I originally intended to do my first blog post of the year on the 1st. But, I wasn't quite ready yet. Ready for what...I'm not sure. But I felt like I had still needed time to think about how I felt about this coming year.
2012 was everything a year is supposed to be. There were betrayals and tragedies...blessings and surprises...good news and bad news...the ending of relationships and the starting (or restarting) of news ones...setbacks and moving forward. There were lessons, tears, laughter, and growth. It was perfect!
In the past, if I had a year like that I would have been miserable. I would have drowned myself in the misery of the 'bad' stuff and never fully enjoyed the good stuff because I would be waiting for the other shoe to drop. And in the end I would have proclaimed it a bad year and been eager to put it to bed and move on to a new year where maybe, just maybe, things might get a little bit better. But...that's not the place I'm in anymore.
The past few years I've been undergoing a transformation of sorts. Sometimes the lessons and changes are very slow and laborious. At other times they are sudden burts of big giant blow your hair back kind of changes. All leading me towards what I believe is a better version of myself....a version of myself that is more in line with the essense of who I truly am and who I was always meant to be...a version of myself that I had strayed away from for a very long time.
I dont regret the straying. There were plenty of good times and hard lessons during those years. And while I would definitely try to make better choices if I could go back and do it all again, I don't regret or look back on any of it negatively. After all, it all lead me here...to the place I am in this moment. And I don't know if I could or would appreciate this place so much if I hadnt had the 'darker' years.
So, here I am...transformed and still transforming (or shall I say, in progress.) And from this place I can tell you that I'm a little worn out by the ups and downs, I'm feeling extremely appreciative for the good stuff, and I'm excited and hopeful about the future. And the difference is all in my perspective. See, I've learned and finally come to understand that life isnt good when good things are happening and bad when bad things are happening. It's all just life. All of it makes up life. And it is up to each of us to decide how we show up to the events in our lives, how we work through them, what we bring to them, what we learn from them, and what meaning we give to them. And I have chosen to try to try my best to show up to all of these things in an effort to bring love and serve as best I can. I have chosen to try to travel through it all with love, understanding and accepting that there is a bigger picture that I can't always see. I have chosen to find the silver lining in every cloud, try to learn as much as I can from every experience and to give a positive and empowering meaning to everything that happens.I have chosen to become more aware of the fact that ever day, every moment is a gift no matter what it is filled with and that the ability to even experience good or bad means that I am alive and I am here and that there is life for me to live. And that has made all the difference in the quality of my life.
I needed a few extra days to to step back and gain that perspective and really understand this change. I needed time to contemplate all that was 2012, where I am in this moment , and what I want and hope for 2013. There is always so much hype and activity around the celebrating of the holidays that I often don't get the chance to just stop and think and consider things. So when the celebrating had died down a little...I just took some time...and thought...and as always...in the stillness there was clarity. And I am thankful for the clarity. And I am thankful for all that was 2012.
There are no resolutions this year....but I have 2 hopes that I believe would contain within them any resolutions that I may have made for myself.
The first hope is that as I move forward and continue to tranform...that I can bring some alignment to all of the various aspects of my life. I have areas of my life where I feel like I'm in a good place and moving forward and all is well. And I have areas of my life where I am struggling and need help. And then there is that essense of me that I mentioned earlier. When I look deeper at the places where things are well and the areas where things aren't well, the problem becomes clear to me. Those things that go well are usually those where I am able and aware enough to bring my true self to the table complete with all my lessons and growth. And those areas where I still struggle are those that for some reason I am not yet able to bring myself fully to the table. So as I said, my hope is to be able to bring more alignment into my life. So that in everything I do and everywhere I go I am always bringing ME as fully and completely as I can. And I believe that when I am able to master always making my top priority the bringing of me into every moment that all of the other pieces will begin to fall into place...almost effortlessly.
