EAT LIFE!

A few weeks ago I was talking to a friend that I've known for over 15 years. Honestly, I cant even remember what we were talking about. But at one point in the conversation she tells me that she remembers around the time we first met that she and a few other mutual friends were having a conversation about me when one of them said with a mix of frustration and admiration, "That Vanessa......she just....she just...she EATS LIFE!"

BOOM! It was like a slap across the face! In that instant I felt like I woke up. Yes! Yes, I did EAT LIFE! I devoured it! It was mine! And I took it all in. No need for permission. No apologies.

Somewhere along the way and a few life altering events later, I stopped. Little by little, life began eating me. It ate away at my heart, my soul, my mind, my passion, my dreams, my everything. I became an altered and muted version of myself.

In some ways I was now more acceptable to others. Not so loud. Not so pushy. Not so in your face. Not stealing the spotlight as much. People seemed to be more comfortable with that. But not me. For me, life just sort of became dull. Not bad. But dull. The excitement was gone. I guess I sort of traded excitement for acceptance.

But your soul has a way of being relentless. I always carried a nagging feeling inside me that I couldn't seem to get rid of. There was an emptiness and a longing. It didn't let me give in. It didn't let me ignore it. It forced me to keep searching, even when maybe I didn't want to. It didn't let me accept what is as all that could be. Somewhere, deep down, I knew, acceptance was never really my cup of tea.

So, here I am. I turn 40 today. A lifetime behind me. A lifetime before me. And I stand here taking it all in. There have been ups and downs, good and bad, lessons and laughter, and the list goes on. I have my awesome and crazy family that loves me. I have my TRIFECTA that hold me up and make life just that extra bit of special. I have an amazing network of friends that all have their unique and special place in my life. I have a job that fills me and challenges me and the people I work with are like a second family. I have a roof over my head, food on the table, and reliable transportation that gets me around. And last but certainly not least, I have Emily who has single handedly transformed my life for the better. All in all I would say its been pretty damn awesome! And I'm beyond thankful for all of that.

But there remains that nagging little issue that my soul won't let me forget. There's more out there. And perhaps this is the day that I finally open myself back up to that idea and let it wreak whatever havoc it must wreak. Maybe today is the day that I once again EAT LIFE!. Because it's still mine. I can still take it all in. I can still devour every little morsel. And I still don't need anyone's permission. And I definitely don't need to apologize for it. And well, as I said before, acceptance was never really my thing so maybe I don't really need it after all

So, as I head into my 40's - smarter, wiser, stronger, clearer - I have no idea what the future holds for me. But what I do know is that there is new life in me and I will devour every bit of life that I have left. There will be excitement. And I will make no apologies for it! I will EAT LIFE once again. And I think you should join me.

Happy 40th Birthday to ME!

 

Much love, Vanessa...in progress. (VIP)

In Memory of Ernie...

It still all feels surreal.

It was a year ago, September 12th to be exact, that this journey began. We found out that Ernie had Stage 4 lung cancer. He was only 44. He had never smoked. It didn't make sense. We were devastated, confused, and scared.

But, as we would all come to learn during the year that followed, Ernie was special. He was a warrior with a heart of gold. From the moment he found out he handled it all with a peace, and strength and grace unlike anything I have ever seen before.  He made a choice to fight for as many days as God would allow him and to make each one count. He also chose to let everyone in and to share his journey with the world. I'm not sure what prompted him to do that. But I'm sure that he could not have ever imagined that he would touch so many lives the way that he did.

No matter what happened or how much pain he was in his posts were always uplifting. He always made sure to mention what a beautiful day it was and encouraged everyone to enjoy it. There were good days and there were bad days but he met every single day with a grace and courage that inspired us all. And his smile, his smile lit up the room and reassured us.

His journey made me question everything - my life, my faith, my beliefs, my relationships, my actions, etc. Whenever I was tempted to complain about something trivial, I remembered his grace and courage and smile. Whenever I was tempted to behave in a way that I knew was not offering the best of me, I remembered his grace and courage and smile. Whenever I was tempted to get caught up in the small stuff that I now know doesn't matter in the grand scheme of life, I remembered his grace and courage and smile. He became my source of inspiration to always strive to be the best person I could be and to use my life to try and inspire others the way he inspired me. And I have tried to do just that.  I don't know if I'm always successful. In fact, I'm sure that I often fall short. But what I know for sure is that I am not the same person I was before and that I will continue to strive to always be the best person that I can be.

During his last few weeks of life and after his passing so many people reached out to me. Some of you had known him your whole lives and others just a short time. Some of you knew him well and others just in passing. All of you shared stories about how special he was to you. I heard stories about how he made your life better in some way; how he lifted you up when you were down; how he befriended you when you didn't know anyone, etc. While hearing all of these stories warmed my heart, I was not surprised by any of them. They only confirmed for me who I already knew Ernie to be. What I was surprised by was how many people who had NEVER met him but were following his story reached out to me as well.  They too had stories to tell about how seeing Ernie's story unfold each day helped them keep their spirits up throughout their own illness.  There were stories about how Ernie's journey helped people reconnect with their faith. There were stories about how Ernie's spirit inspired them to do and be better. 

It was the totality of all of these stories and testimonies that made me realize that Ernie was here to be a teacher. He was here to remind us about how to live and love and laugh, no matter what. He was here to encourage us to be the best people we can be and to offer the best of ourselves to others. He was here to inspire us to use our lives to inspire others. He was here to confirm for us that we need to not sweat the small stuff as he would so often say, but to stay focused on the big picture of life and to make every day of it count.

Ernie had a light in him that was as bright as the sun. And I believe that his light helped to turn on a light in each of us. And the energy and spirit of that light that remains in each of us and all around us is his legacy. And as such, I would just ask that you all remember Ernie, remember his spirit.  Keep it with you as you go about each day. Let it continue to inspire and guide you. Use his life as an example for your own and live your life in a way that pays tribute to his legacy. And use your life to inspire others in his name. Don't go back to business as usual once the dust settles. Let the lessons his life taught us change you and make you better and pass it on.  This is how we can honor Ernie and what he meant to us.

Yesterday, after the services were over, some of us went to grab a bite to eat. I sat across from his son and just watched him. I was so overwhelmed with emotion because it was so clear to me how much of his father is in him. That same light and laughter and smile. I watched him all throughout the funeral stand there with such grace and maturity, constantly checking in on his mom to make sure she was ok. He represented his father in a way that I know made Ernie proud. And I couldn't help but to imagine all of the people that his son's life will touch as his own life continues to unfold.

For those that are interested we have started a fundraiser to help raise money on Ernie's behalf in support of his son. If any of you are inspired to give, please visit https://www.giveforward.com/fundraiser/zv03/ernie-s-army-of-angels-fund.

Last, but definitely not least, there is his amazing wife Ana. I have grown to love her and appreciate her so much throughout this time. She has earned my respect, love and admiration and she will forever have a sister in me. She was by his side every step of the way supporting him and helping him with a dignity and strength and grace that had me in awe.  I told her at one point that their relationship and family was such a great example of what love and family means. They were a true team that had each other's back at every turn. He was as blessed to have her and she was to have him. And I'm sure their son cannot fully comprehend and appreciate how blessed he is to have them as his parents but he will know one day, I'm sure.

Thank you to everyone for your love and support during this time and thank you for letting me share Ernie's story with you. It has meant the world to me.

Much love,

Vanessa...in progress. (VIP)

Outing myself for my birthday...

Today I turn 39. I always make a point of giving myself a gift on my birthday. But for this birthday none of the typical types of gifts I usually give myself interested me. This year...it would have to be something different. Something more. Something life changing.

And then it hit me. Next year I will be 40. My 30's have been a time of significant transformation. I need to honor that transformation by making this last year of my 30's a year of even more transformation that will carry me into my 40's a better person.

Over the past few years I have changed so many things in my life in an effort to be a better person. There will always be more to do but I feel good about where I am at this point in my life. I have dealt with most of the things that were obstacles, overcome them, and replaced them with things that enrich my life. And that feels great. But with the arrival of my 39 birthday and the path to 40 in front of me, I can no longer ignore the fact that there was one area where I was still failing. I could no longer deny that there was a major part of me that I have not been able to fix. And I could no longer turn my back on the truth that was in front of me. I knew that this needed to be the focus of my life for this year. I knew that tackling this had to be the gift I gave to myself. And I knew that in order for me to do it successfully I needed to 'out' myself.

The truth is that for many years I have been waging a war against my body and it has gotten to the point that I barely recognize myself and it is impacting my health and well being in many different ways.  This is not just about weight. As a matter of fact, I think that one of the reasons I have been failing at dealing with this issue for so long is because I thought it was an issue of weight and tried to deal with it with all of the typical 'weight loss' methods. Not only did they not work but they only made things worse. It's only been during this past year as I've made progress in other areas of my life that I came to truly understand that at some point the occasional food over indulgence had grown into me being in a completely abusive and compulsive relationship with myself when it came to food.

