Embracing Angry

I'm ANGRY...and I now realize that I just need to FINALLY acknowledge it!

In my quest to constantly challenge myself to learn and grow and try and be a 'better person', I have been trying to deal with a recent situation by 'rising above it' and not resorting to 'old patterns' to get through it. Instead of feeling hurt...I've tried to understand. Instead of feeling angry...I've tried to be more loving. Instead of closing up...I've tried to open up more and be more vulnerable. And that's all noble and great and everything...and I've actually learned a lot...especially about myself...in that process...so I guess it wasn't all for nothing...but the fact of the matter is...I DONT FEEL ANY BETTER!!!!!!!!!!! AND...I haven't really been able to MOVE ON! Perhaps old patters weren't the 'healthiest' but they damn sure were effective in the moment.

So...what's a girl to do...when she wants to be true to who she is and how she feels...but also challenge herself to grow and learn new, healthier patterns? There is apparently a very fine line between the two...and what I've discovered is if you don't navigate that line correctly you can drive yourself INSANE!

After a short period of insanity...I decided to revisit my resolutions and see how well I was doing at applying them to this situation. That's when I realized...that I was attempting to do a lot of the things I had listed...but was doing them for others. I was being honest, kind, loving, etc. to others...but I was failing to make sure that I was FIRST AND FOREMOST being all of that to and for myself. Then and ONLY then can you authentically do those things to and for others.

It was then that I stopped...and started to really be HONEST and LOVING and KIND with myself and realized...WTF!?!?!?!?!!? I have been ANGRY this whole time and have not been honest enough...loving enough...and kind enough with myself to put ME first and fully feel that anger and process it so that I COULD move through the situation...more efficiently and effectively...and be done with it. But because I've been denying myself that emotion...and burying it...in my effort to be 'nice' and 'better'...all I've done is surpress it...and surpressed feelings always find a way of expressing themselves eventually! So...before my surpressed feelings express themselves by EXPLODING...I've decided to go ahead and EMBRACE MY ANGER!

I guess I thought that the anger and rage that I used to feel and comforted me during my earlier more crazy years was all a part of being immature and unevolved. I thought it was a raw emotion that I now needed tamed. But as I sit with this...I am now realizing that anger is a beautiful and honest emotion that when acknowledged properly (as it should be) and used correctly can be extremely healing, teach lessons, and bring a level of clarity that can better position you for the next great thing that is waiting for you. It is NOT a sign of immaturity but rather an act of self-love to acknowledge whatever emotion you are feeling...even if that emotion is anger...to allow yourself to feel it...process it...learn from it...heal from it...and eventually...move on from it. The key is to go through that process...in a constructive and not destructive way.

So...now that I am clear about the wonderful place anger can play in life...I am ready to embrace it...and express it...and let it do what it needs to do....constructively. I'm ready to be angry until it feels good...and that's when I'll know I've come out on the other side.

Much love...and anger... ;-)

Vanessa...in progress. (VIP)