The second hope is that I learn to be more loving and better able to serve. I have seen with my own eyes and my own life how different and how much better everything is when there is love. And while I do my best to be loving I know that I fall short regularly. I don't expert to ever get it perfect. But I do hope that on some level I can just improve in this area and be better able to bring love into every situation and moment...especially those where it is the hardest to do so...because those are the ones that need it the most. Along with that...because I believe they go hand in hand...is the hope that I can be of better service to the world. Sometimes we can serve by simply bringing love and I will try to do that. But where it is within my power and ability to bring more, to make life better, to leave a situation or person better than I found them, I hope that I am aware enough...humble enough...strong enough...brave enough and loving enough to do what needs to be done.
After all, I do believe this is why we are all here. I believe we are here so that we can wake up each day and fully appreciate the gradiosity that is life...that we can be in awe of our existence and ability to sift through all that life has to offer and try to make the best of it all...that we do our best to be aware and fully present in each moment accepting and appreciating all that life brings with it while understanding that it is all necessary and important...and to understand our capacity and ability to love and bring it to everything we do...and that while we are here enjoying our existence and living life to the fullest that we are also serving...making things better...helping one another...and contributing to this thing called life.
This is where I'm at and what I hope for 2013. How about you?
Much love...
Vanessa...in progress. (VIP)
Sunday, January 6, 2013
Friday, October 26, 2012
And then there was Cancer...
I'm sure we have all been there. Or know someone who has been there.
You're just going along, living your life, thinking we have all the time in the world to figure it all out. And then suddenly...there is Cancer. You or someone you love finds out that they have Cancer. And life is never the same again.
I have known many people that have died of cancer. Many of them were old when they were diagnosed so even though it was a shock, unexpected, tragic and difficult there is still a sense of 'they lived a good life' which helps you cope with everything a bit better. I have also known many people who have survived cancer. Mainly, breast cancer. And while the battle wasn't easy and some are still in the midst of the battle there is a light at the end of the tunnel for them.
But never have I been hit by cancer as hard as it has hit me this time. As many of you know a few weeks ago a very dear cousin of mine (44 year old non-smoker) was diagnosed with Stage 4 Lung Cancer (Non-Small Cell Adenocarcinoma). Look it up. It's pretty serious stuff and the outlook is not good.
Now, before I continue I just want to say that I am very well aware that this illness is about HIM and his family and not about me. But because I cannot even begin to understand what this feels like from their perspective nor can I speak for him or his family I am sharing MY story, from my perspective as someone that loves him and cares about him and his family very much.
When I heard the news I was in shock...devastated...confused....sad....scared...worried...etc. I didn't even know what to feel. The same thoughts kept running through my mind - it can't be, he's too young, how can this happen, what does this mean, what is he going to do, etc. And then came that other thought. The one I didnt want to think. The thought of - what do I do?
The fact of the matter is I hadn't really seen or talked to my cousin in a long time. I loved him dearly and he has always been one of my favorite people in the whole world. But as life took its turns and I got all wrapped up in the dramas of my life, time went by and we lost touch. And so here we were...in this situation. And how can I reach out to him now when I havent talked to him in so long? How can I step in and be there for him when I havent been there all this time? I was so angry at myself and consumed with guilt.
I have lost a lot of people in my life starting at a very young age. And for as bad as that is it had always taught me a very important thing - we dont know how long we have with the people we love so always show the people you love that they are important to you. And I have always tried my best to do just that. But somewhere along the way I got lost and forgot it. Somewhere along the way I got sidetracked by the events of my life and seperated myself from many of the things and people that were important to me. I kind of know why it happened and I could sit here and make a million excuses for it. And they are good excuses. But still excuses. The fact is I let myself lose sight of what was important and put my energy into things that weren't. And here....now....when confronted with the reality of this situation that reality is hitting me like a ton of bricks. So now...not only do I have to deal with my feelings about what my cousin is going through but I also have to deal with my own feelings of guilt for not having let him know all this time how important he was to me.
My philosphy has always been that the only way to undo a wrong is to replace it with a right. I couldnt go back and redo the time I had lost with him but I could start now and make sure he knew how much I love him...how much I have always loved him...and how much I will always love him. So I did just that. I'll never forget that first day I went to see him at the hospital. I was excited to see him but also scared. Scared because I wasnt sure what his state of mind was and what attitude he had about his illness. I was also scared because of my guilt. I felt that maybe he and his family would wonder why I was there. Why now? But regardless, I knew going was the right thing and so I went.
