distance while still sending them love and appreciating the place they once had in your life.
At the end of the day the way you treat yourself...and the people and energy that you allow to surround you will dictate the quality of your life and the level of your happiness. There is no reason to be unhappy. And there is no reason to invest time or energy in people that don't invest in you and lift you up. Besides, you need to save that energy to invest in yourself and the relationships that DO invest back in you and lift you up. And...I promise...once you start doing that...more and more positive people start showing up in your life and the happier and better you become.
So...to everyone that has been a friend at some point in my life...thanks for the good times. To those that I needed to pull away from...I send you love and wish you nothing but the best. And to those that are still around and I now keep close...thank you for helping bring out the best in me!
Much Love...to all...
Vanessa...in progress. (VIP)
Saturday, July 23, 2011
To all the men I've 'loved' before...
First of all let me clarify the word love in this context...
At this point in my life I feel like I can truly say that I have never known REAL love. I have come to a place in my life that I believe that REAL love (at least the kind of love I'm looking for)requires both people be open and honest and able to give and receive from a place of wholeness. I believe that only from that place can a real exchange and sharing of love take place. I know that I have never been in that place before where I was able to offer myself in that way. And I know that I have never been with anyone that was in a place to offer that to me.
That's not to say that those relationships were not real, or special in their own way. They most definitely were. But...when I say love...in this sense...I mean the love you feel for someone just because they are a fellow human being...because you shared a period of time with them that was special in some way...and because in my own way I gave of myself to them in the best way that I knew how...at that moment in my life.
I also say love...because today...I realize how necessary they each were to my internal evolution. I know that each and every one of them taught me something about what I want...what I don't want...and whether I realized it at the moment or not...the time spent with them taught me things about myself which over time have collectively lead to the place I am today. So while once I may have been bitter and angry and felt regret about the having wasted my time in a relationship that ended badly or with someone that I felt wasn't worth my time and energy in the end...I realize now that each one of them has played an important role in my life and I wouldnt be me...without them.
So...given all of that...this is sort of my 'love letter' to each of them...thanking them for the important role they each played in my life...and the lessons it taught me.
To Mr. Love #1
Since the moment I laid eyes on you, you were my everything. You are the one that the rest have all been compared to. I have never again felt that pure and open love with no boundaries. You taught me about my own incredible capacity to love and that what I want is a friend with who I have deep and special connection. And even though life took its turns and for many reasons we could no longer be together, you also taught me that that love like that never ends. And even though you are no longer with us, I still carry you in my heart every day and you are with me wherever I go.
To Mr. Love #2
To this day I dont think that any man has ever loved me with the level of intensity and honesty that you did and for as long as you did. It wasn't until recently that I realized what kept drawing me back to you all of these years. It was the certainty of you. I was certain that you loved me. I was certain that you would be there. In an uncertain world...certainty can become very intoxicating. But we got to a point where I couldnt handle us anymore. The honesty became too raw for me. Even though I know that honesty helped me in the long run and has been the catalyst to some significant transformation in my life...it got too hard for me. I didn't feel safe anymore. Our relationship taught me that I do want to be with someone I can feel secure with and depend on and whose love I am certain of...but I also realized that it needs to be a space where I can be me...always...in progress...and not feel constantly judged or corrected for being flawed. I need to feel free to trip and fall and figure things out for myself and to know that I will still be loved through all of it. So...even though we had to eventually part ways...again...I know I would not be me...without you. I thank you for loving me so much...and for the gift of that special love and connection that only we could understand. I will always wonder...what if...
To Mr. Love #3
You were definitely different from the rest of them...in so many ways. You were my first 'good guy'. We really had something good that I think I just wasn't ready for and couldn't fully appreciate at the time. And...really...I just wasn't the one for you. You loved me...but you always wanted me to be just a little bit different...and I wasn't...and would never be. I have nothing but good thoughts and memories of us. But I also know that we had to go our seperate ways or we would have ended up very unhappy. You taught me that I want to be with someone that loves me for who I am...just the way I am. But no matter what we always treated each other with love and respect and that will always give you a special place in my heart.
To Mr. Love #4
You were the right guy at the right time. Boy...did we had some good times. You were my sweet escape. We were all fun...nothing serious. And that was exactly what we both wanted from each other. It worked out perfectly. In a way I think that our time together brought me back to life...and got me back in touch with parts of myself that I had forgotten. Nothing but smiles whenever I think of you. As a matter of fact...whenever I think of you I get the urge to track you down. But I know that that was a different time and we wouldnt work like that anymore. But it was perfect while it lasted. Thank you for reminding me that its important to just have fun. You taught me that I want to be with someone who I can get lost with in pure bliss. But you also taught me that when it's time to get found...the person you're with has to want to get found too. You weren't that guy...and that's cool. It doesnt take away from any of the fun we had. You definitely rocked my world!
To Mr. Love #5
I almost hesitate to even write anything about you. Thinking about us is still so difficult. Not because it was bad...but just because there are still many questions left unanswered and issues unresolved...and there is nothing I can do about it. What I know for sure is that the time we shared taught me that I want to be with someone I can laugh with...and someone that has a good heart...like you did. But you also taught me that I need someone that that I can count on and rely on...and you couldn't be that guy. Our short time together also taught me important lessons about family, friends, life and death. The world has definitely not been the same without you...and I'm extremely grateful for having had the opportunity to know you. Thanks for the good times and for leaving me with a new group of extended family and friends.
To Mr. Love #6
Well...my life was really never the same again after you. This one is pretty complicated so I'll sum it up by saying...that I know now that you were a necessary part of my life. My time with you made me question everything about myself. I became a shell of a human being and was completely lost for a long time..and I was angry about it for a LONG time. But after fighting my way back to myself I have realized what a tremendous gift you were in my life. As crazy as our 'relationship' was (if we can even really call it a relationship) it was the 'rock bottom' that I needed to hit in order to stop making some of the really bad decisions I was making, get serious about my life...and recreate myself. And as difficult as the whole thing was I wouldnt change it for a moment...especially because it gave me the greatest gift that life could ever give me - my daughter! And she has been the motivation for everything good I have done since she was born. So...thank you for forcing me to hit my reset button and for the gift of my daughter...which has brought me the greatest joy and been my guiding light through life.
To Mr. Love #7
Really...you shouldn't even be in this list of men because we didnt even really have a relationship. And you, yourself, were not all that significant in my life. But our very brief exchange taught me so much about myself that I felt that it was important to include it in this list. In so many ways you were my full circle moment. In some way, shape or form, our time together kicked up all of the insecurities and fears that I had developed over time. But it was the missing piece for me. In many ways it was the period at the end of a very long sentence. It allowed me to finally step into myself in how I relate to men. It allowed me to finally let go of all of those insecurities and fears and begin an adventure of self discovery that would prove to completely transform me as a person. This experience taught me that I'm finally ready for a 'good guy' but he has to actually BE a good guy and not just be acting like one. You taught me that I won't settle for anything less than a man for which honesty and integrity are a top priority. The most important lessons I learned were that true strength is found in learning to be vulnerable...that I alone know what is right for me...that I CAN trust my own judgement...that I WILL act in my best interest when I allow myself to...and that I am ready....and those lessons have made all the difference in my life. So...while you were the least significant 'relationship'...I still owe you the biggest thank you.
While there were others in between the 'SUPER SEVEN' these are the ones that I feel had the greatest impact and taught me the greatest lessons that have transformed my life
As I said in the beginning...today...I know who I am...I know what I bring to the table...I'm ready to bring it to the table with openness and love and confidence...I know what I want...I know I have the ability to recognize it and embrace it when I find it...and that I have the strength of character and self worth to walk away when I know it's not right. And regardless of if or when I find it...I am already complete and have everything I need.
So...again...to all the men I've 'loved' before...and to all of you...
Thanks...and much love.
Vanessa...in progress. (VIP)
At this point in my life I feel like I can truly say that I have never known REAL love. I have come to a place in my life that I believe that REAL love (at least the kind of love I'm looking for)requires both people be open and honest and able to give and receive from a place of wholeness. I believe that only from that place can a real exchange and sharing of love take place. I know that I have never been in that place before where I was able to offer myself in that way. And I know that I have never been with anyone that was in a place to offer that to me.
That's not to say that those relationships were not real, or special in their own way. They most definitely were. But...when I say love...in this sense...I mean the love you feel for someone just because they are a fellow human being...because you shared a period of time with them that was special in some way...and because in my own way I gave of myself to them in the best way that I knew how...at that moment in my life.
