First of all let me clarify the word love in this context...
At this point in my life I feel like I can truly say that I have never known REAL love. I have come to a place in my life that I believe that REAL love (at least the kind of love I'm looking for)requires both people be open and honest and able to give and receive from a place of wholeness. I believe that only from that place can a real exchange and sharing of love take place. I know that I have never been in that place before where I was able to offer myself in that way. And I know that I have never been with anyone that was in a place to offer that to me.
That's not to say that those relationships were not real, or special in their own way. They most definitely were. But...when I say love...in this sense...I mean the love you feel for someone just because they are a fellow human being...because you shared a period of time with them that was special in some way...and because in my own way I gave of myself to them in the best way that I knew how...at that moment in my life.
I also say love...because today...I realize how necessary they each were to my internal evolution. I know that each and every one of them taught me something about what I want...what I don't want...and whether I realized it at the moment or not...the time spent with them taught me things about myself which over time have collectively lead to the place I am today. So while once I may have been bitter and angry and felt regret about the having wasted my time in a relationship that ended badly or with someone that I felt wasn't worth my time and energy in the end...I realize now that each one of them has played an important role in my life and I wouldnt be me...without them.
So...given all of that...this is sort of my 'love letter' to each of them...thanking them for the important role they each played in my life...and the lessons it taught me.
To Mr. Love #1
Since the moment I laid eyes on you, you were my everything. You are the one that the rest have all been compared to. I have never again felt that pure and open love with no boundaries. You taught me about my own incredible capacity to love and that what I want is a friend with who I have deep and special connection. And even though life took its turns and for many reasons we could no longer be together, you also taught me that that love like that never ends. And even though you are no longer with us, I still carry you in my heart every day and you are with me wherever I go.
To Mr. Love #2
To this day I dont think that any man has ever loved me with the level of intensity and honesty that you did and for as long as you did. It wasn't until recently that I realized what kept drawing me back to you all of these years. It was the certainty of you. I was certain that you loved me. I was certain that you would be there. In an uncertain world...certainty can become very intoxicating. But we got to a point where I couldnt handle us anymore. The honesty became too raw for me. Even though I know that honesty helped me in the long run and has been the catalyst to some significant transformation in my life...it got too hard for me. I didn't feel safe anymore. Our relationship taught me that I do want to be with someone I can feel secure with and depend on and whose love I am certain of...but I also realized that it needs to be a space where I can be me...always...in progress...and not feel constantly judged or corrected for being flawed. I need to feel free to trip and fall and figure things out for myself and to know that I will still be loved through all of it. So...even though we had to eventually part ways...again...I know I would not be me...without you. I thank you for loving me so much...and for the gift of that special love and connection that only we could understand. I will always wonder...what if...
To Mr. Love #3
You were definitely different from the rest of them...in so many ways. You were my first 'good guy'. We really had something good that I think I just wasn't ready for and couldn't fully appreciate at the time. And...really...I just wasn't the one for you. You loved me...but you always wanted me to be just a little bit different...and I wasn't...and would never be. I have nothing but good thoughts and memories of us. But I also know that we had to go our seperate ways or we would have ended up very unhappy. You taught me that I want to be with someone that loves me for who I am...just the way I am. But no matter what we always treated each other with love and respect and that will always give you a special place in my heart.
To Mr. Love #4
You were the right guy at the right time. Boy...did we had some good times. You were my sweet escape. We were all fun...nothing serious. And that was exactly what we both wanted from each other. It worked out perfectly. In a way I think that our time together brought me back to life...and got me back in touch with parts of myself that I had forgotten. Nothing but smiles whenever I think of you. As a matter of fact...whenever I think of you I get the urge to track you down. But I know that that was a different time and we wouldnt work like that anymore. But it was perfect while it lasted. Thank you for reminding me that its important to just have fun. You taught me that I want to be with someone who I can get lost with in pure bliss. But you also taught me that when it's time to get found...the person you're with has to want to get found too. You weren't that guy...and that's cool. It doesnt take away from any of the fun we had. You definitely rocked my world!
To Mr. Love #5
I almost hesitate to even write anything about you. Thinking about us is still so difficult. Not because it was bad...but just because there are still many questions left unanswered and issues unresolved...and there is nothing I can do about it. What I know for sure is that the time we shared taught me that I want to be with someone I can laugh with...and someone that has a good heart...like you did. But you also taught me that I need someone that that I can count on and rely on...and you couldn't be that guy. Our short time together also taught me important lessons about family, friends, life and death. The world has definitely not been the same without you...and I'm extremely grateful for having had the opportunity to know you. Thanks for the good times and for leaving me with a new group of extended family and friends.
To Mr. Love #6
Well...my life was really never the same again after you. This one is pretty complicated so I'll sum it up by saying...that I know now that you were a necessary part of my life. My time with you made me question everything about myself. I became a shell of a human being and was completely lost for a long time..and I was angry about it for a LONG time. But after fighting my way back to myself I have realized what a tremendous gift you were in my life. As crazy as our 'relationship' was (if we can even really call it a relationship) it was the 'rock bottom' that I needed to hit in order to stop making some of the really bad decisions I was making, get serious about my life...and recreate myself. And as difficult as the whole thing was I wouldnt change it for a moment...especially because it gave me the greatest gift that life could ever give me - my daughter! And she has been the motivation for everything good I have done since she was born. So...thank you for forcing me to hit my reset button and for the gift of my daughter...which has brought me the greatest joy and been my guiding light through life.
To Mr. Love #7
Really...you shouldn't even be in this list of men because we didnt even really have a relationship. And you, yourself, were not all that significant in my life. But our very brief exchange taught me so much about myself that I felt that it was important to include it in this list. In so many ways you were my full circle moment. In some way, shape or form, our time together kicked up all of the insecurities and fears that I had developed over time. But it was the missing piece for me. In many ways it was the period at the end of a very long sentence. It allowed me to finally step into myself in how I relate to men. It allowed me to finally let go of all of those insecurities and fears and begin an adventure of self discovery that would prove to completely transform me as a person. This experience taught me that I'm finally ready for a 'good guy' but he has to actually BE a good guy and not just be acting like one. You taught me that I won't settle for anything less than a man for which honesty and integrity are a top priority. The most important lessons I learned were that true strength is found in learning to be vulnerable...that I alone know what is right for me...that I CAN trust my own judgement...that I WILL act in my best interest when I allow myself to...and that I am ready....and those lessons have made all the difference in my life. So...while you were the least significant 'relationship'...I still owe you the biggest thank you.
While there were others in between the 'SUPER SEVEN' these are the ones that I feel had the greatest impact and taught me the greatest lessons that have transformed my life
As I said in the beginning...today...I know who I am...I know what I bring to the table...I'm ready to bring it to the table with openness and love and confidence...I know what I want...I know I have the ability to recognize it and embrace it when I find it...and that I have the strength of character and self worth to walk away when I know it's not right. And regardless of if or when I find it...I am already complete and have everything I need.
So...again...to all the men I've 'loved' before...and to all of you...
Thanks...and much love.
Vanessa...in progress. (VIP)
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