INSTANTLY I was reminded why I loved him so much and why he has always been one of my favorite people. First of all, there he was...laying down in pain dealing with this illness...and cracking jokes...being positive...and telling me how much he loved me and how happy he was that I was there. In an instant I was reminded what a beautiful, positive person he is and that we had a special connection that transcended whatever amount of time might have passed since we last saw each other. I went to visit him that day trying to figure out how I was going to help lift his spirits and within minutes he had lifted mine. He's that awesome.
Since that day a lot has happened. My cousin is a warrior. He knows the road ahead is long and difficult but he has vowed to fight with everything in him every step of the way and to appreciate every day to the fullest extent. He is an such an inspiration and I am lucky to be a part of his family and honored to be able to support him along his journey. And I truly believe that if there is anyone on the face of the earth that can beat Cancer it's this guy. I put ALL my money on him.
But this blog isnt really about his cancer. That journey has just begun and there will be alot to say down the line as we continue down the road of treatment and healing. This blog isnt really about my issues of guilt either. The point is what the combination of those two things has given me and what I hope I can pass on to you through this blog.
You see, I'm not the kind of person that necessarily believes that everything happens for a reason. I think sometimes crappy stuff just happens. But I do believe that there is something to be learned in everything that happens. And when we fail to learn the lesson we dishonor what happened. I have thought long and hard about what I have learned and am still learning through this. And the learning is still in progress (as are we) but here is where I am:
Please dont wait for something like this to happen in your life for you to take stock of where you are. Are you focused on who and what is important? Do the people you love know you love them? Are you living your life to the fullest? Are you happy? If you have something you need to change, change it now. Don't wait. Please.
And I can't end this blog without leaving you with a personal request. If you believe in prayer, please pray for my cousin. Please pray for everyone who is struggling with an illness. Please pray for everyone that is going through a tough time in their life. Offer your prayers and send them love. It makes a difference.
AND...if you can find it in your heart to give a gift to help my cousin and his family please visit:
www.giveforward.com/erniesarmyofangels
We've built him an Army of Angels...some that know him and many that don't but have been touched by his story and inspired by his journey. I hope that you choose to be an Angel for Ernie too.
But either way....thank you for listening to our story.
Much love,
Vanessa...in progress. (VIP)
You're just going along, living your life, thinking we have all the time in the world to figure it all out. And then suddenly...there is Cancer. You or someone you love finds out that they have Cancer. And life is never the same again.
I have known many people that have died of cancer. Many of them were old when they were diagnosed so even though it was a shock, unexpected, tragic and difficult there is still a sense of 'they lived a good life' which helps you cope with everything a bit better. I have also known many people who have survived cancer. Mainly, breast cancer. And while the battle wasn't easy and some are still in the midst of the battle there is a light at the end of the tunnel for them.
But never have I been hit by cancer as hard as it has hit me this time. As many of you know a few weeks ago a very dear cousin of mine (44 year old non-smoker) was diagnosed with Stage 4 Lung Cancer (Non-Small Cell Adenocarcinoma). Look it up. It's pretty serious stuff and the outlook is not good.
Now, before I continue I just want to say that I am very well aware that this illness is about HIM and his family and not about me. But because I cannot even begin to understand what this feels like from their perspective nor can I speak for him or his family I am sharing MY story, from my perspective as someone that loves him and cares about him and his family very much.
When I heard the news I was in shock...devastated...confused....sad....scared...worried...etc. I didn't even know what to feel. The same thoughts kept running through my mind - it can't be, he's too young, how can this happen, what does this mean, what is he going to do, etc. And then came that other thought. The one I didnt want to think. The thought of - what do I do?