I also say love...because today...I realize how necessary they each were to my internal evolution. I know that each and every one of them taught me something about what I want...what I don't want...and whether I realized it at the moment or not...the time spent with them taught me things about myself which over time have collectively lead to the place I am today. So while once I may have been bitter and angry and felt regret about the having wasted my time in a relationship that ended badly or with someone that I felt wasn't worth my time and energy in the end...I realize now that each one of them has played an important role in my life and I wouldnt be me...without them.
So...given all of that...this is sort of my 'love letter' to each of them...thanking them for the important role they each played in my life...and the lessons it taught me.
To Mr. Love #1
Since the moment I laid eyes on you, you were my everything. You are the one that the rest have all been compared to. I have never again felt that pure and open love with no boundaries. You taught me about my own incredible capacity to love and that what I want is a friend with who I have deep and special connection. And even though life took its turns and for many reasons we could no longer be together, you also taught me that that love like that never ends. And even though you are no longer with us, I still carry you in my heart every day and you are with me wherever I go.
To Mr. Love #2
To this day I dont think that any man has ever loved me with the level of intensity and honesty that you did and for as long as you did. It wasn't until recently that I realized what kept drawing me back to you all of these years. It was the certainty of you. I was certain that you loved me. I was certain that you would be there. In an uncertain world...certainty can become very intoxicating. But we got to a point where I couldnt handle us anymore. The honesty became too raw for me. Even though I know that honesty helped me in the long run and has been the catalyst to some significant transformation in my life...it got too hard for me. I didn't feel safe anymore. Our relationship taught me that I do want to be with someone I can feel secure with and depend on and whose love I am certain of...but I also realized that it needs to be a space where I can be me...always...in progress...and not feel constantly judged or corrected for being flawed. I need to feel free to trip and fall and figure things out for myself and to know that I will still be loved through all of it. So...even though we had to eventually part ways...again...I know I would not be me...without you. I thank you for loving me so much...and for the gift of that special love and connection that only we could understand. I will always wonder...what if...
To Mr. Love #3
You were definitely different from the rest of them...in so many ways. You were my first 'good guy'. We really had something good that I think I just wasn't ready for and couldn't fully appreciate at the time. And...really...I just wasn't the one for you. You loved me...but you always wanted me to be just a little bit different...and I wasn't...and would never be. I have nothing but good thoughts and memories of us. But I also know that we had to go our seperate ways or we would have ended up very unhappy. You taught me that I want to be with someone that loves me for who I am...just the way I am. But no matter what we always treated each other with love and respect and that will always give you a special place in my heart.
To Mr. Love #4
You were the right guy at the right time. Boy...did we had some good times. You were my sweet escape. We were all fun...nothing serious. And that was exactly what we both wanted from each other. It worked out perfectly. In a way I think that our time together brought me back to life...and got me back in touch with parts of myself that I had forgotten. Nothing but smiles whenever I think of you. As a matter of fact...whenever I think of you I get the urge to track you down. But I know that that was a different time and we wouldnt work like that anymore. But it was perfect while it lasted. Thank you for reminding me that its important to just have fun. You taught me that I want to be with someone who I can get lost with in pure bliss. But you also taught me that when it's time to get found...the person you're with has to want to get found too. You weren't that guy...and that's cool. It doesnt take away from any of the fun we had. You definitely rocked my world!
To Mr. Love #5
I almost hesitate to even write anything about you. Thinking about us is still so difficult. Not because it was bad...but just because there are still many questions left unanswered and issues unresolved...and there is nothing I can do about it. What I know for sure is that the time we shared taught me that I want to be with someone I can laugh with...and someone that has a good heart...like you did. But you also taught me that I need someone that that I can count on and rely on...and you couldn't be that guy. Our short time together also taught me important lessons about family, friends, life and death. The world has definitely not been the same without you...and I'm extremely grateful for having had the opportunity to know you. Thanks for the good times and for leaving me with a new group of extended family and friends.
To Mr. Love #6
Well...my life was really never the same again after you. This one is pretty complicated so I'll sum it up by saying...that I know now that you were a necessary part of my life. My time with you made me question everything about myself. I became a shell of a human being and was completely lost for a long time..and I was angry about it for a LONG time. But after fighting my way back to myself I have realized what a tremendous gift you were in my life. As crazy as our 'relationship' was (if we can even really call it a relationship) it was the 'rock bottom' that I needed to hit in order to stop making some of the really bad decisions I was making, get serious about my life...and recreate myself. And as difficult as the whole thing was I wouldnt change it for a moment...especially because it gave me the greatest gift that life could ever give me - my daughter! And she has been the motivation for everything good I have done since she was born. So...thank you for forcing me to hit my reset button and for the gift of my daughter...which has brought me the greatest joy and been my guiding light through life.
To Mr. Love #7
Really...you shouldn't even be in this list of men because we didnt even really have a relationship. And you, yourself, were not all that significant in my life. But our very brief exchange taught me so much about myself that I felt that it was important to include it in this list. In so many ways you were my full circle moment. In some way, shape or form, our time together kicked up all of the insecurities and fears that I had developed over time. But it was the missing piece for me. In many ways it was the period at the end of a very long sentence. It allowed me to finally step into myself in how I relate to men. It allowed me to finally let go of all of those insecurities and fears and begin an adventure of self discovery that would prove to completely transform me as a person. This experience taught me that I'm finally ready for a 'good guy' but he has to actually BE a good guy and not just be acting like one. You taught me that I won't settle for anything less than a man for which honesty and integrity are a top priority. The most important lessons I learned were that true strength is found in learning to be vulnerable...that I alone know what is right for me...that I CAN trust my own judgement...that I WILL act in my best interest when I allow myself to...and that I am ready....and those lessons have made all the difference in my life. So...while you were the least significant 'relationship'...I still owe you the biggest thank you.
While there were others in between the 'SUPER SEVEN' these are the ones that I feel had the greatest impact and taught me the greatest lessons that have transformed my life
As I said in the beginning...today...I know who I am...I know what I bring to the table...I'm ready to bring it to the table with openness and love and confidence...I know what I want...I know I have the ability to recognize it and embrace it when I find it...and that I have the strength of character and self worth to walk away when I know it's not right. And regardless of if or when I find it...I am already complete and have everything I need.
So...again...to all the men I've 'loved' before...and to all of you...
Thanks...and much love.
Vanessa...in progress. (VIP)
Friday, July 15, 2011
It's my birthday...and I'll blog if I want to...
I can't believe it has been a whole year since I started this blog! Happy Birthday to me...and my blog!
I have to say this has very proven to be the BEST year of my entire life...in so many ways.
From making the initial choice to start this journey and put my life out there for all to see...experiencing my daughter go through Kindergarten...getting stuck in a funk which I would later learn would be the key to me turning my entire life around...getting a dog...learning how to be brutally but lovingly honest...learning to truly see and count my blessings...dealing with an extremely brief 'fling' gone 'bad'...rediscovering who I am and being able to reconnect with that...exploring a new way of traveling through life that feels more natural and comfortable and is much more enjoyable and fun...remembering how to respect and honor myself and my emotions...being reminded and inspired to live my best life by dealing with the loss of a loved one...falling madly and unconditionally in love with myself and life even if I'm a little crazy or maybe especially because I'm a little bit crazy...reconnecting with my faith...learning to love and not judge and always strive to be the best me I can be...and finally learning that true stength is found in vulnerability...whew...
And those are just the overarching lessons...inside each one are many small yet impactful lessons that have truly transformed me in a way I would have never thought possible when I started this journey one year ago. And yet...with all that change I know its only the beginning. I know that all I have done is clear out a lot of the cobwebs that were blocking my path...and now with all the cobwebs cleared...and my path wide open and laid out in front of me...I can begin to travel down that path with a steadfast clarity about who I am and who I'm not...what I want and what I dont...what I'm willing to compromise on and what I'm not...and complete confidence in my ability to navigate it all. And I can take that journey with an openness I've never had before to let it all in...knowing that it all has a purpose and I will always be the better for it.
Today I'm celebrating my 37th birthday but in many ways I feel like my life is just beginning. Today I step out...born again...and ready...to take on another year...with a me that seems to be new and born again each and every day...
I can hardly wait to see what experiences are before me...and the lessons they will teach me...and the ways that they will transform me... And I plan to smile and laugh as much as I can along the way.
Thanks so much for taking this ride with me...and I hope you stick around for the rest of it.
Much love...
Vanessa...in progress. (VIP)
I have to say this has very proven to be the BEST year of my entire life...in so many ways.
