I Figured Out My Funk!

Those of you that have been following my blog for a while now know that I have talked about being in a FUNK on and off over the past few years. You may also have noticed that I have not had any posts since I wrote about the betrayal incident in January. Well, needless to say I went into another FUNK after that betrayal and it took me a while to get myself to a point of understanding what happened, dealing with it, and moving passed it. While going through that process I kept thinking - "How did I get here...again!?!?!?!" And by here...I mean...the FUNK.

Now, for those that have not been following my blog and may be here for the first time, let me explain what I mean by FUNK. Basically, for me, it’s this state of not necessarily being depressed but not being happy. It feels like not being satisfied with where I am but not knowing where I want to go. I feel like there is something I must do to de-FUNK myself but not having a clue as to what that is. There is never a clear or absolute reason for the FUNK nor is it always clear how and when the FUNK arrived. But there comes a moment when I realize...oh...here it is again. And then it seems that it leaves as quietly as it came. No major event that washed it away. It's just sort of gone. Perhaps sometimes I have some epiphanies during the FUNK or it does motivate me to do something...anything. So, they are sometimes useful. But most of the time it's just sort of there....and then it isn't. And I'm just left with that same question - "How did I get here...again?!?!"

This time...the question rang even louder…almost to the point of being deafening. I've been doing so much work on myself, reading, praying, meditating, learning, trying to be a better person, being kinder, being more loving, etc. Was it all for nothing? How could I be seemingly putting all this work into being a better person and yet end up betrayed and back in a funk. Was I that off the mark? Was I kidding myself? Should I just throw in the towel? WHAT THE FUNK!?!?!?!?

But...anyone who knows me...knows...that while I always like to have my overly dramatic outburst (see paragraph above) that I NEVER throw in the towel and I always follow up my tirade with action never giving up hope that this time will be THE time that I figure it all out.

I've been so FUNK-focused since January that I haven’t even been able to write. I didn’t know what to say. Surely there were many things that have happened that I could have shared but I just couldn’t bring myself to write. Usually when I write, whether it’s good or not, interesting or not, it’s all real and from the heart. And I just couldn’t get to that place of sharing what was real and loving inside me...because I was so lost in my FUNK.

So...I quietly toiled away at trying to figure it all out for myself...sometimes actively thinking it through and sometimes temporarily forgetting all about it only to inevitably come back to it later.

And then it just hit me! I'm driving in my car...listening to an audiobook...when something I hear in the book just smacks me across the face! OMG! It's been so obvious for so long. How did I miss it. How could I not see it. I've read it a million times in a million different books. I've heard it a million times in a million different ways from a million different people. It's just so painfully obvious its almost embarrassing to admit that I hadn’t yet figured it out.

I kept finding myself in a FUNK because I had disconnected from myself.

That's it, Vanessa? That's your big epiphany!?!?

YES!

It may sound simple...and I guess in many ways IT IS SIMPLE! But I think that it’s SO simple and I had heard it philosophically and theoretically so many times that it had become a sort of cliché. It was a familiar statement that you sort of knew what it meant but didn’t REALLY know what it meant and it didn’t apply to you anyway so...whatever. I mean...disconnected from myself? What does that mean? I'm here. This is my body. I'm in it. So...I'm not disconnected. I'm introspective. I'm constantly self-examining. I'm always trying to better understand myself. If there is anyone that is CONNECTED to herself…IT'S ME! Or so I thought...

NOW...I know what it means! NOW...I get it! NOW...I understand! And NOW...I see how disconnected I have been despite all my attempts to be connected.

What I've realized is that all that reading...all that introspection...all that self-examination was not a waste. It was necessary for me to lay the foundation for myself so that I could one day be ready to TRULY understand and accept the idea that I was actually disconnected. This was no longer some abstract philosophical or theoretical concept. It was real! I got it! I got it deep within my soul...finally! I figured out my FUNK!

I will try my best to explain to you what I mean by being disconnected but I'm sure many of you will just hear it at words and will probably react like I did at first - That's it, Vanessa? That's your big epiphany!?!?! I'm sure many of you will react as I did whenever I heard or read it somewhere - yeah...whatever. And you should react that way. Because what I know now is that until you can FEEL that disconnect inside of you cannot KNOW it.

