The story of my Faith has taken many turns throughout the years. I started out a good little Catholic girl. I was born and raised Catholic and went to Catholic school most of my early life. I read the Bible, prayed the rosary, went to church, etc. I had even briefly considered devoting my life to God and becoming a nun because of how much I admired the devotion of the nuns at my school. I enjoyed the ritual and ceremony of the holidays and sacraments and took them all very seriously.
Then sometime in my early high school years I started questioning everthing about life...not just my faith. I began making a point of digging deeper and trying to understand the reason and logic behind everything. Obviously a huge part of that included questioning my faith. I began to do some self study and exploration to attempt to connect the dots a little better and in that process realized there were some aspects of Catholicism that did not sit right with me. So I began to just sort of ignore the elments that I did not like and continued to embrace those I did.
A few years later, the picking and choosing of what I did and didn't like didnt began to not sit well with me either. I felt that if I so strongly disagreed with some critical elements of Catholicism then I had to question all of it and not just accept the parts that I liked and was comfortable with. At that point, out of confusion and frustration I walked away from Catholicism as a whole and decided to just be 'spiritual'...whatever that meant. I belived in God and an afterlife of some sort but was unclear about the details and that was ok with me for the moment. I still belived in something and still prayed and that satisfied me...for a while.
Then...after several difficult events in my life I began to question the existance of God altogether. It began to feel like there was nothing divine, no rhyme or reason, the bad seemed to always outweigh the good, etc. I began to believe that Religion, Spirituality, God, etc. were all something people created to control each other and at the same time make people more comfortable with the concept of death. At that point I decided that none of what I had ever believed was true and nothing divine actually existed. What we currently had before us was all there was and we had to make the most out of it.
Then...again...after a few more years and significant events in my life I began to question the nothingness that I had come to accept. At that point...again...confused and frustrated...I decided that I didn't know if there was a God or not or life after death, etc. All I knew was that I wanted to be a good person and hopefully whether or not I believed in something wouldnt matter as long as I lived a good life. So that became my new way of thinking. Regardless of what was or wasnt...what was important was being a good person and living a good life...and so...with some level of satisfaction I continued on that belief track for a while.
Throughout all those years of questioning and confusion I researched many religions and explored several faiths. They all had things I liked and could accept....but they also all had things that didnt sit right with me. So my beliefs kept changing and I kept searching...all the while trying to just be a good person. But...something was always missing. I couldnt never quite put my finger on it but there always seemed to be a void. But, since I didnt know what it was or how to address it I just ignored it and continued on living my life as best I could.
Several months ago I set out on a mission to live my life out in the open...flaws and all...in an attempt to rediscover my true self. There have been many ups and downs but overall the journey has been awesome and revealing! And the biggest surprise of all has been that during this process not only have I rediscovered myself and gotten back in touch with the essence of who I am as a person...but I have also, and probably more importantly, gotten back in touch with my Faith.
I'm still unclear on the 'details' of what I believe...and perhaps there are no details to be had. It doesnt matter. What matters is that I believe...in something...that fills me...and guides me...and brings me peace...and just feels right. And each and every day...that 'something'...guides me and helps me to be a better person.
The long story made short on how I arrived at my new faith is that as I started on my journey to life a more authentic and happy life I decided to study those around me (both famous and not...but all successful in their own way) that I admired. Throughout my life I have encountered several people that have had traits that I truly admired and spoke to me. When I stopped to really think about it I realized that there was a common theme to those traits I admired. I also started realizing that part of what caught my eye about these traits was that I too had them at one time in my life at some level...and over time for one reason or another I had lost them. I realized that I identified and admired these common traits in others because I missed them in myself and this was part of my wake up call to get back in touch with those aspects of myself that had been muted over the years.
It was this process that led me back to my faith. Because as I studied the lives, traits and aspects of life off those I admired I also noticed that they also all had something else in common...their Faith. While they were not all necessarily of the same Faith they all had a deep Faith that guided their lives and regarless of what it was, there were some common beliefs/themes throughout all of them such as:
- We are all ONE. We are all connected.
- God (by whatever name you call Him) = LOVE
- We are all here to use our lives to serve a larger purpose than ourselves.
- The answer to everything is LOVE.
The more I studied their lives and their successes I realized 2 important things:
1. It was time I starte to try and emulate and learn from the lives of those I admired and had lives similar to what I wanted for my own life instead of following those around me who were struggling in one way or another just like me.
2. I could not rediscover myself or get back in touch with the essence of me without first reconnecting with God(LOVE) because that IS the essence of me. It's the essence of all of us. We only have to open up to it and allow it to flow.
As I began to have these realizations and learn more....these simple yet all encompassing ideas became my Faith...that drives me and guides me each day. I also learned from those I studied to incorporate many daily life practices into my life to help keep me in this mental and spiritual place which include daily meditation/prayer, journaling, breathing, and yoga among other thins.
Faith is a very personal thing. We each have our own and for some their faith is to believe that this is all there is. I respect each and everyone's personal beliefs and did not write this to put forth the concept that I am right and and those that belief differently are wrong. I simply wish to share my story and spiritual journey...and hope that perhaps in some way my story might help someone else that is struggling with their own spiritual journey.
There is much more to say about faith, my journey and those that contributed to it, how it has changed my life, etc. But those are topics for another day. For now it is enough to say that I believe in LOVE.
Much Love...
Vanessa...in progress. (VIP)
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