From making the initial choice to start this journey and put my life out there for all to see...experiencing my daughter go through Kindergarten...getting stuck in a funk which I would later learn would be the key to me turning my entire life around...getting a dog...learning how to be brutally but lovingly honest...learning to truly see and count my blessings...dealing with an extremely brief 'fling' gone 'bad'...rediscovering who I am and being able to reconnect with that...exploring a new way of traveling through life that feels more natural and comfortable and is much more enjoyable and fun...remembering how to respect and honor myself and my emotions...being reminded and inspired to live my best life by dealing with the loss of a loved one...falling madly and unconditionally in love with myself and life even if I'm a little crazy or maybe especially because I'm a little bit crazy...reconnecting with my faith...learning to love and not judge and always strive to be the best me I can be...and finally learning that true stength is found in vulnerability...whew...
And those are just the overarching lessons...inside each one are many small yet impactful lessons that have truly transformed me in a way I would have never thought possible when I started this journey one year ago. And yet...with all that change I know its only the beginning. I know that all I have done is clear out a lot of the cobwebs that were blocking my path...and now with all the cobwebs cleared...and my path wide open and laid out in front of me...I can begin to travel down that path with a steadfast clarity about who I am and who I'm not...what I want and what I dont...what I'm willing to compromise on and what I'm not...and complete confidence in my ability to navigate it all. And I can take that journey with an openness I've never had before to let it all in...knowing that it all has a purpose and I will always be the better for it.
Today I'm celebrating my 37th birthday but in many ways I feel like my life is just beginning. Today I step out...born again...and ready...to take on another year...with a me that seems to be new and born again each and every day...
I can hardly wait to see what experiences are before me...and the lessons they will teach me...and the ways that they will transform me... And I plan to smile and laugh as much as I can along the way.
Thanks so much for taking this ride with me...and I hope you stick around for the rest of it.
Much love...
Vanessa...in progress. (VIP)
Wednesday, July 6, 2011
What I learned from the Casey Anthony story...
From the moment the story hit the news back in 2008 I was captivated...for many reasons. First and foremost little Caylee and my daughter were just a few months apart in age so at the time the story was breaking I kept watching the images of Caylee flash on the screen and then would look back at my own daughter and I would be overwhelmed with many different and sometimes contradictory emotions. Secondly, I too was a single mother and therefore kept trying to put myself in Casey's place and try to understand and relate...but I could not bring myself to comprehend what had happened. I couldnt let go of the story or the gut-wrenching pain that I felt inside when the reality of it all would hit me over and over again in waves.
For months I followed the story intently but after a year or so it faded from the news with the exception of an occassional update and I went back to my life and was eventually able to put it out of my mind.
Then came the trial. I tried to not get sucked in but the image of Caylee's little face all over the screen made it possible for me to turn my head and I got sucked in again. I watched and listened to every day of testimony and then listened more to recaps and opinions in the evening news stories each day. And I...like many others...was shocked...saddened...pained...and in disbelief when I heard the verdict.
However, my intent here is not so much to discuss the outcome of the trial. I have a very strong opinion about it...but I respect others right to have theirs...and I respect the judicial process in our country (although I also have several criticisms of it.) But at the end of it all...when the shock and anger and emotion started to subside a bit...I began to realize that through this process and in part because of it...I had changed.
What I learned from this story...is that we are all human...and all flawed...and are in no position to self-righteously judge anyone. That's not to say that we should not judge the act of murdering a child. I think we can all agree that it is beyond wrong....and when done at the hands of your own mother (which I believe it was) is beyond comprehension. But...I learned that it is not our role in life to judge. I think it was clear to all of us that the Anthony's were a very disfunctional family...but whose family isn't? And yes...maybe there's was a bit more disfunctional than most...but I believe they had a genuine love for each other...Cindy's pain and desperation on that 911 call was real...and let's face it...there has to be a deep rooted love to stand by each other and stay 'in tact' through something as horrible as this. And while I do believe that Casey killed Caylee you see the pictures and videos of them interacting and I just dont feel that those emotions and the happiness that you see in those images is fake. God only knows what happened in Casey's mind that caused her to do this unthinkable act...and none of us can even begin to imagine what it must be like to be any of the Anthony's and have to deal with any of this while also grieving the loss of your grandaughter. And while I strongly...STRONGLY...disgree with the verdict of the jurors...who are we to know what it was like to be sequestered for 6 weeks and sit in their shoes and have to make a decision about some young woman's life...when...while I did think the prosecution had proved their case....the defense was able to legitimately poke some holes in it....and when (and this is my biggest issue at the moment) the people that were selected as jurors in the first place are not really given the proper education, information, training, direction, guidance and instruction to even be able to adequately review and anazlyze the evidence put before them and full and clearly understand the charges or the true definition of reasonable doubt. I think that I will have to spend an entire blog just expressing my issues and concerns with the jury process but again...my point here is just to say that given what it is...who are we to judge them either when we have not walked in their shoes.
As I woke up this morning what I felt was pity and empathy for everyone. Pity that the Anthony's have lost their precious grandaughter and that their lives are forever destroyed and damaged....pity that the jury has to live with the decision that they made...pity that casey is so damaged that she doesnt even seem to be able to comprehend the gift that she had in that little girl...and the magnitude of what she did. I feel pity for those that are reacting with anger and proposed violence...pity that they feel that level of pain but also pity that they dont have a better way of processing it and dealing with it. I could go on and on...but again..my point is that today I feel sadness and just hope and pray for a sense of peace for everyone...especially little Caylee.
And the last and most important thing that I learned is that when I have the impulse to judge another...I try my best (although I still fail at times) to turn it around and use that impulse to judge to make myself better. As I said in the beginning...I too am a single mother with a young daughter...and it isn't always easy balancing a child...work...finances...relationships...the judgement of others...and all the other things life throws at you. And while I know that I am a much better mother than Casey was and am incapable of harming my child in any way...the entire story caused me to check myself to make sure that I was functioning above my own level of judgement. While my sadness for those affected by this persists...it brings me a sense of peace to know that I have used the experience of this tragedy to become a better mother to my daughter and a better person, in general...and that's all that's ever really in our power to do.
Without judgement...
Vanessa...in progress. (VIP)
For months I followed the story intently but after a year or so it faded from the news with the exception of an occassional update and I went back to my life and was eventually able to put it out of my mind.
Then came the trial. I tried to not get sucked in but the image of Caylee's little face all over the screen made it possible for me to turn my head and I got sucked in again. I watched and listened to every day of testimony and then listened more to recaps and opinions in the evening news stories each day. And I...like many others...was shocked...saddened...pained...and in disbelief when I heard the verdict.
However, my intent here is not so much to discuss the outcome of the trial. I have a very strong opinion about it...but I respect others right to have theirs...and I respect the judicial process in our country (although I also have several criticisms of it.) But at the end of it all...when the shock and anger and emotion started to subside a bit...I began to realize that through this process and in part because of it...I had changed.
What I learned from this story...is that we are all human...and all flawed...and are in no position to self-righteously judge anyone. That's not to say that we should not judge the act of murdering a child. I think we can all agree that it is beyond wrong....and when done at the hands of your own mother (which I believe it was) is beyond comprehension. But...I learned that it is not our role in life to judge. I think it was clear to all of us that the Anthony's were a very disfunctional family...but whose family isn't? And yes...maybe there's was a bit more disfunctional than most...but I believe they had a genuine love for each other...Cindy's pain and desperation on that 911 call was real...and let's face it...there has to be a deep rooted love to stand by each other and stay 'in tact' through something as horrible as this. And while I do believe that Casey killed Caylee you see the pictures and videos of them interacting and I just dont feel that those emotions and the happiness that you see in those images is fake. God only knows what happened in Casey's mind that caused her to do this unthinkable act...and none of us can even begin to imagine what it must be like to be any of the Anthony's and have to deal with any of this while also grieving the loss of your grandaughter. And while I strongly...STRONGLY...disgree with the verdict of the jurors...who are we to know what it was like to be sequestered for 6 weeks and sit in their shoes and have to make a decision about some young woman's life...when...while I did think the prosecution had proved their case....the defense was able to legitimately poke some holes in it....and when (and this is my biggest issue at the moment) the people that were selected as jurors in the first place are not really given the proper education, information, training, direction, guidance and instruction to even be able to adequately review and anazlyze the evidence put before them and full and clearly understand the charges or the true definition of reasonable doubt. I think that I will have to spend an entire blog just expressing my issues and concerns with the jury process but again...my point here is just to say that given what it is...who are we to judge them either when we have not walked in their shoes.
As I woke up this morning what I felt was pity and empathy for everyone. Pity that the Anthony's have lost their precious grandaughter and that their lives are forever destroyed and damaged....pity that the jury has to live with the decision that they made...pity that casey is so damaged that she doesnt even seem to be able to comprehend the gift that she had in that little girl...and the magnitude of what she did. I feel pity for those that are reacting with anger and proposed violence...pity that they feel that level of pain but also pity that they dont have a better way of processing it and dealing with it. I could go on and on...but again..my point is that today I feel sadness and just hope and pray for a sense of peace for everyone...especially little Caylee.
