From the moment the story hit the news back in 2008 I was captivated...for many reasons. First and foremost little Caylee and my daughter were just a few months apart in age so at the time the story was breaking I kept watching the images of Caylee flash on the screen and then would look back at my own daughter and I would be overwhelmed with many different and sometimes contradictory emotions. Secondly, I too was a single mother and therefore kept trying to put myself in Casey's place and try to understand and relate...but I could not bring myself to comprehend what had happened. I couldnt let go of the story or the gut-wrenching pain that I felt inside when the reality of it all would hit me over and over again in waves.
For months I followed the story intently but after a year or so it faded from the news with the exception of an occassional update and I went back to my life and was eventually able to put it out of my mind.
Then came the trial. I tried to not get sucked in but the image of Caylee's little face all over the screen made it possible for me to turn my head and I got sucked in again. I watched and listened to every day of testimony and then listened more to recaps and opinions in the evening news stories each day. And I...like many others...was shocked...saddened...pained...and in disbelief when I heard the verdict.
However, my intent here is not so much to discuss the outcome of the trial. I have a very strong opinion about it...but I respect others right to have theirs...and I respect the judicial process in our country (although I also have several criticisms of it.) But at the end of it all...when the shock and anger and emotion started to subside a bit...I began to realize that through this process and in part because of it...I had changed.
What I learned from this story...is that we are all human...and all flawed...and are in no position to self-righteously judge anyone. That's not to say that we should not judge the act of murdering a child. I think we can all agree that it is beyond wrong....and when done at the hands of your own mother (which I believe it was) is beyond comprehension. But...I learned that it is not our role in life to judge. I think it was clear to all of us that the Anthony's were a very disfunctional family...but whose family isn't? And yes...maybe there's was a bit more disfunctional than most...but I believe they had a genuine love for each other...Cindy's pain and desperation on that 911 call was real...and let's face it...there has to be a deep rooted love to stand by each other and stay 'in tact' through something as horrible as this. And while I do believe that Casey killed Caylee you see the pictures and videos of them interacting and I just dont feel that those emotions and the happiness that you see in those images is fake. God only knows what happened in Casey's mind that caused her to do this unthinkable act...and none of us can even begin to imagine what it must be like to be any of the Anthony's and have to deal with any of this while also grieving the loss of your grandaughter. And while I strongly...STRONGLY...disgree with the verdict of the jurors...who are we to know what it was like to be sequestered for 6 weeks and sit in their shoes and have to make a decision about some young woman's life...when...while I did think the prosecution had proved their case....the defense was able to legitimately poke some holes in it....and when (and this is my biggest issue at the moment) the people that were selected as jurors in the first place are not really given the proper education, information, training, direction, guidance and instruction to even be able to adequately review and anazlyze the evidence put before them and full and clearly understand the charges or the true definition of reasonable doubt. I think that I will have to spend an entire blog just expressing my issues and concerns with the jury process but again...my point here is just to say that given what it is...who are we to judge them either when we have not walked in their shoes.
As I woke up this morning what I felt was pity and empathy for everyone. Pity that the Anthony's have lost their precious grandaughter and that their lives are forever destroyed and damaged....pity that the jury has to live with the decision that they made...pity that casey is so damaged that she doesnt even seem to be able to comprehend the gift that she had in that little girl...and the magnitude of what she did. I feel pity for those that are reacting with anger and proposed violence...pity that they feel that level of pain but also pity that they dont have a better way of processing it and dealing with it. I could go on and on...but again..my point is that today I feel sadness and just hope and pray for a sense of peace for everyone...especially little Caylee.
