Letting Go...

For as much transformation as I feel I have gone through since starting this blog over a year ago, every so often I have a setback and feel as though I haven't actually made any progress at all. Intellectually, of course, I know that I have. But in the emotional center of the setback all I can see and feel is where I am in that moment and nothing else that I have accomplished seems to matter.

So here I am, in the emotional center of a setback, yet again. And because I HAVE changed and I HAVE learned a few things on this journey, I know enough that when things start feeling crazy and I'm losing control over my thoughts and feelings, that I need to be still. So, I did that today. I took some time to just quiet my mind, body, and soul. And in that quiet space, there was clarity, as there always is (which makes me wonder why I always wait so long to get still in the first place, but I digress). Of course, I wouldnt say there was clarity about EVERYTHING that I'm dealing with. But there was clarity about one very central issue that I believe does effect everthing else.

What I realized is this...

I just need to LET GO...of EVERYTHING!

The thing is that I HAVE progressed significantly through the past year and a half. I have learned a lot about myself, about life, about others, etc. But as I move forward with each new lesson, I still carry into it all my 'stuff'. And so while there is change and there is improvement, I'm still tethered to my 'stuff' and so there is only so far that I can go and grow.

So...what is my 'stuff'? Well...it's a lot of things.

I have my STORIES - stories about who I was growing up; stories about the things that have happened to me throughout my life; stories about who I am; stories about who I thought I was supposed to grow up to be; etc.

I have my BELIEFS - beliefs about what my role in life is; beliefs about my value; beliefs about what I think I'm worth; beliefs about what I think I deserve; beliefs about who my friends are, etc.

I have my EXPECTATIONS - expectations of my own behavior; expectations of the behavior of family, friends, the world, etc.

I have my JUDGEMENTS - judgements about what is right or wrong; good or bad; acceptable or unacceptable; etc.

The list goes on and on and on...but I think you get the point.

And...what I realized when I allowed myself to be still...was that I am bringing all of this 'stuff' into every situation...consciously and subconsciously. I see everything that happens as it relates to what has happened to me in the past. I see everything from the perspective of who I think I am and the role I'm supposed to play in life. I see everything in the context of whether or not it met my expectations. I see everything as either good or bad or right or wrong. And as a result, I live each experience in my head, with all this 'stuff' swirling around not letting me just experience the moment for what it is.

I know that on some level our 'stuff' is important. We grow through life by what we learn from our experiences. The problem is that the way I interpreted things in the past, before going on this journey, were very much from a place of pain and anger. And so I created this life based on those experiences and the life that surrounds me is reflective of those beliefs and actions. What I'm coming to realize is that there is a part of me that has move beyond that. There is a part of me that now understands life at a higher level and wants to go there. But as I said before, I'm tethered, and I didnt realize until today what was holding me back.

My inner turmoil at the moment comes from the frustration of being in a reality of my own creation that is no longer reflective of who I am or who I am trying to become. I feel as though my current surroundings are not conducive to helping me along the rest of this journey. And so I feel stuck...in part because of my current surroundings as I said...but also stuck because of all my 'stuff' that does not allow me the freedom to break free and just BE...and allow myself to create new stories, beliefs, expectations, judgements, etc. that are born from a place of love and empowerment and strength instead of from pain and anger.

So it is now clear to me that I have to let go of all of it...of everything I believe to be true...about who I think I am...about who I think the people in my life are to me...about what life is supposed to look like. I have to let it all go. And I have to start over. I have to go through each experience with stillness and openness and create a new reality for myself.

And as much as I know that cutting these ties that are holding me back is necessary, I am terrified. As Alanis Morissette says in one of her songs - "These precious illusions in my head did not let me down when I was defenseless. And parting with them is like parting with invisible best friend". I don't know who I am without these illusions. But I know now that they are just illusions and that the time has come to let them go so that I can be who I want to be.

I also know that letting go will also probably result in the loss of a lot of relationships...for many reasons. Some because they will not understand or support the transition that I'm going through. Some because they are relationships that hold me back and so they will just not be able to come on the journey with me. And some because realistically, the only reason they still exist is because I hold on to them so tightly. And I know that once I let go they will likely disappear. But I'm willing to step out into the unknown. It's more than being willing. It's that I MUST. My soul is tearing me apart from the inside out because it will not allow me to be at peace with what is because I am ready for more. Some changes must be made. And I'm finally ready to make them.

So...as I said...step one...is to LET GO...of all of it...

And...step two...is to just be still...and breathe...

To Be Continued...

Much Love,

Vanessa...in progress. (VIP)

Greatness is not for a chosen few...

For most of my life I have longed for something great...for something beyond me...beyond the life I was living day to day. I never seemed to want what everyone else around me wanted and I always felt that I was never satisfied by the things that seem to satisfy others. I believed that I was crazy for feeling this way and that I should just learn to accept my reality and find a way to be content with it. Who was I to long for greatness? I was just Vanessa. Greatness...I came to believe...was reserved for 'special' people. I was just meant to be one of the mediocre masses just floating through life and making the best of it.

This belief forced me to give in and give up on ever trying to be more. At a very early age I gave up on my dreams and learned accept my current reality. But the longing never left and continued to burn deep inside.

I think that many times through the years I tried to satisfy that yearning by doing things that would provide me with temporary excitment and thrills to distract me from the reality that I desired more. The distraction worked for a while but after several years, even those behaviors stopped providing gratification of any kind and the emptiness persisted.