And the last and most important thing that I learned is that when I have the impulse to judge another...I try my best (although I still fail at times) to turn it around and use that impulse to judge to make myself better. As I said in the beginning...I too am a single mother with a young daughter...and it isn't always easy balancing a child...work...finances...relationships...the judgement of others...and all the other things life throws at you. And while I know that I am a much better mother than Casey was and am incapable of harming my child in any way...the entire story caused me to check myself to make sure that I was functioning above my own level of judgement. While my sadness for those affected by this persists...it brings me a sense of peace to know that I have used the experience of this tragedy to become a better mother to my daughter and a better person, in general...and that's all that's ever really in our power to do.
Without judgement...
Vanessa...in progress. (VIP)
Sunday, May 1, 2011
Journey back to Faith...
The story of my Faith has taken many turns throughout the years. I started out a good little Catholic girl. I was born and raised Catholic and went to Catholic school most of my early life. I read the Bible, prayed the rosary, went to church, etc. I had even briefly considered devoting my life to God and becoming a nun because of how much I admired the devotion of the nuns at my school. I enjoyed the ritual and ceremony of the holidays and sacraments and took them all very seriously.
Then sometime in my early high school years I started questioning everthing about life...not just my faith. I began making a point of digging deeper and trying to understand the reason and logic behind everything. Obviously a huge part of that included questioning my faith. I began to do some self study and exploration to attempt to connect the dots a little better and in that process realized there were some aspects of Catholicism that did not sit right with me. So I began to just sort of ignore the elments that I did not like and continued to embrace those I did.
A few years later, the picking and choosing of what I did and didn't like didnt began to not sit well with me either. I felt that if I so strongly disagreed with some critical elements of Catholicism then I had to question all of it and not just accept the parts that I liked and was comfortable with. At that point, out of confusion and frustration I walked away from Catholicism as a whole and decided to just be 'spiritual'...whatever that meant. I belived in God and an afterlife of some sort but was unclear about the details and that was ok with me for the moment. I still belived in something and still prayed and that satisfied me...for a while.
Then...after several difficult events in my life I began to question the existance of God altogether. It began to feel like there was nothing divine, no rhyme or reason, the bad seemed to always outweigh the good, etc. I began to believe that Religion, Spirituality, God, etc. were all something people created to control each other and at the same time make people more comfortable with the concept of death. At that point I decided that none of what I had ever believed was true and nothing divine actually existed. What we currently had before us was all there was and we had to make the most out of it.
Then...again...after a few more years and significant events in my life I began to question the nothingness that I had come to accept. At that point...again...confused and frustrated...I decided that I didn't know if there was a God or not or life after death, etc. All I knew was that I wanted to be a good person and hopefully whether or not I believed in something wouldnt matter as long as I lived a good life. So that became my new way of thinking. Regardless of what was or wasnt...what was important was being a good person and living a good life...and so...with some level of satisfaction I continued on that belief track for a while.
Throughout all those years of questioning and confusion I researched many religions and explored several faiths. They all had things I liked and could accept....but they also all had things that didnt sit right with me. So my beliefs kept changing and I kept searching...all the while trying to just be a good person. But...something was always missing. I couldnt never quite put my finger on it but there always seemed to be a void. But, since I didnt know what it was or how to address it I just ignored it and continued on living my life as best I could.
Several months ago I set out on a mission to live my life out in the open...flaws and all...in an attempt to rediscover my true self. There have been many ups and downs but overall the journey has been awesome and revealing! And the biggest surprise of all has been that during this process not only have I rediscovered myself and gotten back in touch with the essence of who I am as a person...but I have also, and probably more importantly, gotten back in touch with my Faith.
I'm still unclear on the 'details' of what I believe...and perhaps there are no details to be had. It doesnt matter. What matters is that I believe...in something...that fills me...and guides me...and brings me peace...and just feels right. And each and every day...that 'something'...guides me and helps me to be a better person.
The long story made short on how I arrived at my new faith is that as I started on my journey to life a more authentic and happy life I decided to study those around me (both famous and not...but all successful in their own way) that I admired. Throughout my life I have encountered several people that have had traits that I truly admired and spoke to me. When I stopped to really think about it I realized that there was a common theme to those traits I admired. I also started realizing that part of what caught my eye about these traits was that I too had them at one time in my life at some level...and over time for one reason or another I had lost them. I realized that I identified and admired these common traits in others because I missed them in myself and this was part of my wake up call to get back in touch with those aspects of myself that had been muted over the years.
It was this process that led me back to my faith. Because as I studied the lives, traits and aspects of life off those I admired I also noticed that they also all had something else in common...their Faith. While they were not all necessarily of the same Faith they all had a deep Faith that guided their lives and regarless of what it was, there were some common beliefs/themes throughout all of them such as:
- We are all ONE. We are all connected.
- God (by whatever name you call Him) = LOVE
- We are all here to use our lives to serve a larger purpose than ourselves.
- The answer to everything is LOVE.
The more I studied their lives and their successes I realized 2 important things:
1. It was time I starte to try and emulate and learn from the lives of those I admired and had lives similar to what I wanted for my own life instead of following those around me who were struggling in one way or another just like me.
2. I could not rediscover myself or get back in touch with the essence of me without first reconnecting with God(LOVE) because that IS the essence of me. It's the essence of all of us. We only have to open up to it and allow it to flow.
As I began to have these realizations and learn more....these simple yet all encompassing ideas became my Faith...that drives me and guides me each day. I also learned from those I studied to incorporate many daily life practices into my life to help keep me in this mental and spiritual place which include daily meditation/prayer, journaling, breathing, and yoga among other thins.
Faith is a very personal thing. We each have our own and for some their faith is to believe that this is all there is. I respect each and everyone's personal beliefs and did not write this to put forth the concept that I am right and and those that belief differently are wrong. I simply wish to share my story and spiritual journey...and hope that perhaps in some way my story might help someone else that is struggling with their own spiritual journey.
There is much more to say about faith, my journey and those that contributed to it, how it has changed my life, etc. But those are topics for another day. For now it is enough to say that I believe in LOVE.
Much Love...
Vanessa...in progress. (VIP)
-
Then sometime in my early high school years I started questioning everthing about life...not just my faith. I began making a point of digging deeper and trying to understand the reason and logic behind everything. Obviously a huge part of that included questioning my faith. I began to do some self study and exploration to attempt to connect the dots a little better and in that process realized there were some aspects of Catholicism that did not sit right with me. So I began to just sort of ignore the elments that I did not like and continued to embrace those I did.
A few years later, the picking and choosing of what I did and didn't like didnt began to not sit well with me either. I felt that if I so strongly disagreed with some critical elements of Catholicism then I had to question all of it and not just accept the parts that I liked and was comfortable with. At that point, out of confusion and frustration I walked away from Catholicism as a whole and decided to just be 'spiritual'...whatever that meant. I belived in God and an afterlife of some sort but was unclear about the details and that was ok with me for the moment. I still belived in something and still prayed and that satisfied me...for a while.
Then...after several difficult events in my life I began to question the existance of God altogether. It began to feel like there was nothing divine, no rhyme or reason, the bad seemed to always outweigh the good, etc. I began to believe that Religion, Spirituality, God, etc. were all something people created to control each other and at the same time make people more comfortable with the concept of death. At that point I decided that none of what I had ever believed was true and nothing divine actually existed. What we currently had before us was all there was and we had to make the most out of it.
Then...again...after a few more years and significant events in my life I began to question the nothingness that I had come to accept. At that point...again...confused and frustrated...I decided that I didn't know if there was a God or not or life after death, etc. All I knew was that I wanted to be a good person and hopefully whether or not I believed in something wouldnt matter as long as I lived a good life. So that became my new way of thinking. Regardless of what was or wasnt...what was important was being a good person and living a good life...and so...with some level of satisfaction I continued on that belief track for a while.
Throughout all those years of questioning and confusion I researched many religions and explored several faiths. They all had things I liked and could accept....but they also all had things that didnt sit right with me. So my beliefs kept changing and I kept searching...all the while trying to just be a good person. But...something was always missing. I couldnt never quite put my finger on it but there always seemed to be a void. But, since I didnt know what it was or how to address it I just ignored it and continued on living my life as best I could.
Several months ago I set out on a mission to live my life out in the open...flaws and all...in an attempt to rediscover my true self. There have been many ups and downs but overall the journey has been awesome and revealing! And the biggest surprise of all has been that during this process not only have I rediscovered myself and gotten back in touch with the essence of who I am as a person...but I have also, and probably more importantly, gotten back in touch with my Faith.