And the last and most important thing that I learned is that when I have the impulse to judge another...I try my best (although I still fail at times) to turn it around and use that impulse to judge to make myself better. As I said in the beginning...I too am a single mother with a young daughter...and it isn't always easy balancing a child...work...finances...relationships...the judgement of others...and all the other things life throws at you. And while I know that I am a much better mother than Casey was and am incapable of harming my child in any way...the entire story caused me to check myself to make sure that I was functioning above my own level of judgement. While my sadness for those affected by this persists...it brings me a sense of peace to know that I have used the experience of this tragedy to become a better mother to my daughter and a better person, in general...and that's all that's ever really in our power to do.
Without judgement...
Vanessa...in progress. (VIP)
Wednesday, July 6, 2011
Sunday, May 1, 2011
Journey back to Faith...
The story of my Faith has taken many turns throughout the years. I started out a good little Catholic girl. I was born and raised Catholic and went to Catholic school most of my early life. I read the Bible, prayed the rosary, went to church, etc. I had even briefly considered devoting my life to God and becoming a nun because of how much I admired the devotion of the nuns at my school. I enjoyed the ritual and ceremony of the holidays and sacraments and took them all very seriously.
Then sometime in my early high school years I started questioning everthing about life...not just my faith. I began making a point of digging deeper and trying to understand the reason and logic behind everything. Obviously a huge part of that included questioning my faith. I began to do some self study and exploration to attempt to connect the dots a little better and in that process realized there were some aspects of Catholicism that did not sit right with me. So I began to just sort of ignore the elments that I did not like and continued to embrace those I did.
A few years later, the picking and choosing of what I did and didn't like didnt began to not sit well with me either. I felt that if I so strongly disagreed with some critical elements of Catholicism then I had to question all of it and not just accept the parts that I liked and was comfortable with. At that point, out of confusion and frustration I walked away from Catholicism as a whole and decided to just be 'spiritual'...whatever that meant. I belived in God and an afterlife of some sort but was unclear about the details and that was ok with me for the moment. I still belived in something and still prayed and that satisfied me...for a while.
Then...after several difficult events in my life I began to question the existance of God altogether. It began to feel like there was nothing divine, no rhyme or reason, the bad seemed to always outweigh the good, etc. I began to believe that Religion, Spirituality, God, etc. were all something people created to control each other and at the same time make people more comfortable with the concept of death. At that point I decided that none of what I had ever believed was true and nothing divine actually existed. What we currently had before us was all there was and we had to make the most out of it.
Then...again...after a few more years and significant events in my life I began to question the nothingness that I had come to accept. At that point...again...confused and frustrated...I decided that I didn't know if there was a God or not or life after death, etc. All I knew was that I wanted to be a good person and hopefully whether or not I believed in something wouldnt matter as long as I lived a good life. So that became my new way of thinking. Regardless of what was or wasnt...what was important was being a good person and living a good life...and so...with some level of satisfaction I continued on that belief track for a while.
Throughout all those years of questioning and confusion I researched many religions and explored several faiths. They all had things I liked and could accept....but they also all had things that didnt sit right with me. So my beliefs kept changing and I kept searching...all the while trying to just be a good person. But...something was always missing. I couldnt never quite put my finger on it but there always seemed to be a void. But, since I didnt know what it was or how to address it I just ignored it and continued on living my life as best I could.
Several months ago I set out on a mission to live my life out in the open...flaws and all...in an attempt to rediscover my true self. There have been many ups and downs but overall the journey has been awesome and revealing! And the biggest surprise of all has been that during this process not only have I rediscovered myself and gotten back in touch with the essence of who I am as a person...but I have also, and probably more importantly, gotten back in touch with my Faith.
I'm still unclear on the 'details' of what I believe...and perhaps there are no details to be had. It doesnt matter. What matters is that I believe...in something...that fills me...and guides me...and brings me peace...and just feels right. And each and every day...that 'something'...guides me and helps me to be a better person.