I don't want to get into all of the many reasons why this has happened. At least not yet. Maybe I will blog about those things at another time. Its sufficient at this time to say that there were many people, places, things, events and circumstances that have occurred over my lifetime that left me feeling disconnected from my body and my soul. And over the years that disconnection left me feeling empty and incomplete. And as many people do I tried to fill the void in many ways that were not good for me. But as I've been cleaning out my life of many of the other negative ways I tried to fill the void it seems that the only outlet left to hold my feelings and help me stay disconnected from myself was to eat. And so while other areas of my life got better this area kept getting worse. At first I didn't understand. I was finally in a good place and feeling better than I have ever felt before. So many things were going well and working out for me.  Why was this one thing getting worse? I couldn't figure it out but I didn't really try. Going there was too painful so I just kept focusing on everything else and let that problem just continue to grow.

As I started reconnecting with my soul through the work I have been doing on myself and the many transformations that have taken place, the disconnect with my body became to painful to ignore anymore. The truth is that the real me...the complete me has been hiding. I can feel that my light is dimmed because of this. I can feel that I have become a muted version of myself which prevents me from living my life to its fullest potential. I know that the last piece of the puzzle is hiding in this compulsion that has been several years in the making. I know that if I really want to continue to progress and be on this life journey that I need to reconnect with all the parts of me and that includes this one. This will mean going inside and uncovering all of those things I've been trying to ignore. I know it will not be easy but it is necessary.

So today, on my 39th birthday I am declaring a year long journey back to health. This is not a declaration to lose a certain amount of weight by a certain time. This is not about some diet I'm going to start or an exercise program I am going to begin. This is about an unstructured process of self discovery and reconnection that needs to begin with complete acceptance of where I am today. My goal is to end the abusive relationship with my body. My goal is to heal all of the unhealthy messages that have been programmed into me and replace them with acceptance. My goal is to redefine my relationship with my body into one that honors it. My goal is to replace the abuse with love.  And in the end my hope is that through this process I will begin to make healthier choices. In doing so, I hope that my body will be become healthier and stronger and an external expression of what is inside of me. My hope is that when I cross that 40 threshold I do so leaving this abusive relationship that does not serve me behind and I walk into my 40's with a new healthy and loving relationship that will allow me to fully express myself in the world.

I know that some of the people that will read this are some of the people that have contributed in some way to this problem in the first place. I know there are some people that will read it that will not wish me well. But I am not writing this for them. They no longer matter to me. That is the point of outing myself. To say that I acknowledge what I have created but that I'm not 'hiding' anymore. I accept myself as I am and I alone define where I go from here and how I get there. I am no longer letting in the negativity. I write this blog for myself.  I write this blog for those of you who I know cheer me on, encourage me, and pray for my well being. I write this blog for those of you who are battling with any kind of abusive relationship with yourself, so you know you are not alone and that there is no shame in it.  The only shame comes in not accepting and loving yourself in whatever place you might be in your life.

So for those of you that love me and support me, I invite you in to be a part of the journey. I look to you for encouragement and love.  Keep me motivated. Keep me focused.  Keep me accountable. I'm counting on you.

Of course I will keep you updated on my progress and the many battles I know I will encounter along the way. I am excited and anxious. I'm eager and scared. But most importantly, I'm not hiding anymore. And that's what matters.

And with that I begin my journey to 40...one healthy...loving choice at a time.

Much love,

Vanessa...in progress. (VIP)

Me & Emily

I can remember it like it was yesterday.  It was eight years ago (May 25th) that I officially became Emily's mom and my life forever changed.

Before Emily, my life was part awesome and part disaster! I didn't always make the greatest decisions and I struggled with a lot of anger, frustration and sometimes even depression. I just couldn't seem to get it right.

Then there was Emily. And everything changed.

Even though the circumstances around the time of her birth were not necessarily ideal, I was still aware enough to know that she was a precious gift. I remember rocking her in the glider and watching her sleep in my arms, so in love with her and also so completely overwhelmed. How could I ever parent her? How could I ever be a good mother? I hadn't even yet figured out my own life. What could I possibly teacher her?

She was so tiny. So beautiful. So full of love and trust and joy. I wanted her to have everything. I wanted to be able to give her everything. And I knew that what I didn't want was to pass on to her my confusion, anger, frustration and depression. I knew that I needed to figure it out once and for all. I needed to be happy. I needed to become who I wanted her to grow up to be.

I made one key decision at that time, that would change everything and eventually save my life. I decided that I no longer had the luxury of just surviving and being dragged through life. I no longer had the luxury of making bad decisions. I decided that from that day forward Emily would be my guide and the screen through which I would make all future decisions. I didn't know what the future had in store or what situations I would encounter. But I decided that whatever came my way I would do my best to stop and think what I would want Emily to do if it were her in that situation. And whatever that was, I needed that to be the decision I would make for my own life. I knew that what would speak louder than anything I could ever tell her or try and teach her, was the example of my own life. And I couldn't just limit it to choices she would know about or see.  It had to also be those decisions I made in private that she would never even know about.  Those might even be the more important decisions because those decisions would be the ones that truly formed my character and integrity and would create my own opinion of myself.  And I knew that no matter what behavior I was demonstrating to her, what would always come through loud and clear was what I truly thought and how I truly felt about myself. And so the journey began.  The ultimate act of love for her would be for me to be the best me that I could be and set the example for her.

And that is what I have tried to do every day for the past eight years. Trust me, I have blown it many a time. And even that has been a learning experience for both of us.  I make sure to let her see me messing up, dusting myself off and starting over again. I let her see me try to make amends when I make a mistake. I want her to see that we aren't perfect and that we will make mistakes but that we must still try to offer the best of ourselves each and every day. I want her to see that we have to make choices that are loving and respectful of ourselves and those around us. And I want her to see that we should appreciate every moment and live it to the fullest.

It's been an interesting experience to see how different the decisions I would have instinctually made for myself differed from what I would want for her. Little by little I began to see how the decisions I had been making in my life were not at all loving or respectful to myself.  And what started out as a decision to help me be a better mother to her, proved to be a life altering change for me. With each good decision I began to make using Emily as my guide, I began to learn to love myself. I began to see what loving choices look like. I began to gain respect for myself again. And as the love and respect increased, the anger, frustration and depression fell away effortlessly. I learned that the most important thing in the world is for you to truly love yourself because nothing around you can be right if you aren't first right within yourself.

Over the past eight years I also learned that I was a fool to think that I would be the one teaching Emily because it is so clear that she has been the one teaching me. Her spirit, her heart, her excitement, her energy, her drive, her hope, her faith, her belief that anything is possibly, her sense of wonder and amazement, her pureness, her wholeness, her innocence, etc. Every day I wake up and try to be more and more like her. In so many ways she has transformed the way I think and opened me back up to a beautiful world full of possibilities and excitement that brings out the best in me.

And the most profound realization of all has been the realization that everything that happened in my life up until she was born was all just preparation for me to be Emily's mother. Not just a mother, but to be EMILY's mother. I can see with every situation and circumstance how life was just preparing me for her. I see how even those things I thought were some of the worst experiences in my life were just preparing me to be who I needed to be for her.  I believe that our children don't belong to us. We are entrusted with them for a period of time and our job is to keep them safe and nurture and guide them so that they can grow into who they are meant to be and at that point our job is to let go. And I know with every fiber of my being that Emily Sofia Greene has come into this life with a plan and a purpose and a mission. And I know beyond a shadow of a doubt that it was my plan and purpose and mission to learn the lessons for her so that I could guide her and pave the way for her so she can step into her greatness.

Emily told me a few years ago that I was the mommy she picked before she was born. I believe that.  And I'm honored and humbled that she picked me and I take this responsibility and privilege very seriously. I know I fall short every day. But I also know that I try my best to do a good job of being her mother.  It is the single most difficult and rewarding experience and I treasure every part of it. This is definitely my life's greatest work and I am thankful for it.

Emily, Happy 8th Birthday my beautiful baby girl. Thank you for picking me. Every day with you has been an absolute blessing. And I'm looking forward to seeing what you teach me next.

Much Love,

Vanessa...in progress. (VIP)

Living Out Loud...

I've always been a bit LOUD.  Not only am I literally LOUD but I guess you can kind of say that I've always lived out LOUD meaning that I have always lived my life very out in the open for all to see. Throughout the years I've encountered people that enjoy and are entertained by my 'loudness'. And I've also encountered those that are put off by it and just don't get it. I never really gave any of it much thought. I was just living. It was just who I was. But recently, I had reason to stop and think about it. So I did.

Starting on the assumption that my way was the only correct and logical way to be (because isn't that what we all think?) I began to wonder how anyone could NOT appreciate it.  Isn't it fun? Isn't it funny? Isn't it amusing? Isn't it entertaining? Etc. But I guess it isn't, not to everyone. Why?

I began to think about some of the things I know they think to themselves (or have said to me). The most basic complaint is that I'm disturbing the quiet. OK.  I get that. And I guess I'm kind of sorry. It's not my intention. But sometimes the quiet disturbs my need to be loud. So, I guess we'll have to compromise on that one.