I'm still unclear on the 'details' of what I believe...and perhaps there are no details to be had. It doesnt matter. What matters is that I believe...in something...that fills me...and guides me...and brings me peace...and just feels right. And each and every day...that 'something'...guides me and helps me to be a better person.
The long story made short on how I arrived at my new faith is that as I started on my journey to life a more authentic and happy life I decided to study those around me (both famous and not...but all successful in their own way) that I admired. Throughout my life I have encountered several people that have had traits that I truly admired and spoke to me. When I stopped to really think about it I realized that there was a common theme to those traits I admired. I also started realizing that part of what caught my eye about these traits was that I too had them at one time in my life at some level...and over time for one reason or another I had lost them. I realized that I identified and admired these common traits in others because I missed them in myself and this was part of my wake up call to get back in touch with those aspects of myself that had been muted over the years.
It was this process that led me back to my faith. Because as I studied the lives, traits and aspects of life off those I admired I also noticed that they also all had something else in common...their Faith. While they were not all necessarily of the same Faith they all had a deep Faith that guided their lives and regarless of what it was, there were some common beliefs/themes throughout all of them such as:
- We are all ONE. We are all connected.
- God (by whatever name you call Him) = LOVE
- We are all here to use our lives to serve a larger purpose than ourselves.
- The answer to everything is LOVE.
The more I studied their lives and their successes I realized 2 important things:
1. It was time I starte to try and emulate and learn from the lives of those I admired and had lives similar to what I wanted for my own life instead of following those around me who were struggling in one way or another just like me.
2. I could not rediscover myself or get back in touch with the essence of me without first reconnecting with God(LOVE) because that IS the essence of me. It's the essence of all of us. We only have to open up to it and allow it to flow.
As I began to have these realizations and learn more....these simple yet all encompassing ideas became my Faith...that drives me and guides me each day. I also learned from those I studied to incorporate many daily life practices into my life to help keep me in this mental and spiritual place which include daily meditation/prayer, journaling, breathing, and yoga among other thins.
Faith is a very personal thing. We each have our own and for some their faith is to believe that this is all there is. I respect each and everyone's personal beliefs and did not write this to put forth the concept that I am right and and those that belief differently are wrong. I simply wish to share my story and spiritual journey...and hope that perhaps in some way my story might help someone else that is struggling with their own spiritual journey.
There is much more to say about faith, my journey and those that contributed to it, how it has changed my life, etc. But those are topics for another day. For now it is enough to say that I believe in LOVE.
Much Love...
Vanessa...in progress. (VIP)
-
Monday, March 21, 2011
Yeah, I'm crazy...so what?
I have always felt 'different' from everyone around me. Sometimes, even a little embarrassed about the places my mind would go. Everyone else always seemed so 'normal' and I always felt like everyone thought I was crazy. So, over time, I started taking on that perspective and believed that I in fact, was crazy...and everyone else was normal. And...over time I began to tone myself down to appear more 'normal'. Anyone who has known me over the past few years may not feel that I have been 'toned down' at all...but the fact is that I have. The 'real' me is much more 'crazy' than I have allowed myself to be in recent years.
It's only over the past year or so, as I go through this period of self-examination and growth that I realize that I'm no more crazy than anyone else. We are all 'crazy' in our own unique way. And it's precisely that crazy in each of us that makes us special and awesome.
Some people don't have the strength or the freedom to fully express their inner crazy and that really is a shame. But those that can...and do...fully embrace and expres their inner crazy...must lead a truly extraordinary life.
I've probably existed somewhere in the middle...expressing my craziness at times and trying to mute it at others...embracing my quirks but also feeling as though I should be apologetic about them. I have never mastered the fine art of being 100% at peace and comfortable with stepping into ME...completely..and unapologetically.
As I've been going down this road of shining a light inside myself to see what I'm really all about...to find out who I really am at my core when you take away all the ways I've 'changed' myself over the years in reaction to people or situations...to get in touch with who I am when I stop acting out of trying to 'protect' myself from possible future pain...to see who I could really be if I stopped holding myself back...it's through this process that I have begun to realize...that I AM in fact completely crazy...in a perfectly awesome kind of way...and what a shame that I haven't been allowing that crazy uniqueness to guide me through life.
The fact is, I never thought ordinary was for me...but resigned myself a long time ago to believe that that ordinary was the way it had to be. I often tried to compensate by filling my life with false 'excitement' that was really just bad for me. Not only does that not create an extraordinary life...but it actually weakens you and takes you farther and farther away from the life you want.
Well...NO MORE! I have seen the light and I'm finally going to let my crazy self bask in it! It's time to unleash the crazy, beautiful me without hesitation or apology.
I know not everyone will be able to handle an unbridled Vanessa...but thats ok. The only one that needs to like it is me. But I know that those that will be able to truly appreciate and love me and all my craziness will be there...enjoying the ride.
So bring on the crazy! Brace yourselves...
Much love...
Vanessa...in progress. (VIP)
To be nobody but yourself in a world which is doing its best, night and day, to make you everybody else means to fight the hardest battle which any human being can fight; and never stop fighting. e.e. cummings
It's only over the past year or so, as I go through this period of self-examination and growth that I realize that I'm no more crazy than anyone else. We are all 'crazy' in our own unique way. And it's precisely that crazy in each of us that makes us special and awesome.
Some people don't have the strength or the freedom to fully express their inner crazy and that really is a shame. But those that can...and do...fully embrace and expres their inner crazy...must lead a truly extraordinary life.
I've probably existed somewhere in the middle...expressing my craziness at times and trying to mute it at others...embracing my quirks but also feeling as though I should be apologetic about them. I have never mastered the fine art of being 100% at peace and comfortable with stepping into ME...completely..and unapologetically.
As I've been going down this road of shining a light inside myself to see what I'm really all about...to find out who I really am at my core when you take away all the ways I've 'changed' myself over the years in reaction to people or situations...to get in touch with who I am when I stop acting out of trying to 'protect' myself from possible future pain...to see who I could really be if I stopped holding myself back...it's through this process that I have begun to realize...that I AM in fact completely crazy...in a perfectly awesome kind of way...and what a shame that I haven't been allowing that crazy uniqueness to guide me through life.
The fact is, I never thought ordinary was for me...but resigned myself a long time ago to believe that that ordinary was the way it had to be. I often tried to compensate by filling my life with false 'excitement' that was really just bad for me. Not only does that not create an extraordinary life...but it actually weakens you and takes you farther and farther away from the life you want.
Well...NO MORE! I have seen the light and I'm finally going to let my crazy self bask in it! It's time to unleash the crazy, beautiful me without hesitation or apology.
I know not everyone will be able to handle an unbridled Vanessa...but thats ok. The only one that needs to like it is me. But I know that those that will be able to truly appreciate and love me and all my craziness will be there...enjoying the ride.
So bring on the crazy! Brace yourselves...
Much love...
Vanessa...in progress. (VIP)
To be nobody but yourself in a world which is doing its best, night and day, to make you everybody else means to fight the hardest battle which any human being can fight; and never stop fighting. e.e. cummings
Monday, February 14, 2011
Falling in Love...
Valentine's Day is a day to celebrate LOVE.
I've never been a big fan of the holiday...perhaps that's because I was never really and truly in love before so I didn't 'get it' and so I didn't feel that it really pertained to me. Of course, whenever I was in a relationship I did the customary celebrating with my 'other' and some years when I was single I would gather with my other single friends and have our own 'Un-Valentine's Day' celebrations. I always did my best to enjoy the day...because really...I just wanted a reason to have fun! But I never really embraced the concept of the day. Until now...
This year...I get it...
Life...is about LOVE...all kinds of love. Love for yourself first and foremost! Love for life and the gift of just being alive. Love for everything in your life...the good and the bad. The love for other people...those you know and those you dont...those you like...and yes...even those you don't! The love for successes and failures...the big ones and the small ones. All of it...just a big old LOVEFEST...not just today...but EVERY DAY!
For so long I withheld love in so many ways...I only allowed myself to give love to a few select people who I thought deserved it...only loved the 'good' things in life...and even withheld love for myself more times than I care to count. And all that withholding...at the end of the day...came right back to me...because so much of what I wanted in life ended up being withheld from me. But luckily...I have finally figured it out...with a little help from some LOVE-FILLED people that I'm lucky to have in my life.