My disconnection was about how far I had moved away from the core of who I was. There was once this little girl named Vanessa who was amped about life and believed anything was possible. She wanted to take the world by storm. She wanted every day to be a celebration. She couldn’t get enough out of life or give enough of herself to it. She was awesome!

And then life happened...again...and again. In so many ways I believed life was telling me...literally or metaphorically...that the dreams weren't possible...that you couldn't celebrate everyday...that’s impossible. I came to believe that this was all there was and I just had to make the best of it and arrive as safely and intact at the end of my life as I possibly could trying to just be the best person I can be. And the 'glory' came in being able to say "I made it!" at the end of it all. To be able to say that I survived all the trials and tribulations and they didn’t break me would be my claim to fame.

Well who wouldn't be in a FUNK with that thinking!?!?!?!?

The reality is you can let go of those dreams and desires intellectually. But your heart, your soul, your spirit, your being...NEVER lets go of them. Every moment of every day they all collectively try calling you back to yourself...back to your dreams...back to the things that drive you and inspire you and need you just like you need them. No matter how much you might try to just forget about them because you think life has told you they are not possible you can never forget about them inside of yourself. Those dreams and desires must be tended to...and nurtured...and nourished...so that they can be born through you. If not...you will forever be FUNKEDIFIED!

So here I was thinking I was doing a great job at becoming a better person. Learning to be more serene and still. Learning to be a better person. Learning to be kinder and more loving. Learning, learning, learning. Important...but...boring, boring, boring. And inside I was SCREAMINGGGGGGGGGGGGGGG the whole time trying to get my own attention but I had learned through many bumps and bruises to just ignore that noise inside myself.

But now...since I was learning...that voice inside was becoming harder and harder to ignore. It was reaching a fever pitch that manifested itself into a deafening FUNK.

All this time I had tried to ignore the FUNK by distracting myself with so many things (that in most cases I knew weren't right for me) but I distracted myself anyway because in those moments the familiarity of distraction felt safer than the fear of the unknown that was sure to come if I allowed myself to hear myself and open myself back up to the possibilities.

But I hear you now. I'm not afraid. I'm open. So...speak to me, Vanessa...I'm listening! I will not ignore you anymore. Let's do this!

Much love,

Vanessa...in progress. (VIP)

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Nothing like a little betrayal to start the year!

As always, we start every new year full of hope and excitement about what the year will bring. I ended 2011 on a really strong and upbeat note and felt sure that I would transition into 2012 on the same note. I was certain that 2012 would be an amazing year.

Then, before the first month of the year was even over I was hit with the revelation that I had been betrayed in such a sick, demented, and disturbing way that I am still unable to even process what happened.

I am not going to share the details of what occurred. This is out of respect for the betrayer (because their dysfunction does not mean that I have to lower myself by attacking them) and out of respect for my need to fully process this before I can share it openly in a way that is constructive and helpful and not about just gossiping.

But I do feel the need to share certain things that I have learned at this point. Please keep in mind that it is less than one week since I found out about this betrayal so I am still processing and I'm sure there are many other lessons that I will learn down the line. But, from where I stand today there are some clear, solid lessons that I feel compelled to express for my own healing. And so that I can move forward.

So here is what I've learned:

There are some seriously damaged people in the world. I guess I always knew this to be true. Trust me, I have unfortunately had the opportunity to know many troubled people. However, I don't think I ever understood JUST how damaged a person could actually be, especially when they appear to be so normal. And not only can they appear normal, but they can also convincingly appear to be your best friend and greatest advocate. So, what I've learned through this is that anyone is capable of anything and while I will never go around assuming the worst of people, I do think it helps to know and understand just how damaged a person can be because it helps in detecting it when necessary.

Crazy people make you feel crazy. A good friend told me this a long time ago and while I did experience that to be true at times, never have I realized it so powerfully than now. The reality is that if through most of your life you feel pretty normal, and most of your interactions with people feel pretty normal, but there is that ONE person that whenever you interact with them it makes you feel a little crazy and/or takes you out of character, that is a red flag. And feeling 'crazy' can take several different forms. It can be something as simple as interactions with that person always making you question what you know to be true and making you doubt yourself. When you finally do realize that there is that one person that keeps making you feel a little crazy do what you have to do to remove them from your life. If it is someone you love, it is ok to still love them, but sometimes the best way to love yourself and someone else is to love them from afar.