The long story made short on how I arrived at my new faith is that as I started on my journey to life a more authentic and happy life I decided to study those around me (both famous and not...but all successful in their own way) that I admired. Throughout my life I have encountered several people that have had traits that I truly admired and spoke to me. When I stopped to really think about it I realized that there was a common theme to those traits I admired. I also started realizing that part of what caught my eye about these traits was that I too had them at one time in my life at some level...and over time for one reason or another I had lost them. I realized that I identified and admired these common traits in others because I missed them in myself and this was part of my wake up call to get back in touch with those aspects of myself that had been muted over the years.
It was this process that led me back to my faith. Because as I studied the lives, traits and aspects of life off those I admired I also noticed that they also all had something else in common...their Faith. While they were not all necessarily of the same Faith they all had a deep Faith that guided their lives and regarless of what it was, there were some common beliefs/themes throughout all of them such as:
- We are all ONE. We are all connected.
- God (by whatever name you call Him) = LOVE
- We are all here to use our lives to serve a larger purpose than ourselves.
- The answer to everything is LOVE.
The more I studied their lives and their successes I realized 2 important things:
1. It was time I starte to try and emulate and learn from the lives of those I admired and had lives similar to what I wanted for my own life instead of following those around me who were struggling in one way or another just like me.
2. I could not rediscover myself or get back in touch with the essence of me without first reconnecting with God(LOVE) because that IS the essence of me. It's the essence of all of us. We only have to open up to it and allow it to flow.
As I began to have these realizations and learn more....these simple yet all encompassing ideas became my Faith...that drives me and guides me each day. I also learned from those I studied to incorporate many daily life practices into my life to help keep me in this mental and spiritual place which include daily meditation/prayer, journaling, breathing, and yoga among other thins.
Faith is a very personal thing. We each have our own and for some their faith is to believe that this is all there is. I respect each and everyone's personal beliefs and did not write this to put forth the concept that I am right and and those that belief differently are wrong. I simply wish to share my story and spiritual journey...and hope that perhaps in some way my story might help someone else that is struggling with their own spiritual journey.
There is much more to say about faith, my journey and those that contributed to it, how it has changed my life, etc. But those are topics for another day. For now it is enough to say that I believe in LOVE.
Much Love...
Vanessa...in progress. (VIP)
-
Then sometime in my early high school years I started questioning everthing about life...not just my faith. I began making a point of digging deeper and trying to understand the reason and logic behind everything. Obviously a huge part of that included questioning my faith. I began to do some self study and exploration to attempt to connect the dots a little better and in that process realized there were some aspects of Catholicism that did not sit right with me. So I began to just sort of ignore the elments that I did not like and continued to embrace those I did.
A few years later, the picking and choosing of what I did and didn't like didnt began to not sit well with me either. I felt that if I so strongly disagreed with some critical elements of Catholicism then I had to question all of it and not just accept the parts that I liked and was comfortable with. At that point, out of confusion and frustration I walked away from Catholicism as a whole and decided to just be 'spiritual'...whatever that meant. I belived in God and an afterlife of some sort but was unclear about the details and that was ok with me for the moment. I still belived in something and still prayed and that satisfied me...for a while.
Then...after several difficult events in my life I began to question the existance of God altogether. It began to feel like there was nothing divine, no rhyme or reason, the bad seemed to always outweigh the good, etc. I began to believe that Religion, Spirituality, God, etc. were all something people created to control each other and at the same time make people more comfortable with the concept of death. At that point I decided that none of what I had ever believed was true and nothing divine actually existed. What we currently had before us was all there was and we had to make the most out of it.
Then...again...after a few more years and significant events in my life I began to question the nothingness that I had come to accept. At that point...again...confused and frustrated...I decided that I didn't know if there was a God or not or life after death, etc. All I knew was that I wanted to be a good person and hopefully whether or not I believed in something wouldnt matter as long as I lived a good life. So that became my new way of thinking. Regardless of what was or wasnt...what was important was being a good person and living a good life...and so...with some level of satisfaction I continued on that belief track for a while.