All of a sudden the fact that I was overwhelmingly surrounded by LOVE (and have always been) became CRYSTAL CLEAR! I had spent so much time and energy through the years staring at the places where things appeared to be 'lacking' that I couldnt see and definitely could not fully appreciate the overflow of love that I have in my life. And now...that my eyes and my heart...have been opened...its as if I can see nothing but love...in everything and everyone...even in...and sometimes ESPECIALLY in...the not so great stuff.
So...today...on Valentine's Day...I declare a NEW life-long LOVEFEST for my life...and everyone and everything around me...and in the process of this LOVEFEST I am finding that I'm getting to know myself in ways that I never took the time to do before...and because of that am falling in LOVE...with MYSELF...and it feels GREAT!
"To love oneself is the beginning of a life-long romance." Oscar Wilde
So HAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY TO ME! And...to you!
BIG HUGS AND MUCH LOVE...
Vanessa...in progress. (VIP)
I've never been a big fan of the holiday...perhaps that's because I was never really and truly in love before so I didn't 'get it' and so I didn't feel that it really pertained to me. Of course, whenever I was in a relationship I did the customary celebrating with my 'other' and some years when I was single I would gather with my other single friends and have our own 'Un-Valentine's Day' celebrations. I always did my best to enjoy the day...because really...I just wanted a reason to have fun! But I never really embraced the concept of the day. Until now...
This year...I get it...
Life...is about LOVE...all kinds of love. Love for yourself first and foremost! Love for life and the gift of just being alive. Love for everything in your life...the good and the bad. The love for other people...those you know and those you dont...those you like...and yes...even those you don't! The love for successes and failures...the big ones and the small ones. All of it...just a big old LOVEFEST...not just today...but EVERY DAY!
For so long I withheld love in so many ways...I only allowed myself to give love to a few select people who I thought deserved it...only loved the 'good' things in life...and even withheld love for myself more times than I care to count. And all that withholding...at the end of the day...came right back to me...because so much of what I wanted in life ended up being withheld from me. But luckily...I have finally figured it out...with a little help from some LOVE-FILLED people that I'm lucky to have in my life.
All of a sudden the fact that I was overwhelmingly surrounded by LOVE (and have always been) became CRYSTAL CLEAR! I had spent so much time and energy through the years staring at the places where things appeared to be 'lacking' that I couldnt see and definitely could not fully appreciate the overflow of love that I have in my life. And now...that my eyes and my heart...have been opened...its as if I can see nothing but love...in everything and everyone...even in...and sometimes ESPECIALLY in...the not so great stuff.
So...today...on Valentine's Day...I declare a NEW life-long LOVEFEST for my life...and everyone and everything around me...and in the process of this LOVEFEST I am finding that I'm getting to know myself in ways that I never took the time to do before...and because of that am falling in LOVE...with MYSELF...and it feels GREAT!
"To love oneself is the beginning of a life-long romance." Oscar Wilde
So HAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY TO ME! And...to you!
BIG HUGS AND MUCH LOVE...
Vanessa...in progress. (VIP)
Saturday, January 29, 2011
Death...and Life.
One of my dearest friends just recently lost her dad. I feel very lucky to have had the honor of getting to know him fairly well over the past few years. He was one of the kindest, happiest and most gentle souls that I have ever had the honor to meet and spend time with...and I know that I am a better person for having known him.
Upon his death, as with all deaths, his friends and family began to reminisce about his life and share stores with eachother that illustrated what a special kind of man he was. I know everyone always recalls the best of people after their death...and if I hadn't known him personally I may have thought that people were just recalling his 'best' moments. But, I know that the stories I was hearing were only scratching the surface and didnt...couldn't...do him justice in attempting to sum up his well lived life and his kind, gentle, and loving nature.
This got me thinking of the many people I have lost in my life...and the various 'stories' that were told about them after they had died. It's always interesting to see what remains in people's memories about someone's life once they are gone...how they are summarized...remembered...recalled. Obviously...all of them had wonderful stories and memories associated with them...but for some there were also those unfortunate blanket statements made - he was always searching for something and was never able to find it; she was always so angry and never learned to just enjoy life; if only he could have learned to appreciate what he had a little more; she never really lived or enjoyed her life...and the list goes on...
As I have contemplated all of this over the past few days I couldnt help but wonder...what stories will be told about me...what will my legacy be... If I died tomorrow...how would I remembered? The thought of it sent a chill down my spine...because I KNOW...that I am not completely LIVING the story I would like told about me when I die. I know that I have never been able to LIVE the story that has ALWAYS been inside of me. I have lived pieces and enjoyed parts and overall I would say that I've managed to create a crazy, fun, dramatic, exciting and memorable existence for myself. But, after all the funny stories are told and the memories of all the crazy and fun things Vanessa said and did are shared...I know the other things that will be said...that must be said...because they are true...the parts that aren't so funny...the parts that were painful...the aspects of life that I struggled with and no one could really help me with...though many tried.
Its not so much the details that are the issue...its not the losses that life threw at me or the struggles that I encountered that are the problem. Many have had just as many stuggles and losses...and more. The real problem...the real tragedy...is the inner struggle and inability to find peace and and grace...through all of it. Yes...maybe I have had a bit more that your average person's share of turmoil...but there are people with much worse circumstances that go through it all with much more peace and grace than I have ever been able to. That peace and grace is something that I have longed for and fought for but has eluded me all my life.
It is now, in this moment, as I mourn this most recent loss, that I can really take that all in and realize that this is not the story that I want told about me. It's not so much about caring what people think about me...I don't care much about that. But what I do care about...what I care about most...are the memories and lessons about life...and how it should be lived...that I leave behind for my daughter. How will she remember me? Also, I care about how people will remember feeling after they spent time with me. I want people to feel happy...positive...renewed...reenergized...excited...hopeful...inspired...etc...whether they spent 5 seconds with me or a lifetime. And while I do hope that at times I have accomplished just that...I know that more times than I would like to admit or accept...I have left people feeling drained...tired...bothered...annoyed...exhausted...frustrated...or worst of all...feeling bad for me...because I can't find peace and grace.
This is not acceptable...and the gift here is that in having been able to see it and acknowledge it...in this way...under these circumstances...I can now do something about it.
While all of life is a journey, for the past year or so I have been on one of the most significant chapters of my journey so far. This has definitely been a year of introspection...and growth...and drastic change. And over the past few months I have experienced a chain of events that have ignited something in me that I have never felt before. I know that I am in the midst of great transformation...so great that I am not even able to comprehend what it will look like when I am on the other side of it...but I know that my life will never be the same again. I know that I am finally breaking free of the stories and the pain and the fears that have been holding me back in so many ways for so very long. It's exciting, confusing and frightening all at once. There are days when I am elated and able to see and celebrate even the smallest change or accomplishment. Then there are days where the magnitude and depth of the shift taking place inside me is too much for me to even handle and I can barely catch my breath. All of it is good. All of it is necessary. All of it is welcome.
But again, from this state of transformation that I have been lingering in for some time now...and probably...hopefully...will continue to be in...successfully and progressively...for the rest of my life...I have been able to mourn the loss of my friend's father and use his life as a source of inspiration to make mine better.
Life is short...and yet long at the same time. We never get it perfect...it's never going to be pain free...but I do believe that we can get to a place where we are able to navigate all of it...the good and the bad...with some peace and grace. I know many of you that may read this don't even understand what I'm talking about because handling life with peace and grace is standard for you and you have never known anything but that. God bless you...really...you will never fully understand what a gift that is if you have always had it. But if you are or have ever been like me, you understand how difficult it is to get there and stay there. Our set point is so far from the mark that everything is a struggle and we often feel like we are being dragged through life and barely surviving.
But I'm done...I know this is my time. I know the events of the past year and months have not been for nothing. I know that my angst and drive to be better and do better are pushing me to go places I've never gone before and learn things I never dreamed could be possible...for me. And because I am open...because I am completely broken open...with no more walls to protect me...and ready...to learn...to receive...to be present...I know that this is one of those pivotal moments where I shed what was and create a new reality for myself...with no limits...no boundaries...and no obstacles. Life was meant to be lived...and I will start each day staying true to my story and living it...fully.
So, a profound thank you to my friend's father for the beautiful life he lead that is now serving as an example and inspiration to me. I am beyond grateful for having been fortunate enough to have known him and learned from him. Everytime he saw me he would tell me "I sure do appreciate ya, Vanessa." He has no idea how those words made me feel every time he said them....the idea that he truly appreciated ME...it brings tears to my eyes just to think about it. Little did he know...that it is ME that sure does appreciate him...and I always will.
RIP...and thank you.