Sometimes intution speaks softly. When I discovered what had occurred and the severity of the betrayal I was upset with myself for not realizing it sooner. And then as I began to process it I realized that I did see the signs. My intuition was speaking to me, but in whispers. I remember clearly moments where something just didnt sit right with me. And it was in those moments where I felt like I was 'crazy' for having such crazy thoughts. I, being a relatively healthy and sane person could not grasp that these 'crazy' thoughts I was having could possible be true, so I assumed that I was the crazy one. Several times it even made me behave in a crazy way which would make me feel disappointed in myself afterwards. But, again, despite all of this I kept 'ignoring' my quiet instincts because I could not accept that what they were telling me could be possible. Learn to listen closely to your instincts. They will never fail you.

I have definitely grown and changed. There was a time not long ago that this would have broken me. It would have sent me into a serious depression, made me close up and disconnect from the world, stop trusting people, and build a wall around me to never let anyone in again. Not this time. I'm not going to lie, this has greatly impact me and shaken me. I have definitely been grieving. But,I have gone through it all with tremendous grace and peace that it even surprises me. I know that this is because of many things. But basically, it is because through the past couple of years I have reconnected with my faith and centered myself. Because of that I have ebeen able to see this situation through different eyes and that has made a drastic difference in how I have been able to deal with this. And instead of letting it break me or tear me down, I've been able to process all of the negative associated with this and transform it into positive energy that I am using to propel me forward.

Take the high road. Again, I know how much I have changed because years ago this whole thing would have gotten very ugly. I would have declared an all out war against the person that harmed me and I would have fought that war until I was victorious. But again, not this time. I have processed it all through LOVE. And that's why I can stand here and still feel love for this person. As a matter of fact they have made me out to be the villain in all of this, as damaged people will often do. I think that damaged people are so damaged that they themselves cannot accept and process their disturbing behavior. And so, when confronted with what they have done must turn it around and make you the bad guy. They have to make you be the crazy one and cut you out of their world in order to maintain the facade to the other people in their life. I'm ok with that. I've chosen to take the high road. I could be GOING OFF on this person right now and retaliating and causing a lot of damage in their life and NO ONE would blame me for doing so because they would understand. But I'm just not going to go there. Not because they deserve my compassion, but because I deserve to take the high road for myself. Allowing myself to lower myself and behave in that way will not change what has occurred but it will keep me in the negative energy that surrounds this situation. Instead I'm choosing to cut off all of the negativity and to cut my losses and lift myself up and out of it with my head held high. I am strong enough and willing to be the villain in this if that is what they need me to be. I can do that because I know that I will move forward, heal, and my life will continue to evolve and I will be good. And I know that they will not. I do not feel good about that. It hurts me to know how troubled they are. But I also know that it is not my problem. I wish this person well. I hope they find healing for themselves. As for me, I'll be ok. There is no doubt in my mind.

It's all about perspective. I started this year believing that 2012 was going to be the best year ever. And it is. I am not going to focus on this because as bad as it is, it is temporary and years from now it will have just been a moment in time. It does not define me. And it will not dictate the direction of my life. I am making a choice to focus on the positive. I am focused on the aspects of all of it that I am thankful for - my friends that helped me through it, the fact that I discovered it before it got worse, the fact that I am free of it and now have more time and energy to dedicate to the other more important things in my life. My life is fantastic and full of many awesome and amazing things. I am a good (not perfect) person who is always striving to be better. And this, as horrible as it is, is insignificant in the grand scheme of my life and life in general. 2012 is still a great year and great things are on their way. As a matter of fact, they are already here.

I have some real angels in my life. I cannot end this blog without acknowledging the amazing friends I have in my life. I know that I have changed and I do give myself props for handling this more gracefully than I would have in the past. But, I have to keep it real. I know that a MAJOR reason why I did not completely lose my mind because of a small group of friends who stayed with me as I went through this. During a time of shock and disbelief and questioning everything, they were my rocks and my reality. They kept me grounded and were my safe place to fall as I went through all of it. And out of the many positive things I'm pulling out of this, I am most grateful for the opportunity that this has given me to remind me what amazing people I have in my life. Every once in a while a negative person might creep in but they will never be able to stay for long because there is too much light and goodness in my life. And negative people cannot survive in that light and goodness.

