Living Out Loud...

I've always been a bit LOUD.  Not only am I literally LOUD but I guess you can kind of say that I've always lived out LOUD meaning that I have always lived my life very out in the open for all to see. Throughout the years I've encountered people that enjoy and are entertained by my 'loudness'. And I've also encountered those that are put off by it and just don't get it. I never really gave any of it much thought. I was just living. It was just who I was. But recently, I had reason to stop and think about it. So I did.

Starting on the assumption that my way was the only correct and logical way to be (because isn't that what we all think?) I began to wonder how anyone could NOT appreciate it.  Isn't it fun? Isn't it funny? Isn't it amusing? Isn't it entertaining? Etc. But I guess it isn't, not to everyone. Why?

I began to think about some of the things I know they think to themselves (or have said to me). The most basic complaint is that I'm disturbing the quiet. OK.  I get that. And I guess I'm kind of sorry. It's not my intention. But sometimes the quiet disturbs my need to be loud. So, I guess we'll have to compromise on that one.

Another question I often get is "Why do you want everyone to know your business? Don't you like for some things to be private?" I had to think hard about that one. For as much as I share there are still a few (very few) things that I do keep all to myself.  But yes, for the most part I put myself on blast. I guess I do this for a few reasons. Part of it is really just natural. As I said, I've just sort of always been this way. I dont have that little flag that goes up as your talking and tells you, "Hey, this may be something you want to keep to yourself...TMI!" But I guess at another level I share because I want others to know who I am. I want them to know I'm real. I want them to know what makes me tick. I want them to know my stories. And in sharing my stories with them my hope is always that it helps them to open up and share their stories with me. And if they don't feel comfortable sharing, to at least know enough about me that they feel they can connect with me on a deeper level.

You see, I've never been much for superficial connections. And I just feel that until you can get down into the depths of who a person is and understand who they are and know their stories you can never really connect with them at that level.  And that's really what I want. I want us to connect. I want you to understand me and I want to understand you. And from that place of understanding I hope that something new and beautiful can grow. Even if all we ever have is one conversation but that conversation was deep and meaningful, then it meant something to me and will stay with me forever. And I'm sure that in some way it changed me. Some of my favorite memories are of long, deep conversations with people I only met once.  I recall those exchanges with love and appreciation and know that I grew from them ins some way.

Beyond that I also share because I feel that is how we learn.  I have learned so much about life, how to be happy, and how to relate to other people from learning about other people's experiences. And I guess that in some way I hope that when I share my story someone will see themselves in my stories and that they will feel connected and maybe, just maybe they will learn something that helps them grow.

And lastly, I guess the other reason I share so much is because...well why the hell not?!?!?!?! I have nothing to hide. I'm not concerned with being judged. And no one can hurt me with information that I've chosen to share. So...I'm just gonna keep right on sharing.

Now, another comment I've heard is that I want/need attention. Ummm, why yes...yes I do. I think we all do in some way. And this is my way.  I don't want attention in the sense that I will shrivel up and die if I dont get it. Or I dont feel worthy without it.  I just like it.  It's how I connect. It's how I interact. And so I'm not sharing from a place of neediness. I'm sharing from a place of love and the attention is just a nice perk. So there!

A few years ago, I decided to start this blog and that would require sharing at a whole other level. I chose to start this blog for 2 main reasons: 1) because writing for me is cathartic, 2) I was looking for some like minded people. Life had taken some twists and turns and as a result I had become less open and felt the need more and more to put up a facade as though everything was perfect. And as a result of that I had surrounded myself with people that were also not open and that hightened the need to keep up appearances to keep myself in favor with everyone. I felt like I was dying a slow death. I was suffocating. And one day I knew that I just couldn't do it anymore. I knew I had to step out and tell my truth and if it cost me every friend and relationship I had well then that was just how it was going to have to be. But I could not hide my truth anymore. The truth being that I was not perfect. That I didnt have it all together. That I have crazy thoughts sometimes. That I make mistakes all the time. That I am a work in progress and that I know you are too. And that I am no longer afraid and no longer feel the need to hide behind this mask of fake perfection. And not only do I no longer feel the need to hide any of this but I embrace it. I'm crazy as hell and its all good.

Writing for me is like talking. It's an outlet. It helps me to sort out the thoughts that get all jumbled in my head and TRY to make some kind of sense out of them. So when I decided to 'step out' and figure this all out I first thought of journaling....privately. But then someone mentioned blogging to me. And I thought...hmmm.  And that's when I realized.  I think some of us are made like this for a reason. There are some of us that are made in a way where we have no reservations about sharing and bearing our soul for the world to see. And I think for that for those of us that have this 'gift' it is almost our duty to use our lives as examples for those that may be struggling and not have an outlet of their own or not have someone to talk to.  And so the blog was born. I named the blog very appropriately I think. I had no idea at the time what was going to come out of my mouth...err...fingers.  But I knew whatever it was it would be truth, imperfect, and subject to change as I learn and grow. That I would never have it figured it. That I would always be happily in progress. And that I just hoped that as I wrote I could find some answers for myself. And that as some poeple read that they might find some answers for themselves.

So...for those of you who have read and appreciated the openness and the sharing, I thank you. And if even one of you have ever connected with any of it and learned anything from it then it is all worth it.  And even if you havent learned from it or connected in any deep kind of way but were somehow entertained by it, then it was still worth it.

And to those of you who think I'm crazy and needy and don't get it....I say...then why are you reading this?  No...just kidding...you are welcome to. But please know, that yes I am crazy. And in some sense needy. And even if you don't get it you are welcome to stay and I love you all the same.

Much love,

Vanessa...in progress. (VIP)