The fact of the matter is I hadn't really seen or talked to my cousin in a long time. I loved him dearly and he has always been one of my favorite people in the whole world. But as life took its turns and I got all wrapped up in the dramas of my life, time went by and we lost touch. And so here we were...in this situation. And how can I reach out to him now when I havent talked to him in so long? How can I step in and be there for him when I havent been there all this time? I was so angry at myself and consumed with guilt.
I have lost a lot of people in my life starting at a very young age. And for as bad as that is it had always taught me a very important thing - we dont know how long we have with the people we love so always show the people you love that they are important to you. And I have always tried my best to do just that. But somewhere along the way I got lost and forgot it. Somewhere along the way I got sidetracked by the events of my life and seperated myself from many of the things and people that were important to me. I kind of know why it happened and I could sit here and make a million excuses for it. And they are good excuses. But still excuses. The fact is I let myself lose sight of what was important and put my energy into things that weren't. And here....now....when confronted with the reality of this situation that reality is hitting me like a ton of bricks. So now...not only do I have to deal with my feelings about what my cousin is going through but I also have to deal with my own feelings of guilt for not having let him know all this time how important he was to me.
My philosphy has always been that the only way to undo a wrong is to replace it with a right. I couldnt go back and redo the time I had lost with him but I could start now and make sure he knew how much I love him...how much I have always loved him...and how much I will always love him. So I did just that. I'll never forget that first day I went to see him at the hospital. I was excited to see him but also scared. Scared because I wasnt sure what his state of mind was and what attitude he had about his illness. I was also scared because of my guilt. I felt that maybe he and his family would wonder why I was there. Why now? But regardless, I knew going was the right thing and so I went.
INSTANTLY I was reminded why I loved him so much and why he has always been one of my favorite people. First of all, there he was...laying down in pain dealing with this illness...and cracking jokes...being positive...and telling me how much he loved me and how happy he was that I was there. In an instant I was reminded what a beautiful, positive person he is and that we had a special connection that transcended whatever amount of time might have passed since we last saw each other. I went to visit him that day trying to figure out how I was going to help lift his spirits and within minutes he had lifted mine. He's that awesome.
Since that day a lot has happened. My cousin is a warrior. He knows the road ahead is long and difficult but he has vowed to fight with everything in him every step of the way and to appreciate every day to the fullest extent. He is an such an inspiration and I am lucky to be a part of his family and honored to be able to support him along his journey. And I truly believe that if there is anyone on the face of the earth that can beat Cancer it's this guy. I put ALL my money on him.
But this blog isnt really about his cancer. That journey has just begun and there will be alot to say down the line as we continue down the road of treatment and healing. This blog isnt really about my issues of guilt either. The point is what the combination of those two things has given me and what I hope I can pass on to you through this blog.
You see, I'm not the kind of person that necessarily believes that everything happens for a reason. I think sometimes crappy stuff just happens. But I do believe that there is something to be learned in everything that happens. And when we fail to learn the lesson we dishonor what happened. I have thought long and hard about what I have learned and am still learning through this. And the learning is still in progress (as are we) but here is where I am:
- The small stuff doesnt matter. It never matters. It REALLY doesnt matter. So just let it go. I know it is not always easy and I'm not always going to get it right. But one of my new daily practices is to do a better job of putting life in its proper perspective and just not letting myself get stuck in the small stuff. Life is bigger than that.
- Focus on what is important. This of course is the opposite of the previous thought. Basically, we often don't have time for what is important to us because we are focused on the 'oh so not important in the grand scheme of life' things. And that's just not right. We have to make sure we give the proper attention to the proper things.
- Don't waste your time and life on people that don't matter or make you feel good. I can't even begin to tell you how much time and energy I have wasted on people that weren't worthy of me. There is absolutely no reason to every allow this to happen. So just don't.
- Show people that you love them NOW! I so wish that instead of wasting time on people that didnt matter I had been investing that time in my cousin and others I love. Make sure your energy is invested where your love is.
- Tomorrow is not promised to anyone so life fully NOW. Don't wait until you have enough money, loose enough weight, or whatever other thing you are waiting for. Live each moment to the fullest NOW! Now is all we have.