Another question I often get is "Why do you want everyone to know your business? Don't you like for some things to be private?" I had to think hard about that one. For as much as I share there are still a few (very few) things that I do keep all to myself.  But yes, for the most part I put myself on blast. I guess I do this for a few reasons. Part of it is really just natural. As I said, I've just sort of always been this way. I dont have that little flag that goes up as your talking and tells you, "Hey, this may be something you want to keep to yourself...TMI!" But I guess at another level I share because I want others to know who I am. I want them to know I'm real. I want them to know what makes me tick. I want them to know my stories. And in sharing my stories with them my hope is always that it helps them to open up and share their stories with me. And if they don't feel comfortable sharing, to at least know enough about me that they feel they can connect with me on a deeper level.

You see, I've never been much for superficial connections. And I just feel that until you can get down into the depths of who a person is and understand who they are and know their stories you can never really connect with them at that level.  And that's really what I want. I want us to connect. I want you to understand me and I want to understand you. And from that place of understanding I hope that something new and beautiful can grow. Even if all we ever have is one conversation but that conversation was deep and meaningful, then it meant something to me and will stay with me forever. And I'm sure that in some way it changed me. Some of my favorite memories are of long, deep conversations with people I only met once.  I recall those exchanges with love and appreciation and know that I grew from them ins some way.

Beyond that I also share because I feel that is how we learn.  I have learned so much about life, how to be happy, and how to relate to other people from learning about other people's experiences. And I guess that in some way I hope that when I share my story someone will see themselves in my stories and that they will feel connected and maybe, just maybe they will learn something that helps them grow.

And lastly, I guess the other reason I share so much is because...well why the hell not?!?!?!?! I have nothing to hide. I'm not concerned with being judged. And no one can hurt me with information that I've chosen to share. So...I'm just gonna keep right on sharing.

Now, another comment I've heard is that I want/need attention. Ummm, why yes...yes I do. I think we all do in some way. And this is my way.  I don't want attention in the sense that I will shrivel up and die if I dont get it. Or I dont feel worthy without it.  I just like it.  It's how I connect. It's how I interact. And so I'm not sharing from a place of neediness. I'm sharing from a place of love and the attention is just a nice perk. So there!

A few years ago, I decided to start this blog and that would require sharing at a whole other level. I chose to start this blog for 2 main reasons: 1) because writing for me is cathartic, 2) I was looking for some like minded people. Life had taken some twists and turns and as a result I had become less open and felt the need more and more to put up a facade as though everything was perfect. And as a result of that I had surrounded myself with people that were also not open and that hightened the need to keep up appearances to keep myself in favor with everyone. I felt like I was dying a slow death. I was suffocating. And one day I knew that I just couldn't do it anymore. I knew I had to step out and tell my truth and if it cost me every friend and relationship I had well then that was just how it was going to have to be. But I could not hide my truth anymore. The truth being that I was not perfect. That I didnt have it all together. That I have crazy thoughts sometimes. That I make mistakes all the time. That I am a work in progress and that I know you are too. And that I am no longer afraid and no longer feel the need to hide behind this mask of fake perfection. And not only do I no longer feel the need to hide any of this but I embrace it. I'm crazy as hell and its all good.

Writing for me is like talking. It's an outlet. It helps me to sort out the thoughts that get all jumbled in my head and TRY to make some kind of sense out of them. So when I decided to 'step out' and figure this all out I first thought of journaling....privately. But then someone mentioned blogging to me. And I thought...hmmm.  And that's when I realized.  I think some of us are made like this for a reason. There are some of us that are made in a way where we have no reservations about sharing and bearing our soul for the world to see. And I think for that for those of us that have this 'gift' it is almost our duty to use our lives as examples for those that may be struggling and not have an outlet of their own or not have someone to talk to.  And so the blog was born. I named the blog very appropriately I think. I had no idea at the time what was going to come out of my mouth...err...fingers.  But I knew whatever it was it would be truth, imperfect, and subject to change as I learn and grow. That I would never have it figured it. That I would always be happily in progress. And that I just hoped that as I wrote I could find some answers for myself. And that as some poeple read that they might find some answers for themselves.

So...for those of you who have read and appreciated the openness and the sharing, I thank you. And if even one of you have ever connected with any of it and learned anything from it then it is all worth it.  And even if you havent learned from it or connected in any deep kind of way but were somehow entertained by it, then it was still worth it.

And to those of you who think I'm crazy and needy and don't get it....I say...then why are you reading this?  No...just kidding...you are welcome to. But please know, that yes I am crazy. And in some sense needy. And even if you don't get it you are welcome to stay and I love you all the same.

Much love,

Vanessa...in progress. (VIP)

It's 2013! So Now What?

I originally intended to do my first blog post of the year on the 1st. But, I wasn't quite ready yet. Ready for what...I'm not sure. But I felt like I had still needed time to think about how I felt about this coming year.

2012 was everything a year is supposed to be. There were betrayals and tragedies...blessings and surprises...good news and bad news...the ending of relationships and the starting (or restarting) of news ones...setbacks and moving forward.  There were lessons, tears, laughter, and growth.  It was perfect!

In the past, if I had a year like that I would have been miserable. I would have drowned myself in the misery of the 'bad' stuff and never fully enjoyed the good stuff because I would be waiting for the other shoe to drop. And in the end I would have proclaimed it a bad year and been eager to put it to bed and move on to a new year where maybe, just maybe, things might get a little bit better.  But...that's not the place I'm in anymore.

The past few years I've been undergoing a transformation of sorts.  Sometimes the lessons and changes are very slow and laborious. At other times they are sudden burts of big giant blow your hair back kind of changes.  All leading me towards what I believe is a better version of myself....a version of myself that is more in line with the essense of who I truly am and who I was always meant to be...a version of myself that I had strayed away from for a very long time.

I dont regret the straying. There were plenty of good times and hard lessons during those years. And while I would definitely try to make better choices if I could go back and do it all again, I don't regret or look back on any of it negatively. After all, it all lead me here...to the place I am in this moment. And I don't know if I could or would appreciate this place so much if I hadnt had the 'darker' years.

So, here I am...transformed and still transforming (or shall I say, in progress.) And from this place I can tell you that I'm a little worn out by the ups and downs, I'm feeling extremely appreciative for the good stuff, and I'm excited and hopeful about the future. And the difference is all in my perspective. See, I've learned and finally come to understand that life isnt good when good things are happening and bad when bad things are happening. It's all just life. All of it makes up life. And it is up to each of us to decide how we show up to the events in our lives, how we work through them, what we bring to them, what we learn from them, and what meaning we give to them. And I have chosen to try to try my best to show up to all of these things in an effort to bring love and serve as best I can. I have chosen to try to travel through it all with love, understanding and accepting that there is a bigger picture that I can't always see. I have chosen to find the silver lining in every cloud, try to learn as much as I can from every experience and to give a positive and empowering meaning to everything that happens.I have chosen to become more aware of the fact that ever day, every moment is a gift no matter what it is filled with and that the ability to even experience good or bad means that I am alive and I am here and that there is life for me to live. And that has made all the difference in the quality of my life.

I needed a few extra days to to step back and gain that perspective and really understand this change. I needed time to contemplate all that was 2012, where I am in this moment , and what I want and hope for 2013.  There is always so much hype and activity around the celebrating of the holidays that I often don't get the chance to just stop and think and consider things. So when the celebrating had died down a little...I just took some time...and thought...and as always...in the stillness there was clarity. And I am thankful for the clarity. And I am thankful for all that was 2012.

There are no resolutions this year....but I have 2 hopes that I believe would contain within them any resolutions that I may have made for myself.

The first hope is that as I move forward and continue to tranform...that I can bring some alignment to all of the various aspects of my life.  I have areas of my life where I feel like I'm in a good place and moving forward and all is well. And I have areas of my life where I am struggling and need help. And then there is that essense of me that I mentioned earlier. When I look deeper at the places where things are well and the areas where things aren't well, the problem becomes clear to me. Those things that go well are usually those where I am able and aware enough to bring my true self to the table complete with all my lessons and growth. And those areas where I still struggle are those that for some reason I am not yet able to bring myself fully to the table. So as I said, my hope is to be able to bring more alignment into my life. So that in everything I do and everywhere I go I am always bringing ME as fully and completely as I can. And I believe that when I am able to master always making my top priority the bringing of me into every moment that all of the other pieces will begin to fall into place...almost effortlessly.

The second hope is that I learn to be more loving and better able to serve. I have seen with my own eyes and my own life how different and how much better everything is when there is love. And while I do my best to be loving I know that I fall short regularly. I don't expert to ever get it perfect. But I do hope that on some level I can just improve in this area and be better able to bring love into every situation and moment...especially those where it is the hardest to do so...because those are the ones that need it the most.  Along with that...because I believe they go hand in hand...is the hope that I can be of better service to the world. Sometimes we can serve by simply bringing love and I will try to do that. But where it is within my power and ability to bring more, to make life better, to leave a situation or person better than I found them, I hope that I am aware enough...humble enough...strong enough...brave enough and loving enough to do what needs to be done.

