Death...and Life.

One of my dearest friends just recently lost her dad. I feel very lucky to have had the honor of getting to know him fairly well over the past few years. He was one of the kindest, happiest and most gentle souls that I have ever had the honor to meet and spend time with...and I know that I am a better person for having known him.

Upon his death, as with all deaths, his friends and family began to reminisce about his life and share stores with eachother that illustrated what a special kind of man he was. I know everyone always recalls the best of people after their death...and if I hadn't known him personally I may have thought that people were just recalling his 'best' moments. But, I know that the stories I was hearing were only scratching the surface and didnt...couldn't...do him justice in attempting to sum up his well lived life and his kind, gentle, and loving nature.

This got me thinking of the many people I have lost in my life...and the various 'stories' that were told about them after they had died. It's always interesting to see what remains in people's memories about someone's life once they are gone...how they are summarized...remembered...recalled. Obviously...all of them had wonderful stories and memories associated with them...but for some there were also those unfortunate blanket statements made - he was always searching for something and was never able to find it; she was always so angry and never learned to just enjoy life; if only he could have learned to appreciate what he had a little more; she never really lived or enjoyed her life...and the list goes on...

As I have contemplated all of this over the past few days I couldnt help but wonder...what stories will be told about me...what will my legacy be... If I died tomorrow...how would I remembered? The thought of it sent a chill down my spine...because I KNOW...that I am not completely LIVING the story I would like told about me when I die. I know that I have never been able to LIVE the story that has ALWAYS been inside of me. I have lived pieces and enjoyed parts and overall I would say that I've managed to create a crazy, fun, dramatic, exciting and memorable existence for myself. But, after all the funny stories are told and the memories of all the crazy and fun things Vanessa said and did are shared...I know the other things that will be said...that must be said...because they are true...the parts that aren't so funny...the parts that were painful...the aspects of life that I struggled with and no one could really help me with...though many tried.

Its not so much the details that are the issue...its not the losses that life threw at me or the struggles that I encountered that are the problem. Many have had just as many stuggles and losses...and more. The real problem...the real tragedy...is the inner struggle and inability to find peace and and grace...through all of it. Yes...maybe I have had a bit more that your average person's share of turmoil...but there are people with much worse circumstances that go through it all with much more peace and grace than I have ever been able to. That peace and grace is something that I have longed for and fought for but has eluded me all my life.

It is now, in this moment, as I mourn this most recent loss, that I can really take that all in and realize that this is not the story that I want told about me. It's not so much about caring what people think about me...I don't care much about that. But what I do care about...what I care about most...are the memories and lessons about life...and how it should be lived...that I leave behind for my daughter. How will she remember me? Also, I care about how people will remember feeling after they spent time with me. I want people to feel happy...positive...renewed...reenergized...excited...hopeful...inspired...etc...whether they spent 5 seconds with me or a lifetime. And while I do hope that at times I have accomplished just that...I know that more times than I would like to admit or accept...I have left people feeling drained...tired...bothered...annoyed...exhausted...frustrated...or worst of all...feeling bad for me...because I can't find peace and grace.

This is not acceptable...and the gift here is that in having been able to see it and acknowledge it...in this way...under these circumstances...I can now do something about it.

While all of life is a journey, for the past year or so I have been on one of the most significant chapters of my journey so far. This has definitely been a year of introspection...and growth...and drastic change. And over the past few months I have experienced a chain of events that have ignited something in me that I have never felt before. I know that I am in the midst of great transformation...so great that I am not even able to comprehend what it will look like when I am on the other side of it...but I know that my life will never be the same again. I know that I am finally breaking free of the stories and the pain and the fears that have been holding me back in so many ways for so very long. It's exciting, confusing and frightening all at once. There are days when I am elated and able to see and celebrate even the smallest change or accomplishment. Then there are days where the magnitude and depth of the shift taking place inside me is too much for me to even handle and I can barely catch my breath. All of it is good. All of it is necessary. All of it is welcome.

But again, from this state of transformation that I have been lingering in for some time now...and probably...hopefully...will continue to be in...successfully and progressively...for the rest of my life...I have been able to mourn the loss of my friend's father and use his life as a source of inspiration to make mine better.

Life is short...and yet long at the same time. We never get it perfect...it's never going to be pain free...but I do believe that we can get to a place where we are able to navigate all of it...the good and the bad...with some peace and grace. I know many of you that may read this don't even understand what I'm talking about because handling life with peace and grace is standard for you and you have never known anything but that. God bless you...really...you will never fully understand what a gift that is if you have always had it. But if you are or have ever been like me, you understand how difficult it is to get there and stay there. Our set point is so far from the mark that everything is a struggle and we often feel like we are being dragged through life and barely surviving.

But I'm done...I know this is my time. I know the events of the past year and months have not been for nothing. I know that my angst and drive to be better and do better are pushing me to go places I've never gone before and learn things I never dreamed could be possible...for me. And because I am open...because I am completely broken open...with no more walls to protect me...and ready...to learn...to receive...to be present...I know that this is one of those pivotal moments where I shed what was and create a new reality for myself...with no limits...no boundaries...and no obstacles. Life was meant to be lived...and I will start each day staying true to my story and living it...fully.

So, a profound thank you to my friend's father for the beautiful life he lead that is now serving as an example and inspiration to me. I am beyond grateful for having been fortunate enough to have known him and learned from him. Everytime he saw me he would tell me "I sure do appreciate ya, Vanessa." He has no idea how those words made me feel every time he said them....the idea that he truly appreciated ME...it brings tears to my eyes just to think about it. Little did he know...that it is ME that sure does appreciate him...and I always will.

RIP...and thank you.

"I can't go back to yesterday, because I was a different person then." ~ Lewis Carroll


Much love,

Vanessa...in progress. (VIP)