- In order to live life to the fullest you must express yourself fully. For so long I held back on fully expressing myself for fear of what some people might think (you know those people who I now realize don't really matter). But with everything that has happened with my cousin I've just realized that I really dont care what anyone thinks. I want to make sure that I don't reach the end of my life feeling like I left anything unexpressed. I want to have put all my cards on the table and played the hell out of them.
- And last...but not least...just be happy. We can always find a million things that will annoy us or frustrate us or whatever. Or...we can literally...RIGHT NOW...just CHOOSE...to be happy. Yes there may be things in our lives that are not perfect...but just be happy anyway. Little by little start focusing on what you do have and what is good about your life and the more you focus on those things the better things will be. Trust me. It works.
Please dont wait for something like this to happen in your life for you to take stock of where you are. Are you focused on who and what is important? Do the people you love know you love them? Are you living your life to the fullest? Are you happy? If you have something you need to change, change it now. Don't wait. Please.
And I can't end this blog without leaving you with a personal request. If you believe in prayer, please pray for my cousin. Please pray for everyone who is struggling with an illness. Please pray for everyone that is going through a tough time in their life. Offer your prayers and send them love. It makes a difference.
AND...if you can find it in your heart to give a gift to help my cousin and his family please visit:
www.giveforward.com/erniesarmyofangels
We've built him an Army of Angels...some that know him and many that don't but have been touched by his story and inspired by his journey. I hope that you choose to be an Angel for Ernie too.
But either way....thank you for listening to our story.
Much love,
Vanessa...in progress. (VIP)
Thursday, June 14, 2012
I Figured Out My Funk!
Those of you that have been following my blog for a while now know that I have talked about being in a FUNK on and off over the past few years. You may also have noticed that I have not had any posts since I wrote about the betrayal incident in January. Well, needless to say I went into another FUNK after that betrayal and it took me a while to get myself to a point of understanding what happened, dealing with it, and moving passed it. While going through that process I kept thinking - "How did I get here...again!?!?!?!" And by here...I mean...the FUNK.
Now, for those that have not been following my blog and may be here for the first time, let me explain what I mean by FUNK. Basically, for me, it’s this state of not necessarily being depressed but not being happy. It feels like not being satisfied with where I am but not knowing where I want to go. I feel like there is something I must do to de-FUNK myself but not having a clue as to what that is. There is never a clear or absolute reason for the FUNK nor is it always clear how and when the FUNK arrived. But there comes a moment when I realize...oh...here it is again. And then it seems that it leaves as quietly as it came. No major event that washed it away. It's just sort of gone. Perhaps sometimes I have some epiphanies during the FUNK or it does motivate me to do something...anything. So, they are sometimes useful. But most of the time it's just sort of there....and then it isn't. And I'm just left with that same question - "How did I get here...again?!?!"
This time...the question rang even louder…almost to the point of being deafening. I've been doing so much work on myself, reading, praying, meditating, learning, trying to be a better person, being kinder, being more loving, etc. Was it all for nothing? How could I be seemingly putting all this work into being a better person and yet end up betrayed and back in a funk. Was I that off the mark? Was I kidding myself? Should I just throw in the towel? WHAT THE FUNK!?!?!?!?
But...anyone who knows me...knows...that while I always like to have my overly dramatic outburst (see paragraph above) that I NEVER throw in the towel and I always follow up my tirade with action never giving up hope that this time will be THE time that I figure it all out.
I've been so FUNK-focused since January that I haven’t even been able to write. I didn’t know what to say. Surely there were many things that have happened that I could have shared but I just couldn’t bring myself to write. Usually when I write, whether it’s good or not, interesting or not, it’s all real and from the heart. And I just couldn’t get to that place of sharing what was real and loving inside me...because I was so lost in my FUNK.
So...I quietly toiled away at trying to figure it all out for myself...sometimes actively thinking it through and sometimes temporarily forgetting all about it only to inevitably come back to it later.