After all, I do believe this is why we are all here. I believe we are here so that we can wake up each day and fully appreciate the gradiosity that is life...that we can be in awe of our existence and ability to sift through all that life has to offer and try to make the best of it all...that we do our best to be aware and fully present in each moment accepting and appreciating all that life brings with it while understanding that it is all necessary and important...and to understand our capacity and ability to love and bring it to everything we do...and that while we are here enjoying our existence and living life to the fullest that we are also serving...making things better...helping one another...and contributing to this thing called life.

This is where I'm at and what I hope for 2013. How about you?

Much love...

Vanessa...in progress. (VIP)

And then there was Cancer...

I'm sure we have all been there. Or know someone who has been there. 

You're just going along, living your life, thinking we have all the time in the world to figure it all out. And then suddenly...there is Cancer. You or someone you love finds out that they have Cancer. And life is never the same again.

I have known many people that have died of cancer. Many of them were old when they were diagnosed so even though it was a shock, unexpected, tragic and difficult there is still a sense of 'they lived a good life' which helps you cope with everything a bit better. I have also known many people who have survived cancer. Mainly, breast cancer. And while the battle wasn't easy and some are still in the midst of the battle there is a light at the end of the tunnel for them.

But never have I been hit by cancer as hard as it has hit me this time. As many of you know a few weeks ago a very dear cousin of mine (44 year old non-smoker) was diagnosed with Stage 4 Lung Cancer (Non-Small Cell Adenocarcinoma). Look it up.  It's pretty serious stuff and the outlook is not good.

Now, before I continue I just want to say that I am very well aware that this illness is about HIM and his family and not about me. But because I cannot even begin to understand what this feels like from their perspective nor can I speak for him or his family I am sharing MY story, from my perspective as someone that loves him and cares about him and his family very much.

When I heard the news I was in shock...devastated...confused....sad....scared...worried...etc. I didn't even know what to feel. The same thoughts kept running through my mind - it can't be, he's too young, how can this happen, what does this mean, what is he going to do, etc.  And then came that other thought. The one I didnt want to think.  The thought of - what do I do?

The fact of the matter is I hadn't really seen or talked to my cousin in a long time. I loved him dearly and he has always been one of my favorite people in the whole world. But as life took its turns and I got all wrapped up in the dramas of my life, time went by and we lost touch. And so here we were...in this situation. And how can I reach out to him now when I havent talked to him in so long? How can I step in and be there for him when I havent been there all this time? I was so angry at myself and consumed with guilt.

I have lost a lot of people in my life starting at a very young age. And for as bad as that is it had always taught me a very important thing - we dont know how long we have with the people we love so always show the people you love that they are important to you.  And I have always tried my best to do just that.  But somewhere along the way I got lost and forgot it. Somewhere along the way I got sidetracked by the events of my life and seperated myself from many of the things and people that were important to me. I kind of know why it happened and I could sit here and make a million excuses for it. And they are good excuses. But still excuses. The fact is I let myself lose sight of what was important and put my energy into things that weren't.  And here....now....when confronted with the reality of this situation that reality is hitting me like a ton of bricks. So now...not only do I have to deal with my feelings about what my cousin is going through but I also have to deal with my own feelings of guilt for not having let him know all this time how important he was to me.

My philosphy has always been that the only way to undo a wrong is to replace it with a right. I couldnt go back and redo the time I had lost with him but I could start now and make sure he knew how much I love him...how much I have always loved him...and how much I will always love him. So I did just that. I'll never forget that first day I went to see him at the hospital. I was excited to see him but also scared. Scared because I wasnt sure what his state of mind was and what attitude he had about his illness. I was also scared because of my guilt. I felt that maybe he and his family would wonder why I was there. Why now? But regardless, I knew going was the right thing and so I went.

INSTANTLY I was reminded why I loved him so much and why he has always been one of my favorite people. First of all, there he was...laying down in pain dealing with this illness...and cracking jokes...being positive...and telling me how much he loved me and how happy he was that I was there. In an instant I was reminded what a beautiful, positive person he is and that we had a special connection that transcended whatever amount of time might have passed since we last saw each other.  I went to visit him that day trying to figure out how I was going to help lift his spirits and within minutes he had lifted mine. He's that awesome.

Since that day a lot has happened. My cousin is a warrior. He knows the road ahead is long and difficult but he has vowed to fight with everything in him every step of the way and to appreciate every day to the fullest extent. He is an such an inspiration and I am lucky to be a part of his family and honored to be able to support him along his journey. And I truly believe that if there is anyone on the face of the earth that can beat Cancer it's this guy. I put ALL my money on him.

But this blog isnt really about his cancer.  That journey has just begun and there will be alot to say down the line as we continue down the road of treatment and healing. This blog isnt really about my issues of guilt either.  The point is what the combination of those two things has given me and what I hope I can pass on to you through this blog.

You see, I'm not the kind of person that necessarily believes that everything happens for a reason. I think sometimes crappy stuff just happens. But I do believe that there is something to be learned in everything that happens. And when we fail to learn the lesson we dishonor what happened. I have thought long and hard about what I have learned and am still learning through this. And the learning is still in progress (as are we) but here is where I am:

• The small stuff doesnt matter. It never matters. It REALLY doesnt matter. So just let it go. I know it is not always easy and I'm not always going to get it right. But one of my new daily practices is to do a better job of putting life in its proper perspective and just not letting myself get stuck in the small stuff. Life is bigger than that.
• Focus on what is important. This of course is the opposite of the previous thought. Basically, we often don't have time for what is important to us because we are focused on the 'oh so not important in the grand scheme of life' things. And that's just not right. We have to make sure we give the proper attention to the proper things.
• Don't waste your time and life on people that don't matter or make you feel good. I can't even begin to tell you how much time and energy I have wasted on people that weren't worthy of me. There is absolutely no reason to every allow this to happen. So just don't.
• Show people that you love them NOW! I so wish that instead of wasting time on people that didnt matter I had been investing that time in my cousin and others I love. Make sure your energy is invested where your love is.
• Tomorrow is not promised to anyone so life fully NOW.  Don't wait until you have enough money, loose enough weight, or whatever other thing you are waiting for.  Live each moment to the fullest NOW! Now is all we have.
• In order to live life to the fullest you must express yourself fully. For so long I held back on fully expressing myself for fear of what some people might think (you know those people who I now realize don't really matter). But with everything that has happened with my cousin I've just realized that I really dont care what anyone thinks. I want to make sure that I don't reach the end of my life feeling like I left anything unexpressed. I want to have put all my cards on the table and played the hell out of them.
• And last...but not least...just be happy.  We can always find a million things that will annoy us or frustrate us or whatever. Or...we can literally...RIGHT NOW...just CHOOSE...to be happy.  Yes there may be things in our lives that are not perfect...but just be happy anyway.  Little by little start focusing on what you do have and what is good about your life and the more you focus on those things the better things will be.  Trust me. It works.

My cousin is fighting for his life. But he wakes up every day smiling, appreciating the love around him, basking in the beauty of each passing day, and expressing his love to everyone he can. The truth is he has always been that kind of guy. He never sweat the small stuff. And he always gave the best of himself to everything and everyone around him. But now, in the midst of his illness, when he would have every right to be angry and discouraged he does just the opposite. He appreciates his life even more. He sweats the small stuff even less. He is my hero. He inspires me so much.  And he has changed me in these past few weeks more than he can even begin to understand.

Please dont wait for something like this to happen in your life for you to take stock of where you are. Are you focused on who and what is important? Do the people you love know you love them? Are you living your life to the fullest? Are you happy? If you have something you need to change, change it now. Don't wait. Please.

And I can't end this blog without leaving you with a personal request. If you believe in prayer, please pray for my cousin. Please pray for everyone who is struggling with an illness. Please pray for everyone that is going through a tough time in their life. Offer your prayers and send them love. It makes a difference.

AND...if you can find it in your heart to give a gift to help my cousin and his family please visit:

www.giveforward.com/erniesarmyofangels

We've built him an Army of  Angels...some that know him and many that don't but have been touched by his story and inspired by his journey. I hope that you choose to be an Angel for Ernie too. 

But either way....thank you for listening to our story.

Much love,

Vanessa...in progress. (VIP)

I Figured Out My Funk!

Those of you that have been following my blog for a while now know that I have talked about being in a FUNK on and off over the past few years. You may also have noticed that I have not had any posts since I wrote about the betrayal incident in January. Well, needless to say I went into another FUNK after that betrayal and it took me a while to get myself to a point of understanding what happened, dealing with it, and moving passed it. While going through that process I kept thinking - "How did I get here...again!?!?!?!" And by here...I mean...the FUNK.