Throughout all those years of questioning and confusion I researched many religions and explored several faiths. They all had things I liked and could accept....but they also all had things that didnt sit right with me. So my beliefs kept changing and I kept searching...all the while trying to just be a good person. But...something was always missing. I couldnt never quite put my finger on it but there always seemed to be a void. But, since I didnt know what it was or how to address it I just ignored it and continued on living my life as best I could.
Several months ago I set out on a mission to live my life out in the open...flaws and all...in an attempt to rediscover my true self. There have been many ups and downs but overall the journey has been awesome and revealing! And the biggest surprise of all has been that during this process not only have I rediscovered myself and gotten back in touch with the essence of who I am as a person...but I have also, and probably more importantly, gotten back in touch with my Faith.
I'm still unclear on the 'details' of what I believe...and perhaps there are no details to be had. It doesnt matter. What matters is that I believe...in something...that fills me...and guides me...and brings me peace...and just feels right. And each and every day...that 'something'...guides me and helps me to be a better person.
The long story made short on how I arrived at my new faith is that as I started on my journey to life a more authentic and happy life I decided to study those around me (both famous and not...but all successful in their own way) that I admired. Throughout my life I have encountered several people that have had traits that I truly admired and spoke to me. When I stopped to really think about it I realized that there was a common theme to those traits I admired. I also started realizing that part of what caught my eye about these traits was that I too had them at one time in my life at some level...and over time for one reason or another I had lost them. I realized that I identified and admired these common traits in others because I missed them in myself and this was part of my wake up call to get back in touch with those aspects of myself that had been muted over the years.
It was this process that led me back to my faith. Because as I studied the lives, traits and aspects of life off those I admired I also noticed that they also all had something else in common...their Faith. While they were not all necessarily of the same Faith they all had a deep Faith that guided their lives and regarless of what it was, there were some common beliefs/themes throughout all of them such as:
- We are all ONE. We are all connected.
- God (by whatever name you call Him) = LOVE
- We are all here to use our lives to serve a larger purpose than ourselves.
- The answer to everything is LOVE.
The more I studied their lives and their successes I realized 2 important things:
1. It was time I starte to try and emulate and learn from the lives of those I admired and had lives similar to what I wanted for my own life instead of following those around me who were struggling in one way or another just like me.
2. I could not rediscover myself or get back in touch with the essence of me without first reconnecting with God(LOVE) because that IS the essence of me. It's the essence of all of us. We only have to open up to it and allow it to flow.
As I began to have these realizations and learn more....these simple yet all encompassing ideas became my Faith...that drives me and guides me each day. I also learned from those I studied to incorporate many daily life practices into my life to help keep me in this mental and spiritual place which include daily meditation/prayer, journaling, breathing, and yoga among other thins.
Faith is a very personal thing. We each have our own and for some their faith is to believe that this is all there is. I respect each and everyone's personal beliefs and did not write this to put forth the concept that I am right and and those that belief differently are wrong. I simply wish to share my story and spiritual journey...and hope that perhaps in some way my story might help someone else that is struggling with their own spiritual journey.
There is much more to say about faith, my journey and those that contributed to it, how it has changed my life, etc. But those are topics for another day. For now it is enough to say that I believe in LOVE.
Much Love...
Vanessa...in progress. (VIP)
-
Monday, March 21, 2011
Yeah, I'm crazy...so what?
I have always felt 'different' from everyone around me. Sometimes, even a little embarrassed about the places my mind would go. Everyone else always seemed so 'normal' and I always felt like everyone thought I was crazy. So, over time, I started taking on that perspective and believed that I in fact, was crazy...and everyone else was normal. And...over time I began to tone myself down to appear more 'normal'. Anyone who has known me over the past few years may not feel that I have been 'toned down' at all...but the fact is that I have. The 'real' me is much more 'crazy' than I have allowed myself to be in recent years.
It's only over the past year or so, as I go through this period of self-examination and growth that I realize that I'm no more crazy than anyone else. We are all 'crazy' in our own unique way. And it's precisely that crazy in each of us that makes us special and awesome.