"I can't go back to yesterday, because I was a different person then." ~ Lewis Carroll
Much love,
Vanessa...in progress. (VIP)
Upon his death, as with all deaths, his friends and family began to reminisce about his life and share stores with eachother that illustrated what a special kind of man he was. I know everyone always recalls the best of people after their death...and if I hadn't known him personally I may have thought that people were just recalling his 'best' moments. But, I know that the stories I was hearing were only scratching the surface and didnt...couldn't...do him justice in attempting to sum up his well lived life and his kind, gentle, and loving nature.
This got me thinking of the many people I have lost in my life...and the various 'stories' that were told about them after they had died. It's always interesting to see what remains in people's memories about someone's life once they are gone...how they are summarized...remembered...recalled. Obviously...all of them had wonderful stories and memories associated with them...but for some there were also those unfortunate blanket statements made - he was always searching for something and was never able to find it; she was always so angry and never learned to just enjoy life; if only he could have learned to appreciate what he had a little more; she never really lived or enjoyed her life...and the list goes on...
As I have contemplated all of this over the past few days I couldnt help but wonder...what stories will be told about me...what will my legacy be... If I died tomorrow...how would I remembered? The thought of it sent a chill down my spine...because I KNOW...that I am not completely LIVING the story I would like told about me when I die. I know that I have never been able to LIVE the story that has ALWAYS been inside of me. I have lived pieces and enjoyed parts and overall I would say that I've managed to create a crazy, fun, dramatic, exciting and memorable existence for myself. But, after all the funny stories are told and the memories of all the crazy and fun things Vanessa said and did are shared...I know the other things that will be said...that must be said...because they are true...the parts that aren't so funny...the parts that were painful...the aspects of life that I struggled with and no one could really help me with...though many tried.
Its not so much the details that are the issue...its not the losses that life threw at me or the struggles that I encountered that are the problem. Many have had just as many stuggles and losses...and more. The real problem...the real tragedy...is the inner struggle and inability to find peace and and grace...through all of it. Yes...maybe I have had a bit more that your average person's share of turmoil...but there are people with much worse circumstances that go through it all with much more peace and grace than I have ever been able to. That peace and grace is something that I have longed for and fought for but has eluded me all my life.
It is now, in this moment, as I mourn this most recent loss, that I can really take that all in and realize that this is not the story that I want told about me. It's not so much about caring what people think about me...I don't care much about that. But what I do care about...what I care about most...are the memories and lessons about life...and how it should be lived...that I leave behind for my daughter. How will she remember me? Also, I care about how people will remember feeling after they spent time with me. I want people to feel happy...positive...renewed...reenergized...excited...hopeful...inspired...etc...whether they spent 5 seconds with me or a lifetime. And while I do hope that at times I have accomplished just that...I know that more times than I would like to admit or accept...I have left people feeling drained...tired...bothered...annoyed...exhausted...frustrated...or worst of all...feeling bad for me...because I can't find peace and grace.
This is not acceptable...and the gift here is that in having been able to see it and acknowledge it...in this way...under these circumstances...I can now do something about it.
While all of life is a journey, for the past year or so I have been on one of the most significant chapters of my journey so far. This has definitely been a year of introspection...and growth...and drastic change. And over the past few months I have experienced a chain of events that have ignited something in me that I have never felt before. I know that I am in the midst of great transformation...so great that I am not even able to comprehend what it will look like when I am on the other side of it...but I know that my life will never be the same again. I know that I am finally breaking free of the stories and the pain and the fears that have been holding me back in so many ways for so very long. It's exciting, confusing and frightening all at once. There are days when I am elated and able to see and celebrate even the smallest change or accomplishment. Then there are days where the magnitude and depth of the shift taking place inside me is too much for me to even handle and I can barely catch my breath. All of it is good. All of it is necessary. All of it is welcome.
But again, from this state of transformation that I have been lingering in for some time now...and probably...hopefully...will continue to be in...successfully and progressively...for the rest of my life...I have been able to mourn the loss of my friend's father and use his life as a source of inspiration to make mine better.
Life is short...and yet long at the same time. We never get it perfect...it's never going to be pain free...but I do believe that we can get to a place where we are able to navigate all of it...the good and the bad...with some peace and grace. I know many of you that may read this don't even understand what I'm talking about because handling life with peace and grace is standard for you and you have never known anything but that. God bless you...really...you will never fully understand what a gift that is if you have always had it. But if you are or have ever been like me, you understand how difficult it is to get there and stay there. Our set point is so far from the mark that everything is a struggle and we often feel like we are being dragged through life and barely surviving.
But I'm done...I know this is my time. I know the events of the past year and months have not been for nothing. I know that my angst and drive to be better and do better are pushing me to go places I've never gone before and learn things I never dreamed could be possible...for me. And because I am open...because I am completely broken open...with no more walls to protect me...and ready...to learn...to receive...to be present...I know that this is one of those pivotal moments where I shed what was and create a new reality for myself...with no limits...no boundaries...and no obstacles. Life was meant to be lived...and I will start each day staying true to my story and living it...fully.
So, a profound thank you to my friend's father for the beautiful life he lead that is now serving as an example and inspiration to me. I am beyond grateful for having been fortunate enough to have known him and learned from him. Everytime he saw me he would tell me "I sure do appreciate ya, Vanessa." He has no idea how those words made me feel every time he said them....the idea that he truly appreciated ME...it brings tears to my eyes just to think about it. Little did he know...that it is ME that sure does appreciate him...and I always will.
RIP...and thank you.
"I can't go back to yesterday, because I was a different person then." ~ Lewis Carroll
Much love,
Vanessa...in progress. (VIP)
Wednesday, January 19, 2011
Embracing Angry
I'm ANGRY...and I now realize that I just need to FINALLY acknowledge it!
In my quest to constantly challenge myself to learn and grow and try and be a 'better person', I have been trying to deal with a recent situation by 'rising above it' and not resorting to 'old patterns' to get through it. Instead of feeling hurt...I've tried to understand. Instead of feeling angry...I've tried to be more loving. Instead of closing up...I've tried to open up more and be more vulnerable. And that's all noble and great and everything...and I've actually learned a lot...especially about myself...in that process...so I guess it wasn't all for nothing...but the fact of the matter is...I DONT FEEL ANY BETTER!!!!!!!!!!! AND...I haven't really been able to MOVE ON! Perhaps old patters weren't the 'healthiest' but they damn sure were effective in the moment.
So...what's a girl to do...when she wants to be true to who she is and how she feels...but also challenge herself to grow and learn new, healthier patterns? There is apparently a very fine line between the two...and what I've discovered is if you don't navigate that line correctly you can drive yourself INSANE!
After a short period of insanity...I decided to revisit my resolutions and see how well I was doing at applying them to this situation. That's when I realized...that I was attempting to do a lot of the things I had listed...but was doing them for others. I was being honest, kind, loving, etc. to others...but I was failing to make sure that I was FIRST AND FOREMOST being all of that to and for myself. Then and ONLY then can you authentically do those things to and for others.
It was then that I stopped...and started to really be HONEST and LOVING and KIND with myself and realized...WTF!?!?!?!?!!? I have been ANGRY this whole time and have not been honest enough...loving enough...and kind enough with myself to put ME first and fully feel that anger and process it so that I COULD move through the situation...more efficiently and effectively...and be done with it. But because I've been denying myself that emotion...and burying it...in my effort to be 'nice' and 'better'...all I've done is surpress it...and surpressed feelings always find a way of expressing themselves eventually! So...before my surpressed feelings express themselves by EXPLODING...I've decided to go ahead and EMBRACE MY ANGER!
I guess I thought that the anger and rage that I used to feel and comforted me during my earlier more crazy years was all a part of being immature and unevolved. I thought it was a raw emotion that I now needed tamed. But as I sit with this...I am now realizing that anger is a beautiful and honest emotion that when acknowledged properly (as it should be) and used correctly can be extremely healing, teach lessons, and bring a level of clarity that can better position you for the next great thing that is waiting for you. It is NOT a sign of immaturity but rather an act of self-love to acknowledge whatever emotion you are feeling...even if that emotion is anger...to allow yourself to feel it...process it...learn from it...heal from it...and eventually...move on from it. The key is to go through that process...in a constructive and not destructive way.
So...now that I am clear about the wonderful place anger can play in life...I am ready to embrace it...and express it...and let it do what it needs to do....constructively. I'm ready to be angry until it feels good...and that's when I'll know I've come out on the other side.
Much love...and anger... ;-)
Vanessa...in progress. (VIP)
In my quest to constantly challenge myself to learn and grow and try and be a 'better person', I have been trying to deal with a recent situation by 'rising above it' and not resorting to 'old patterns' to get through it. Instead of feeling hurt...I've tried to understand. Instead of feeling angry...I've tried to be more loving. Instead of closing up...I've tried to open up more and be more vulnerable. And that's all noble and great and everything...and I've actually learned a lot...especially about myself...in that process...so I guess it wasn't all for nothing...but the fact of the matter is...I DONT FEEL ANY BETTER!!!!!!!!!!! AND...I haven't really been able to MOVE ON! Perhaps old patters weren't the 'healthiest' but they damn sure were effective in the moment.