And then it just hit me! I'm driving in my car...listening to an audiobook...when something I hear in the book just smacks me across the face! OMG! It's been so obvious for so long. How did I miss it. How could I not see it. I've read it a million times in a million different books. I've heard it a million times in a million different ways from a million different people. It's just so painfully obvious its almost embarrassing to admit that I hadn’t yet figured it out.
I kept finding myself in a FUNK because I had disconnected from myself.
That's it, Vanessa? That's your big epiphany!?!?
YES!
It may sound simple...and I guess in many ways IT IS SIMPLE! But I think that it’s SO simple and I had heard it philosophically and theoretically so many times that it had become a sort of cliché. It was a familiar statement that you sort of knew what it meant but didn’t REALLY know what it meant and it didn’t apply to you anyway so...whatever. I mean...disconnected from myself? What does that mean? I'm here. This is my body. I'm in it. So...I'm not disconnected. I'm introspective. I'm constantly self-examining. I'm always trying to better understand myself. If there is anyone that is CONNECTED to herself…IT'S ME! Or so I thought...
NOW...I know what it means! NOW...I get it! NOW...I understand! And NOW...I see how disconnected I have been despite all my attempts to be connected.
What I've realized is that all that reading...all that introspection...all that self-examination was not a waste. It was necessary for me to lay the foundation for myself so that I could one day be ready to TRULY understand and accept the idea that I was actually disconnected. This was no longer some abstract philosophical or theoretical concept. It was real! I got it! I got it deep within my soul...finally! I figured out my FUNK!
I will try my best to explain to you what I mean by being disconnected but I'm sure many of you will just hear it at words and will probably react like I did at first - That's it, Vanessa? That's your big epiphany!?!?! I'm sure many of you will react as I did whenever I heard or read it somewhere - yeah...whatever. And you should react that way. Because what I know now is that until you can FEEL that disconnect inside of you cannot KNOW it.
My disconnection was about how far I had moved away from the core of who I was. There was once this little girl named Vanessa who was amped about life and believed anything was possible. She wanted to take the world by storm. She wanted every day to be a celebration. She couldn’t get enough out of life or give enough of herself to it. She was awesome!
And then life happened...again...and again. In so many ways I believed life was telling me...literally or metaphorically...that the dreams weren't possible...that you couldn't celebrate everyday...that’s impossible. I came to believe that this was all there was and I just had to make the best of it and arrive as safely and intact at the end of my life as I possibly could trying to just be the best person I can be. And the 'glory' came in being able to say "I made it!" at the end of it all. To be able to say that I survived all the trials and tribulations and they didn’t break me would be my claim to fame.
Well who wouldn't be in a FUNK with that thinking!?!?!?!?
The reality is you can let go of those dreams and desires intellectually. But your heart, your soul, your spirit, your being...NEVER lets go of them. Every moment of every day they all collectively try calling you back to yourself...back to your dreams...back to the things that drive you and inspire you and need you just like you need them. No matter how much you might try to just forget about them because you think life has told you they are not possible you can never forget about them inside of yourself. Those dreams and desires must be tended to...and nurtured...and nourished...so that they can be born through you. If not...you will forever be FUNKEDIFIED!
So here I was thinking I was doing a great job at becoming a better person. Learning to be more serene and still. Learning to be a better person. Learning to be kinder and more loving. Learning, learning, learning. Important...but...boring, boring, boring. And inside I was SCREAMINGGGGGGGGGGGGGGG the whole time trying to get my own attention but I had learned through many bumps and bruises to just ignore that noise inside myself.
But now...since I was learning...that voice inside was becoming harder and harder to ignore. It was reaching a fever pitch that manifested itself into a deafening FUNK.
All this time I had tried to ignore the FUNK by distracting myself with so many things (that in most cases I knew weren't right for me) but I distracted myself anyway because in those moments the familiarity of distraction felt safer than the fear of the unknown that was sure to come if I allowed myself to hear myself and open myself back up to the possibilities.
But I hear you now. I'm not afraid. I'm open. So...speak to me, Vanessa...I'm listening! I will not ignore you anymore. Let's do this!
Much love,
Vanessa...in progress. (VIP)
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