Since I've been on this journey of looking inward, nourishing my soul and trying to get to know myself all over again I've realized that I've been very wrong for very long. Not only have I realized that the desire for more will never go away, I have also realized that it won't go away because it knows better than me. I've come to realize that the burning desire inside of me knows that I am in fact meant for greatness. We all are. It is not something that is meant for a chosen few. It is something that WE must choose for ourselves. And in choosing it, we must then believe it is possible and pursue it without hesitation or doubt!

This is the space that I am currently in. I have finally come to the point where I am no longer willing to ignore the voice inside me that has been screaming for more. I am no longer willing to accept that it is not possible for me to acheive each and every dream that my mind can conceive. I am no longer willing to allow my fears of failure, judgement, rejection or denial stand in the way of my acheivement of ANYTHING. From the space I am currently in I KNOW that I am ready, willing and able to do anything my heart desires. Every fiber of my being is now pushing me forward and not allowing me to settle for anything less than amazing. I now KNOW that what I thought was impossible is not only possible...but it is in fact...alreay mine. I only have to go and claim it.

I also know now that every moment of my life until now has been preparing me for THIS moment. I know that every difficulty and blessing that I have experienced ahs been building in me the wisdom, skills, drive, perseverence, etc. that I would need to capitalize on this moment and catapult myself into a realm of success that I would have never before dreamed was possible for me.

I have made up my mind. I am moving full steam ahead into the realm of all of my wildest dreams. I am ready to encounter whatever the journey may bring and to use every experience as an oppportunity for further growth.

I will not be deterred. I have a vision. And I'm making it happen!

Watch me...

Much love...

Vanessa...in progress. (VIP)

Friend or Foe?

Friends have always been a very important part of my life. I was never very trusting of people and it took a lot for me to let someone in to my inner circle. But...once they were in I gave them 150% of myself. I was honest, loyal, loving, caring, supportive, etc. And...I expected the same in return. Often, I didnt get it. But...they were my friends. So regardless, I maintained my loyalty to the relationships and continually worked through the rough spots. Many times I felt like I was the only one working.

I have always felt that being a good friend was one of my best qualities. That's not to say that I think I was flawless at it. Looking back on the years, I know that I could be pretty judgmental, demanding, bitchy, crazy, and draining at times. And I'm forever grateful to those friends of mine that stuck through all of that. I dont know what I would have done without them. But, I also know what I gave to them. As I said before, I was beyond loyal. I went out of my way to celebrate them and give them love. During rough times, I tried my best to be there for them and support them. And as the years passed, and we got older, I made a point of reaching out to them and maintaining the relationship. I know that there are many important friendships in my life that would not exist today if I were not the one to continually reach out.

Many of my friendships have been great, with the occassional rough spot here and there...as is to be expected in relationships. But many of them have been difficult and draining. But, my philosphy at the time was that once you were in my inner circle you were there for life no matter what. And of course, this has caused a lot of unnecessary drama and difficulty in my life throughout the years.

I think its really only been in this last year of major transition that I've really figured out that it doesnt have to be like that...nor should it. I've realized that all that energy and focus that I was putting on giving unconditional love and support to my 'friends' and maintaining those relationships was better spent on giving those things to MYSELF. I realized that I had to first fill my cup before I could fill anyone else's. I realized that in order for me to REALLY be as good of a friend as I wanted to be...a friend without the demands and judgements...among other things...I needed to first fully be me. And so I turned the focus and energy inward and began to restructure my life.

And...then...an incredible thing happened. The more I learned to REALLY love and accept myself...and fully step in to who I am...the clearer I was able to see the different relationships in my life. It became extremely clear which relationships nurtured me...strengthened me...lifted me up...supported me...and brought out the best in me. It became EXTREMELY clear which relationships drained me...weakened me...brought me down...made me question myself...and prevented me from growing and being ME. And it became extremely clear that those negative relationships were standing in the way of me being happy.

The problem was that the 'old' Vanessa either liked you or hated you. There was no in between. So what should I do now that I felt I needed to sever some of these relationships but at the same time felt some inner conflict about letting them go because we had shared some good times through the years...and I had always believed we would be friends to the end...no matter what.

Long story short...I've learned that the most important thing is to be a good friend to yourself and that nothing and noone should interefere with that. Those that bring positive energy to your life...make you feel good...encourage you to be the best that you can be...and leave you feeling energized and happy...are the realtionships that you need to keep close to you and share the best of yourself with. Those that can't see and appreciate all that you are...bring negative energy into your life...and leave you feeling depleted and down...need to be kept at a healthy distance. Sometimes its not possible to completely delete them from your lives because of the surrounding circumstances. But you can keep them at a healthy distance while still sending them love and appreciating the place they once had in your life.

At the end of the day the way you treat yourself...and the people and energy that you allow to surround you will dictate the quality of your life and the level of your happiness. There is no reason to be unhappy. And there is no reason to invest time or energy in people that don't invest in you and lift you up. Besides, you need to save that energy to invest in yourself and the relationships that DO invest back in you and lift you up. And...I promise...once you start doing that...more and more positive people start showing up in your life and the happier and better you become.

So...to everyone that has been a friend at some point in my life...thanks for the good times. To those that I needed to pull away from...I send you love and wish you nothing but the best. And to those that are still around and I now keep close...thank you for helping bring out the best in me!

Much Love...to all...

Vanessa...in progress. (VIP)