So...what's a girl to do...when she wants to be true to who she is and how she feels...but also challenge herself to grow and learn new, healthier patterns? There is apparently a very fine line between the two...and what I've discovered is if you don't navigate that line correctly you can drive yourself INSANE!
After a short period of insanity...I decided to revisit my resolutions and see how well I was doing at applying them to this situation. That's when I realized...that I was attempting to do a lot of the things I had listed...but was doing them for others. I was being honest, kind, loving, etc. to others...but I was failing to make sure that I was FIRST AND FOREMOST being all of that to and for myself. Then and ONLY then can you authentically do those things to and for others.
It was then that I stopped...and started to really be HONEST and LOVING and KIND with myself and realized...WTF!?!?!?!?!!? I have been ANGRY this whole time and have not been honest enough...loving enough...and kind enough with myself to put ME first and fully feel that anger and process it so that I COULD move through the situation...more efficiently and effectively...and be done with it. But because I've been denying myself that emotion...and burying it...in my effort to be 'nice' and 'better'...all I've done is surpress it...and surpressed feelings always find a way of expressing themselves eventually! So...before my surpressed feelings express themselves by EXPLODING...I've decided to go ahead and EMBRACE MY ANGER!
I guess I thought that the anger and rage that I used to feel and comforted me during my earlier more crazy years was all a part of being immature and unevolved. I thought it was a raw emotion that I now needed tamed. But as I sit with this...I am now realizing that anger is a beautiful and honest emotion that when acknowledged properly (as it should be) and used correctly can be extremely healing, teach lessons, and bring a level of clarity that can better position you for the next great thing that is waiting for you. It is NOT a sign of immaturity but rather an act of self-love to acknowledge whatever emotion you are feeling...even if that emotion is anger...to allow yourself to feel it...process it...learn from it...heal from it...and eventually...move on from it. The key is to go through that process...in a constructive and not destructive way.
So...now that I am clear about the wonderful place anger can play in life...I am ready to embrace it...and express it...and let it do what it needs to do....constructively. I'm ready to be angry until it feels good...and that's when I'll know I've come out on the other side.
Much love...and anger... ;-)
Vanessa...in progress. (VIP)
Saturday, January 1, 2011
New Year's Resolutions
Every year most of us attempt to make resolutions for the new year only to forget about them somewhere along the way because we either give up or just get too busy and distracted to focus on them. I, myself do this year after year. And as disheartening as it may be to get to the end of yet another year not having accomplished the majority of the goals I had outlined for myself, I never give up hope and continue to re-up every year and try again. I'm relentless and persistent...and I guess that's a good thing!
But, this year I've decided to change things up a bit. I'm still going to make resolutions...because...you just sort of have to...its tradition! But I'm going to try and make them a little bit different this time. Instead of a long list of goals that I want to acheive...I've decided to instead make resolutions that are about defining a way of traveling through life this coming year. I realized that the results we often desire can only really come when you change your way of being and thinking. So instead of focusing on the end results that I want to see, I figure that it would be better to focus on the things I need to change on the inside so that I'm where I need to be mentally, spiritually, and emotionally....and that's when I will be truly ready to receive the things that I want...and that is when they will be mine.
So...with all of that said...my resolutions this year are:
1) Truth - To live my life from a place of truth and honesty...first and foremost with myself...but also in how I interact with others.
2) Love - To love myself...to love others...to see others actions and words from a place of love...to surround myself with love...and to welcome love in all forms into my life.
3) Kindness - To be kind to myself...because I have often forgotten to do just that...and then...starting from that place...I can begin to extend that kindness to those around me.
4) Time - To take my time...stop rushing...learn to sit with my thoughts and my feelings...enjoy the ride with all its ups and downs and detours...and not be in such a hurry to get to the finish line.
5) Fun - To enjoy every day...find the enjoyment and laughter in everything I do...and celebrate each moment for the gift that it is.
6) Motherhood - To realize every moment of every day how blessed I am to be the mother of the most amazing little girl...and to strive each day to do the best job I can of being her mother...to be a good role model for her...and make sure she knows that she is loved and that her dreams and opportunities in life are limitless.
7) Work - To up the level of focus, dedication and excellence in my work...in the big tasks...and the small...and to always remember the greater purpose in the work that I do.
8) Goals - To make sure that I have clear and defined goals that I'm working towards and that I stay focused on them...but at the same time...to not to let the acheivement of those goals overshadow my ability to enjoy the journey on my way to them.
9) Trust - To trust myself and remember that I am capable of making good choices. If I am living my other resolutions of truth, love, kindness, time, etc...then I will be in the space I need to be able to make good decisions for me and those I love...and I need to do a better job of trusting myself in that process.
10) Faith - To bring faith back into my life. To once again believe in something divine...whatever it might be. To have faith that good things can and will happen to me. And to believe that I am worthy of having those things.
I know that keeping these concepts and thoughts front of mind...day to day...moment to moment...will not be easy. I know that I will constantly have to remind myself...reposition myself...forgive myself for the slip ups...etc. But that's ok. Again...its about the journey...and what matters is that I'm moving forward and in the right direction and doing the best job that I can do from moment to moment...and then when there is a slip up...that I acknowledge it...forgive myself...let it go...and get back to my journey. And while I'm on the journey...to stay open to all the good things life has coming my way.
So...as we all start out on our 2011 journeys...I wish everyone a healthy and happy new year...and may all your dreams and wishes come true.
Much love...
Vanessa...in progress. (VIP)
But, this year I've decided to change things up a bit. I'm still going to make resolutions...because...you just sort of have to...its tradition! But I'm going to try and make them a little bit different this time. Instead of a long list of goals that I want to acheive...I've decided to instead make resolutions that are about defining a way of traveling through life this coming year. I realized that the results we often desire can only really come when you change your way of being and thinking. So instead of focusing on the end results that I want to see, I figure that it would be better to focus on the things I need to change on the inside so that I'm where I need to be mentally, spiritually, and emotionally....and that's when I will be truly ready to receive the things that I want...and that is when they will be mine.
So...with all of that said...my resolutions this year are:
1) Truth - To live my life from a place of truth and honesty...first and foremost with myself...but also in how I interact with others.
2) Love - To love myself...to love others...to see others actions and words from a place of love...to surround myself with love...and to welcome love in all forms into my life.
3) Kindness - To be kind to myself...because I have often forgotten to do just that...and then...starting from that place...I can begin to extend that kindness to those around me.
4) Time - To take my time...stop rushing...learn to sit with my thoughts and my feelings...enjoy the ride with all its ups and downs and detours...and not be in such a hurry to get to the finish line.
5) Fun - To enjoy every day...find the enjoyment and laughter in everything I do...and celebrate each moment for the gift that it is.
6) Motherhood - To realize every moment of every day how blessed I am to be the mother of the most amazing little girl...and to strive each day to do the best job I can of being her mother...to be a good role model for her...and make sure she knows that she is loved and that her dreams and opportunities in life are limitless.
7) Work - To up the level of focus, dedication and excellence in my work...in the big tasks...and the small...and to always remember the greater purpose in the work that I do.
8) Goals - To make sure that I have clear and defined goals that I'm working towards and that I stay focused on them...but at the same time...to not to let the acheivement of those goals overshadow my ability to enjoy the journey on my way to them.
9) Trust - To trust myself and remember that I am capable of making good choices. If I am living my other resolutions of truth, love, kindness, time, etc...then I will be in the space I need to be able to make good decisions for me and those I love...and I need to do a better job of trusting myself in that process.
10) Faith - To bring faith back into my life. To once again believe in something divine...whatever it might be. To have faith that good things can and will happen to me. And to believe that I am worthy of having those things.
I know that keeping these concepts and thoughts front of mind...day to day...moment to moment...will not be easy. I know that I will constantly have to remind myself...reposition myself...forgive myself for the slip ups...etc. But that's ok. Again...its about the journey...and what matters is that I'm moving forward and in the right direction and doing the best job that I can do from moment to moment...and then when there is a slip up...that I acknowledge it...forgive myself...let it go...and get back to my journey. And while I'm on the journey...to stay open to all the good things life has coming my way.
So...as we all start out on our 2011 journeys...I wish everyone a healthy and happy new year...and may all your dreams and wishes come true.
Much love...
Vanessa...in progress. (VIP)
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