Now, for those that have not been following my blog and may be here for the first time, let me explain what I mean by FUNK. Basically, for me, it’s this state of not necessarily being depressed but not being happy. It feels like not being satisfied with where I am but not knowing where I want to go. I feel like there is something I must do to de-FUNK myself but not having a clue as to what that is. There is never a clear or absolute reason for the FUNK nor is it always clear how and when the FUNK arrived. But there comes a moment when I realize...oh...here it is again. And then it seems that it leaves as quietly as it came. No major event that washed it away. It's just sort of gone. Perhaps sometimes I have some epiphanies during the FUNK or it does motivate me to do something...anything. So, they are sometimes useful. But most of the time it's just sort of there....and then it isn't. And I'm just left with that same question - "How did I get here...again?!?!"

This time...the question rang even louder…almost to the point of being deafening. I've been doing so much work on myself, reading, praying, meditating, learning, trying to be a better person, being kinder, being more loving, etc. Was it all for nothing? How could I be seemingly putting all this work into being a better person and yet end up betrayed and back in a funk. Was I that off the mark? Was I kidding myself? Should I just throw in the towel? WHAT THE FUNK!?!?!?!?

But...anyone who knows me...knows...that while I always like to have my overly dramatic outburst (see paragraph above) that I NEVER throw in the towel and I always follow up my tirade with action never giving up hope that this time will be THE time that I figure it all out.

I've been so FUNK-focused since January that I haven’t even been able to write. I didn’t know what to say. Surely there were many things that have happened that I could have shared but I just couldn’t bring myself to write. Usually when I write, whether it’s good or not, interesting or not, it’s all real and from the heart. And I just couldn’t get to that place of sharing what was real and loving inside me...because I was so lost in my FUNK.

So...I quietly toiled away at trying to figure it all out for myself...sometimes actively thinking it through and sometimes temporarily forgetting all about it only to inevitably come back to it later.

And then it just hit me! I'm driving in my car...listening to an audiobook...when something I hear in the book just smacks me across the face! OMG! It's been so obvious for so long. How did I miss it. How could I not see it. I've read it a million times in a million different books. I've heard it a million times in a million different ways from a million different people. It's just so painfully obvious its almost embarrassing to admit that I hadn’t yet figured it out.

I kept finding myself in a FUNK because I had disconnected from myself.

That's it, Vanessa? That's your big epiphany!?!?

YES!

It may sound simple...and I guess in many ways IT IS SIMPLE! But I think that it’s SO simple and I had heard it philosophically and theoretically so many times that it had become a sort of cliché. It was a familiar statement that you sort of knew what it meant but didn’t REALLY know what it meant and it didn’t apply to you anyway so...whatever. I mean...disconnected from myself? What does that mean? I'm here. This is my body. I'm in it. So...I'm not disconnected. I'm introspective. I'm constantly self-examining. I'm always trying to better understand myself. If there is anyone that is CONNECTED to herself…IT'S ME! Or so I thought...

NOW...I know what it means! NOW...I get it! NOW...I understand! And NOW...I see how disconnected I have been despite all my attempts to be connected.

What I've realized is that all that reading...all that introspection...all that self-examination was not a waste. It was necessary for me to lay the foundation for myself so that I could one day be ready to TRULY understand and accept the idea that I was actually disconnected. This was no longer some abstract philosophical or theoretical concept. It was real! I got it! I got it deep within my soul...finally! I figured out my FUNK!

I will try my best to explain to you what I mean by being disconnected but I'm sure many of you will just hear it at words and will probably react like I did at first - That's it, Vanessa? That's your big epiphany!?!?! I'm sure many of you will react as I did whenever I heard or read it somewhere - yeah...whatever. And you should react that way. Because what I know now is that until you can FEEL that disconnect inside of you cannot KNOW it.

My disconnection was about how far I had moved away from the core of who I was. There was once this little girl named Vanessa who was amped about life and believed anything was possible. She wanted to take the world by storm. She wanted every day to be a celebration. She couldn’t get enough out of life or give enough of herself to it. She was awesome!

And then life happened...again...and again. In so many ways I believed life was telling me...literally or metaphorically...that the dreams weren't possible...that you couldn't celebrate everyday...that’s impossible. I came to believe that this was all there was and I just had to make the best of it and arrive as safely and intact at the end of my life as I possibly could trying to just be the best person I can be. And the 'glory' came in being able to say "I made it!" at the end of it all. To be able to say that I survived all the trials and tribulations and they didn’t break me would be my claim to fame.

Well who wouldn't be in a FUNK with that thinking!?!?!?!?

The reality is you can let go of those dreams and desires intellectually. But your heart, your soul, your spirit, your being...NEVER lets go of them. Every moment of every day they all collectively try calling you back to yourself...back to your dreams...back to the things that drive you and inspire you and need you just like you need them. No matter how much you might try to just forget about them because you think life has told you they are not possible you can never forget about them inside of yourself. Those dreams and desires must be tended to...and nurtured...and nourished...so that they can be born through you. If not...you will forever be FUNKEDIFIED!

So here I was thinking I was doing a great job at becoming a better person. Learning to be more serene and still. Learning to be a better person. Learning to be kinder and more loving. Learning, learning, learning. Important...but...boring, boring, boring. And inside I was SCREAMINGGGGGGGGGGGGGGG the whole time trying to get my own attention but I had learned through many bumps and bruises to just ignore that noise inside myself.

But now...since I was learning...that voice inside was becoming harder and harder to ignore. It was reaching a fever pitch that manifested itself into a deafening FUNK.

All this time I had tried to ignore the FUNK by distracting myself with so many things (that in most cases I knew weren't right for me) but I distracted myself anyway because in those moments the familiarity of distraction felt safer than the fear of the unknown that was sure to come if I allowed myself to hear myself and open myself back up to the possibilities.

But I hear you now. I'm not afraid. I'm open. So...speak to me, Vanessa...I'm listening! I will not ignore you anymore. Let's do this!

Much love,

Vanessa...in progress. (VIP)

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Nothing like a little betrayal to start the year!

As always, we start every new year full of hope and excitement about what the year will bring. I ended 2011 on a really strong and upbeat note and felt sure that I would transition into 2012 on the same note. I was certain that 2012 would be an amazing year.

Then, before the first month of the year was even over I was hit with the revelation that I had been betrayed in such a sick, demented, and disturbing way that I am still unable to even process what happened.

I am not going to share the details of what occurred. This is out of respect for the betrayer (because their dysfunction does not mean that I have to lower myself by attacking them) and out of respect for my need to fully process this before I can share it openly in a way that is constructive and helpful and not about just gossiping.

But I do feel the need to share certain things that I have learned at this point. Please keep in mind that it is less than one week since I found out about this betrayal so I am still processing and I'm sure there are many other lessons that I will learn down the line. But, from where I stand today there are some clear, solid lessons that I feel compelled to express for my own healing. And so that I can move forward.

So here is what I've learned:

There are some seriously damaged people in the world. I guess I always knew this to be true. Trust me, I have unfortunately had the opportunity to know many troubled people. However, I don't think I ever understood JUST how damaged a person could actually be, especially when they appear to be so normal. And not only can they appear normal, but they can also convincingly appear to be your best friend and greatest advocate. So, what I've learned through this is that anyone is capable of anything and while I will never go around assuming the worst of people, I do think it helps to know and understand just how damaged a person can be because it helps in detecting it when necessary.

Crazy people make you feel crazy. A good friend told me this a long time ago and while I did experience that to be true at times, never have I realized it so powerfully than now. The reality is that if through most of your life you feel pretty normal, and most of your interactions with people feel pretty normal, but there is that ONE person that whenever you interact with them it makes you feel a little crazy and/or takes you out of character, that is a red flag. And feeling 'crazy' can take several different forms. It can be something as simple as interactions with that person always making you question what you know to be true and making you doubt yourself. When you finally do realize that there is that one person that keeps making you feel a little crazy do what you have to do to remove them from your life. If it is someone you love, it is ok to still love them, but sometimes the best way to love yourself and someone else is to love them from afar.

Sometimes intution speaks softly. When I discovered what had occurred and the severity of the betrayal I was upset with myself for not realizing it sooner. And then as I began to process it I realized that I did see the signs. My intuition was speaking to me, but in whispers. I remember clearly moments where something just didnt sit right with me. And it was in those moments where I felt like I was 'crazy' for having such crazy thoughts. I, being a relatively healthy and sane person could not grasp that these 'crazy' thoughts I was having could possible be true, so I assumed that I was the crazy one. Several times it even made me behave in a crazy way which would make me feel disappointed in myself afterwards. But, again, despite all of this I kept 'ignoring' my quiet instincts because I could not accept that what they were telling me could be possible. Learn to listen closely to your instincts. They will never fail you.

I have definitely grown and changed. There was a time not long ago that this would have broken me. It would have sent me into a serious depression, made me close up and disconnect from the world, stop trusting people, and build a wall around me to never let anyone in again. Not this time. I'm not going to lie, this has greatly impact me and shaken me. I have definitely been grieving. But,I have gone through it all with tremendous grace and peace that it even surprises me. I know that this is because of many things. But basically, it is because through the past couple of years I have reconnected with my faith and centered myself. Because of that I have ebeen able to see this situation through different eyes and that has made a drastic difference in how I have been able to deal with this. And instead of letting it break me or tear me down, I've been able to process all of the negative associated with this and transform it into positive energy that I am using to propel me forward.

