Those of you that have been following my blog for a while now know that I have talked about being in a FUNK on and off over the past few years. You may also have noticed that I have not had any posts since I wrote about the betrayal incident in January. Well, needless to say I went into another FUNK after that betrayal and it took me a while to get myself to a point of understanding what happened, dealing with it, and moving passed it. While going through that process I kept thinking - "How did I get here...again!?!?!?!" And by here...I mean...the FUNK.
Now, for those that have not been following my blog and may be here for the first time, let me explain what I mean by FUNK. Basically, for me, it’s this state of not necessarily being depressed but not being happy. It feels like not being satisfied with where I am but not knowing where I want to go. I feel like there is something I must do to de-FUNK myself but not having a clue as to what that is. There is never a clear or absolute reason for the FUNK nor is it always clear how and when the FUNK arrived. But there comes a moment when I realize...oh...here it is again. And then it seems that it leaves as quietly as it came. No major event that washed it away. It's just sort of gone. Perhaps sometimes I have some epiphanies during the FUNK or it does motivate me to do something...anything. So, they are sometimes useful. But most of the time it's just sort of there....and then it isn't. And I'm just left with that same question - "How did I get here...again?!?!"
This time...the question rang even louder…almost to the point of being deafening. I've been doing so much work on myself, reading, praying, meditating, learning, trying to be a better person, being kinder, being more loving, etc. Was it all for nothing? How could I be seemingly putting all this work into being a better person and yet end up betrayed and back in a funk. Was I that off the mark? Was I kidding myself? Should I just throw in the towel? WHAT THE FUNK!?!?!?!?
But...anyone who knows me...knows...that while I always like to have my overly dramatic outburst (see paragraph above) that I NEVER throw in the towel and I always follow up my tirade with action never giving up hope that this time will be THE time that I figure it all out.
I've been so FUNK-focused since January that I haven’t even been able to write. I didn’t know what to say. Surely there were many things that have happened that I could have shared but I just couldn’t bring myself to write. Usually when I write, whether it’s good or not, interesting or not, it’s all real and from the heart. And I just couldn’t get to that place of sharing what was real and loving inside me...because I was so lost in my FUNK.
So...I quietly toiled away at trying to figure it all out for myself...sometimes actively thinking it through and sometimes temporarily forgetting all about it only to inevitably come back to it later.
And then it just hit me! I'm driving in my car...listening to an audiobook...when something I hear in the book just smacks me across the face! OMG! It's been so obvious for so long. How did I miss it. How could I not see it. I've read it a million times in a million different books. I've heard it a million times in a million different ways from a million different people. It's just so painfully obvious its almost embarrassing to admit that I hadn’t yet figured it out.
I kept finding myself in a FUNK because I had disconnected from myself.
That's it, Vanessa? That's your big epiphany!?!?
YES!
It may sound simple...and I guess in many ways IT IS SIMPLE! But I think that it’s SO simple and I had heard it philosophically and theoretically so many times that it had become a sort of cliché. It was a familiar statement that you sort of knew what it meant but didn’t REALLY know what it meant and it didn’t apply to you anyway so...whatever. I mean...disconnected from myself? What does that mean? I'm here. This is my body. I'm in it. So...I'm not disconnected. I'm introspective. I'm constantly self-examining. I'm always trying to better understand myself. If there is anyone that is CONNECTED to herself…IT'S ME! Or so I thought...
NOW...I know what it means! NOW...I get it! NOW...I understand! And NOW...I see how disconnected I have been despite all my attempts to be connected.
What I've realized is that all that reading...all that introspection...all that self-examination was not a waste. It was necessary for me to lay the foundation for myself so that I could one day be ready to TRULY understand and accept the idea that I was actually disconnected. This was no longer some abstract philosophical or theoretical concept. It was real! I got it! I got it deep within my soul...finally! I figured out my FUNK!
I will try my best to explain to you what I mean by being disconnected but I'm sure many of you will just hear it at words and will probably react like I did at first - That's it, Vanessa? That's your big epiphany!?!?! I'm sure many of you will react as I did whenever I heard or read it somewhere - yeah...whatever. And you should react that way. Because what I know now is that until you can FEEL that disconnect inside of you cannot KNOW it.
My disconnection was about how far I had moved away from the core of who I was. There was once this little girl named Vanessa who was amped about life and believed anything was possible. She wanted to take the world by storm. She wanted every day to be a celebration. She couldn’t get enough out of life or give enough of herself to it. She was awesome!
And then life happened...again...and again. In so many ways I believed life was telling me...literally or metaphorically...that the dreams weren't possible...that you couldn't celebrate everyday...that’s impossible. I came to believe that this was all there was and I just had to make the best of it and arrive as safely and intact at the end of my life as I possibly could trying to just be the best person I can be. And the 'glory' came in being able to say "I made it!" at the end of it all. To be able to say that I survived all the trials and tribulations and they didn’t break me would be my claim to fame.
Well who wouldn't be in a FUNK with that thinking!?!?!?!?
The reality is you can let go of those dreams and desires intellectually. But your heart, your soul, your spirit, your being...NEVER lets go of them. Every moment of every day they all collectively try calling you back to yourself...back to your dreams...back to the things that drive you and inspire you and need you just like you need them. No matter how much you might try to just forget about them because you think life has told you they are not possible you can never forget about them inside of yourself. Those dreams and desires must be tended to...and nurtured...and nourished...so that they can be born through you. If not...you will forever be FUNKEDIFIED!
So here I was thinking I was doing a great job at becoming a better person. Learning to be more serene and still. Learning to be a better person. Learning to be kinder and more loving. Learning, learning, learning. Important...but...boring, boring, boring. And inside I was SCREAMINGGGGGGGGGGGGGGG the whole time trying to get my own attention but I had learned through many bumps and bruises to just ignore that noise inside myself.
But now...since I was learning...that voice inside was becoming harder and harder to ignore. It was reaching a fever pitch that manifested itself into a deafening FUNK.
All this time I had tried to ignore the FUNK by distracting myself with so many things (that in most cases I knew weren't right for me) but I distracted myself anyway because in those moments the familiarity of distraction felt safer than the fear of the unknown that was sure to come if I allowed myself to hear myself and open myself back up to the possibilities.
But I hear you now. I'm not afraid. I'm open. So...speak to me, Vanessa...I'm listening! I will not ignore you anymore. Let's do this!
Much love,
Vanessa...in progress. (VIP)
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