As I said before, I'm barely a week into this, and so I'm sure that as I continue to move forward I will have many more realizations, lessons, etc. And perhaps at some point when I'm far enough away from this I will be able to share it in all its detail. But for now, what is important to know is that I cannot and will not be broken. And more importantly, not only will I not be broken, but I will always use every adversity to make me better.

Life is always beautiful. And its when it is darkest that you can see and appreciate the beauty of the stars.

Much love,

Vanessa...in progress.(VIP)

Goodbye 2011, Hello 2012!

I can hardly believe that 2011 is over. It's been quite a year!

I can honestly say that 2011 has been one of the best years of my life. From the outside looking in, I'm sure it seemed as though nothing major really happened. But what did happen was a critical internal shift in my perspective on life...and that shift has made all the difference.

I started 2011 in a not so great place. Little did I know that although the place I was in was a little painful, it ended up lighting a fire in me that set off a chain of choices and events that have brought me to this amazing place I am at now.

As 2011 comes to a close, I find myself happier than I have ever been even though my external circumstances are not much different than they were before...I find myself more at peace than I have ever been even though I am often still surrounded by chaos...and I find myself more hopeful than I have ever been because I now understand life a bit better.

I didn't really make 'resolutions' last year, but last year I blogged a list of things that I wanted to incorporate into how I lived my life in 2011. For the most part I think I made good on that list. Obviously, it wasn't perfect, but I did make many of those a part of how I now move through life and that has helped me to be a much happier and more peaceful person.

Through lots of trials and lots of errors I learned a lot during this year. If I had to sum it all up I would say that the top 5 lessons I learned in 2011 were:

1) This too shall pass. - There is no need to stress anything. Easier said than done, but in the end it's always true. Everything is temporary and whatever you are going through will pass. So give it its due attention and not a drop more, learn from it what you can, and then let it pass.

2) Respond instead of react. - For so long I believed that the quicker and more forceful my reaction the stronger I was and that I 'won' somehow. I've learned that there is a beauty and grace that comes with pausing and thinking so that you can respond out of love instead of reacting out of anger.

3) Letting go is the best way of holding on. - For so long I dealt with my fears and insecurities by holding on tightly to everything and the more afraid I was of losing something the tighter I held on. I FINALLY learned that holding on tightly is the most sure fire way of losing everything. Love liberates. We must learn to let go.

4)Love yourself first and foremost. - You are of no use to yourself or the world if your cup is empty. I spent so much time trying to fill the cup of others at the expense of my own. It's become CRYSTAL CLEAR that it just doesnt work like that. I need to fill and nourish myself first and foremost and from that place of fullness I can give the best of myself to others.

5) There is nothing I can't do or have. - This year I most definitely learned that the sky is the limit. The only limits are the ones we place on ourselves out of fear, insecurity, doubt, etc. I now know that when I overcome the impulse to limit myself, when I believe that I deserve the outcome I'm hoping for, and when I remember that I can handle ANYTHING that comes across my path, the possibilities are endless and the rewards are overflowing.

I'm not trying to pretend that I live this way 24/7 and that I never falter. The fact is that I usually come back to this new way of thinking/being AFTER I've already messed something up by first resorting to old habits. Then it hits me...oh yeahhhhhh...remember that lesson I learned...so let me try this new way...and without fail...when I remember to try the new way...it either works out or a new door is opened...always.

So, as I think back on 2011 I realize that it was an awesome year. Again, not because some major event took place but because I became a better person in so many ways and that has allowed me to live a much better life.

Because of these changes I head into 2012 ready...fearless...and hopeful. And while 2011 was a year of lots of internal changes, I can already tell that it laid the foundation for 2012. As I move through this next year as a more evolved Vanessa...a Vanessa in progress...I know that I will begin to see my external circumstances start to shift to reflect the changes that have taken place within.

There are no resolutions for 2012...no grand statements about what I'm going to accomplish or how I'm going to do things differently. As I move into 2012 all I know is that I'm going to take it one moment at a time, give the best of myself in each of those moments and know that if I do that the best will always come back to me. And that's all any of us ever really have to do.

I hope all of you are ending 2011 on a high note and that you are filled with love and hope going into 2012. Wishing you all a very happy New Year!

Much love,

Vanessa...in progress.(VIP)