Take the high road. Again, I know how much I have changed because years ago this whole thing would have gotten very ugly. I would have declared an all out war against the person that harmed me and I would have fought that war until I was victorious. But again, not this time. I have processed it all through LOVE. And that's why I can stand here and still feel love for this person. As a matter of fact they have made me out to be the villain in all of this, as damaged people will often do. I think that damaged people are so damaged that they themselves cannot accept and process their disturbing behavior. And so, when confronted with what they have done must turn it around and make you the bad guy. They have to make you be the crazy one and cut you out of their world in order to maintain the facade to the other people in their life. I'm ok with that. I've chosen to take the high road. I could be GOING OFF on this person right now and retaliating and causing a lot of damage in their life and NO ONE would blame me for doing so because they would understand. But I'm just not going to go there. Not because they deserve my compassion, but because I deserve to take the high road for myself. Allowing myself to lower myself and behave in that way will not change what has occurred but it will keep me in the negative energy that surrounds this situation. Instead I'm choosing to cut off all of the negativity and to cut my losses and lift myself up and out of it with my head held high. I am strong enough and willing to be the villain in this if that is what they need me to be. I can do that because I know that I will move forward, heal, and my life will continue to evolve and I will be good. And I know that they will not. I do not feel good about that. It hurts me to know how troubled they are. But I also know that it is not my problem. I wish this person well. I hope they find healing for themselves. As for me, I'll be ok. There is no doubt in my mind.

It's all about perspective. I started this year believing that 2012 was going to be the best year ever. And it is. I am not going to focus on this because as bad as it is, it is temporary and years from now it will have just been a moment in time. It does not define me. And it will not dictate the direction of my life. I am making a choice to focus on the positive. I am focused on the aspects of all of it that I am thankful for - my friends that helped me through it, the fact that I discovered it before it got worse, the fact that I am free of it and now have more time and energy to dedicate to the other more important things in my life. My life is fantastic and full of many awesome and amazing things. I am a good (not perfect) person who is always striving to be better. And this, as horrible as it is, is insignificant in the grand scheme of my life and life in general. 2012 is still a great year and great things are on their way. As a matter of fact, they are already here.

I have some real angels in my life. I cannot end this blog without acknowledging the amazing friends I have in my life. I know that I have changed and I do give myself props for handling this more gracefully than I would have in the past. But, I have to keep it real. I know that a MAJOR reason why I did not completely lose my mind because of a small group of friends who stayed with me as I went through this. During a time of shock and disbelief and questioning everything, they were my rocks and my reality. They kept me grounded and were my safe place to fall as I went through all of it. And out of the many positive things I'm pulling out of this, I am most grateful for the opportunity that this has given me to remind me what amazing people I have in my life. Every once in a while a negative person might creep in but they will never be able to stay for long because there is too much light and goodness in my life. And negative people cannot survive in that light and goodness.

As I said before, I'm barely a week into this, and so I'm sure that as I continue to move forward I will have many more realizations, lessons, etc. And perhaps at some point when I'm far enough away from this I will be able to share it in all its detail. But for now, what is important to know is that I cannot and will not be broken. And more importantly, not only will I not be broken, but I will always use every adversity to make me better.

Life is always beautiful. And its when it is darkest that you can see and appreciate the beauty of the stars.

Much love,

Vanessa...in progress.(VIP)

Goodbye 2011, Hello 2012!

I can hardly believe that 2011 is over. It's been quite a year!

I can honestly say that 2011 has been one of the best years of my life. From the outside looking in, I'm sure it seemed as though nothing major really happened. But what did happen was a critical internal shift in my perspective on life...and that shift has made all the difference.

I started 2011 in a not so great place. Little did I know that although the place I was in was a little painful, it ended up lighting a fire in me that set off a chain of choices and events that have brought me to this amazing place I am at now.

As 2011 comes to a close, I find myself happier than I have ever been even though my external circumstances are not much different than they were before...I find myself more at peace than I have ever been even though I am often still surrounded by chaos...and I find myself more hopeful than I have ever been because I now understand life a bit better.

I didn't really make 'resolutions' last year, but last year I blogged a list of things that I wanted to incorporate into how I lived my life in 2011. For the most part I think I made good on that list. Obviously, it wasn't perfect, but I did make many of those a part of how I now move through life and that has helped me to be a much happier and more peaceful person.

Through lots of trials and lots of errors I learned a lot during this year. If I had to sum it all up I would say that the top 5 lessons I learned in 2011 were:

1) This too shall pass. - There is no need to stress anything. Easier said than done, but in the end it's always true. Everything is temporary and whatever you are going through will pass. So give it its due attention and not a drop more, learn from it what you can, and then let it pass.

2) Respond instead of react. - For so long I believed that the quicker and more forceful my reaction the stronger I was and that I 'won' somehow. I've learned that there is a beauty and grace that comes with pausing and thinking so that you can respond out of love instead of reacting out of anger.

3) Letting go is the best way of holding on. - For so long I dealt with my fears and insecurities by holding on tightly to everything and the more afraid I was of losing something the tighter I held on. I FINALLY learned that holding on tightly is the most sure fire way of losing everything. Love liberates. We must learn to let go.

4)Love yourself first and foremost. - You are of no use to yourself or the world if your cup is empty. I spent so much time trying to fill the cup of others at the expense of my own. It's become CRYSTAL CLEAR that it just doesnt work like that. I need to fill and nourish myself first and foremost and from that place of fullness I can give the best of myself to others.

5) There is nothing I can't do or have. - This year I most definitely learned that the sky is the limit. The only limits are the ones we place on ourselves out of fear, insecurity, doubt, etc. I now know that when I overcome the impulse to limit myself, when I believe that I deserve the outcome I'm hoping for, and when I remember that I can handle ANYTHING that comes across my path, the possibilities are endless and the rewards are overflowing.

I'm not trying to pretend that I live this way 24/7 and that I never falter. The fact is that I usually come back to this new way of thinking/being AFTER I've already messed something up by first resorting to old habits. Then it hits me...oh yeahhhhhh...remember that lesson I learned...so let me try this new way...and without fail...when I remember to try the new way...it either works out or a new door is opened...always.

So, as I think back on 2011 I realize that it was an awesome year. Again, not because some major event took place but because I became a better person in so many ways and that has allowed me to live a much better life.

Because of these changes I head into 2012 ready...fearless...and hopeful. And while 2011 was a year of lots of internal changes, I can already tell that it laid the foundation for 2012. As I move through this next year as a more evolved Vanessa...a Vanessa in progress...I know that I will begin to see my external circumstances start to shift to reflect the changes that have taken place within.

There are no resolutions for 2012...no grand statements about what I'm going to accomplish or how I'm going to do things differently. As I move into 2012 all I know is that I'm going to take it one moment at a time, give the best of myself in each of those moments and know that if I do that the best will always come back to me. And that's all any of us ever really have to do.

I hope all of you are ending 2011 on a high note and that you are filled with love and hope going into 2012. Wishing you all a very happy New Year!

Much love,

Vanessa...in progress.(VIP)

Letting Go...

For as much transformation as I feel I have gone through since starting this blog over a year ago, every so often I have a setback and feel as though I haven't actually made any progress at all. Intellectually, of course, I know that I have. But in the emotional center of the setback all I can see and feel is where I am in that moment and nothing else that I have accomplished seems to matter.

So here I am, in the emotional center of a setback, yet again. And because I HAVE changed and I HAVE learned a few things on this journey, I know enough that when things start feeling crazy and I'm losing control over my thoughts and feelings, that I need to be still. So, I did that today. I took some time to just quiet my mind, body, and soul. And in that quiet space, there was clarity, as there always is (which makes me wonder why I always wait so long to get still in the first place, but I digress). Of course, I wouldnt say there was clarity about EVERYTHING that I'm dealing with. But there was clarity about one very central issue that I believe does effect everthing else.

What I realized is this...

I just need to LET GO...of EVERYTHING!

The thing is that I HAVE progressed significantly through the past year and a half. I have learned a lot about myself, about life, about others, etc. But as I move forward with each new lesson, I still carry into it all my 'stuff'. And so while there is change and there is improvement, I'm still tethered to my 'stuff' and so there is only so far that I can go and grow.

So...what is my 'stuff'? Well...it's a lot of things.

I have my STORIES - stories about who I was growing up; stories about the things that have happened to me throughout my life; stories about who I am; stories about who I thought I was supposed to grow up to be; etc.

I have my BELIEFS - beliefs about what my role in life is; beliefs about my value; beliefs about what I think I'm worth; beliefs about what I think I deserve; beliefs about who my friends are, etc.

I have my EXPECTATIONS - expectations of my own behavior; expectations of the behavior of family, friends, the world, etc.

I have my JUDGEMENTS - judgements about what is right or wrong; good or bad; acceptable or unacceptable; etc.

The list goes on and on and on...but I think you get the point.

