So...if you've been following my posts...you know that I've been in and out of a funk for a while now...and while I love my puppy and he does provide the occassional distraction...the funk was still there. This helped me to realize that I was not going to avoid my way out of the funk and instead I needed to get down and dirty with it if I was going to overcome it...and I've been doing just that...and let me tell you it hasnt been easy!
As I dug deeper and began to try and sort my way through it...I realized that PART of my funk was due to having 'lost myself' in a sense...the REAL me that I mentioned in a previous post. The version of me that was strong...confident...sure of herself...and honest...always...no matter what. Because that girl...loved herself and thought she was pretty awesome...and didnt really care much if others didn't agree. I was the only one that needed to love me...and I only wanted those around who were smart enough to see how awesome I was anyway...so if you weren't drinking the Vanessa Kool-Aid...then no need to stick around. If you did decide that you wanted to stick around...then you got the privilege of even more wonderful parts of me... love...loyalty...support...friendship...and the list goes on. I knew I was also difficult...but felt that I was worth the effort to deal with me...because once you broke through to the other side of me...there were some pretty significant benefits to being in my circle of people.
Somewhere along the way...I lost myself...and became the exact opposite of all the things I admired about myself. I became insecure...weak...confused...unsure...passive...and the list goes on. I know what caused this drastic change but that's a blog for another day. The point is that at some point I was confronted with the horrific truth that I was no longer me and had become some other person...one that frankly...I wouldn't really even want to be friends with...and it shook me to my core.
As they say acceptance is the first step...so just the realization and acceptance of who I had become and how I felt about it was huge...but now what? Which person am I supposed to be? Or is there some other version of me out there I'm supposed to aspire to? Do I go back to who I was, stay here, or search for someone else to be? Trying to figure this out while still dealing with the day to day hassles of life and its many ups and downs was not an easy task but the alternative is to give up...and I was never good at that (and luckily not giving up is one trait I never let go of).
I began the 'fake it until you make it' approach...so I did my best to behave as the person I thought I wanted to be...without even being sure thats who I wanted to be...hoping that at some point it would all become clear and everything would click. Add into the mix that everyone has an unasked for opinion...that just muddies the waters even more...especially if you were already confused and lost and unsure of yourself. But this dynamic just created even more dissatisfaction and angst inside of me because there was such a disparity between who I was at the moment...who I had been in the past...and who I think..I thought...I should maybe consider being...and not feeling really sure about any of it.
As I continued to push forward through my confusion and funk...and peel away the layers...I finally realized that I didnt need to figure out who I was...I just needed to BE who I was...and that should be a natural process that doesnt take so much work and thought...it just takes doing and being...and the real problem I was having was that my soul was painfully aware that I was not BEING who I was...and therein lay the problem.
This is the issue that actually prompted me to start my blog...the premise being ignorance and honesty. I dont know it all...and neither do you. There is no absolute truth. There's what you think, what I think, what he thinks, what she thinks, etc. Sometimes the thinks are in sink...many times they aren't. We can learn from each other and our thoughts can change and opinions morph and knowledge grow...but at any given moment...my truth...not yours...is what I am thinking and feeling at that moment...whether or not you agree...and whether or not you understand...and whether or not its 'right'. It's my truth.
Step one in my new 'project' of being ME was just being honest....primarily with MYSELF...but also with others. As I moved forward with embracing who I am and reintroducing her to the world...that hadn't seen her in a LONG time...and some of my newer friends had never even met her to begin with...I knew that this would be a very difficult journey...but if you've ever met me...you know I prefer things a little on the difficult side.
It's been a slow...difficult...interesting...complicated journey so far...as all of this unfolds...but I feel like I become more and more present with myself and who I am every day and with every choice I make that is true to who I am.
Being honest with myself is very difficult at times...because its so much easier...at least initially...to ignore...avoid...and alter the truth to keep yourself and everyone around you 'happy'. But that kind of 'lying' eats away at you over time until you become angry and bitter and feel imprisoned by the fakeness...at least that's how it made me feel. But being honest with others is even more complicated because in the process of doing so...of being true to yourself and how you feel and doing what you feel you need to do for your own self-preservation and happiness...you sometimes hurt those you are being honest with...and at times cause rifts and make waves you wish didn't have to be.
Since this journey began...back in July...I've had to make the choice to be honest with some people in my life because something about our dynamic and relationship was not sitting right with me or allowing me to feel free at at ease. So far...I've actually taken action on sharing my truth with 2 of those people...and there are more to follow.
I feel especially bad...because they are receiving (or will be) the information in one big package...when in reality its been a bunch of little things building up over time that have brought me to this place of discomfort. Perhaps if I had been honest all along...no one issue that surfaced would have required such a serious discussion...but alas...my period of self-denial brought me to this place and now there is a lot to get off my chest.
The first person I addressed issues with resulted with the friendship being put on a sort of 'hold' indefinitely. Only time will tell where that will lead. The results of the issues addressed with the 2nd person are still pending...but I hope that they can be worked through so that the relationship can surface even stronger and better than before. And there are other issues with other people that still need to be addressed but there is a time and place for everything and those will happen when their time comes.
The reality...and point of this blog post...is really just to say that honesty isn't always easy...but I do believe it's always right. I regret the fact that I ever lost myself to begin with. And I regret the fact that my inability to be honest and open for a while caused me to now come to this point where I feel I MUST bear my soul and truth all at once...and as a result this may bring discomfort, hurt and even anger to others unexpectedly. I regret those things deeply. But what I do not regret is finding myself again. And I don't regret that I am now being true to myself. And I don't regret the honesty I have and will continue to share with others in order to be true to myself.
I don't know know what will happen...or where this road may lead...what friends I may lose...or what new ones I will make...or what consequences I will have to face as a result of being ME...honestly...and unapologetically. But I do know...that while I may have to grieve some losses...and walk through some fires...there is no greater peace or reward than the feeling that comes with being totally and completely honest...with yourself first...and with others.
To all those I may hurt or upset...I am truly sorry...because it's not my intention...and is actually the last thing I would ever want to do...but I would do it 100 times over...before EVER losing myself again.
Thanks for listening...
Much love...
Vanessa...in progress. (VIP)
P.S. This is definitely the deepest and most HONEST post I have posted so far. I would really love to hear your thoughts and perspectives on it. All comments are welcome. This is a place where we can all be HONEST!