Some people don't have the strength or the freedom to fully express their inner crazy and that really is a shame. But those that can...and do...fully embrace and expres their inner crazy...must lead a truly extraordinary life.
I've probably existed somewhere in the middle...expressing my craziness at times and trying to mute it at others...embracing my quirks but also feeling as though I should be apologetic about them. I have never mastered the fine art of being 100% at peace and comfortable with stepping into ME...completely..and unapologetically.
As I've been going down this road of shining a light inside myself to see what I'm really all about...to find out who I really am at my core when you take away all the ways I've 'changed' myself over the years in reaction to people or situations...to get in touch with who I am when I stop acting out of trying to 'protect' myself from possible future pain...to see who I could really be if I stopped holding myself back...it's through this process that I have begun to realize...that I AM in fact completely crazy...in a perfectly awesome kind of way...and what a shame that I haven't been allowing that crazy uniqueness to guide me through life.
The fact is, I never thought ordinary was for me...but resigned myself a long time ago to believe that that ordinary was the way it had to be. I often tried to compensate by filling my life with false 'excitement' that was really just bad for me. Not only does that not create an extraordinary life...but it actually weakens you and takes you farther and farther away from the life you want.
Well...NO MORE! I have seen the light and I'm finally going to let my crazy self bask in it! It's time to unleash the crazy, beautiful me without hesitation or apology.
I know not everyone will be able to handle an unbridled Vanessa...but thats ok. The only one that needs to like it is me. But I know that those that will be able to truly appreciate and love me and all my craziness will be there...enjoying the ride.
So bring on the crazy! Brace yourselves...
Much love...
Vanessa...in progress. (VIP)
To be nobody but yourself in a world which is doing its best, night and day, to make you everybody else means to fight the hardest battle which any human being can fight; and never stop fighting. e.e. cummings
It's only over the past year or so, as I go through this period of self-examination and growth that I realize that I'm no more crazy than anyone else. We are all 'crazy' in our own unique way. And it's precisely that crazy in each of us that makes us special and awesome.
Some people don't have the strength or the freedom to fully express their inner crazy and that really is a shame. But those that can...and do...fully embrace and expres their inner crazy...must lead a truly extraordinary life.
I've probably existed somewhere in the middle...expressing my craziness at times and trying to mute it at others...embracing my quirks but also feeling as though I should be apologetic about them. I have never mastered the fine art of being 100% at peace and comfortable with stepping into ME...completely..and unapologetically.
As I've been going down this road of shining a light inside myself to see what I'm really all about...to find out who I really am at my core when you take away all the ways I've 'changed' myself over the years in reaction to people or situations...to get in touch with who I am when I stop acting out of trying to 'protect' myself from possible future pain...to see who I could really be if I stopped holding myself back...it's through this process that I have begun to realize...that I AM in fact completely crazy...in a perfectly awesome kind of way...and what a shame that I haven't been allowing that crazy uniqueness to guide me through life.
The fact is, I never thought ordinary was for me...but resigned myself a long time ago to believe that that ordinary was the way it had to be. I often tried to compensate by filling my life with false 'excitement' that was really just bad for me. Not only does that not create an extraordinary life...but it actually weakens you and takes you farther and farther away from the life you want.
Well...NO MORE! I have seen the light and I'm finally going to let my crazy self bask in it! It's time to unleash the crazy, beautiful me without hesitation or apology.
I know not everyone will be able to handle an unbridled Vanessa...but thats ok. The only one that needs to like it is me. But I know that those that will be able to truly appreciate and love me and all my craziness will be there...enjoying the ride.
So bring on the crazy! Brace yourselves...
Much love...
Vanessa...in progress. (VIP)
To be nobody but yourself in a world which is doing its best, night and day, to make you everybody else means to fight the hardest battle which any human being can fight; and never stop fighting. e.e. cummings
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