And...what I realized when I allowed myself to be still...was that I am bringing all of this 'stuff' into every situation...consciously and subconsciously. I see everything that happens as it relates to what has happened to me in the past. I see everything from the perspective of who I think I am and the role I'm supposed to play in life. I see everything in the context of whether or not it met my expectations. I see everything as either good or bad or right or wrong. And as a result, I live each experience in my head, with all this 'stuff' swirling around not letting me just experience the moment for what it is.

I know that on some level our 'stuff' is important. We grow through life by what we learn from our experiences. The problem is that the way I interpreted things in the past, before going on this journey, were very much from a place of pain and anger. And so I created this life based on those experiences and the life that surrounds me is reflective of those beliefs and actions. What I'm coming to realize is that there is a part of me that has move beyond that. There is a part of me that now understands life at a higher level and wants to go there. But as I said before, I'm tethered, and I didnt realize until today what was holding me back.

My inner turmoil at the moment comes from the frustration of being in a reality of my own creation that is no longer reflective of who I am or who I am trying to become. I feel as though my current surroundings are not conducive to helping me along the rest of this journey. And so I feel stuck...in part because of my current surroundings as I said...but also stuck because of all my 'stuff' that does not allow me the freedom to break free and just BE...and allow myself to create new stories, beliefs, expectations, judgements, etc. that are born from a place of love and empowerment and strength instead of from pain and anger.

So it is now clear to me that I have to let go of all of it...of everything I believe to be true...about who I think I am...about who I think the people in my life are to me...about what life is supposed to look like. I have to let it all go. And I have to start over. I have to go through each experience with stillness and openness and create a new reality for myself.

And as much as I know that cutting these ties that are holding me back is necessary, I am terrified. As Alanis Morissette says in one of her songs - "These precious illusions in my head did not let me down when I was defenseless. And parting with them is like parting with invisible best friend". I don't know who I am without these illusions. But I know now that they are just illusions and that the time has come to let them go so that I can be who I want to be.

I also know that letting go will also probably result in the loss of a lot of relationships...for many reasons. Some because they will not understand or support the transition that I'm going through. Some because they are relationships that hold me back and so they will just not be able to come on the journey with me. And some because realistically, the only reason they still exist is because I hold on to them so tightly. And I know that once I let go they will likely disappear. But I'm willing to step out into the unknown. It's more than being willing. It's that I MUST. My soul is tearing me apart from the inside out because it will not allow me to be at peace with what is because I am ready for more. Some changes must be made. And I'm finally ready to make them.

So...as I said...step one...is to LET GO...of all of it...

And...step two...is to just be still...and breathe...

To Be Continued...

Much Love,

Vanessa...in progress. (VIP)

Greatness is not for a chosen few...

For most of my life I have longed for something great...for something beyond me...beyond the life I was living day to day. I never seemed to want what everyone else around me wanted and I always felt that I was never satisfied by the things that seem to satisfy others. I believed that I was crazy for feeling this way and that I should just learn to accept my reality and find a way to be content with it. Who was I to long for greatness? I was just Vanessa. Greatness...I came to believe...was reserved for 'special' people. I was just meant to be one of the mediocre masses just floating through life and making the best of it.

This belief forced me to give in and give up on ever trying to be more. At a very early age I gave up on my dreams and learned accept my current reality. But the longing never left and continued to burn deep inside.

I think that many times through the years I tried to satisfy that yearning by doing things that would provide me with temporary excitment and thrills to distract me from the reality that I desired more. The distraction worked for a while but after several years, even those behaviors stopped providing gratification of any kind and the emptiness persisted.

Since I've been on this journey of looking inward, nourishing my soul and trying to get to know myself all over again I've realized that I've been very wrong for very long. Not only have I realized that the desire for more will never go away, I have also realized that it won't go away because it knows better than me. I've come to realize that the burning desire inside of me knows that I am in fact meant for greatness. We all are. It is not something that is meant for a chosen few. It is something that WE must choose for ourselves. And in choosing it, we must then believe it is possible and pursue it without hesitation or doubt!

This is the space that I am currently in. I have finally come to the point where I am no longer willing to ignore the voice inside me that has been screaming for more. I am no longer willing to accept that it is not possible for me to acheive each and every dream that my mind can conceive. I am no longer willing to allow my fears of failure, judgement, rejection or denial stand in the way of my acheivement of ANYTHING. From the space I am currently in I KNOW that I am ready, willing and able to do anything my heart desires. Every fiber of my being is now pushing me forward and not allowing me to settle for anything less than amazing. I now KNOW that what I thought was impossible is not only possible...but it is in fact...alreay mine. I only have to go and claim it.

I also know now that every moment of my life until now has been preparing me for THIS moment. I know that every difficulty and blessing that I have experienced ahs been building in me the wisdom, skills, drive, perseverence, etc. that I would need to capitalize on this moment and catapult myself into a realm of success that I would have never before dreamed was possible for me.

I have made up my mind. I am moving full steam ahead into the realm of all of my wildest dreams. I am ready to encounter whatever the journey may bring and to use every experience as an oppportunity for further growth.

I will not be deterred. I have a vision. And I'm making it happen!

Watch me...

Much love...

Vanessa...in progress. (VIP)

Friend or Foe?

Friends have always been a very important part of my life. I was never very trusting of people and it took a lot for me to let someone in to my inner circle. But...once they were in I gave them 150% of myself. I was honest, loyal, loving, caring, supportive, etc. And...I expected the same in return. Often, I didnt get it. But...they were my friends. So regardless, I maintained my loyalty to the relationships and continually worked through the rough spots. Many times I felt like I was the only one working.

I have always felt that being a good friend was one of my best qualities. That's not to say that I think I was flawless at it. Looking back on the years, I know that I could be pretty judgmental, demanding, bitchy, crazy, and draining at times. And I'm forever grateful to those friends of mine that stuck through all of that. I dont know what I would have done without them. But, I also know what I gave to them. As I said before, I was beyond loyal. I went out of my way to celebrate them and give them love. During rough times, I tried my best to be there for them and support them. And as the years passed, and we got older, I made a point of reaching out to them and maintaining the relationship. I know that there are many important friendships in my life that would not exist today if I were not the one to continually reach out.

Many of my friendships have been great, with the occassional rough spot here and there...as is to be expected in relationships. But many of them have been difficult and draining. But, my philosphy at the time was that once you were in my inner circle you were there for life no matter what. And of course, this has caused a lot of unnecessary drama and difficulty in my life throughout the years.

I think its really only been in this last year of major transition that I've really figured out that it doesnt have to be like that...nor should it. I've realized that all that energy and focus that I was putting on giving unconditional love and support to my 'friends' and maintaining those relationships was better spent on giving those things to MYSELF. I realized that I had to first fill my cup before I could fill anyone else's. I realized that in order for me to REALLY be as good of a friend as I wanted to be...a friend without the demands and judgements...among other things...I needed to first fully be me. And so I turned the focus and energy inward and began to restructure my life.

And...then...an incredible thing happened. The more I learned to REALLY love and accept myself...and fully step in to who I am...the clearer I was able to see the different relationships in my life. It became extremely clear which relationships nurtured me...strengthened me...lifted me up...supported me...and brought out the best in me. It became EXTREMELY clear which relationships drained me...weakened me...brought me down...made me question myself...and prevented me from growing and being ME. And it became extremely clear that those negative relationships were standing in the way of me being happy.

The problem was that the 'old' Vanessa either liked you or hated you. There was no in between. So what should I do now that I felt I needed to sever some of these relationships but at the same time felt some inner conflict about letting them go because we had shared some good times through the years...and I had always believed we would be friends to the end...no matter what.

Long story short...I've learned that the most important thing is to be a good friend to yourself and that nothing and noone should interefere with that. Those that bring positive energy to your life...make you feel good...encourage you to be the best that you can be...and leave you feeling energized and happy...are the realtionships that you need to keep close to you and share the best of yourself with. Those that can't see and appreciate all that you are...bring negative energy into your life...and leave you feeling depleted and down...need to be kept at a healthy distance. Sometimes its not possible to completely delete them from your lives because of the surrounding circumstances. But you can keep them at a healthy distance while still sending them love and appreciating the place they once had in your life.

At the end of the day the way you treat yourself...and the people and energy that you allow to surround you will dictate the quality of your life and the level of your happiness. There is no reason to be unhappy. And there is no reason to invest time or energy in people that don't invest in you and lift you up. Besides, you need to save that energy to invest in yourself and the relationships that DO invest back in you and lift you up. And...I promise...once you start doing that...more and more positive people start showing up in your life and the happier and better you become.

So...to everyone that has been a friend at some point in my life...thanks for the good times. To those that I needed to pull away from...I send you love and wish you nothing but the best. And to those that are still around and I now keep close...thank you for helping bring out the best in me!

Much Love...to all...

Vanessa...in progress. (VIP)

To all the men I've 'loved' before...

First of all let me clarify the word love in this context...

