I originally intended to do my first blog post of the year on the 1st. But, I wasn't quite ready yet. Ready for what...I'm not sure. But I felt like I had still needed time to think about how I felt about this coming year.
2012 was everything a year is supposed to be. There were betrayals and tragedies...blessings and surprises...good news and bad news...the ending of relationships and the starting (or restarting) of news ones...setbacks and moving forward. There were lessons, tears, laughter, and growth. It was perfect!
In the past, if I had a year like that I would have been miserable. I would have drowned myself in the misery of the 'bad' stuff and never fully enjoyed the good stuff because I would be waiting for the other shoe to drop. And in the end I would have proclaimed it a bad year and been eager to put it to bed and move on to a new year where maybe, just maybe, things might get a little bit better. But...that's not the place I'm in anymore.
The past few years I've been undergoing a transformation of sorts. Sometimes the lessons and changes are very slow and laborious. At other times they are sudden burts of big giant blow your hair back kind of changes. All leading me towards what I believe is a better version of myself....a version of myself that is more in line with the essense of who I truly am and who I was always meant to be...a version of myself that I had strayed away from for a very long time.
I dont regret the straying. There were plenty of good times and hard lessons during those years. And while I would definitely try to make better choices if I could go back and do it all again, I don't regret or look back on any of it negatively. After all, it all lead me here...to the place I am in this moment. And I don't know if I could or would appreciate this place so much if I hadnt had the 'darker' years.
So, here I am...transformed and still transforming (or shall I say, in progress.) And from this place I can tell you that I'm a little worn out by the ups and downs, I'm feeling extremely appreciative for the good stuff, and I'm excited and hopeful about the future. And the difference is all in my perspective. See, I've learned and finally come to understand that life isnt good when good things are happening and bad when bad things are happening. It's all just life. All of it makes up life. And it is up to each of us to decide how we show up to the events in our lives, how we work through them, what we bring to them, what we learn from them, and what meaning we give to them. And I have chosen to try to try my best to show up to all of these things in an effort to bring love and serve as best I can. I have chosen to try to travel through it all with love, understanding and accepting that there is a bigger picture that I can't always see. I have chosen to find the silver lining in every cloud, try to learn as much as I can from every experience and to give a positive and empowering meaning to everything that happens.I have chosen to become more aware of the fact that ever day, every moment is a gift no matter what it is filled with and that the ability to even experience good or bad means that I am alive and I am here and that there is life for me to live. And that has made all the difference in the quality of my life.
I needed a few extra days to to step back and gain that perspective and really understand this change. I needed time to contemplate all that was 2012, where I am in this moment , and what I want and hope for 2013. There is always so much hype and activity around the celebrating of the holidays that I often don't get the chance to just stop and think and consider things. So when the celebrating had died down a little...I just took some time...and thought...and as always...in the stillness there was clarity. And I am thankful for the clarity. And I am thankful for all that was 2012.
There are no resolutions this year....but I have 2 hopes that I believe would contain within them any resolutions that I may have made for myself.
The first hope is that as I move forward and continue to tranform...that I can bring some alignment to all of the various aspects of my life. I have areas of my life where I feel like I'm in a good place and moving forward and all is well. And I have areas of my life where I am struggling and need help. And then there is that essense of me that I mentioned earlier. When I look deeper at the places where things are well and the areas where things aren't well, the problem becomes clear to me. Those things that go well are usually those where I am able and aware enough to bring my true self to the table complete with all my lessons and growth. And those areas where I still struggle are those that for some reason I am not yet able to bring myself fully to the table. So as I said, my hope is to be able to bring more alignment into my life. So that in everything I do and everywhere I go I am always bringing ME as fully and completely as I can. And I believe that when I am able to master always making my top priority the bringing of me into every moment that all of the other pieces will begin to fall into place...almost effortlessly.
The second hope is that I learn to be more loving and better able to serve. I have seen with my own eyes and my own life how different and how much better everything is when there is love. And while I do my best to be loving I know that I fall short regularly. I don't expert to ever get it perfect. But I do hope that on some level I can just improve in this area and be better able to bring love into every situation and moment...especially those where it is the hardest to do so...because those are the ones that need it the most. Along with that...because I believe they go hand in hand...is the hope that I can be of better service to the world. Sometimes we can serve by simply bringing love and I will try to do that. But where it is within my power and ability to bring more, to make life better, to leave a situation or person better than I found them, I hope that I am aware enough...humble enough...strong enough...brave enough and loving enough to do what needs to be done.
After all, I do believe this is why we are all here. I believe we are here so that we can wake up each day and fully appreciate the gradiosity that is life...that we can be in awe of our existence and ability to sift through all that life has to offer and try to make the best of it all...that we do our best to be aware and fully present in each moment accepting and appreciating all that life brings with it while understanding that it is all necessary and important...and to understand our capacity and ability to love and bring it to everything we do...and that while we are here enjoying our existence and living life to the fullest that we are also serving...making things better...helping one another...and contributing to this thing called life.
This is where I'm at and what I hope for 2013. How about you?
Much love...
Vanessa...in progress. (VIP)
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