At this point in my life I feel like I can truly say that I have never known REAL love. I have come to a place in my life that I believe that REAL love (at least the kind of love I'm looking for)requires both people be open and honest and able to give and receive from a place of wholeness. I believe that only from that place can a real exchange and sharing of love take place. I know that I have never been in that place before where I was able to offer myself in that way. And I know that I have never been with anyone that was in a place to offer that to me.

That's not to say that those relationships were not real, or special in their own way. They most definitely were. But...when I say love...in this sense...I mean the love you feel for someone just because they are a fellow human being...because you shared a period of time with them that was special in some way...and because in my own way I gave of myself to them in the best way that I knew how...at that moment in my life.

I also say love...because today...I realize how necessary they each were to my internal evolution. I know that each and every one of them taught me something about what I want...what I don't want...and whether I realized it at the moment or not...the time spent with them taught me things about myself which over time have collectively lead to the place I am today. So while once I may have been bitter and angry and felt regret about the having wasted my time in a relationship that ended badly or with someone that I felt wasn't worth my time and energy in the end...I realize now that each one of them has played an important role in my life and I wouldnt be me...without them.

So...given all of that...this is sort of my 'love letter' to each of them...thanking them for the important role they each played in my life...and the lessons it taught me.

To Mr. Love #1

Since the moment I laid eyes on you, you were my everything. You are the one that the rest have all been compared to. I have never again felt that pure and open love with no boundaries. You taught me about my own incredible capacity to love and that what I want is a friend with who I have deep and special connection. And even though life took its turns and for many reasons we could no longer be together, you also taught me that that love like that never ends. And even though you are no longer with us, I still carry you in my heart every day and you are with me wherever I go.

To Mr. Love #2

To this day I dont think that any man has ever loved me with the level of intensity and honesty that you did and for as long as you did.  It wasn't until recently that I realized what kept drawing me back to you all of these years. It was the certainty of you. I was certain that you loved me. I was certain that you would be there. In an uncertain world...certainty can become very intoxicating. But we got to a point where I couldnt handle us anymore. The honesty became too raw for me. Even though I know that honesty helped me in the long run and has been the catalyst to some significant transformation in my life...it got too hard for me. I didn't feel safe anymore. Our relationship taught me that I do want to be with someone I can feel secure with and depend on and whose love I am certain of...but I also realized that it needs to be a space where I can be me...always...in progress...and not feel constantly judged or corrected for being flawed.  I need to feel free to trip and fall and figure things out for myself and to know that I will still be loved through all of it. So...even though we had to eventually part ways...again...I know I would not be me...without you. I thank you for loving me so much...and for the gift of that special love and connection that only we could understand. I will always wonder...what if...  

To Mr. Love #3

You were definitely different from the rest of them...in so many ways. You were my first 'good guy'. We really had something good that I think I just wasn't ready for and couldn't fully appreciate at the time. And...really...I just wasn't the one for you. You loved me...but you always wanted me to be just a little bit different...and I wasn't...and would never be. I have nothing but good thoughts and memories of us. But I also know that we had to go our seperate ways or we would have ended up very unhappy. You taught me that I want to be with someone that loves me for who I am...just the way I am. But no matter what we always treated each other with love and respect and that will always give you a special place in my heart.

To Mr. Love #4

You were the right guy at the right time. Boy...did we had some good times. You were my sweet escape. We were all fun...nothing serious. And that was exactly what we both wanted from each other. It worked out perfectly. In a way I think that our time together brought me back to life...and got me back in touch with parts of myself that I had forgotten. Nothing but smiles whenever I think of you. As a matter of fact...whenever I think of you I get the urge to track you down. But I know that that was a different time and we wouldnt work like that anymore. But it was perfect while it lasted. Thank you for reminding me that its important to just have fun. You taught me that I want to be with someone who I can get lost with in pure bliss. But you also taught me that when it's time to get found...the person you're with has to want to get found too. You weren't that guy...and that's cool. It doesnt take away from any of the fun we had. You definitely rocked my world!

To Mr. Love #5

I almost hesitate to even write anything about you. Thinking about us is still so difficult. Not because it was bad...but just because there are still many questions left unanswered and issues unresolved...and there is nothing I can do about it. What I know for sure is that the time we shared taught me that I want to be with someone I can laugh with...and someone that has a good heart...like you did. But you also taught me that I need someone that that I can count on and rely on...and you couldn't be that guy. Our short time together also taught me important lessons about family, friends, life and death. The world has definitely not been the same without you...and I'm extremely grateful for having had the opportunity to know you. Thanks for the good times and for leaving me with a new group of extended family and friends.

To Mr. Love #6

Well...my life was really never the same again after you. This one is pretty complicated so I'll sum it up by saying...that I know now that you were a necessary part of my life. My time with you made me question everything about myself. I became a shell of a human being and was completely lost for a long time..and I was angry about it for a LONG time. But after fighting my way back to myself I have realized what a tremendous gift you were in my life. As crazy as our 'relationship' was (if we can even really call it a relationship) it was the 'rock bottom' that I needed to hit in order to stop making some of the really bad decisions I was making, get serious about my life...and recreate myself. And as difficult as the whole thing was I wouldnt change it for a moment...especially because it gave me the greatest gift that life could ever give me - my daughter! And she has been the motivation for everything good I have done since she was born. So...thank you for forcing me to hit my reset button and for the gift of my daughter...which has brought me the greatest joy and been my guiding light through life.

To Mr. Love #7

Really...you shouldn't even be in this list of men because we didnt even really have a relationship. And you, yourself, were not all that significant in my life. But our very brief exchange taught me so much about myself that I felt that it was important to include it in this list. In so many ways you were my full circle moment. In some way, shape or form, our time together kicked up all of the insecurities and fears that I had developed over time. But it was the missing piece for me. In many ways it was the period at the end of a very long sentence. It allowed me to finally step into myself in how I relate to men. It allowed me to finally let go of all of those insecurities and fears and begin an adventure of self discovery that would prove to completely transform me as a person. This experience taught me that I'm finally ready for a 'good guy' but he has to actually BE a good guy and not just be acting like one. You taught me that I won't settle for anything less than a man for which honesty and integrity are a top priority. The most important lessons I learned were that true strength is found in learning to be vulnerable...that I alone know what is right for me...that I CAN trust my own judgement...that I WILL act in my best interest when I allow myself to...and that I am ready....and those lessons have made all the difference in my life. So...while you were the least significant 'relationship'...I still owe you the biggest thank you.

While there were others in between the 'SUPER SEVEN' these are the ones that I feel had the greatest impact and taught me the greatest lessons that have transformed my life

As I said in the beginning...today...I know who I am...I know what I bring to the table...I'm ready to bring it to the table with openness and love and confidence...I know what I want...I know I have the ability to recognize it and embrace it when I find it...and that I have the strength of character and self worth to walk away when I know it's not right. And regardless of if or when I find it...I am already complete and have everything I need.

So...again...to all the men I've 'loved' before...and to all of you...

Thanks...and much love.

Vanessa...in progress. (VIP)

It's my birthday...and I'll blog if I want to...

I can't believe it has been a whole year since I started this blog! Happy Birthday to me...and my blog!

I have to say this has very proven to be the BEST year of my entire life...in so many ways.

From making the initial choice to start this journey and put my life out there for all to see...experiencing my daughter go through Kindergarten...getting stuck in a funk which I would later learn would be the key to me turning my entire life around...getting a dog...learning how to be brutally but lovingly honest...learning to truly see and count my blessings...dealing with an extremely brief 'fling' gone 'bad'...rediscovering who I am and being able to reconnect with that...exploring a new way of traveling through life that feels more natural and comfortable and is much more enjoyable and fun...remembering how to respect and honor myself and my emotions...being reminded and inspired to live my best life by dealing with the loss of a loved one...falling madly and unconditionally in love with myself and life even if I'm a little crazy or maybe especially because I'm a little bit crazy...reconnecting with my faith...learning to love and not judge and always strive to be the best me I can be...and finally learning that true stength is found in vulnerability...whew...

And those are just the overarching lessons...inside each one are many small yet impactful lessons that have truly transformed me in a way I would have never thought possible when I started this journey one year ago. And yet...with all that change I know its only the beginning. I know that all I have done is clear out a lot of the cobwebs that were blocking my path...and now with all the cobwebs cleared...and my path wide open and laid out in front of me...I can begin to travel down that path with a steadfast clarity about who I am and who I'm not...what I want and what I dont...what I'm willing to compromise on and what I'm not...and complete confidence in my ability to navigate it all. And I can take that journey with an openness I've never had before to let it all in...knowing that it all has a purpose and I will always be the better for it.

Today I'm celebrating my 37th birthday but in many ways I feel like my life is just beginning. Today I step out...born again...and ready...to take on another year...with a me that seems to be new and born again each and every day...

I can hardly wait to see what experiences are before me...and the lessons they will teach me...and the ways that they will transform me... And I plan to smile and laugh as much as I can along the way.

Thanks so much for taking this ride with me...and I hope you stick around for the rest of it.

Much love...

Vanessa...in progress. (VIP)